No one in the room beside Bella and I knew the significance of that utterance. To anyone else it would seem a commonplace statement. But to me it was like being blessed, being told that I was not damned, told I could ascend to heaven some day with the angel sitting beside me. Redemption through love.
I caught her face between my hands and stared for a long moment at the perfect lips that had uttered that celebrated statement before capturing them in a kiss. Three words had suddenly changed so much about me. I was loved and not by my father or mother, not by my brother or sister, by a girl who knew what I was, a human who saw me, who looked at me and was not fooled by the lies we created to mask our existence. When she gazed at me she created this tingling warmth inside me that I thought was purely impossible. There was nothing on earth that compared to the moment after she spoke.
That revelation hit me forcefully, more so even than when I realized that I loved her. That was a personal realization, one I had to come to terms with. My own feelings were mine, and even though I had denied them, I had them inside me the entire time and only had to finally acknowledge them. They had existed for a time, simply unrecognized. But this was so much more than I could ever have asked for. Did I pray for it with my very existence, beg whatever god there might be to bless me with such splendor? I surely did. Only then I realized that I had been asking God for the wrong thing entirely. There was no way I could ever have anticipated the joy that inundated me completely, took me over in a tidal wave of emotion. I could not have prayed for that if I tried. It was like being able to fly. I felt like anything at all was possible.
It was the sudden silence—both of their minds and voices—that startled me into remembering we were not alone. I looked over to my family scattered about the room and they were watching me, completely shocked. At first it was just the ferocity of my reaction to her words that bemused them, but then it was a marvel at my control. I had just kissed her and managed not only to keep in control, but not break her. I could touch her without injuring her, hold her close, bring my lips to her skin and not bite into it. I could feel the steady beat of her heart, feel the pulse of her sweet blood under my lips when I pressed them to her skin, and yet I controlled myself. My desire for contact, for closeness, for kisses, outweighed my desire for her ambrosial blood.
It was Jasper's expression that caught me the most, a look of completely unguarded joy. It was only a reflection of my own happiness, but seeing it in him, watching the way he mirrored that feeling was almost as wonderful as feeling it. Was that how I looked at the moment? So happy it was almost impossible to look at without smiling back? I glanced around and noticed that even Rose had a slight smile on. Even she, who disliked Bella, who disagreed with every decision I had made about her thus far, who was only doing this because she knew she really had no other option, was smiling just the smallest bit watching me be so happy. In her mind even her bitter thoughts had ended, simply wondering how long it had been since I had looked so happy. Not a single disgruntled thought passed through her mind or her lips, only smiling that I was so jovial.
Being happy was not an infrequent occurrence. My family made me happy. I enjoyed their company. I laughed often at Emmett or with Alice, I found myself enjoying the easy banter or comfortable silence with any and all of them often. And yet this moment blew every single second of comparable happiness out of the water. They meant so little then. I would not go so far as to say they meant nothing because no moment of happiness is ever meaningless, and yet in this single instant, those moments seemed to pale in my perfect memory, growing less shining in my mind in comparison to the flawlessness of this single minute.
I looked back to Bella, my beloved one who made this moment the best that ever was or ever could be and she smiled gently back at me, her eyes so full of affection I almost needed to kiss her again. I took one of her hands and brushed my lips across the back of it. Her heart jumped and stuttered. I smiled at her and sighed and she grinned and blushed, biting her lip gently. It seemed impossible that such a beautiful creature could ever love me, that such a seraph could look upon me without flinching; and yet she seemed entranced as she gazed into my eyes.
"Sweet Bella, you know not what you say," I whispered softly. She looked down at our entwined hands and brought them to her face, pressing the back of my hand to her lips as I had with hers.
"Do you love me?" she asked quietly. It did not escape me that my family was listening intently to this exchange, and yet along with my happiness I seemed to have lost all my propriety. I didn't care what they heard.
"Never has a man loved a woman more than I love you," I answered without the slightest hesitation. She smiled again.
"Would you have me say I don't love you? Would you have me tell you I don't return those affections? If you say yes, then you must know you would have me lie. I can do nothing but love you, Edward. You saved me in so many ways I cant accurately list them without taking eternity, which I know you have, but I don't. Please, don't ignore or belittle my love because you think I can't love you the way you love me, or because you think it isn't good for me to love you. That changes nothing. Your opinions of my love do not change facts, no matter what you might wish."
I sighed heavily and squeezed lightly at her hands encased in mine.
"You misunderstand me. I would not have you lie, neither would I prefer it if you did not love me. Would it make things exponentially simpler for us both? Certainly. But I would have nothing but your love for the rest of my life. It that alone could sustain me I would never drink a single drop of blood again. I would have no need. I would have no desire.
"And I could certainly never belittle you love; such a precious gift is not to be scoffed at or go unappreciated. I am simply trying to make you understand that those words you spoke, three small words that sound like so little have done something unimaginable. If ever I thought anything was possible it was never more than these moments. You give me hope, Bella; you give me faith that things will all work out in the end, if only because they must if I am to have you. And I will have you, of that I am completely certain. I could not live without you now. My life without you would be a world without sun or air, without water or earth. It would be a land of nothing and I would be reduced, slowly but surely, to nonentity as well. Nothing would matter without you or your love. Understand only that when I say you know not what you say it is only because you cannot imagine what it feels like to know that you love me."
"No, I think I can. I am sure it feels akin to the moment you told me you loved me," she replied softly. Without thinking I kissed her again with reckless, dangerous abandon. In those moments I knew my control would not even be close to tested. There was nothing that I wanted more than to love her then. Her blood, while crying for me, begging to be taken seemed to be silenced then; her steady pounding heart momentarily was still and quiet, ceasing its temptation for the duration of the kiss.
When I disentangled myself from her grasping hands and desperate need with which I was clinging to her we were both breathing hard, panting heavily, craving nothing more than to never be apart and yet knowing there were other things that needed to be tended to. Our love, proclamations and explanations, could be saved until later when there was not so much danger hanging over our heads.
"Enough already," Emmett exclaimed, but the expression on his face would have given him away even if I were unable to read his thoughts. He was happy for me. Seeing me with Bella, watching the way we interacted was one of the most wonderful things he had ever witnessed. He marveled at the strength I must have been exerting being so near to a woman who called to me so fiercely and yet along with that marvel was a sort or knowing. He loved Rose ferociously with everything he had in him. I had never known what that felt like. I had never experienced that sort of all consuming affection for a single being. Now I had, I knew that overwhelming love for another, the type of love that made you sacrifice everything you had if only to see them smile, had you bend over backwards if only to make them happy and give them what they desired. He was happy to see his 'big brother' finally understood that. They all felt bad that I missed out on love, and now as his thoughts of satisfaction passed through his mind so did they through the minds of the rest of my family. He might have been pretending to find our affectionate displays annoying or disgusting, but truly he was only happy for me.
Bella however did not know this and blushed furiously, her face turning a delightful shade of red. If only she knew how I loved to see her turn that color. She looked more than lovely; more than charming with her cheeks flushed so. I brushed my fingers across her cheek to cool the heat in her face and again felt awe at the heat of her skin, let alone that she let me touch her.
"It seems that for the moment our only option is to wait for the Volturi and protect Bella as best we can," Carlisle asserted. I looked to Alice who nodded. She had not seen anything that could aid us in knowing when the Volturi would be here, neither if there was something we could do to keep Bella safe. I would fight for her. There was nothing anyone could do to stop me from protecting her. She was mine and I would be damned a thousand times over if anyone thought they could take her from me by way of death or any other means. I would die a hundred million painful deaths before I would let that happen. I would experience the change every day for the rest of eternity if only to feel her smooth skin beside mine and hear that melodic voice echo in my mind.
Volturi or no Volturi I would be keeping my Bella, because she was mine to keep. My mate, my love, mine in every sense of the word. I was possessive I knew. It had begun even before those moments, before we had exchanged love or even affection. I had begun thinking of her as mine before it was healthy or appropriate, but the length of time with which I had internally possessed her only made my aversion to her current danger that much stronger. How dare someone threaten this woman? Regardless of her exposure to our world, regardless of what she knew or didn't know, there was not a single being on earth that had the right to end her life, no matter their intent or purpose.
However, no matter how I felt about the current situation it did not change the fact that as far as we could tell her life was in danger, more so than it had been lately due to my presence. There were vampires coming here to take care of a problem, only to find her and think her part of the situation that needed remedying. She was no such thing. She did not need to be 'taken care of' in any way other than the ways I would take care of her. She would be loved until the end of her days, cherished and adored until her death, at which point I would follow her. I could not exist in a world without her. I had not been exaggerating when I had told her of the depth of my commitment to her. This world would hold no meaning, no joy. There would be nothing left for me here. I would want nothing. If I could not kill myself outright I would starve, let myself waste away as my desire for blood waned as my mourning for Bella filled me. She was all I needed forever. Blood was now second to my desire for Bella. She sustained me now. It was not a matter of 'if' any longer, a fact I had known even as I spoke words that contradicted that to Bella minutes before. Her admission of love had only cemented my need for her, the unavoidable obsession, addiction I had to her.
"Bella, I know it is much to ask of you to gather your things and leave here to stay with us. I know we are asking you to give up your life for the time being, to ignore the human world for the sake of safety. But you must understand that unless you do these things, we cannot guarantee your security. In fact, in all honesty, even if you do all these things I cannot say with absolute certainty no harm will come to you. But I know my son and I know he will do everything in his power—which if you have yet to notice is quite a bit—to make sure that nothing happens to you."
It was Carlisle who spoke again. His words seemed so calm and sure, so soft and easy as they flowed through the air, into my mind. In his thoughts he was only reaffirming what he was telling Bella. Along with all the power I possessed he would use whatever influence and leverage he had with the Volturi, all his strength and courage, intelligence and guile to keep her safe, keep us alive, and keep his family together. He wanted nothing more than a safe, happy family. If that meant risking his life to keep us together and out of danger he would do it time and again. He was truly the epitome of a father; regardless of the fact there was no biological tie between he and I. Biology did not determine his devotion to his family, and even to Bella, who was so new to our situation but already mattered to him. She was already precious, if only because she made me happy. He knew that I would never love another woman the way I loved her now. He was already coming to think of her as a daughter.
"I understand. This is the only way. I can always come back to this life later if I want to. For now, though, the only safe choice is to do whatever you ask of me. If that means coming to stay with you until this danger has passed I will. I have no doubt you will take care of me," Bella answered. Her voice did not tremble. Such bravery in this tiny little girl, whose fate was uncertain, the only certainly she knew was that she was greatly at risk. My admiration for her swelled.
Before anyone else could speak Alice jumped to her feet and snatched Bella away from me, pulling her along so she could help her gather some clothing to bring with her. I rolled my eyes as she babbled excitedly about having her at the house as she and Bella ascended the staircase. Jasper watched them go, looking after Alice with a sort of longing. I was sure I was part of that, influencing his current mood with all my love and adoration for Bella, fueling his love and need for Alice. I had gone through such a surge of powerful emotions that he was sure to have suffered some of the side effects. At the current moment all I felt was uneasiness that Bella was out of my arms and out of arm's reach. Surely I could get to her in less than a minute and yet I still felt strange about it. I wanted her here now, in my arms and safe with me where I could see and touch her, where I could know that no one was hurting her.
"Extraordinary creature, really. Of course I should have known that nothing but such a wonderful woman could capture the heart of my most particular son," Esme said gently, giving me a smile. It was nice to hear her voice her approval of Bella. Of course I knew she liked her for a while now, but still I liked hearing it because that meant she had stopped considering it and decided she liked her.
"She has stolen me," I confessed quietly. There was no shame in that admittance.
"Rightly so, Edward. Being in love is nothing if not understanding that you no longer belong to yourself but to another who has given themselves over to you in an equal way. You will never feel empty when you are with her because though you feel as though there is nothing left of you that she does not posses, the same can be said of her. She replaced all that you have given to her with equal parts of herself. You are whole with pieces of her. That is love. Being so much a part of someone you cannot tell where you end and they begin," she answered with a wider smile. I could do nothing but smile in return. I wanted to love Bella for the rest of eternity. I wanted to take everything inside of me and regardless of anything she might return give it to her without question. I belonged to her. As possessive as I might have been of her I was as much hers as she was mine. There was no question about that.
Scarcely had Esme finished talking when Alice and Bella descended the stairs and found their ways back to their respective partners. Bella took her place next to me and Alice next to Jasper. While Jasper seemed to be content having Alice near him and seemed not to need the certainty of contact I was not so in control of my needs. I had to touch her, make sure she was still real and not some elaborate fantasy I had concocted. When my fingers met her skin and collided with the silken warmth of her hand I was once again reminded this angel was for me. I sighed and brushed some hair from her eyes before leaning forward just the slightest bit and touching my lips to hers for a brief moment. The brevity of the kiss did not mean her body did not react. The mere second my lips touched her caused her heat to jump in her chest. I smiled at her involuntary reaction and then sighed.
A large suitcase was sitting at the entrance to the living room, all packed up and nearly bursting with Bella's clothing. Alice had gone through every article of clothing she owned and packed only what she approved of. I felt a little sad for her that she already had to cope with Alice's fashion obsession that spilled over to the other members of the family.
There was a short pause then as we all took a moment to figure out the next step in our plan. It seemed the only logical thing was to bring Bella home. I looked over to her and she seemed to understand without needing to be told what was about to happen. We all stood almost simultaneously. Emmett took Bella's things without being asked as we walked out the door. When we reached the woods I pulled Bella up onto my back and ran with her, feeling her body tense as we went along. She was still frightened of running. If only that was all she had to be frightened of; I wished with all I had in me that it were.
When we reached home, less than a minute after we had begun running, I set Bella on her feet. She swayed only for a moment before finding steadiness. She still held on to me but I knew it was not for balance so much as comfort. My touch soothed her; she enjoyed having contact with me as I enjoyed being in contact with her. That pleased me more than I though possible.
We entered our house and Emmett passed Bella's things to me as our family broke apart and went in separate directions. I did not listen to see where they were going or what they were all doing. I honestly could not have cared less. Their business was their own and I had nothing to do with it. Bella, however, was very much my business. We ascended the stairs still silent and as though already in agreement made our way to my bedroom. There was no bed in there, but I could get one soon enough. She glanced around at the space, the couch, the large open hearth, the windows displaying the night landscape, the skylights revealing the stars, the thick, plush carpeting that covered the floor. She sighed and then looked at me.
"If you would rather say in one of the guest rooms you are most welcome to," I offered tentatively. Truly I wished for nothing more than to keep her near me always. But if it would make her more comfortable to sleep in a bed in a room all her own I would not argue. But she shook her head and shrugged.
"Here is fine," she murmured. I put down her things and then looked back at her. She broke from my hold and meandered about the room slowly, inspecting it closely. After her inspection she confessed fatigue. I went and gathered blankets for her so she could sleep on the couch while she changed into sleepwear. When I returned she was sitting on the couch, stretching tiredly in gray sweatpants and a large t-shirt. She looked adorable.
"Here you are, love," I said, laying the blankets and pillows down on the couch beside her. She frowned slightly and bit her lip anxiously.
"What is the problem?" I asked softly.
"We wont both fit on this couch, Edward."
I looked at her for a long moment before laughing. She was frustrated because I could not sleep there with her, even though I couldn't sleep at all.
"I shall compromise with you. I will go collect more blankets and when I return we can create a sleeping space on the floor. Is that agreeable?" I asked with a grin. She instantly perked up. I went and did as I said and when I came back she had already begun to arrange a space on the floor big enough for us to fit together while she slept. The fact that she wanted so desperately to be that close to me made me tingle with joy.
We finished making the little nest like structure together and shortly after Bella collapsed onto the impromptu bed we had created. I turned off the light and then settled beside her. For a moment neither of us were exactly sure what to do. But then she rolled over and rested her palm upon my chest, nestling into the crook of my arm. I responded by pulling her closer wrapping myself around her, holding her to me. She sighed. Eventually her breath became even and deep, her heart slowed to a sleeping pace.
Even in the dark I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath, watched her eyes flick in REM sleep, watched as she slept peacefully, looking more like an angel than anyone had the right to. The night passed with such quickness that I felt as though she had scarcely fell asleep before she awoke once more. Her sleep talking had been unintelligible, but as far as I could tell she had not had any nightmares that night.
The beauty she exhibited in her sleep was surpassed only by her exquisiteness as she woke. It was something I had never gotten to witness because I always had to leave before she got up. But that first instant when her eyes opened and they were so warm and filled with sleep, that first smile before she buried her face in my shoulder murmuring a quiet good morning was so adorable, so undeniably endearing that I had to laugh. This only served to embarrass her further, at which point she rolled away from me and hid beneath the blanket she had pulled on to herself. Without expelling much effort I pulled the blanket away from her face and met her eyes before meeting her lips for a kiss.
She surprised me by returning the kiss with more passion that I thought she would muster so soon after waking. Her whole body seemed to come alive, shocked into awareness when I kissed her. She pulled me close, her arms around my neck. I acquiesced without thinking, wanting just as desperately to be near to her. I wanted to press my body to hers, hold her close to me and feel her lips on mine. But that was so dangerous. I had spent the whole night beside her, true, but now she was pushing my control.
I pulled back gently and she uttered something like a growl. I almost laughed. I would have if I hadn't seen the look in her eyes, frustration, need, longing. I knew those feelings. I wanted her just as badly as she wanted me. I was desperate for her, to hold her, to have her for my own in every way there was to have a person. But I couldn't do that. It wasn't safe to have Bella that way. She was human. I would hurt her. That wasn't something I could allow.
When I didn't move any further away Bella reached for me again. At that point I had to move. I sat up, shrinking away from her. She frowned.
"Bella, please understand this has nothing to do with what I want. If I could have my way there would be no boundaries. But as it stands it is far too dangerous to be that close to you. I'm sorry," I whispered. She sighed in defeat but nodded and sat up as well, rubbing at her eyes. She requested I show her where the bathroom was so she could have a minute to get herself together. She gathered some clothing and I showed her the bathroom. She smiled at me, kissed my cheek and then closed the door. I heard the shower start a moment later and went downstairs. I found Esme in the kitchen, staring at the stove quizzically. She was trying to figure out what to make Bella for breakfast. On the counter beside her were various mixes, ingredients and recipes for pancakes, waffles, French toast, crepes, every kind of egg imaginable, bacon, hash browns, sausage and fresh squeezed orange juice.
"I did some late night shopping," she explained before I could ask. I nodded and looked around the kitchen.
"I just don't know what to make," she confessed. I calmly ushered her away form the stove and without pause began putting things together. I hadn't cooked in a very long time. But if someone were going to make breakfast for Bella, it would be me. My mother would do no such thing.
"Edward, please, I want to do this," she said sternly. I sighed.
"Esme, don't worry. I will take care of it today. Tomorrow I promise you can cook for her, okay?"
She nodded apprehensively and stepped back letting me take over. I followed the recipe for pancakes and scrambled eggs, finishing making them on the first try right as Bella came downstairs. She took one look at me in the apron I had put on as a precaution and laughed. I scowled but held the plate of breakfast out to her. She said nothing but nodded in thanks and she pushed her damp hair over her shoulder. She sat and ate her food, praising my culinary abilities on and on through the whole meal. When she was full I took the plate and washed it in the sink before placing it in the cupboard where it belonged. Esme had cleaned up the kitchen while Bella ate.
I was about to ask Bella what she would like to do when a panicked screech of my name shattered the stillness of the air.
Alice tore into the house and made it to me in seconds. She tossed me the day's paper and I looked down at the headline, reading it with terror.
Mystery Boy Deflects Bullet in Heroic Rescue. New Superman?
The article went on to describe the incident from the night before, exactly what had transpired along with a description of me, and a tip line for anyone with information about me. I looked up at Alice whose face was grim and set.
"Tomorrow," she murmured.
Tomorrow the Volturi would come.
Tomorrow I would fight.
Tomorrow I might die.
