Sasuke's POV
It's the Thursday before exams start and the university gave us the next few days off to study and prepare, but big surprise, I'm yet to pick up a textbook.
Instead I'm bumming around with Karin in the dining hall, picking at what's left of an omelette that she ordered for me but I didn't really have any desire to eat.
I'm tired. I look like garbage. I FEEL like garbage. I can't believe we have finals next week. It's a miracle that I was even willing to leave my room this morning, but Karin made me promise I'd have breakfast with her.
"We'll study together," she says, noticing how I've been pushing my eggs around my plate. "We'll study all weekend."
It's a nice sentiment, but there's no way I'll be able to get caught up on an entire semester's worth of material in the next four days. Even if I did amazingly on my final exams it wouldn't be enough to pull me up from my generally lacking attendance and pathetic midterm grades.
I feel like I am on autopilot, moving, breathing, going about my daily routine with difficulty… but I don't feel alive.
It's hard to move. To eat. To shower. To wake up. To do the things I should be doing… the things normal people do. I can't function.
"Sasuke?" Karin says my name.
"Oh," I murmur, glancing up at her. "Yeah, sorry… That sounds good, studying, yeah."
She gives me this piteous look and I want to tell her to stop, but I don't. If I were her, I'd probably pity me, too.
I'm not looking forward to exams. I'm not looking forward to failing. I'm not looking forward to showing my parents my bad marks.
I've been putting it off, ignoring their calls. Itachi has been calling me, too, but I never pick up. I'm worried one day they're all going to just show up and I'll have to tell them that my grades aren't good. Then they'll be ashamed. They'll make me feel worse than I already do. They'll ask me why I let things get this bad. They'll demand answers. I doubt I'll be able to tell them. I can't even say the R-word out loud. It was hard enough to tell Karin what happened. To tell my parents would be worse.
Karin has been outstandingly understanding. She hasn't brought up that day even once to try and get more details. I've mentioned little things to her here and there relating to stuff I've remembered or how I'm feeling, but not enough to initiate a conversation really.
She's been helping me with math a lot by making sure we always do the homework together and get the same answers. She brings me her notes too when I don't make it to class. She told me I should talk to Naruto about getting the Business lecture notes, so I'm going to have to do that this weekend before I can actually study.
I'm really not looking forward to approaching him, although he has been better about not getting way too interested in my business lately. I wonder if he's had his hands full with Kiba. Judging by the conversation I overheard and the fact that they're still hanging out, they're probably secretly dating or something. Or Not. I don't fucking know. Maybe some people are capable of keeping things like that casual and being friends.
I don't think I'd be able to do that. I could never be friends with someone I messed around with. I've messed around with a lot of people and I've never had interest in being friends.
After picking at my food a little more, I decide that's enough. Me and Karin head out.
"Library?" she asks.
I want to tell her no. I want to tell her I want to go back to my room, but that seems counterproductive. If we end up back in my room, I'll end up lying in bed and I won't want to get up. I won't end up studying at all.
So, instead of any of that, I somewhat solemnly say, "Sure."
She smiles and we head across campus. I'm hoping we don't see anyone we know because I look like total shit. I haven't showered today or yesterday and I'm still wearing the clothes I slept in. I used to take pride in my appearance. I liked the way I looked. Now it just feels like a bad thing.
When we're in the library, we get situated on a table in the back where all the windows are. It's bright. There are a few other students sitting around at other tables, whispering and studying. No one looks familiar, though, and for that I'm glad.
Karin opens her bag and starts lifting her text books out. "Where do you wanna start?"
"Probably math," I tell her. It will be easy since it's the subject I'm most caught up in and Karin knows the best. It's honestly probably my only chance of a decent mark.
"Sounds good." She nods, pulling out the textbook and flipping to the last chapter we covered.
I pull mine out too and set it on the table, but I don't open it. Instead I follow along over Karin's shoulder. It's the best I can do right now.
.
.
That evening around seven Karin forces me out of my room again and up the dorm stairs to where Naruto lives. She doesn't come with me, but she does tell me not to come back until I have the business notes.
It's a little ridiculous that she has to be so hard on me to get me to do anything, but it's probably for the best.
When I'm standing in front of his room I let out a long sigh and then raise my balled fist, knocking a couple times. A split second later, the door opens and Naruto is standing there.
"Hey, man," he greets with a smile. "Been a while."
He doesn't even ask me why I'm here. He just greets me. How very.
"Yeah," I respond. "I need your business notes."
He nods for me to come in and then he closes the door behind me. I glance around, noticing that his roommate doesn't seem to be here. "You're lucky. Kiba had them a little while ago. My notes are pretty bad, but he missed some classes, so it was better than nothin'. I guess it's the same case for you. Your notes would probably be pretty impeccable, but mine are total shit…"
He keeps talking even though I'm not really responding.
"Hopefully they will help a little bit," he continues, rifling through his mess of crap. "Sorry. I'm pretty sloppy, my shit's all over the place."
"I can see that," I reply, crossing my arms.
He keeps rummaging through shit, every now and then pulling out a sheet of paper and setting it aside. I guess his Business notes are all mixed in with the rest of his coursework. Great. I probably would have been better off just asking the professor to email me the PowerPoint presentations.
"So how have you been?" Naruto asks, trying to make small talk as he slips through a few different notebooks.
"I've been fine," I tell him vaguely. "What about you?"
Normally I wouldn't care enough to ask, but I figure I should be courteous considering he's taking time to give me his notes.
"Oh, you know." He shrugs. "Fine."
"How's Kiba?"
I don't know why I brought it up because technically it's none of my business and I should really stay out of it, but I'm curious. It's weird, usually I wouldn't give a fuck.
Naruto pauses for a moment, glancing up at me before quickly returning his eyes to the notebook he's holding.
"Oh, y'know," he lets out a small chuckle, "Y'know…"
"Not really," I admit. "I haven't been around, remember?"
"Right," he murmurs. Then he lets out another laugh. I guess he's nervous talking about it, but he doesn't even know that I know. "Kiba is okay… Uh, he got a service dog. You probably didn't know that, though, since you haven't been around."
"A service dog?" I pry. "Why?"
Naruto shrugs. "Dunno if I'm supposed to say why."
"Fair," I relent, not pushing for details. "That must mean he's not okay."
"He has good days," Naruto insists, "but lately… I dunno. There are a lot of not so good days."
I eye him. He looks distressed suddenly. "And it worries you?"
"Well, yeah, he's my best friend," Naruto says with a sigh. "I just wish he'd talk to me more. He's better lately, though. He's talking more. I think talking helps, y'know?" He glances at me.
"I don't know about that," I argue. "If you talk, then people will assume things about you. If you talk, your secrets and your weaknesses can be used against you."
"That's pessimistic as hell," he tells me, smiling wearily.
"Then call me a pessimist," I retort with a careless shrug.
"Well, I don't really think he talks to anyone but me and I don't exactly plan on using his secrets and weaknesses against him anytime soon."
"Guess you're a better friend than most," I tell him. I only half mean it. I know even the best of friends become untrustworthy at some point.
"Do you do that thing, too?" Naruto asks suddenly, "The thing where you bottle everything up and don't talk to anyone about it?"
I shrug. I don't really feel like answering.
"Do you talk to Karin?" he continues. "Because when you first started missing class I got worried and asked her about you and she wouldn't tell me even though I'm literally related to her. She's really trustworthy."
"Yes, she knows some things," I say vaguely. "Things no one else knows."
Naruto nods his head. "That's good. Did talking to her help?"
"I don't know," I confess. "Perhaps it did." I pause and then add, "I didn't think she would betray my trust, but it's still reassuring to know she kept her mouth shut."
Naruto snorts and then says, "Yeah, she can be a big mouth… kinda like me, but I'm the same way. I'd never tell a secret I was told to keep."
"Good," I say. "I hate people who do things like that."
Naruto nods, agreeing with me. "They're pretty trashy."
Naruto seems nice. He seems sincere, but anyone can SEEM a certain way. There's no way to tell if it's genuine and that's what worries me when it comes to people – especially now.
"It's good you trust Karin though—" He sits on his bed and begins sorting through all of the papers he set aside earlier. "There was a minute there when I thought Kiba was never going to trust me. I mean, we've known each other forever but it's not like we ever talked about anything real and we didn't start getting close until this year. Then we had kind of a rough patch but it's all sorted out now."
"Oh, yeah," I say a little too knowingly.
Naruto glances up at me, looking a little confused. For a second I contemplate playing it off and just telling him I've been in that position before so I know what he means, but instead I decide to just bite the bullet and tell him. I've got nothing to lose really anyway.
"I overheard you guys talking a while back," I admit. It's a little embarrassing—I shouldn't have been listening.
"About what?" Naruto questions.
"About like," I pause, "Hooking up?"
"Aw, shit, I knew we were being too loud," Naruto says with a chortle. He covers his mouth, suppressing further laughter. "Damn, okay, you CAN'T tell Kiba that you know. Keep it to yourself."
"Of course," I state.
"He'd freak out hard," Naruto adds. "Honestly, like… I don't even know why we did it. We were both so fucked up it just kind of happened."
"You're not dating?" I wonder. "I thought you might've been. After the argument you two seemed to be getting along fine."
Naruto wrinkles his nose, looking thoughtful. "Well… I just kind of dropped it. Kiba didn't want to talk about it. But then the other day we hooked up again! So, I don't really know what's going on."
"Oh," I say simply.
Naruto shrugs again and then starts to smile at me. "You're a nosy little bastard," he teases.
I narrow my eyes a little. I'm really not in the mood to be poked fun at. I'm really supposed to be downstairs studying. This is just a distraction.
"So, what—" I say, diverting the subject back to him. "Are you, like, gay?"
I'm only asking because it'd be nice to know someone else on this campus who was. Like, know them personally I mean. There are tons of guys who are down for one night stands when they're fucked up at parties but as soon as the morning rolls around they disappear into the framework.
"Um, I don't know," Naruto answers. He seriously doesn't sound like he's given this very much thought. "Maybe, I guess? I just kinda…like whoever."
"Fuck whoever," I correct.
"So far." He shrugs. "I could see myself liking a guy though."
"Like Kiba?" I pry further.
Naruto snorts out a laugh, "Like anyone! Jeez, you're feeling really pushy today aren't you?"
"I'm gay," I decide to say. It's offhanded. I don't know what makes me say it, but the words come out easy for the first time in my life. Maybe it's because this is no longer my worst secret. Maybe it's because Naruto will get it. Maybe it's just because. Simple as that.
Naruto's lips part. I don't know if he's surprised that I'm gay or if he's just surprised that I told him. "Really?"
"Yes, really," I say.
"How'd you find out?" he asks.
It seems like a stupid question at first, but then I realize it's not. Some people don't find out until they are older because they just don't think about it.
"I always knew," I admit.
"Then why do you fuck girls?" he wonders.
I shrug. "I don't know. It's easier."
He's giving me a look like I just said something stupid. I probably did. "Do you only sleep with girls?"
He's beginning to enter dangerous territory. I don't want to think about the last man that touched me. So, I just shrug again. "Not really. I've been… with men."
"I seriously never would have known," Naruto confesses, and it makes me feel kind of relieved. Maybe it's not good that I'm keeping it a secret but I'm glad that I'm at least doing a decent job.
"Yeah well, I try to keep it on the down low," I reply, trying to sound nonchalant. "So, don't tell anyone."
"Who else knows?" he asks. I can tell he's trying to figure out if I've told Karin yet.
"Don't tell anyone," I reiterate. "No one."
"Okay, okay." He puts his hands up in defeat. "I won't. I promise." A pause. "Thanks for telling me by the way," he adds after a moment. He looks discreetly pleased with himself.
"It's whatever." I shrug. It's not whatever, but I'd rather he not run around with the wrong idea about us being best buds or something.
When Naruto finally finds all of his notes, he hands them to me. "Here," he says.
I take them and begin scanning "These aren't very good," I add.
He rolls his eyes at me. "I know," he snorts, "but it's better than nothing – which is what you've got. So, suck it up."
"Thanks," I add.
Naruto nods and says, "No problem, man."
With that, I take my leave.
That was weird. I just had a conversation with him. I told him a secret. I don't know what made me do that. I told him something that not even Karin knows.
I'm gay.
The words came out so easily.
It was the first time I said it. I never even spoke about it with Jugo. I just didn't deny it when he asked. I mean, I couldn't deny it when he had seen it firsthand.
Naruto better keep quiet about it. If not, then I will make him regret it, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Karin always has good things to say about her cousin, so I'm going to take it to heart until he proves her wrong.
I head back downstairs to my room where Karin is waiting. When I get there, I hand her the notes as proof that I wasn't just screwing around.
"That took you awhile," she comments, flipping through the several pages of scrawl Naruto gave me, "Wow, these are shit."
"Yeah they're total crap," I agree, "But they're better than nothing."
Karin nods in agreement before handing them back to me. I guess I'm supposed to sit down and study these now? Ugh, I'm such a lost cause. I've barely attended this class for months and I doubt last-minute cramming from a few pages of utter garbage is going to make a difference in my grade.
I think Karin knows how fucked I am. She's trying to be supportive but she has to know—there's no way she couldn't.
.
.
When exam week arrives, I am even less than confident in my abilities to pass. I'm lucky I only have three exams. My other courses just had essay assignments. My first exam sucks. My second exam sucks. My third exam is probably also going to suck. It's Business. When I'm seated in the auditorium, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't wait for it to be over. When the proctors hand out the stapled booklets and announce the start of the three hour period, I flip it over. Some things I know, others I don't. So, I decide to make educated guesses. Most of it is educated guesses. If I'm lucky, I'll get enough to pass the course. Then I won't have to repeat. I can try and lie to my parents. I can try and tell them I did well. Maybe they won't ask to see the proof.
I finish within the first hour when most other people are still at it. Unlike me, they all probably know what they're doing.
On my way out, I spot Naruto scribbling away. I wonder if he'll do better than me. Probably. Next to him is Kiba. That moron will probably do better than me, too.
I shake it off and head back to my room.
When I get back the first thing I do is empty my binders of my schoolwork from this semester—although there isn't much of it. I put all of the papers in one file-folder that I put at the bottom of a cardboard box that I used during move-in but have had broken down in my closet since.
If my parents find out how poorly I did, the first they'll want to see is my notes. It'll be easy for them to figure out that I wasn't going to class, so I'll just tell them everything got lost in the moving process.
The dorms close quickly after finals ends, probably because the university doesn't want to keep paying to house students who aren't doing anything but celebrating the end of the year. I'll be moving back to my parents' house for the summer, which really isn't that far from the school, just too much for an everyday commute.
I'm not looking forward to it at all.
My brother is going to be picking me up this weekend and taking me home. Before he even asks me how I'm doing, he'll ask about school. That's how it goes with my family.
When I'm in the process of getting all of my shit together, Karin pops it.
"What?" I ask her flatly, not bothering to quit what I'm doing.
"Did you do all right on your exams?" she asks.
"Doubtful," I retort, not wanting to think about it too much.
She frowns, probably sensing that I'm distressed. "Sasuke, you're allowed to cry about it, you know. You have a lot to cry about, but you never cry. In all my years of knowing you, I've never seen you even close to crying."
I scoff, glancing her way. "Karin, I literally CAN'T. I don't have time for this."
"You would feel better," she says.
She sounds just like Naruto when she talks like that.
I guess they were raised by the same people, so it makes sense. I wonder how I would be different if my parents were like theirs. Being this stressed out about everything probably isn't genetic, but thinking about it as something outside of just my personality makes me feel as though I ought to be able to just turn it off.
"You're too hard on yourself," Karin continues, as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking.
"I don't see it that way," I mumble in response. "It's how I motivate myself."
"Okay, but…" she pauses, "Not everything can end up perfectly. You always beat yourself up when things aren't exactly how you want them."
I hate where this conversation is going. I don't need a lecture on how my coping skills are crummy—I already know that.
"Well, next time I'll just remember how bad it made me feel and won't make the same mistakes," I tell her, although it's obvious she knows it's a load of crap.
"Whatever you say," she mumbles, crossing her arms. "Want any help?"
"Sure," I say. "Just toss shit in boxes. I don't give a fuck if it's organized I just want it done."
She nods her head slowly, uncrossing her arms to lend me a hand.
.
.
When the weekend arrives, Itachi shows up and helps me unload crap. His friend Kisame is with him, so he helps us out as well. He's pretty huge, so he takes the bigger boxes to the car. When we are all situated, I say good riddance to my dorm room and then we head back home.
I'm dreading it. I haven't been home since I moved into the dorms and I really wish I didn't have to go back. My parents are going to ask me how I did in my courses. I'm going to have to come up with a very convincing lie if I want to keep them off my back when my marks are available.
If they find out how bad I did, I'm going to get killed. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad gave me a beating. I'd probably let him. I fucking deserve it.
I can't even imagine what's going to happen if I actually failed a class and have to repeat. There will be no hiding from something like that and I'd be surprised if I don't end up six feet under in the backyard.
On the ride home, Itachi doesn't bother to ask my about my courses. He probably knows I did poorly. The lack of information I've been willing to give him makes it pretty obvious. He knows that if I had done well I'd be glowing just like I was after first semester.
The whole situation sucks and I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. Even if by some miracle my parents don't demand to see my transcript, I'm going to sit with the feeling all summer that I just majorly fucked up my life.
When we arrive home, I have to force myself out of the car. For once, I'm glad to live in such a huge house. It'll be easier to avoid my parents this summer.
The three of us take all the boxes into the front entrance and up to my room. I debate on flinging myself down the stairs, but I don't do that. I debate on unpacking my things, but I don't feel motivated enough to do that. I just sit in my bed and Itachi and Kisame staire at me. "So," Itachi starts. "School?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I murmur.
He nods his head like I just confirmed what he was assuming.
"Mom and Dad are at work," he adds. "They'll be back in around an hour. So, be prepared for questions. I will let you tell them."
"Great," I mutter.
With that, they leave me alone.
I lie back on my bed and roll over against the wall. This is so fucking depressing. I feel legitimately physically uncomfortable at how much of a shit show this is about to be.
Whatever. If I'm going to commit to lying I might as well work on getting my story straight.
The first thing mom and dad will ask is why I never returned their calls. Usually I'd say the semester was demanding and I had no free time, but I don't really want to set them off in the direction of thinking I was struggling. It might work for me to tell them something along the lines of I was trying to mature and adjust to life without their support. If I act like I need space they might not hassle me over my grades so much.
I close my eyes for a few minutes. I'm glad to be back in my own room, but I'm not glad to be back in this house.
.
.
When I hear the front doors open, I drag myself up out of bed and downstairs. My head feels fuzzy as I try to figure out exactly what I'm going to say. Either way, I know I'm probably fucked.
I slip down the stairs in time to hear my parents ask Itachi if I'm home.
"Upstairs," I hear Itachi respond.
"Hey," I decide to greet, making my presence known as I descend the stairs.
"Sasuke," my mother says my name. "Why didn't you answer any of my calls?"
Yup, there it is.
"Sorry," I start with an apology, "I know I should have called back, I just got caught up with things. I thought it would make me better at problem solving to have to do things by myself mostly this semester."
She gives me a kind of lopsided look and it makes me anxious. I can't tell if she's concerned about the fact that I used the word 'problem' or just that I'm growing up.
"Well you still should have called. You know we're always here for you," she says tenderly. I guess it was the latter.
"I know, sorry," I repeat.
I can't help but worry that I'm coming off awkward or reserved. I don't want them to think something is wrong. I should be more excited to see them but I physically cannot muster any enthusiasm.
"How were exams?" my dad cuts in with the question I've been dreading.
Aaaand here we go. Of fuckin' course. Before they even ask about my well-being they have to ask me about school. I guess it doesn't matter because even if they did ask me how I was doing, I'd lie… but it would be nice to feel like they both care about me more than my grades.
"Good," I say easily. "We will get our marks back within the next week or two."
"Make sure you show us your transcript," Mom adds.
Fucking great.
"Of course," I respond calmly, even though I feel like fucking screaming.
I really don't know how I'm going to swing this. I should just start apologizing now, but I don't. Instead, I will probably let this drag on for as long as I can.
I don't like lying, but I literally cannot tell them. I can't get myself to say the words. They just sit in my throat like the leftovers of a bad cold.
I glance at Itachi and he's giving me a concerned look. I can tell he knows I'm screwing myself over majorly right now. If he were in my shoes he would just tell them—I know he would. He would own up to it and accept whatever punishment they saw fit. That being said, he would also never be in this fucked up situation. I guess that's why he's their favorite.
"Well, I have a lot of boxes to put away," I say just to break the silence, even though I have no intention of unpacking at all tonight, "I should probably get started."
"Okay," my mother nods, "I'll be starting on dinner soon so I'll call you when it's ready."
I nod back and with that I head back to my room. There's a sinking feeling in my chest going down into the pit of my stomach. All I can think about is how disgusted they're going to be when they figure it all out.
.
.
The days go on. My parents ask about my marks regularly. Today, all of my marks appear on my transcript online. I got a handful of D's and some C's. This is exactly what I expected, yet somehow I am still surprised. I think I'm surprised because if feels surreal. I still can't believe that I fell so far.
Soon enough, my parents will yet again ask me if I got my marks back. They will want to see. They will be angry with me. I'll feel worse than I already do.
Itachi's been watching all week waiting for me to crack. He's even dropped a few hints that I should get a move on, asking me if I've checked my university account yet that day and if I haven't that I probably should. He knows the longer I wait the worse it will be.
Part of me is curious as to how badly he thinks I did. If he thinks I failed he'll be pleasantly surprised but then I'll know he had low expectations of me. If he thinks I'm just being hard on myself for getting a singular B then he'd better prepare to be grossly disappointed.
I actually don't know if the repercussions would be any different if I had only gotten a B. I'd still be upset. My parents would be upset. Anything below an A is unacceptable.
I'm nervous.
When we're eating supper, my parents keep asking me what's wrong. I put it off. I insist it's nothing. I don't want to make dinner awkward.
I try to talk to them after, but I begin feeling sick again, so I go upstairs. Itachi gives me a dull look, silently telling me to go and get it over with.
Shit.
I sit on my bed, trying to mull things over… though there isn't much to mull over. There's no way I'm leaving this situation unscathed. My parents are going to destroy me.
After wasting enough time, I decide to finally just get it over with. I head back downstairs and into the kitchen. By now my mom does the dishes while my dad does some work on his laptop at the table.
"Mom… Dad…" I start shakily, announcing my presence as I hover in the entry-way.
"What is it, Sasuke?" my mom asks offhandedly, not bothering to turn around and face me. My dad doesn't bother glancing up at me, either. His eyes are glued to his laptop screen.
"I got my marks back," I say, and my mom turns away from the sink, grabbing a dishtowel to dry her hands on. I know that from the tone of my voice she can tell something is wrong.
"And…?" she urges me to continue.
"I didn't do as well as I thought I did," I admit slowly. I want to make it sound like I had no idea, although I'm sure as soon as they see the report they'll know I've been making shit up for months.
"Oh," she says quietly. My dad closes his laptop, looking up at me.
"Well let's see them," he doesn't miss a beat.
"They're online," I say.
He doesn't seem deterred. God, this is the fucking worst.
"I'll pull them up," I continue, probably sounding ashamed as hell because I fucking am.
I walk over to him and he opens his laptop again, signing in and then handing it to me to put in my information for the university website. I click through the pages to where they upload the transcripts. Part of me hopes it won't be there, even though I know it will.
I'm shaking badly. I'm trying hard not to, but it's overwhelming. My face feels hot and my cheeks are probably pink. They already sound mad and I haven't even showed them how bad it is yet.
I type my passwords in and pull up the page before backing away from the laptop. My parents crowd the screen, staring up and down.
"Tsk…" I hear my mom click her tongue. "D's… C's… This isn't good."
My dad glances at her. "This isn't good?!" he repeats in question, his voice roaring. "Of course it's not good, Mikoto!" He glances back at me and then adds, "What the hell is this, Sasuke?" He points to the computer screen, waiting for answers.
"My marks," I say weakly.
He slams his computer shut with enough force to make me wonder if it is going to work when he tries to open it up again. "Your marks?" he questions me, standing up.
I'm fucked. I'm so, so fucked.
"I'm sorry!" I say frantically, "It was way harder than I expected—I tried my best, I really did—"
My dad walks towards me and I back up, which clearly only makes him angrier because he reaches out and grabs me by the shoulder to keep me from getting any further away.
"Stop it," he says threateningly, his hands gripping me so hard that it hurts, "I don't want to hear your excuses."
I just nod. This is it. They know. I just have to let this happen now.
"This is unacceptable," he continues in a hushed voice that I hate even more than his yelling, "Why are your mother and I even paying for your schooling if this is going to be the outcome?"
"I didn't mean for this to happen!" I practically plead with him. I don't want him to get mad. I can't even think of the last time he was this pissed off with me.
"Well, it did," he says sharply.
"I've been stressed," I continue frantically. "My friends are high-maintenance and it was hard being away from home for that long!"
"Then why didn't you answer our calls?" he demands. "You could have visited, but you didn't. You didn't even try to –"
Before I can even think about the repercussions, I cut him off. "I think my professors hated me and I just –" The stupid excuses keep flying out of my mouth and I can't believe how desperate I sound. It hurts to hear. I feel like I've lost all dignity. I can't even force myself to shut up, so my dad decides to do it for me when he raises his palm and backhands me across the face.
My head swings to the side and it stings. I hear my mom gasp and she covers her mouth before hissing out my dad's name. "Fugaku!"
He points his finger at me and spits, "Shut your mouth. I wasn't finished talking. Don't cut me off again."
I stare back at him, not saying a word.
This is such garbage. If they actually cared to find out how I was doing we wouldn't be in this mess—they wouldn't be so mad. I can't fucking wrap my head around why they act like it would kill them to try and actually be understanding for once in their lives.
I don't want to be here right now. I CAN'T be here right now. I turn to leave but my dad still has a grip on my shoulder and easily pulls me back around.
When he has me back in front of him he brings his hand to the same spot on my face a second time. It's not as startling but it hurts more because he catches my cheekbone with his wedding ring.
"Fuck!" I hiss, bringing my hand to cover my jaw and cheek.
"Language," he warns me.
He continues reprimanding me and I want to fucking die. I want to sink into the floor and disappear. I'd rather be anywhere but here. My mom doesn't say anything else, but she looks uneasy. I think she's worried that this is going to cause familial conflict… Well, she's probably right.
When my dad is done his angry tirade, they finally allow me to leave after I promise to think about what I've done.
I turn down the hallway. My eyes glazed over and I totally zoned out in the middle of my dad's second scorn. God, what now?
I move into my room, closing my bedroom door and locking it. I don't bother to turn the lights on. I sit in the center of my bed in the dark and feel my eyes well up.
This is too much. First I got fucked at that party and now this. I wish I never got drunk. Then I'd still be doing well. My parents would be pleased. Everything would be okay.
I try to stifle myself but I feel like I'm going to choke or be sick. I put my palms over my eyes and hunch over before starting to sob.
I fucking hate myself. I can't believe I let this happen. There's a million steps I should have taken to prevent it from getting this bad and I didn't even try to take any of them.
My dad deserves to be mad—I'm fucking worthless. All I did was waste his money this semester. I should have taken time off if I was just going to fuck around and skip class.
I'm capable of doing so much better than my grades this semester showed—that's what's so frustrating about this. It'd be one thing if I tried my best and just couldn't make an A because the course was hard, but just not being able to get out of bed is the world's lamest fucking excuse.
I lie on my side, wrapping an arm around myself.
At least I'm finally crying. Karin would be pleased, but maybe this isn't quite what she had in mind.
I sniffle and swipe at my eyes only to make room for new tears.
At some point I hear a knock at my door, but I ignore it. I try to be quiet. Then maybe they'll think I'm sleeping. The last thing I want to do is talk to anyone – especially considering the state I'm in.
"Sasuke…?"
It's my mom.
I close my eyes, waiting for her to go away. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to be left alone. I need to deal with this. I need to fix myself this summer. I can't keep disappointing my parents. I can't keep disappointing myself.
I hear the doorknob rattle, but it stops as quickly as it started. I think my mom realizes that if my door is locked then I must really want to be alone.
"Sweetie, if you want to talk I'll be downstairs," she tells me from out in the hall before I hear her footsteps carrying her away from my bedroom.
I don't know what I would even have to talk to her about. It's not like I could tell her the truth about why everything got so fucked up. I would literally rather die than talk to either of my parents about that. I still can barely believe I told Karin. I never would have if she hadn't backed me into a corner over it.
No one else needs to know. I just need to get over it. The only thing is… I don't know how to get over it. I could try to look something up online, but I feel like that would be bad. The internet is a gross place and no one cares about rape victims. It's doubly worse for me considering that I was drunk. If a case like this were taken to court, everyone knows that that would be thrown in my face. I guess that's why most rapes aren't reported. Court rooms basically just try to figure out some way to say that you deserved it. I already feel like I had it coming. It can't get much worse than this now.
Funny, I keep saying that yet somehow I find a way to top it.
.
.
Somehow, I end up falling asleep. When I wake up I feel disgusting. I go into my bathroom, which is luckily inside of my bedroom, and brush my teeth. There's a slight bruise on my face. I wonder if my dad will feel bad about it. Probably not if he actually had it in him to hit me twice.
I debate on showering, but I don't feel like it. I can go one more day without it. I debate on changing, but I don't do that either. I'm still wearing the clothes I've slept in for the past few nights.
I can't be here today. I need to go.
I wash my face and then head out of the bathroom and out of my bedroom. I think everyone is at work by now, thank god. I'll need to make a quick escape before they all get home tonight. I'm not ready to see my dad. I know he's going to look at me like I'm shit and that will somehow make me feel even lower than I already feel, if that's even possible.
I grab my wallet and house keys, making sure to lock the front door behind me as I leave. I don't know where I'm going, just away from here.
My parents took one car this morning and Itachi took the other, but I don't mind a walk because the weather is nice and I need to clear my head anyway. It's quite a ways before there's anything worthwhile but I think it'll be good for me.
I head down the block and around the corner. It's bright outside and I kind of wish I had remembered a pair of sunglasses but there isn't much point in going back to find some. Even though this semester was a train wreck I'm glad to be done and not have it looming over my head anymore.
I have to spend the next few months seriously getting my shit together. If I keep on like this the school will probably kick me out.
That would be so humiliating I would probably die. People would probably find out about it. There wouldn't be anything I could do. I'd honestly die. It would be too much. I don't want to think about it, so I just keep walking.
I live in an area where the houses are spaced far apart and the yards are large, so it takes me a while to reach the town. I walk past shops, restaurants, parks. I begin feeling self-conscious because I know I look like shit. I try to keep my head down and not pay attention.
I pull out my phone to check the time and see that I have a couple missed calls from Itachi, but he left no messages. He probably just wants to know where I am. Well, I'm not in a particularly chatty mood.
As it nears four o'clock, I start looking for a place to find some food. I haven't eaten yet today and I'm getting pretty hungry.
The nearest restaurant is a pub and even though it doesn't seem particularly appealing I don't feel like spending my time looking for somewhere else. Since it's early, I'm seated at the bar almost immediately and only need a few moments to look at the menu before deciding on the only half-decent looking item which is a chicken sandwich.
"Anything to drink?" the bartender asks, eyeing me up and down. It feels like he's sizing me up. I wonder if he thinks I look too much like a scrub to be in here.
"Um," I mumble, flipping to where the drink list is. I don't really want anything, but it feels weird not to order something.
"I'll just have whatever lager you have on tap I guess," I say awkwardly, finally setting the menu down.
The bartender nods. "Can I get your ID?"
I pull my wallet out of my jacket pocket and fish around for a second to find my driver's license. I hand it to him and he glances at it briefly before giving it back to me. Then he turns around, filling a glass and sliding it back to me.
I stare down into it before taking the first sip. Not great, but not awful. I can't help but think about the last time I drank.
What the fuck am I doing here? It seems like such a stupid idea. God, I don't even care anymore.
I let out a sigh, feeling even lower. Nonetheless, I continue to drink. Fast. Halfway through, my sandwich is placed in front of me.
I eat slowly. I feel like I'm being watched even though no one else is here. Just me, the bartender and whoever made my food.
I must look like such a fucking loser sitting here.
"You okay, buddy?" the bartender asks, glancing at me as he washes some glasses.
"Fine," I respond a little too quickly.
He doesn't press. I guess it's not his job to. I don't know how he could actually want to have a lengthy conversation with me about how much everything sucks right now. Asking is just common courtesy.
"Could I have another beer?" I ask him, setting down the remaining half of a chicken sandwich that's in my hand.
"No problem." He reaches out, taking my glass and depositing it in a dish rack near the door to the kitchen. Then he grabs another glass and fills it, handing it to me and then going back to unloading a set of clean dishes that were just brought out onto the shelves behind the bar.
I try to drink this one more slowly, sipping on it as I watch him wipe down the counter and close out the tab for the waiter of a few older men who sit in the opposite side of the restaurant eating a late lunch.
I try to mind my own business and keep staring ahead. I probably look nervous. I feel it, too, and for absolutely no reason at all. I play around with my phone a bit, checking emails, messages and other notifications. I down my second beer. I order a third.
I wonder if my parents know I'm gone or if Itachi is the only one who is home. Itachi is the golden child. He is everything my parents wanted in a son. They wanted me to be like him, too, and maybe for a while I was headed in the right direction, but now I'm not.
Itachi does everything my parents want him to do. They don't even have to ask. They've always had to ask me. Maybe that's why I'm not the favourite. They feel like they shouldn't have to ask us to do the things they think we should do.
Someday soon he'll probably move out. He'll probably end up marrying someone nice that my parents approve of, regardless of whether or not he actually wants to do that. Sometimes he's like a robot they programmed to be perfect. I don't get it.
By the time I finish my third drink the pub starts to fill up a little more. I've been here over two hours and it's starting to get into dinner time.
A few people come and sit at the bar, have a drink, and then leave. I try to mind my own business. I want to be left alone.
Eventually, I order a fourth beer. I don't really intend to drink it—I just don't want them to try to kick me out for loitering now that it's getting busy.
I fiddle with the napkin that my glass is on, folding and unfolding the corners. This is pathetic and I'm starting to feel a little woozy. I should probably stop. I should probably just go home.
I take my wallet out and leave a few bills on the counter, not worrying about the change. When I'm about to leave, a familiar face enters. It's Naruto. Of fucking course it's him. He starts grinning when he spots me standing a few feet away.
"Hey!" he exclaims, waving both hands at me as he approaches.
I hold up a hand. "Hi."
"Been a while," he adds. "How are yah?"
"Fine, but I should probably go…" I say.
"Nah, come sit with me," Naruto offers. "I was gonna grab a bite."
"I just ate," I say. "I was going to go home."
"The night is still young," he counters. "Have a drink with me."
Since I'm not really in the mood to go home yet, I accept him and we sit back down at the bar. It makes me feel kind of stupid, like I've been here for way too long, but I try not to think about it.
Naruto orders a large burger and eats messily, talking with his mouth full the entire time. It doesn't bother me that much, though. He's not really talking about anything important – just little things. He says he's looking for an apartment and he has his eye on a few spots that he's trying to narrow down.
"That's exciting," I tell him.
When he's done eating, he orders a drink and then he orders me one.
The bartender eyes me warily when he brings back the order. He's probably wondering if he should stop serving me. When he sets the glasses down I say thanks and try to act sober. I can handle way more than a of couple beers.
"How've you been?" Naruto asks nonchalantly, "I'm surprised to run into you so soon after term ended."
"Yeah," I agree, "I don't really live close to here."
"I remember Karin telling me once that you had to commute kind of a long way when we were in high school."
I nod, "My house is a ways. That's why I live on campus."
"It's honestly so much better that way," Naruto jokes. "I love my aunt and uncle and all but I can't imagine living with them still."
I force a smile. "Fair. It's hard being back with my family. I miss being alone."
"You're quite the recluse these days, huh?" he asks me.
"I suppose so."
"Why?" he pries.
I wrinkle my nose. "Dunno… reasons."
He nods his head slowly, not asking any more questions about it. He continues to sip on his drink and I continue to sip on mine. My head feels a little clouded, but I'm not sloshed. I kind of wish I was, though. Then maybe this would be easier. I feel pressured sitting here with him. I don't even know why. I think I just don't want to say the wrong things. I'm always overthinking everything lately.
Naruto glances at me and then glances down into his drink. "So… who hit you?"
I stare back at him. I don't really feel like answering that question but I also don't have the energy to make up an excuse. "I don't want to talk about that," I say directly and Naruto nods, continuing to stare at his drink. "Do you have any plans for the summer?" I ask, deliberately changing the subject.
"Um, not really," Naruto replies, taking the hint. "Just moving into an apartment like I said before and maybe finding a roommate."
"Anyone in mind?"
Naruto shrugs, "I want Kiba to move in with me but his whole situation's pretty unpredictable."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I finish off my drink and set it on the bar counter. "Aren't you two like, sleeping together?"
"Not like, in a serious way." Naruto clarifies, then points to my empty glass. "Do you want another?"
I nod and he flags down the bartender, telling him that we want two more.
"How it is not serious, then?" I pry. "Especially considering that you're best friends."
"We're not into each other like that," he insists simply.
"You're sure that he feels similarly?" I can't help but wonder.
Naruto pauses for a moment, looking like he's giving the question some thought. Then he nods. "Yeah, I think so."
"S'good, then," I say.
I decide not to press the issue. He'll have to sort through it on his own. Either way, sleeping with your friends is a stupid idea.
Our drinks are placed in front of us. I stare into my mine before taking a sip. I wonder if Naruto knows I already had a few drinks. Probably not. I forget how many I've had so far, but I'm starting to feel it.
I can't believe I'm actively allowing myself to get drunk right now. I haven't even touched alcohol since that night in January and now I'm sitting in a bar with one of my best friend's cousins that up until recently I considered to be the biggest pain in the ass I'd ever met. I guess I'm glad that I'm with Naruto as opposed to by myself. I trust him, even though I don't have a lot of reason to. He's at least a halfway decent person and I know he has incentive to not just leave me here—Karin would kill him.
"Did you do well on your finals?" I ask, trying to make more small talk. I don't know why I bring it up. If he did it'll just be salt in the wound.
"I did fine," he tells me, leaving it at that. I don't really know what 'fine' is for someone like Naruto. Is that an A? Is that just not failing?
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says. "Did you do all right?"
"No," I murmur., frowning.
Naruto snorts. "What did you get? Too many B's?"
I scoff at that. "I wish…"
Naruto tilts his head to the side. "So… you didn't do too well?"
"No," I say. "I did worse than I've ever done on anything. I just… I froze."
"You were never in class," Naruto points out.
"I know that," I say somewhat sharply. "I'm not saying I didn't bring it on myself."
"That's not what I meant," he argues. "I just mean..." he trails off because that's exactly what he meant and we both know it.
"Whatever," I dismiss. "It's over. It is what it is and nothing I can do will change it now. It'll always be a black mark on my record."
"Well, you know what they say: a doctor who got all C's in school is still a doctor," Naruto chimes in.
It doesn't really help.
"Well, I'm no doctor," I say. "I'm going to be a lawyer."
Naruto nods. "Yeah… Isn't everyone in your family lawyers?"
"Basically," I confirm.
"Do you actually want to do something like that?" he continues. "Sorry but I can't really see you in that sort of position."
"Well after this semester it might just be a pipe dream," I reply dully. "But yeah, I mean, it's all I really ever thought about being."
Naruto goes silent. I think he was trying to catch me in some sort of 'you don't have to do something just because everyone else in your family does' argument, but it's just frankly not true. I DO have to be a lawyer. I don't have an option. Not only that, but I've been thinking about it for so long I do actually want it at this point. I don't know what else I would even be interested in.
Whether or not it was forced onto me at some point, it isn't the case now and if this isn't what I can do, then what the hell can I do? There's nothing else I want to be. This is all I really have. This was my goal. This is what I was going to do with my life… and now what? One stupid, drunk mistake flushed it all away.
"Then why can't you make it happen?" Naruto asks. "Why don't you go to class? I'm sorry, but I just don't get what changed so suddenly and so drastically."
"A lot," I murmur. "Well, maybe not so much. Just me. It's complicated."
But it's not. It's simple. It's so fucking simple. Something bad happened to me and I broke over it.
Naruto gives me a funny look. I can tell he wants to pry, but I'm so not drunk enough for that.
We both sit quietly for a moment while I work on finishing my drink. Naruto swishes his around in the glass, seeming like he's lost interest in it.
"So, how's Karin?" I ask in an attempt divert the conversation from myself.
"Oh, she's good," Naruto answers flatly, "At least I think she is. She moved back home already and we haven't had much time to hang out apart from talking about exams and my apartment search."
"Where are you looking again?" I set down my now empty glass.
"Near the school mostly. I don't have a car and am not really interested in trying to buy one, so I have to be able to walk."
I nod. I guess that makes sense.
"If Kiba can't be your roommate, do you have a backup plan?" When the bartender comes near I hold up my drink and he brings me yet another refill. I guess I still seem sober enough to serve.
"Oh," Naruto looks contemplative, "I think I'll probably just live by myself if that happens."
"How can you afford it?" I wonder.
"Since I'm an at-risk student I got a little help," he says.
I get what he means by that – probably some sort of scholarship for kids in his position.
"Oh," I respond with a long nod.
When the bartender sets my drink in front of me, I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about me. Does he think I'm your average trashy college kid? Does he think I can handle my liquor?
"So, things are really okay with you and Kiba…?"
Naruto nods his head. "Yeah, as far as I can tell. I mean, he's pretty closed off when it comes to talking about his emotions and shit but he told me some stuff."
"That's good," I say, stifling a smile.
"What is it?" Naruto asks, eying me.
"I just can't believe you and him had sex," I confess.
Naruto snorts back a laugh and shrugs. "Me, neither, to be honest… but c'mon, I bet you had sex with people you never thought you'd have sex with."
"Well, I guess… Sex is, like, an icebreaker for me," I admit.
"Aw," Naruto says with a sympathetic laugh. "Man, that's kinda sad…"
I shrug. "Yeah, I guess."
"So you just like—" Naruto wonders, "You meet someone you want to get to know better and you hook up with them right away?"
"Sort of," I admit, "Except usually I don't really end up wanting to know them afterwards."
Naruto looks sadly down at his drink. I feel kind of bad that I'm depressing him, but fuck, he's the one who asked.
"I just like—" I continue, "That's why I'm so surprised you and Kiba are still friends. A—I definitely thought you guys were straight, and B—I don't understand how you're managing this sort of limbo thing you have going on."
"Oh, yeah, well," Naruto mumbles awkwardly, "I don't really know if like…"
"I know," I wave at him dismissively, "You don't know if you're really gay. You know what I meant."
"So, how'd you know you were gay?" he asks, glancing at me.
"I told you I just did," I say simply. "I always knew. I was never interested in girls. I always stared at guys."
Naruto nods his head. "I wish it was that easy for me."
I shrug. "Some people… they don't figure it out for a long time… and that's okay. You will eventually. Try not to stress about it or anything. Labels aren't that important anyway."
Who am I kidding? I love labels. If I don't use them then I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. I like labelling myself because it's how I know who I am.
"I suppose," Naruto agrees. "I want to do more, but Kiba is kinda… I dunno. It's like he needs to be in a certain mood when we mess around and it always happens out of the blue. At this point, I don't really know if it was just a two-time thing of if it will happen again sometime."
"But you want it to happen again… with him?" I probe.
"With anyone," Naruto says, then he starts snickering. "That makes me sound horny as hell, but whatever. I mean, I have standards. I don't sleep with EVERYONE. I've been lucky so far. The other guy I've been with is good looking. I mean, Kiba isn't really my type, but he's good looking too."
"What's your type?" I wonder.
"Dunno," he admits. "I guess the guys I like are like the girls I thought I liked, if that makes sense?"
"You like girly guys…?"
He snorts. "No, I just… I dunno, man, it's complicated!"
I smile wryly, deciding to drop it since he's getting flustered. "All right."
After my next drink, I'm finally starting to feel kind of drunk. My head feels fuzzy and I think in any other situation I would be uncomfortable, but I trust that Naruto will look out for me. If he's anything like Karin, he probably won't leave me the fuck alone now. I don't have to worry about any creepy men in the bar trying to convince me to go home with them.
"Anyway—" Naruto chuckles to himself, "I guess I just have a feeling this summer is going to get sort of complicated."
"Probably," I admit, giving him a sympathetic look.
"I guess I did it to myself." He laughs, but he doesn't seem too distressed over it.
"Yeah," I agree, not sugar-coating his situation for him.
Naruto wrinkles his nose and then says, "Kiba really needs to get away from his parents. They're nuts."
"How so?" I wonder.
He leans in a bit. "He had, like, this bruise on his face. Kinda like the one you have. He wouldn't tell me where he got it, though. He insists it wasn't his dad, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was…"
"My dad hit me," I decide to share. I guess I'm drunk enough to admit it. My speech is also a little bit slower. Naruto probably notices it but perhaps he has enough tact not to point it out.
Naruto's jaw drops. "What…?!"
I point to my bruised cheek, poking it. "My dad, he did this last night."
"What the hell?" he asks. "Why would he hit you?"
"I was arguing," I explain. "I was talking back to him, I kept interrupted, I was yelling… They were upset about my grades and I kept coming up with excuses they didn't wanna hear."
"That's still—" he stammers, "I mean, that's not—"
"It's whatever," I say, cutting him off, "It happened. I'm fine."
I'm not really interested in listening to the spiel that's obviously coming about how parents should never hit their kids and how fucked up it is that my dad would do that. I know that. It's not like I don't fucking know. I'm 19 fucking years old—it's not like my dad overpowers me by that much. I could have stopped him if I didn't feel like what happened was fair. It just makes me feel worse that I fucked up enough to feel like I deserved it.
Naruto pauses. He looks deep in thought.
"I'm so sorry," he finally says, "Are you okay?"
"I'm really fine," I reassure him. "You were talking about Kiba's parents?"
He nods slowly. "They're so overprotective. They try to control everything he does. They also seem to hate me. I came to check on him once and his mom DID NOT want to let me into the house. She was so on edge, she barely left me alone to talk to him in the doorway."
I wrinkle my nose. "Yeah, I can kind of relate to parts of that. My parents never actively control me, but I feel like they wordlessly pressure me to be a certain way."
Naruto frowns. "I guess I don't get it. Maybe it's 'cause I have no parents, so I can't really relate…"
I just shrug. "It can be overwhelming."
"Kiba's family is super closed off," Naruto murmurs. "It makes me want to be even nosier. I just want to know why they're like that. Kiba literally never talks about the details, but I know it bugs him. I know something messed up is going on."
"He'll tell you when he wants to," I say.
Naruto tilts his head to the side in considering. "I'm not so sure. Kiba is SO secretive. I think even if he wanted to tell me, he wouldn't."
"Ah…" I murmur, not sure what else to say to that.
I don't really know how to coach Naruto on a situation like that. I'm pretty closed off too so I guess I can relate to not wanting someone poking around in my business, but that has very little to do with my family a lot more to do with my own personality. Still, we're all adults and I would assume that Kiba can handle whatever's going on without Naruto butting in—but then again, maybe not.
"What are your parents like?" Naruto asks, spring-boarding off of our previous conversation.
"Typical," I tell him, and I mean it, "My mom is nice. My dad is strict. My older brother is the perfect and preferred child."
"Aw," Naruto coos, "I'm sure he's not the preferred child."
"He literally is," I say matter-of-factly. I wish I could at least be bitter about it but I can't, Itachi is so far out of my league I can't even compare myself to him. "He's perfect. He's everything a parent could dream of. In our house, flaws aren't seen as something to be tolerated and me? I have many flaws."
"I dunno," Naruto admits. "You seem pretty perfect from where I'm standing. I mean, apart from the little slipup with your school work this year."
I give him a look of distaste. "Yeah, well, I've never been perfect. Itachi is, though, so I kind of get left in the dirt. I use to try and compete with him, but I don't feel like there's a point in trying anymore."
"Is he nice to you, at least?" Naruto asks.
"Yeah, he is," I say. "He's… really nice to me. I think he pities me sometimes, though. It's easy for him to be what my parents want, but it's hard for me."
"What did he say when your dad hit you?" he pries.
"Nothing," I admit. "He wasn't there for it and I didn't see him at all since it happened. I immediately locked myself in my room and cried about it until I fell asleep and today I left before they all got home from work. So, I haven't seen anyone since it happened."
"Aw…" Naruto sympathizes.
He looks so fucking sad for me. I kind of hate it.
I shouldn't even be telling him any of this, but it's all kind of flowing out. It's probably because he got some alcohol in me and it's been so long since I've talked to anyone about this shit.
"So is that like—how you deal with your stress?" Naruto pries. "Is that why you missed so much class this semester?"
"No," I snap. It feels like he thinks I'm a crybaby who just hides from his problems and the implication fucking annoys me. "Usually I just fucking push it down and get over it."
As soon as I say it, I realize the second claim doesn't sound much better than the first. I still seems like I have no fucking idea how to cope.
"There's no shame in it, man," he says. "I mean, I don't know what happened, but if it's bad then it's no wonder you missed some class. You should maybe talk to the school about it so they can accommodate your situation."
I let out a callous laugh. "If I can't even tell YOU, what makes you think I could tell the school?"
He shrugs. "Fair…"
"Karin knows," I murmur, "but I never told anyone else. The only reason I told her is because I felt like she backed me into a corner."
"She's good at that," Naruto says with a weary smile.
"I never know what to do," I whisper somewhat hopelessly.
Naruto puts a hand on my shoulder. "Well… if you ever want to talk about it, I'll listen."
"I don't," I insist.
"Okay, okay," he says, "but if you do…"
"Uh-huh," I mumble.
I can't imagine myself ever telling Naruto about that. Talking to Karin about it was hard but for some reason telling Naruto seems about a million times worse. I would seriously rather die.
It's horrible, but I feel like he would laugh at me. I don't know how I would deal with it if he told me to my face that I deserved it or that that kind of thing doesn't happen to men. There's nothing about Naruto to necessarily make me think that he would react that way apart from the stereotypes I have in my own head about jocky boys, but still I can't seem to break away from them. There's too many red flags.
That's why I'm scared to try and look up self-help stuff on the internet. I don't want to be told boys can't get raped. I don't want to be told that I probably got hard, which means I enjoyed it. I don't want to be told boys always want sex. I don't want to be told I had it coming for being drunk or a whore.
I guess I'm getting lost in my own head because Naruto snaps his fingers in front of my face and says, "Hey, you're zoning out. You sure you're okay?"
"Totally fine," I insist, forcing a smile.
"Well, yah don't sound it," he argues, but he doesn't press it.
I get another drink and it's around now that I start to get hazy. I can still function somewhat, but I feel like I'm overdoing it. I still can't stop, though. It's like I want to be trashed. I just want to forget things – things I once wanted so damn hard to remember.
I think the bartender senses this because when I try to order another he cuts me off, which is totally humiliating. Naruto looks confused, though.
"He's been in here since this afternoon," the bartender explains to Naruto as if I'm not even there, "He ordered four drinks before you even came in and doesn't need anymore."
At first I think Naruto's going to be annoyed, but instead he turns toward me and laughs.
"No wonder you're so talkative!" he jokes, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Okay, well I'll take you home then. I guess it wouldn't be right to make you walk."
His tone is condescending as hell but I don't really care because I'm so fucking glad that he's offering to give me a ride home. I never would have asked but I would have hated walking the whole way alone.
Naruto pays the bill and then helps me stand. I start wavering and as soon as I'm on my feet I realize how sloshed I am. Lovely.
Naruto keeps me supported and I let myself lean against him. He helps me into his car and then gets in the driver's seat. I try to buckle up, but I can't find the buckle. Naruto snorts and then does it for me. "Man, you are pretty drunk."
"No shit," I retort, crossing my arms and sinking into my seat.
The drive isn't too long. For that, I'm glad. I give Naruto directions and soon enough we're in front of my house.
"Nice place," Naruto comments.
I unbuckle the seatbelt and open the door, pretty much falling out of the car. I hear Naruto laughing at me. I tell him to shut the fuck up as I pick myself up off the pavement.
I stumble up my driveway and to the front door. Naruto waits until I open it and wave goodbye to even start his car again and drive off. It was nice of him to make sure I got in safely.
As I enter I can hear my parents talking in another part of the house, but as I close the door behind me they go silent.
Great.
"Sasuke? Is that you?" my mother calls.
"Yeah," I reply, trying my best to not sound wasted out of my mind.
I wander into the living room and spot them sitting on the sofa. I can't know for sure because I literally can't see straight but I think my dad looks pretty ticked off.
"You smell like a damn brewery!" he growls.
Shit. I really don't want to get smacked again. Drinking makes me emotionally volatile, so I'd definitely make the situation a hundred times worse.
I hold the wall of the doorway so I don't fall backwards. I squint, trying to keep my vision from wavering but it's hard.
"Are you drunk?" he demands.
"Yaaah," I admit in a long slur. "I'm, like, pretty fuckin' drunk."
My mom's jaw drops. She looks so scandalized, like the possibility of me being intoxicated is too much for her to possibly handle. Or maybe it's the foul language. I tend not to curse in front of my parents.
My dad is seething. "What the hell is wrong with you lately? Itachi never acted like this when he was your age!"
"Well, in case you forgot, I'm a completely different person than he is!" I shout accusingly.
"Of course you are—" my father replies, his arms crossed against his chest, "But that has no bearing on whether or not we hold you to the same standard."
"It should!" I insist. "I can't do the same things as him—I'm not him!"
My dad brings his hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. He looks like he's seriously about to have an aneurysm. He's not used to me talking back. Frankly, I'm not used to talking back either.
I feel like he's going to beat the shit out of me. I'd let him. Why the fuck not. It's not like I have anything to lose at this point anyway.
But my dad doesn't do that. He doesn't move. Instead, he simply says, "Get out. You're not welcome here."
The words sting.
"Where the hell do you want me to go?" I ask in disbelief.
"I guess you should have thought about that before mouthing off and coming home drunk," he says without remorse.
I feel like I'm going to choke. "Mom –" I try, but my dad holds up a hand.
"Out," he repeats himself.
My mom looks beyond upset, but she isn't about to argue with my dad – especially not when he's like this. He's scary when he's mad.
My chest tightens and begins to ache. What do I do now?
After a minute of me standing here, my dad decides to speed things along. He stands up and grabs a fistful of the back of my shirt, opening the front door and forcing me outside.
"Dad –" I try again, feeling somewhat desperate.
"Think about your behaviour lately," he says, releasing me and blocking the doorway. "When you're ready to act like a person instead of an animal, you can come home."
With that, he shuts the front door, slamming it as loud as he can. The frame rattles.
I sit on the front porch and get my phone out, dialling Naruto's number. Somewhat pathetically, I ask him to come and get me.
"Why?" he asks. "I just dropped you off. Did something happen?"
"My dad kicked me out," I mumble somewhat shamefully.
"Ah, shit…" he says. "Are you okay?"
"Fine…"
"All right. Be there in a few."
He hangs up after that and I know he'll probably start prying when we're face to face. Goodie.
While I wait I rest my head between my knees, trying to calm down. Inevitably tears start flowing, but I wipe them hastily on the leg of my pants. I can't be crying when Naruto gets here. I'll look like a total idiot.
I can hardly believe my own parents would do this to me. It's not like I even did anything that bad. It's legal for me to drink and I wasn't even rude. I just want them to stop comparing me to Itachi. I feel like that's fair considering we're completely different people with completely different abilities.
Eventually, Naruto pulls up in front of my house and I stand, swiping at my eyes and attempting to straighten my clothes before walking down the driveway and climbing into the passenger's seat.
It's dim in the car but I think he realizes that I'm upset. Nonetheless, he tactfully decides not to mention it. For now.
"So... what happened?" he asks.
I want to tell him to drop it, but I probably owe him an explanation. He came and picked me up, after all. I'd be a dick to leave him in the woods over it.
"They were mad I got drunk," I mumble simply, though the situation feels far less simple.
"Why?" he asks, not getting what is so bad about it.
"Because it isn't proper."
Naruto scoffs. "You're nineteen – of course you're not proper."
"Well, they want me to be," I point out.
"Stupid," he adds his two cents.
I grit my teeth. No fucking shit it's stupid.
I stare out the window and watch the scenery pass. It all looks like a blur of shit to me.
"My aunt and uncle are away," Naruto says. "It's just me and Karin home."
"Great," I murmur sarcastically. Of course Karin is there. Now I'm going to have to explain this whole mess to her too.
"We don't have a guest room or anything," Naruto continues, "But you can sleep in my room. Hell, you could probably sleep in Karin's room. I don't care. The couch is always an option too if you don't like either of those."
I shrug. Really I just want to be home sleeping in my own bed, but that's not going to happen since my dad is such a dick.
It's so fucking unfair. They should know me well enough by this point to know that I would never just fail because I was being lazy. They should know something is wrong. It should be obvious.
It doesn't take us too long to get to his place. For that, I'm kind of glad. I'm so ready to lie down, though I doubt I'll be getting a good sleep tonight.
Naruto parks and we head into a modest-sized townhouse. When we're inside, it feels homey. My house never felt this way. It makes me feel a bit bitter, like I missed out on something important growing up.
"C'mon," Naruto says, nodding for me. "Want the grand tour?"
"Maybe tomorrow," I say.
He smiles. "Deal." We head to his room and he adds, "Want pyjamas? We're probably around the same size."
I want to say no, but I also don't want to be wearing the same clothes I've been wearing for the past few days.
"Can I use your shower first…?" I ask somewhat meekly. I feel dirty. Maybe it's because I physically am. I feel like I should shower if I'm going to stay here for the night.
"Yeah, it's down the hall – last door on the left," Naruto instructs. "There are clean towels in the closet next to the bathroom," he continues as I turn to walk away, "I'll leave some clothes by the door for you."
I glance over my shoulder, giving him a nod of acknowledgment.
When I get to the bathroom I shut and lock the door quickly. Maybe it's excessive—Naruto probably wouldn't come barging in on me—but I really want to be left alone right now.
I turn the shower on and wait for the water heat up, stripping off my clothing and leaving it in a messy heap on the tile floor. I step in and pull the curtain shut, letting water run over my face and through my greasy hair.
It's so nice to not be using the communal dorm bathrooms anymore.
I hate the dorm bathrooms. I always felt like my privacy was somehow being invaded, even though no one was in there with me. It was just the idea of communal showers that I found off-putting.
I take my time in the shower, though I try to be quick. I just can't bring myself to be. I want to stay under the heat of the water.
When I finally bring myself to turn the taps off, I grab a towel and dry off before peeking outside and grabbing the clothes folded on the floor. I take them before shutting the door once more. Holding them up, I stare at the bright colors. I will probably look fucking ridiculous, but I honestly don't care anymore. It's not like I even have any dignity at this point, so why bother pretending?
I throw the clothes on, grabbing my shit off the floor and exiting the room.
As I leave, I realize I don't really know where Naruto's bedroom is. Luckily, the house isn't very big so if I wander around I'm sure to come across it.
I walk down the hallway and take a left. I'm pretty sure this is where Naruto disappeared to after pointing me in the direction of the bathroom.
There's a room with it's door slightly ajar, so as I walk past I peek briefly inside. I see Karin sitting up against her bed's headboard reading a book, and as I look in on her she glances up.
"Hey," she says sympathetically. She doesn't sound surprised to see me. I guess Naruto must have filled her in.
"Hi," I reply uncomfortably, pushing her door open a little wider, "Can I come in?"
"Of course," she says, setting her book down. "Want to stay in here tonight?"
"You don't mind?" I ask.
"Not at all," she promises. "You can toss your things wherever."
I set them down on her desk chair and inch inside. She gestures to her bed and I take a seat.
"So, what the hell happened?" she asks softly.
"I just –" My voice cracks and I cut myself off, clearing my throat and trying to sound calmer. "My dad kicked me out. I was giving him attitude, apparently. I didn't feel like I was, though. God, he was angry. I've never seen him so angry."
"He hit you…?" she ventures, eying my bruised face.
"Yeah," I murmur.
"Is that from tonight?" she pries.
"No, last night," I correct her, "For my shitty marks."
"Oh." She darkens, bringing her legs up onto the bed and tucking them underneath herself. "I was wondering how it was going to go when you got them back."
"Yeah," I mutter. "It went poorly."
We sit in silence for a moment. Karin looks as if she's trying to figure out what to say but is coming up empty.
"That sucks," she finally tells me. "I'm really sorry."
"It's fine," I reply, trying to sound nonchalant, "It's my own fault and I guess I was expecting it to some extent."
"It's not your fault," she reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. "What happened this semester wasn't your fault at all."
I want to focus on feeling bad about my grades right now, but I know she's referring to so much more.
"I don't want to think about that," I whisper harshly, pressing the tips of my fingers into my eyelids.
"Okay," she says and I feel like, even though she isn't saying it out loud, she's somehow telling me that I'm going to have to think about it if I want to get better. She's probably right. It's no use running away from these things, but thinking about it still makes me want to fucking die. "Sasuke… I know you'll probably say hell no to this, but maybe you should tell your parents."
"No," I say right away. I groan and sniffle a bit. I wonder if I still sound drunk to her. I can hardly tell anymore. "They'll be mad at me."
"They'll be mad? Mad you were…?" she trails off.
"Yes," I bite out, finally looking up at her. "You don't get it!"
She nods her head, not fighting me on it. I feel like other parents might get it, but not mine. My dad smacked me over my grades, after all. That doesn't exactly warrant any trust.
Karin stares at me, not saying anything else. I guess I'm not exactly inviting further conversation on the topic.
"They'll just like…" I continue quietly, "Say I shouldn't have been drunk. If I had been focusing on my studies like I was supposed to it wouldn't have happened."
"You don't have to tell them you were drunk," she suggests meekly.
"I do, though," I reply, "How else am I going to explain how someone drugged me? Or how no one noticed us leaving?"
Karin looks contemplative. "You could tell them like…you were knocked out, or something."
My eyebrows knit close together. That sounds awful. I don't want to weave more lies into this than I already have to literally everyone in my life except for her. I have no idea how I'm going to keep this up, but at the same time I know I have to. It's fucking exhausting.
"No…" I shake my head. "I don't want to start making up shit. That will probably just end up getting me in trouble."
"Fair…" she murmurs, relenting.
"I just…" I pause, trailing off for a minute. I let out a sigh and then continue with, "I just want to know why it happened… Why'd he pick me? Was I being targeted for a while or did he just randomly see me and decide to mess with me? It's fucking with my head and I know it's all pointless because I'll never fucking know." I let out a breath, leaning down into my palms and rubbing my closed eyes. I feel a lump rise in my throat. I really don't want to cry here, but it feels too hard to choke back. "I feel so disgusting."
My voice sounds high pitched, like I'm going to start bawling at any second. I hate it. I sound weak. I sound like a scolded child.
"Sasuke –" Karin starts, but I cut her off.
"Don't," I whisper.
I don't want to hear what she has to say. I don't want her to try and comfort me. I don't want her to be here. I just want to be alone so I can revel in misery for a while. I hate being seen this way. I'll never be okay with it.
"You're allowed to cry," she quietly says to me. "You were hurt, so… cry."
I glance up at her from my hunched position. It sounds like she's giving me permission. Maybe a part of me feels like I need it.
I try to focus on my breathing—on the air coming in and out. I need to calm down. I already cried once tonight and I don't want to do it again. This is such a mess and I hate myself for getting this low. If I could just toughen up and get the fuck over what happened things could finally go back to normal.
"Go away," I say threateningly. I don't want Karin to see me this way. I wish she would get the hint and leave me the fuck alone.
She continues to stare at me and doesn't seem as if she has any intention of going. Half of me thinks she wants to stay and see me cry just so she can be sure I actually did it.
"Stop watching!" I shout, practically sobbing out the words.
She tilts her head to the side, looking so fucking sympathetic. She doesn't say anything, though. It's like she's just waiting for me to break in half. It's already happening. I'm cracking.
I feel stupid.
God, I feel stupid.
I palm at my eyes with shaky, clammy hands. My shoulders are trembling because I'm so overwhelmed. I run my fingers through my hair and take in a deep breath. When I let out it, it sounds sharp and choked, like a cough but not quite. I feel my expression knot and contort. Tears come out like water bursting from a dam and I start crying. Hard.
Fuck.
I feel stupid. I'm sitting here blubbering like a child and I feel so fucking stupid, but I can't stop. Once I start, I never feel like I can stop.
She reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. I wish she wouldn't. I don't want her to touch me. I don't want her anywhere fucking near me.
I don't stop her though. She's just trying to be supportive and I shouldn't be mad, but this is the opposite of helping.
I pinch the skin on my wrist hard just to try something—anything—to get myself to stop crying. It doesn't work. I just keep choking out tears while Karin's silence fills the room.
"It's okay," she says comfortingly, but it's not. It's not fucking okay. Nothing about this whole mess is okay. I wish I had never told her. I shouldn't have come here tonight. I ought to have just called a taxi and gone to a hotel.
I hear the door creak open behind me and I just fucking know that Naruto is standing there. I freeze right on the spot. I get quiet. I suck in all the emotions as best as I can and try to calm the fuck down.
He probably heard me from down the hall. I wasn't exactly being quiet.
"Uh…" I hear him mumble out sheepishly. "Is he okay…?"
"Obviously not, Naruto!" Karin snaps back.
I swipe at my eyes and sit up straight. "Stop talking about me like I'm not even fucking here," I mutter. My voice sounds hoarse and gravelly.
Karin looks annoyed. I don't know if she's annoyed that Naruto came in or if she's annoyed I forced myself to stop crying.
Either way, it ends as quickly as it began.
"Get the fuck out of here," Karin answers my question, definitely annoyed at Naruto, "Don't just barge into people's rooms!"
"Sorry," he bumbles, "It's just—I heard—"
"We were having a private conversation," she says, pushing herself up off the bed and walking over towards him. "I would think that would be obvious."
She grabs Naruto by the sleeve and shoves him forcefully out the door, closing it quickly behind him.
"I'm sorry he interrupted," she apologizes, returning to my side a moment later.
"That's fine," I mumble dejectedly, "He probably deserves to know considering he drove me all around tonight and catered to my bullshit."
Karin shrugs. "You don't have to tell him."
"I'm not going to," I reassure myself, "But I should say thanks."
"You don't have to do that now," she says. "Naruto is kind of dense, but he'll understand if you don't want to talk to him right now."
Honestly, I'm not so sure about that. I can tell he wants me to talk to him.
"I just want to get it over with," I admit.
"Fair," Karin responds with a weary smile.
I force myself to stand and I wander out of the room. I move down the hallway until I see a door cracked open. Heading towards it, I peek inside, spotting Naruto on his bed. The room is dim. There is a lamp on his nightstand, lighting up the room with a dull glow
"Hey," I greet, opening the door to his room a little wider
"Oh, hey…" he responds cautiously. "Sorry."
"I only cried because I'm drunk," I insist, leaning in his doorway and crossing my arms.
He smiles, looking like he's feeling sorry for me. "If you say so, Sasuke."
I take a few steps inside, nearing his bed. He pats the mattress, wordlessly telling me to sit down. So, I do.
"Yah look cute in my clothes," he says somewhat offhandedly.
I force out a short laugh, staring down at my current attire. "Right… thanks."
"Are you like…okay?" he asks, sitting up a little straighter and trying to look attentive.
"Not really," I admit. "I'm just upset about my grades. I'm upset that my parents are making such a big deal about it without asking me why it happened that way. They should know by now that I'm not the type of person who would do poorly just because they were feeling lazy."
Naruto nods knowingly. Part of me wants to tell him the truth. I feel like he's trustworthy and wouldn't be a jerk about it. Still, I can't bring myself to say the words.
"God," I continue, putting a hand to my forehead, "I can't believe my dad kicked me out."
"That's pretty fucked," he agrees.
"Thanks again for coming back to get me," I say sheepishly.
"Of course, I would never just ignore a friend asking for help."
Wow. Friends. That's not something I thought Naruto and I would be in a million years.
It doesn't sound bad, though. I could probably use more friends like him and Karin. Jugo and Suigetsu are good people, but they are hard to talk to. Suigetsu has a hard time taking anything seriously and Jugo is distant as hell. I guess I am, too, though.
It's hard. It's hard to change. It's hard to talk about things. It's hard not to try and shrug things off.
"Thanks," I murmur again, not sure what else to say. I'm not sentimental, so things like this make me seem awkward.
He nods his head and then says, "I'm glad you told me some stuff. I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. I'm not going to judge you."
"I just… I hate seeing people with piteous looks on their face when I talk about this shit," I admit.
"It's not pity," he insists. "It's compassion, Sasuke."
I guess that sounds nice, but I don't know if it's true. Half the time I overhear people talking about serious shit it just seems like everyone around them just wants to say whatever they can to make them shut up faster.
Then again, maybe when I'm talking about serious shit I just want to shut myself up.
"Well, thanks," I finally say. "If I'm ever feeling up for it…we can talk more."
I don't think that will ever happen, but Naruto seems satisfied.
He doesn't press me further. Instead he just says, "You can stay with us as long as you want to. My aunt and uncle won't mind."
I give him a nod of thanks and stand up from the bed. "I should go to sleep," I tell him, even though I'm mostly just avoiding the conversation.
Naruto says goodnight and watches me as I leave the room and head back to Karin's. This night was a mess, but I guess I'm glad I called him after all.
