Going Under

Chapter 12

The next time Steve came to he was vaguely aware of someone messing with his arm. Someone was pulling at it and irritating him. Next he felt a scratch and groaned subconsciously. His arm was hurting where he felt the scratch and he tried to move his arm away from his tormentor but he felt it being restrained and he heard voices speaking and thought he vaguely heard someone saying his name. The pain in his head was more or less gone but in its place his head and eyes felt sore to the touch. His head still felt muzzy and heavy and as he felt something sharp being stuck in his arm he forced his eyes open to look and see who was hurting him. Opening his heavy eyelids, he noticed that the room was still dark and turned his head to see a red-haired nurse holding his arm still while Dr. Armstrong was attaching something to it. Whatever he was doing was causing his arm to throb and ache so he moaned again louder than he had intended to.

"Ouch."

"Sorry Steve. We're almost done. I'm just attaching a saline I.V to your arm. You haven't taken any fluids in the last twelve hours so I just don't want you to get dehydrated. Sorry for waking you. How are you feeling?"

"Yeah, I feel a lot better than before, thanks " Steve answered and the Doctor was pleased to see that he was responding better than the last time he had been awake.

"How is the pain now Steve?"

"It's more or less gone. But my head and eyes feel very sore and my head feels heavy and fuzzy."

The Doctor finished attaching the I.V and then came around and sat on the bed beside him and proceeded to take his pulse. Finding it slow and steady he then retrieved his torch from his pocket and spoke again to Steve.

"After an acute migraine like that, your head is bound to be a little fuzzy and sore for a while. That's just your brain protesting what it just went through. Let's check how your eyes cope with light now? I'm going to shine the torch in your eye but if it hurts I'll shut it off real quick. Ok?"

Steve nodded and allowed the Doctor to open one eyelid and shine his torch into it. He flinched a little but thankfully it didn't hurt at all. The Doctor checked both eyes and then put the pocket light away again. Then smiling he addressed Steve once more.

"Well, that's a very good sign Steve. I think you're coming out of the worst of it. How's the queasiness?"

"Yeah it's better too although I don't feel very hungry."

"Ok. Again loss of appetite is common after a migraine of that severity but the I.V will keep you hydrated for the next few hours anyway. Hopefully by then you'll feel up to eating a little. Oh and dizziness can be a concern too so on NO account are you to move from that bed unless you have someone with you for the time being. Alright?"

"Ok, thanks Doc."

Then lifting his head to look around he instantly regretted it as his sore head protested and again a troublesome groan escaped his lips. Easing him back down against the pillows the Doctor added firmly.

"And no sudden movements either! Slow and easy is the way to go for the time being."

Steve took a deep breath and waited a few seconds for his brain to recover and then replied.

"Now, you tell me!"

The Doctor chuckled.

"You rest up now. It's only four am. Take it easy and I'll pop back to see you in the morning. Do you need any painkillers?"

"No, not at the minute. Thanks. Did Mike go home?"

"Yes, The nurse said he went home around one o'clock. But knowing Mike he'll be back at the crack of dawn. You fairly well scared the life out of him yesterday. He's been like a bear with a sore head ever since if you'll excuse the unfortunate comparison."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's just say the last time he parted with me and Lenny we weren't his most favourite people in the whole world."

With that his pager went off and looking at the number he headed towards the door

"Oh,oh. An E.R emergency! No rest for the wicked eh? Take it easy now. I'll see you later"

"Ok. I will. Thanks."

And with that the Doctor left leaving Steve wondering what Mike had been so steamed about and what he had argued with Lenny and the Doc about but his foggy brain wasn't up to too much thinking so he decided to wait and ask Mike later instead.

Meanwhile back at DeHaro Street :

Mike was having a restless night. He had stayed with Steve until one and he had been grateful that Steve had slept peacefully. Deciding that he had better head home and get some rest himself he had driven home but even though he had gone to bed almost immediately he couldn't manage to sleep. He kept thinking about his conversation with Lenny and the Doctor and self-doubt was starting to chew on him. Maybe they were right. While Steve had opened up and talked to him a little it was still like pulling teeth trying to extract information from Steve about his past and his painful memories. Maybe he would need Lenny's help after all. He had been quite hard on them both and thinking back on it he had come across perhaps a little overbearing in his conviction that he knew best where Steve was concerned. Perhaps even a little sanctimonious! He smiled at how that word had just popped into his head! It was a word his wife Helen had often used and he hadn't heard it in a long while! Giving up on trying to sleep Mike had gone downstairs and made himself a cup of cocoa and sat in the darkened living room. For some strange reason he kept thinking of the box that had fallen out of Steve's closet. The photos and the trinkets. Perhaps they held some key to what was chewing on Steve! But no! Mike dismissed the idea. That would mean prying in Steve's private things and he wouldn't feel happy doing that but again Lenny's words kept reverberating around his brain ..."for his own good." He fell asleep on the couch at around four am but his dreams weren't peaceful ones. They were filled with images of Steve, fighting for breath as he surfaced in the Bay, the sight of him, soaked through, exhausted and shaking as he was lying on the docks, the panic attack he had at the hospital, the upset that was clearly visible in his eyes when he talked about his Grandfather, the pain on his face as his migraine took hold and the panicked way he had grabbed Mike's hand as he struggled to remember what was happening . All the images flew through his head and then combined and repeated until at six am Mike had bolted awake in a cold sweat, shaking from his nightmare. Pulling himself back together he slowly made his way to the bathroom and bending over the sink he splashed cold water on his face to clear his head and looking up at his reflection in the mirror, with Steve still foremost in his thoughts he knew what he had to do.

Getting showered and dressed he was in the middle of shaving when his phone rang just before seven am. Feeling slightly irritable and unnerved from his restless dreams and unhappy with what he felt he had to do he answered the phone somewhat grumpily.

"Stone!"

It was Captain Rudy Olsen on the other end.

"Oh hi Captain! Yeah he's still in. I was with him last night. He wasn't great when he woke last. I'm going to head down there this morning before I head to the Office. Oh you heard about that did you? Yes, it was pretty amazing alright the way he got the little girl to talk. Who told you about it? Lenny huh? Yes, I sent him home! Steve will be fine Captain. He just needs to get over this and get back to work and he'll be fine. There's no need for that. Rudy! He doesn't need to have to go through that. I'm telling you! Please! Oh you've made your decision huh? Well I guess I had better warn him then! He's not going to be happy Rudy! Well you're the Boss! But I want to put it on record that I don't agree with your decision. I think you're wrong and it better not cause him anymore upset or so help me Rudy I'll ... You did what? What time is he going to see him at? Nine? I better get going then. I want to be there! And you better hope it goes well !"

Then hanging up he felt anger and worry grip at his heart! Looking at his watch he saw that it was seven fifteen. He didn't have a lot of time to do what he had to do now as he had to make sure he got to the hospital for around eight thirty so he could warn Steve of the Captain's latest instructions! So quickly finishing his shave he grabbed his coat and hat and headed quickly down to the car.

It was just gone seven-thirty five when Mike pulled up in Union Street. Hesitating momentarily he looked up at Steve's apartment and prayed that he was doing the right thing. Locking the car, he climbed the steps and let himself in. He had a quick look around to make sure everything was as he had left it the day before then making his way into Steve's bedroom he first decided to get another clean shirt for the young man as he had been in his other one all night. With the shirt chosen he then opened up the closet and carefully removed the box from the top shelf. Sitting down on the bed with the box in his hands Mike felt torn in half. He had to find some clue as to what was causing Steve's upset and his gut instinct told him that the answer was in this box! Knowing that his gut was very rarely wrong he also knew that by opening the box he would be violating Steve's trust and that the young man might never forgive him for prying through such private things. So he sat for several minutes debating his next move as precious minutes ticked by!

Back at the hospital Steve was feeling much better. The rest of the night had passed fairly peacefully and while he hadn't slept since his rude awakening at four am he was somehow grateful for the peace and quiet that the early morning hours had allowed him. He finally had time to think. To sort out the cluttered and mixed up memories that were filling his heavy and overloaded brain. To think about each one and lock them back away in the far reaches of his mind which usually worked so well for him. But this time it was proving more difficult than normal. Some of them were refusing to be ignored and Steve reckoned that it would take longer for him to be able to lock them away this time. One memory in particular was proving to be stubborn. Try as he did it wouldn't let him rest. It was as if opening that gold gift bag had dragged that particular memory back to the forefront of his mind and as he had never fully dealt with it at the time it was permanently there now but Steve didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to think of it. It was too painful. Too raw! Even now almost fifteen years later almost to the date, the memory of that day almost choked him and so with every last bit of resolve he had he forced himself not to think of it and lay against the pillows as upset tore at his heart. Maybe he could tell Mike! It wouldn't be easy but it might clear it from his head. So suddenly he found himself anxiously and eagerly waiting for Mike to arrive. He had to come soon. It was almost seven-thirty. In fact he was surprised that he wasn't here already. Where are you Mike? Where are you?

Steve had to wait another fifty minutes before Mike finally arrived. Steve had begun to get restless. His head ached and with the I.V. line in his arm he was restricted in his movements. He was feeling nauseous again as the medicine he got last night began to wear off and he was getting nervous about telling Mike what was upsetting him. When Mike came through the door Steve was happy to see him. Sitting up higher in the bed very gingerly he greeted his partner with a smile. Seeing the room bright again and Steve smiling and alert did Mike good but then he remembered what he had to warn him about and his return smile faded.

"Well buddy boy! You look a lot healthier than the last time I saw you, that's for sure. How are you feeling?"

"Yeah, I'm doing better Mike. Just my head is a little sore still but the Doc said that's normal."

Mike came and sat down on the bed beside him and the first thing he noticed was the I.V.

"When did they hook you up to that and why?"

"Four o'clock this morning! The Doc said he didn't want me getting dehydrated. It's not so bad. But it was sore getting it put in! I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion and you know how I hate needles!"

Mike winced sympathetically as he examined Steve's arm.

"You're starting to look like a pin cushion too!" Mike said as he noticed the needle marks and the bruises from the injection sites. "Your eyes look a little red. Are they still sore too?"

"Yeah but at least the light doesn't bother them anymore. Speaking of eyes, you look pretty rough yourself! Didn't you sleep last night?"

"No. Not much buddy boy."

Their conversation seemed to dry up for a minute and Mike seemed very distracted. He was looking at his watch and frowning. However Steve feared that if he didn't tell Mike soon he would lose his nerve so he started off.

"Listen Mike ... there's something I wanted to tell you..."

Before he had a chance to continue Mike hastily interrupted.

"Sorry for interrupting Steve, but there's something important I have to tell you too and it can't wait any longer!"

Steve was somewhat disappointed that Mike had stopped him just when he had gotten up the nerve to speak but he also knew by Mike's demeanor that it was obviously something serious so he filed away his story for another time and concentrated on Mike instead.

"Well that sounds ominous. What's going on? " Then suddenly having a scary thought he started to panic slightly "Mike it's not Ruby or her mother is it?"

Then when Mike didn't answer immediately and still looked so serious he panicked further " Mike, it's not Jeannie is it?

"No, no. Nothing like that. It's ... about you!"

"Me? What? Don't tell me. The Police dive team are suing me for doing their job, huh?" Steve joked trying to lighten the tension that had suddenly seemed to fill the room but Mike didn't even laugh but remained deadly serious hating what he had to tell Steve.

"Mike? What gives? Why so serious? Mike? ... You're worrying me ... Just tell me will you please?"

"Sorry buddy boy. Ok. I had a call from Olsen this morning. He's sending Lenny over to see you at nine. He wants him to do ... an ... evaluation on you!"

"An evaluation? What are you talking about Mike? What kind of evaluation?"

And then as if a brief moment of clarity made its way through his fogged up brain he answered his own question before Mike had a chance to.

"Wait a minute. You mean like a ... psychological evaluation? Why?"

Mike looked at Steve briefly and then looked away again.

"Well buddy boy, the Doctor thinks you're suffering from post traumatic stress from the Bay rescue and from helping young Ruby yesterday. He thinks that's what caused your migraine and as a result the Captain wants Lenny to evaluate you before he'll let you back to work."

Steve looked very thoughtful for a few moments. He felt uneasy at this latest news. Having to talk to Lenny about himself rather than the suspects they were after always made him uncomfortable and right now the anxiety wasn't helping his upset stomach or the ache in his head. Seeing Mike so serious over the whole thing Steve still tried to make light of the whole situation. Rubbing his chin nervously with the hand not connected to the drip he spoke again as positively as he could manage.

"Well, Mike. How hard can that be you know? I've filled out his psychological questionnaires before, after shootings and difficult arrests, crime scenes and that sort of thing. It will probably be fairly routine."

Steve wasn't quite sure who he was trying to convince, Mike or himself. But instead of agreeing with the young man in the bed Mike grew more uneasy and squirmed where he sat. Worrying about how Steve would take the following news Mike mustered up the courage and continued.

"Steve, it's a little more complicated than that. Lenny knows about your Grandfather ... and your parents and what happened in Ruby's room yesterday and he thinks that it's linked in to your current trauma somehow."

Steve's face fell when he heard what Mike had said and he got a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. Stammering again he asked.

"How? How could he know about that? That's not in my file! And how could he know what happened in the room yesterday?" Steve asked incredulously trying to work things out through the fog in his brain and then as another moment of clarity broke through the fog momentarily he gasped. "Unless ... somebody told him." And then seeing the discomfort and uneasiness on Mike's face and that he was avoiding looking at him he continued somewhat nervously hoping against hope that his new-found theory was wrong. "Mike? Mike ... you didn't. Please tell me you didn't tell Lenny. Mike?"

Mike glanced at Steve and saw the shock and the hurt in his eyes and felt ashamed for betraying his partner's trust but knowing he had to warn Steve of what Lenny might ask he confessed shakily.

"Steve! I'm ... sorry. The Doctor told me it was for your own good that I fill Lenny in on what happened with Ruby and I went along. But I wasn't happy doing it and I told them in the end to back off and leave you alone but they went behind my back to the Captain. I'm sorry Steve I never thought for one minute that he'd request an evaluation! ..."

Steve felt like he'd been hit by a brick! Sinking back into the pillows he covered his face again with his free hand and felt his emotions unravelling for the umpteenth time in the last two days! Steve suddenly realized what Mike had fought with the Doctor and Lenny over but the part he couldn't get his sore and aching head around was the fact that Mike had betrayed him by telling Lenny things that were as far as Steve was concerned anyway, strictly private and uncalled for. This was Mike for God sake! The one man he trusted with his life. The one man he was just about to tell his deepest most painful secret to! His head started to throb and the nausea niggled at him. Finally feeling able to respond further he looked straight at Mike and spoke emotionally.

"Why Mike? Why would you tell him all that? That was private Mike! And none of his damn business!" and then knowing what Lenny was like when armed with background information of any sort he covered his face again and spoke dejectedly." Dear God, Lenny's going to have a field day with this! I can just hear him now ... traumatic childhood ... feelings of abandonment. Oh man! Mike! What have you done?"

Seeing Steve distressed tore at Mike's heart. He knew he had let the boy down and he hated himself for it. Not sure how the boy would fully react, not having been in this type of scenario before with his partner he decided a full confession might be in order.

"I know you're upset with me Steve and I don't blame you. You're right. I shouldn't have told him but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing but there's ... something else I have to tell you."

Steve was still reeling from Mike's first revelation and wasn't sure he was physically up to a second one but Mike had that determined look on his face so he continued. Reaching into his trench coat pocket he took out the small rectangular box from Steve's closet and put it on the bed beside Steve. The fog in Steve's brain had settled again heavily and he stared at Mike unsure of what he was trying to say or do next.

"Mike? Why did you bring that here? Is that ... Is that the box from my closet?"

Mike felt himself getting emotional too. Hurting Steve was the last thing he would ever purposefully do but swallowing hard he continued.

"Yes ... yes it is. My gut told me that whatever was chewing on you, whatever upset you so much yesterday was linked to something in that box. Now my gut instinct as you know and as you've witnessed many times is fairly accurate so I went to your place this morning. I thought ... if I could figure out what you were so stressed about and I could help you deal with it then maybe they wouldn't have to go ahead with the evaluation as planned."

Steve looked horrified! He could feel tears threatening to appear as this whole sorry tale unfolded. But trying to get a grip on everything that was being told to him he tried to speak slowly and bravely.

"Mike? Wait a minute! Now my brain is real fuzzy and a little slow at the minute so I want to make sure that I've got this straight! So are you trying to tell me ... that in order to supposedly help me ... you told Lenny everything you knew about my childhood and that you went to my place this morning to search through my private things for clues as to what was stressing me out?"

Mike nodded sadly and ashamedly. Put like that it did sound very damning! Seeing Steve getting upset he tried to explain further. " But Steve, listen ..."

But Steve had heard enough. "MIKE ! Why didn't you just ask me instead of going behind my back?" and feeling as if his world had just crashed down around him he uttered quietly, calmly but emotionally. " I want you to leave now Mike please?"

Those words struck Mike like a knife but feeling that Steve had every right to be angry and not wanting to cause any further upset to the already sick and upset young man he stood up quietly and spoke softly.

"Alright Steve! I know what I intended to do was wrong but I didn't go through with it! I couldn't ! I sat with that box on my lap and I couldn't open it! I knew it would break our bond of trust and as partners I knew that could be fatal so I brought it here instead, unopened, hoping that you'd talk to me about it instead. But you're right. I was wrong. I'm going down to the coffee shop. If you change your mind and want someone here with you when Lenny gets here just get the nurse to send for me and if you don't then I understand that too." As his voice started to break Mike added "I hope you know that I would never intentionally hurt you Steve ... I'm so sorry buddy boy, so sorry!"

Steve's head was starting to throb again. He desperately wanted to believe Mike but he was angry and hurt and the muzziness of his head wouldn't let him make sense of anything so feeling upset and unready to forgive yet he turned his head back into his pillow away from Mike and as a solitary tear fell from his eye he answered strongly.

"Mike ! Just get out! Just leave me alone. Please!"

Mike could feel tears form in his own eyes and a lump formed in his own throat at Steve's words and the knowledge that he had upset and betrayed the trust of the young man that he viewed as a son. But not wanting to cause a scene and knowing that Steve needed time to get himself together before Lenny arrived he turned and headed for the door quietly. As he put his hand on the door handle he spoke just once more.

"I'm sorry I upset you Steve ... You know where I'll be!" and with that the older man exited the room crestfallen.

Steve felt as if his heart would break. He was so confused. He needed to be able to think clearly to sort out things in his head and so he cursed the incessant throbbing and the fogginess that was not allowing him the peace to do just that. Glancing at the clock he saw that it was eight forty am. He had just twenty minutes to pull himself together before he would have to deal with Lenny's probing questions. Right at this minute he didn't feel he could as he thought of Mike and as he lay there and tried to figure out what he was going to do, another tear or two soaked into his pillow.