Chapter 12
After Toph's death, months passed by in a blur. For a while, Lin no longer felt like she had full control over her own body, as if she was simply a puppet being made to go through the motions of her life, her entire persona more stoic and unwavering than ever. Despite this, her job suddenly seemed exponentially harder, every murder or dangerous situation a reminder of the loss she'd suffered. It took quite some time for her to recover and heal and come out stronger on the other side, and even afterwards that extra shell of protection that she'd produced to hide her feelings of grief did not go away. In the end, though, she considered it a good thing, because it enabled her to rise swiftly through the ranks of the Metalbending Police Force and take her mother's place as Chief of Police. While this was a welcome title that she'd been reaching for throughout the majority of her life, it also added quite a lot more stress and consumed much of her time. She often didn't make it home until after Tenzin had already fallen asleep, and would return to work early the next morning without even having breakfast with him. There was an obvious strain put on their marriage, but it was nothing they couldn't handle, and they simply made sure to make the most of their limited time together – though they had put a slight hold on the attempted baby-making, which was more Lin's decision than Tenzin's, but he wasn't given much opportunity to argue.
Due to her frequent absence from Air Temple Island and her focus being dedicated mostly to her duty as Chief, Lin failed to notice Avatar Aang slowly growing more and more ill every day, so that when Sokka suddenly called her in the middle of work to tell her that she needed to return home immediately, she had been completely caught off guard. Sokka had met her at the docks, and quickly explained his fears that Aang's time was near. It was then Lin realized just how distant she'd become in the past year. She had not even known Bumi and Kya had been on the Island for a full day and a half now, and if she had been given any reason to believe Aang was ill over the past few months, she had simply chalked it up to him still coping with Toph's death and perhaps a virus he was having trouble getting rid of. She wondered if Tenzin had expressed his concerns to her and she had simply ignored him, or if he had decided to keep it to himself. Had she even seen him at all the previous day? She didn't remember him being in bed, but she'd been so exhausted that she fell asleep almost instantly, assuming he was just working late. According to Sokka, they'd all been in Aang and Katara's home all night.
And when Lin stepped into the Avatar's sitting room, and looked around at all the somber faces of her family, she felt as if she was not even worthy to be among them anymore. How could she have been so blind? How could she have missed something so important going on, on the very same island that she lived on? Why had she not been there for Tenzin when he had been there for her throughout almost every hardship she'd ever had to face? She was disgusted with herself, and was sure for a moment that she would be unwelcome. But then she was surprised, again, to have Kya and Bumi go to her almost immediately, embracing her tightly and expressing their gratitude for her leaving work to be there with them, as if this was not the place where she was most needed. It only made her feel monumentally worse, especially when Tenzin remained in his seat, staring off into the distance and not even acknowledging his wife's presence.
At first, Lin considered giving Tenzin his space, but ultimately she decided to go to him instead, sitting close to him on the couch and reaching out to lace her fingers through his, the only gesture of comfort she could think to give him at the moment.
However, Tenzin did not return the grasp, continued to avoid Lin's gaze, and a moment later – when Sokka announced he'd make some more tea – lurched to his feet, breaking contact with Lin and hurrying into the kitchen to insist on helping Sokka.
Lin's utter shock and bewilderment must have shown on her face, because Kya was quick to reassure her, "Don't take it personally, Lin, he's been like that all day."
Still focused on Tenzin's retreating form, Lin didn't catch Kya's words at first. "What? Oh…right, yes, of course. No I understand…" Then, quickly changing the subject to divert the attention from herself, "Are Kole and the kids here?"
Kya shook her head. "They left this morning, I didn't want the kids to be here when…if he…" She trailed off, obviously too distraught to continue, bowing her head and blinking rapidly.
Lin shifted uncomfortably in her seat, while Bumi reached over to rub his sister's back comfortingly.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you all arrived last night," said Lin, eager to discuss something, anything else.
Kya was still trying to compose herself, so Bumi responded, "That's all right, you were working."
Lin frowned slightly. Why did they all think that was so much more important to her? Did they not realize that Aang had been just as much a father to her as he had been to them? "Still, I should have been here –"
"Oh, don't worry about it," said Kya, sniffling and waving a dismissive hand. "You're here now. How long can you stay?"
"I took the whole day off," Lin replied.
"Will everything be all right while you're gone?" asked Kya, sounding concerned.
"Of course, I've left capable men in charge and they know where I am if they need me, but they're under strict orders not to bother me unless it's absolutely necessary."
Katara entered the room then, looking as if she hadn't slept in days, her eyes darkened by sorrow and her shoulder slumped as if they held the weight of the world. Her hair seemed to have turned white overnight – another thing Lin must have missed – and her face was more wrinkled than ever before. She flashed a small smile at the occupants of the room, but it was forced. "Just coming out to get some more water," she said. "Your father's sleeping again." Her gaze fell on her daughter-in-law. "Lin, it's good of you to be here, Aang will want to see you when he wakes up. I hope it wasn't too much trouble for you to leave work."
"Of course not," said Lin, rising to her feet to go stand before Katara, taking the older woman's hands in her own. "Right here is the only place I want to be, and I'm sorry that I haven't been around much lately. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Smiling sadly at Lin, Katara shook her head, reaching up to place a cool hand on her daughter-in-law's cheek. "No, dear, just being here is enough." She glanced around the room quickly, lowering her voice as she added, "Just…take care of Tenzin for me, please?"
"Of course," Lin breathed, not immediately looking up at the man they spoke of when he reentered the room.
"Thank you," Katara whispered.
And then she turned away to address her son when he asked, "Mother? Did you need something? Sokka and I made tea –?"
Lin accepted a cup of tea from Sokka, and then the two of them stood just a few feet away as Katara spoke to her three children. Afterwards, Katara walked back to her and Aang's room, Kya and Bumi returned to their seats, and Tenzin glanced at Lin once before stalking off to the kitchen. Confused, Lin followed her husband, and found him standing before the sink, his arms folded across his chest and a scowl on his face.
"I didn't think you'd come," he said to her.
Furrowing her brow, Lin carefully responded, "Why wouldn't I?"
"Well you haven't exactly been around much lately," Tenzin pointed out, rather unkindly.
"Is that why you didn't tell me about all this?" Lin asked, doing her best to stomp on the anger bubbling up within her.
Tenzin shrugged. "Quite frankly, I didn't think you'd care."
Lin's eye twitched. "Are you forgetting that Aang is just as much a father to me as he is to you? I may have been distant lately, but –"
"Distant?!" Tenzin exclaimed. "Really? Because to be emotionally "distant" would require you to actually be around enough for a person to notice a change in your behavior."
Lin clenched her teeth, slowly expelling a breath of air from her lungs in a fleeting effort to remain unaffected by her husband's words. "Look, Tenzin, I know you're upset –"
"Do you?" he interrupted. "It's a wonder you remember anything about me."
"I'm just trying to help," she said through gritted teeth, quickly losing her ongoing battle with her temper.
"Oh, now you want to help, do you? Well thank you so much, Chief, but we've got everything under control here –"
"I've had just about enough of your cheek, Tenzin!" Lin burst out, her fists clenching and her eyes narrowing. "I didn't come here to be insulted –"
"Then why did you come, Lin?" Tenzin shot back at her. "Why now? After all these months you've spent pretending I don't even exist? Did you even notice that anything was different, or did you just not care? Is this your way of telling me you regret our marriage?"
"What? No –"
"Because if it is," he powered on as if she had not even spoken, "then why have you been leading me on all this time? Why did you have me marry you and promise me children if you were just going to take it all away later?"
"I told you," Lin seethed, "I just needed some time, and in case you've forgotten, we were trying for a baby for over a year, and the only reason we put it on hold was because I couldn't possibly have a child right now! My mother was murdered right before my eyes less than a year ago, and now I'm the newly appointed Chief of Police –"
"And I gave you your space and your time, but now here we are, almost a full year later, and you don't appear to have any intentions of starting a family anytime soon –"
"Because we aren't ready! Can't you see that?! Could you imagine us bringing a child into the world right now? Could you imagine having to care for a baby when we can't even manage to properly take care of ourselves?"
"The thing is, Lin, I don't think you'll ever be ready," said Tenzin, his voice low and his expression full of rage and sorrow.
Lin rolled her eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. "I don't know what you want from me. Nothing I'm doing is good enough, so tell me, Tenzin, what is it you want? You really want me to be pregnant right at this moment? You want to conceive our child when neither of us is happy? Well go on then. Do it. Fuck me on your parents' kitchen table for all care –"
"What I want," he interjected, giving her a scathing look, "is for you to want this as much as I do. What I want is for my wife to choose to spend time with me and have a family with me because you want to, not because you think you have to in order to please me."
"And what on Earth makes you think I'd do all this just to please you? I've got a mind of my own, Tenzin, and I certainly wouldn't go to all this trouble with anyone else – and don't try and twist that around either. I know I'm hardly ever home, and I'm sorry for that, but there are things that need to be dealt with. I will not have children until I'm sure I can protect them to the best of my abilities."
"And what if that day never comes?" Tenzin demanded.
Lin scowled, sighing heavily and pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation. "Aren't you the one always telling me that everything will work itself out? That as long as we have each other then our love is all that matters?"
"Yes, but sometimes I think you love your job more than you love me," Tenzin spat.
Lin spluttered, "Well that's just –"
"Er – sorry…" Lin and Tenzin whirled around to face the doorway, where Kya now stood, looking rather uncomfortable. "One of your officers called, Lin. They said they need you at Headquarters…that it's urgent."
Lin practically growled in frustration, muttering a quick, "Thank you, Kya," before turning her attention back to Tenzin.
"You should go," he said, leaning back against the sink and looking as if he couldn't care less.
"This isn't over," Lin told him, realizing then that she still had a cup of tea in her hands and slamming it down onto the table, lukewarm liquid sloshing up over her hand. "I'll be back."
Tenzin looked skeptical, but said nothing, and Lin rushed out the door, intent on finding out what was so damn "urgent" and dealing with it as quickly as possible.
As expected, the urgent call wasn't quite as urgent as Lin expected, and her officers got a proper dressing down for it too. Although, it may have just been Lin's foul mood that made her react so severely, because she had been waiting for months now to gather enough evidence to raid a particularly nasty dwelling in which many drug deals and prostitution had been taking place, and even though she would have preferred to go after the criminals a bit later, when she was calmer and in less of a distracted mood, she also knew those criminals needed to be stopped as soon as possible. After the raid, Lin stayed long enough to ensure everything was going as it should be, leaving most of the interrogations and the mountain of paper work for later so that she could return to Air Temple Island.
She had only been gone for an hour, but things had changed drastically since then. When she reentered the Avatar's sitting room, no one even glanced up at her this time, so consumed were they by their grief. At first, Lin thought the worst had happened while she'd been away, but after clutching Sokka's arm desperately, she was assured that Aang was still alive. His condition had worsened though, and it wouldn't be long before he had passed on.
Although the other occupants of the room didn't pay much attention to Lin's presence, Katara must have heard her come in, because soon after Lin arrived, the aging Waterbender had come to retrieve her, stating that Aang wanted to see her.
Entering the Avatar's room had been a very heart-wrenching moment, one Lin was sure she'd remember for the rest of her life. As with the night of her mother's death, she'd remember everything in startling detail. She'd remember how the setting sun peaked in through a gap in the curtains, setting Katara's white hair ablaze in wavering hues of orange and yellow, her form casting a shadow over the Avatar's frighteningly pale face. She'd remember nearly every word Aang spoke to her with what little was left of his breath, about how he'd always loved her as if she were one of his own, that she was just as good a police chief as her mother so she could relax and stop spending so much time at work, and that he knew she and Tenzin were having difficulties, but that he had faith they'd work it out – though she'd conveniently "forget" the part where she'd had to swipe away a few tears. But most importantly, she'd remember watching Aang breathe his last breath, before his tired gray eyes fluttered closed and his chest stopped moving.
Lin had stayed a few moments longer, gripping Katara's shoulder in a useless gesture of comfort before leaving the older woman to grieve. The worst part was having to tell the others, but they seemed to know as soon as she entered the sitting room. Sokka took a few moments to recover before immediately going to his sister's side, while Bumi held himself together for Kya, as she had done for him after Toph's death. Tenzin left the room rather hastily, so that by the time Lin had followed him outside, she couldn't find him by sight alone. Eventually, she found him hidden away in that secret cave of his, and though she had to use a different method of entering it than his usual Airbending, she instantly went to his side, both of them putting aside their differences as he sobbed against her and she held him close.
The weeks following Aang's death were far worse than it had been after Toph's, if that were even possible. With the Avatar gone, crime rate soared and people's hopes were shattered. Lin had never realized just how much Aang's presence had held the world together. And though Aang's death was certainly no less painful for her than her mother's had been, for some reason she felt as if she had more closure. Perhaps it had been that discussion she'd had with him just before he passed on that helped. She'd spoken to Toph a bit before she died, but not in the way Lin would have hoped, and so much had been left unsaid. Or maybe it was just the fact that Tenzin needed her to be strong, whereas last year she'd been expected to be the weak one.
Although Tenzin had not been coping well at first, he had received much comfort from Lin, a sort of silent comfort that worked out well, because then he didn't have to talk about his pain unless he expressed it to her on his own. Issues remained between them, issues which would need to be sorted through and discussed at some point, but for now they would grieve and seek comfort in one another's embrace.
It was about a month later that Lin finally said something pertaining to their argument. It was late at night, and she and Tenzin were in bed, both of them intending to sleep but only succeeding in staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought.
"You're wrong you know," Lin murmured, her voice so low Tenzin wasn't sure she had even spoken at first.
Then, confused, he mumbled back, "Wrong about what?"
"I don't love my job more than you," said Lin.
There was a long moment of silence, and then the sounds of Lin shifting around, so that she was turned on her side and staring over at her husband. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
Tenzin sighed, turning his head just enough to look at her out of the corner of his eye as he confessed, "Sometimes."
"Well…don't," said Lin, a bit forcefully.
"It's a part of you, Lin, I understand that –"
"Yes but that doesn't mean I love it. Honestly…sometimes I hate it."
Bewildered, Tenzin turned onto his side as well so that he could fully face Lin. "I don't understand…" he admitted.
Lin stared back at him in the dark. "That job took my mother from me, almost took you away from me. It's not love that keeps me there all hours of the night. Don't get me wrong, I want to help the people of the city, I want to bring justice to all those criminals out there, but that's not the only reason I became a police officer. I did it because it's my duty to do so. You have your father's legacy to uphold, and I have my mother's. I vowed to myself a long time ago that I'd keep this city safe and make sure it remained the place of freedom and prosperity that our parents hoped it to be. And…after a while…it became an escape as well, so that when home life got to be too difficult…I'd just work.
"Out of all the time I've spent there though…" she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed briefly. "The city is still in shambles, and it's even worse now that…" She didn't have to finish that sentence, they both felt the pangs of grief in their own hearts without the words being said. "I thought if I could fix it, make the city safer, put things back in order again, then I wouldn't feel so guilty for leaving for a few months to have a kid…but I don't think there's time for that. If I wait any longer…"
Again, she had no need to finish. Tenzin knew what she was trying to say. Knew that if they waited too long, she would be too old for children and he, being the last Airbender, would be required to leave her and find someone else to fall in love with and have children with, so that the Airbending race didn't die out with him. And if Lin and Tenzin were to part ways, Lin would be on her own, and the beautiful friendship they'd been building since birth would be ruined.
Lin opened her mouth to continue, but Tenzin silenced her by reaching out to pull her into his embrace, his arms wrapped tightly around her as he buried his face in her hair. It didn't need saying. He knew she was willing to have children now, and that was all that mattered at the moment. They would have a child, maybe two or three, and at least one of them would be an Airbender, and they would be a family, and they would be happy, and he would have no reason to divorce his best friend and the love of his life.
Or so he hoped.
-I know, I know, this chapter isn't any less depressing than the last one, but don't worry, I'm pretty sure you'll really like the next few ;) Thanks again for your lovely reviews!-
