A/N: Enjoy! I like this chapter. Thank you so much for your reviews, they inspire me to write more than you'd think = D


Chapter 12: Only thing to fear is fear itself

The Avengers had been to Tony's Malibu house before, but obviously, Loki hadn't, and he regarded the enormous mansion as quite the novelty.

Once he'd finished exploring, however, they got Chinese food and sat around recounting epic moments of the battle. Tony hadn't actually done much, so he sat tight and listened, much like Loki who ate his food in silence as he observed them.

"And then Steve's shield came out of nowhere and bent the bot's midriff and it must've broken something important, because the whole thing just shut down-" Clint said excitedly. "Seriously, Cap, that was the coolest thing ever. Did you see it, Loki?"

"Yes, Clint, I did see," Loki said patiently with a little smile. "Natasha, those wrist cuffs of yours are both interesting and effective."

Loki was referring, of course, to the cuffs Natasha wore that could be used to electrocute an opponent.

"I designed them," Tony said proudly.

"The principle is sound, but I have to ask; how did you design them so Natasha was not affected?" Loki asked with great interest.

"With much genius," Tony said brightly. "C'mere. I'll show you."

And with that, they both finished their food and moved out of people's way so Tony could get some planning paper and sketch the whole thing out for Loki.

"Have you eaten enough?" Tony said after explaining it.

Loki looked up from the drawing. "Yes. Don't you worry, Tony, I'm nowhere near as emaciated as I was upon my arrival."

Tony winced at Loki's choice of words. "Well, good. It's amazing what three square meals a day can do for you. Anything else you were wondering about?"

"Yes. How do your..." Loki gestured vaguely at the palms of his hands. "Propulsion devices work?"

"Repulsors. Actually, they're dead simple," Tony said cheerily, grabbing a new piece of paper and beginning to draw.

Loki, as it turned out, had lots of questions about things he'd seen in Tony's lab while Tony had been sorting through JARVIS's code. He was both a good listener and an intelligent one, so it was genuine pleasure for Tony to teach Loki about some of the smaller things. Despite how much he trusted Loki, even only having known him for just over a week, he wasn't about to go so far as letting him in on the big things like the arc reactor.

After Loki had gone to bed - he slept a lot, or at least he spent a lot of time trying to sleep - Tony settled down and had a beer with Steve and Bruce. They'd been feeling a bit unloved recently, or at least, Tony felt like they'd been feeling a bit unloved.
They could both offer some interesting thoughts about Mystery Hacker and about Justine Hammer, and once Clint joined in, some disturbing observations about Doctor Doom.

And no, Clint, building a robot army was not overcompensating for something.

-O.O-

Despite the questionable weather in New York, it was always sunny in California. Well, no, not really, but it was definitely a beautiful day the next day.

Clint announced it a rest day from their usual daily exercise and spent the time directly after breakfast swimming in Tony's pool. Steve was convinced to join him, followed by Bruce, and then eventually Natasha gave up and dragged Tony and Loki out of the lab to the pool with her for team bonding.

Knowing full well that Loki wouldn't want to swim, Tony decided to stay out too, continuing their somewhat intense discussion of potential improvements to Loki's knives. Knives were the lowest of low tech, but the same had been said of Clint's bow, and Tony was determined to make Loki's favourite toys as flash as possible. Certainly the ability to at least retrieve the things after throwing them would be useful.

Tony's plan was currently to get Loki and Bruce talking (Loki seemed to be cautious of Bruce, likely because all he knew about him was he shared his brain and body with the Other Guy) so he could officially induct Loki as another science bro. Loki certainly knew what he was doing, and unlike many people Tony had worked with, actually knew when to stop and listen to alternate ideas.

It was actually the longest Tony had seen Loki in direct sunlight, and he was insanely pale. It was almost otherworldly.

But, much like the occasion of Loki and Tony sparring, Clint just felt this bizarre need to soil the moment irretrievably.

"Hey, lovebirds!" Clint called.

Loki's head immediately snapped around to glare at him. "Barton, I am busy. Please cease splashing so loudly and leave me be."

Cue the moment in which Tony realised that listening to everyone splash and frolic in the water had to be making him uncomfortable.

"Hey, calm down, princess," Clint smiled. "I was just going to ask you guys why you weren't swimming."

"I do not want to," Loki said stiffly.

"And I'm talking to Pixie," Tony finished.

"Lighten up," Clint said cheerfully. "I bet you'll love it when you're in."

While Clint couldn't really be blamed for harmlessly splashing a wave of water at both Tony and Loki, Tony was freaking out. He'd been having such a good discussion with Loki, and now this.

Loki flinched violently backwards and avoided the spray of water. Then he climbed to his feet, his face blanker and less emotive than a slab of marble, and politely said "I believe the sun is getting to me. I think I should go inside," before slinking inside, his posture cold and rigid.

Tony heard a yelp of pain and the slap of skin on skin, which was presumably Natasha smacking Clint for being a dumbass.

"Gotta go. Don't wait up," Tony said, scrambling to his feet and following Loki inside.

"Clint," Natasha said irritably. "He said he didn't want to swim."

"Getting water on your new pants isn't a reason to sulk, though," Clint countered.

Natasha grabbed him by the hair and dragged him closer. "I have very good reason to believe your 'princess' has been tortured with water, Clint, so if you annoy my Kisa again, you'll be sleeping on the couch for the next year."

Clint gulped, realising that he'd just done something horrible. "Shit. I'm sorry. I'll apologise later."

"Good," Natasha said. "Now, I know Steve and Bruce wouldn't do that, so I don't have to reprimand them."

This was said without looking at either male, who looked at each other worriedly.

-O.O-

Tony tore through the house at an extremely brisk walk. Where would Loki go?

His bed. Bed seemed to be his favourite place, and Tony could relate; no matter where you were, beds were usually warm and comfortable and safe and you could pretty much always find someone to share them with you, which, from stories, was a pasttime of Loki's.

After knocking lightly on Loki's door and receiving no reply, Tony slowly pushed the door open to see Loki sitting on the bed, head in hands.
"Loki?" Tony said gently.

He didn't receive a reply, so he went and sat next to Loki on the bed.

From what he could hear, Loki's breaths were catching in his throat as he tried to stay calm.

Well, Pixie Stick, you're sitting next to a fucking pro at struggling through panic attacks, Tony thought. And have I got tips for you.

Very tentatively, in case Loki shoved him away, Tony pried Loki's hands off his face.

"You're doing it wrong, kid," Tony said quietly. "Don't fight the heavy breathing. Deep breaths. Getting it caught in your throat makes you feel worse. C'mon, copy me."

With that, he tangled his fingers with Loki's and breathed out very audibly. "In. Out. Big breaths. You're fine, you can stay in here as long as you like. You don't have to go back out there."

Tony let go of one of Loki's hands to reach around and gently rub his back, helping the stunted breaths get out. Unconsciously, Loki leaned into the touch, so Tony pulled the bony merc against his chest and wrapped his arms around him. "You're okay. You're here with me, back in America. No Middle-Eastern shithole. No water. It's dry as the Sahara in here."

Well, not really, but close enough.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Tony constantly reassuring Loki and giving him quiet little tips for breathing exercises. It really was the key to this kind of thing.

"I'm trying to beat the fear," Loki croaked out after what seemed like forever of Tony waiting for a reaction.

"You're doing just fine," Tony said. "It's a defensive mechanism, this kind of thing. Your brain wants to stop it from happening again. It's just shitty luck you got something as common as water as a trigger."

"Not luck," Loki mumbled, almost inaudibly. "They did it on purpose."

Tony didn't say anything to that, just rubbed his hand on Loki's far side - intentionally avoiding the scar - to let Loki know he could talk and Tony would listen.

"It's - I was never given a drink of water. Not once," Loki said roughly. "Not a bucket of spring water, not a stagnant puddle. Just - pain. Anything with water was bad. Drowned again and again, and I was so fucking thirsty-"

His voice cracked on the last word, almost becoming a sob.

Tony's brain was being wrenched right back to Afghanistan, when they convinced him to do their dirty work -

Head shoved underwater for what just had to be the millionth time, because this pain had been going on forever, it was all he could remember or think of - water had to fill his lungs this time, he was finally going to die, and that was fantastic, his chest hurt so much-

And the first time he'd taken a shower when he'd been rescued, he'd had harsh flashbacks, thinking he was back in that stinking cave, and Rhodey had actually dragged him out of the stall, crying out and trying to fight his best friend off. He'd gotten over it pretty quick - well, he'd had to. But it was still there. He hated having his head fully underwater for too long.

"It's okay, babe, I get it," Tony murmured, pulling Loki impossibly closer, trying to reassure him with body language because Tony was no wordsmith.

Loki's breathing was beginning to become shallower all over again, and Tony just kept trying to guide him through the anxiety and terror.

"Hey, c'mere. Let's wrap you in bed. Bed's the best thing, right?" Tony urged gently.

Loki didn't even stir.

Tony remembered something that Clint had once told him when messing with Steve; often, in panic situations, trained soldiers/agents had a tendency to reply to firm commands.

"Agent Feison," Tony said assertively. "Lie down in bed."

It took a short while for Loki to respond, and when he did, it was like he was moving through molasses, but he did it. Tony helped him between the sheets then lay down facing him, arms around his skinny torso, holding him close. Physical affection sometimes helped with this kind of panic and it seemed Loki was one of those people.

"I'm not gonna lie and tell you everything's going to be okay," Tony said. "But you'll get through it. I've been through the same thing, though not as bad, and I can stand it now."

"I - I know the fear is irrational," Loki said weakly. "I am a competent swimmer and have never been hurt by water before ... that ... but - well -"

"Your fear isn't irrational," Tony said. "It's completely rational after everything you've been through. Don't let anyone tell you anything else."

All in all, Loki's panic was definitely starting to fade with the bed setting and Tony's contact, and the exhaustion that seemed to permanently weigh him down was setting in instead.

"You want to talk about it?" Tony said. "Do it, if you can. And if you don't, well, that's awesome too."

For the next ten minutes, Loki just watched Tony tiredly, eyes pondering him, not saying a word until his eyelids drooped and he fell into a shallow, uneasy sleep.