Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Feathers and Fireballs
Chapter Eleven
Harry's eyes stuck when he tried to open them. He stopped trying and instead reached up to rub at them, only to feel a hand blocking the motion. "Don't," Regulus said quietly. "They're pretty swollen; rubbing at them is only going to make it worse."
He felt a cool cloth gently stroking over his eyes, the motion slow and soothing. Harry let himself relax. Regulus was here, so he was safe. But… His breathing hitched. But he was a murderer. He'd let himself forget that over the past few days in Regulus' care, and now it was all coming back. He was a murderer. He'd killed…
His breath hitched again. Regulus continued to stroke the cloth over his eyes, and then it stopped. "I know that you're upset about your friends," he started.
Harry flinched. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice coming out hoarser than he'd expected. It hurt to talk.
"When would you have liked me to do that?" Regulus' voice was gentle, even. "When you'd just come off the streets and were practically feral? When you'd finally started to trust me? Harry, there was no good time to have that conversation."
Harry couldn't think of a response to that. Regulus… wasn't wrong. So he stayed silent.
"Try opening your eyes again for me." Regulus hand was resting on his forehead, now, the touch light but still grounding.
Harry blinked open his eyes. They still ached, but not as badly as they had. The lights in the bedroom were on, but were very dim. The curtains were closed, so he couldn't tell what time it was. And Regulus was hovering over him, his eyes filled with concern. Harry tried out a smile, but it didn't work. His face felt wrong when he smiled now that he knew… that he knew…
His face must have done something, because Regulus immediately scooped him into his arms. "Please don't cry again," Regulus whispered in his ear. "I know that you're upset, and I know that you probably can't help it, but Narcissa's going to kill me if I have to call her again."
Harry was startled into letting out a small laugh. He brought his arms up to curl them around Regulus' shoulders and buried his face in the softness of his robes. Harry breathed in deeply and tried to get his breathing under control, trying not to cry once more. It wasn't easy, and his breath still hitched, and he thought he might cry at any minute, but he managed. "I'm sorry to be such a problem," he finally said around the lump in his throat.
"No, no, don't apologize for being upset," Regulus said. He held him for a minute longer, then released him and handed him a glass of water. "Drink this; hopefully your throat will stop hurting."
Harry drank. He wasn't feeling particularly thirsty, but the water did feel good as it slid down his throat. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I really killed them?" he asked, even though he knew the answer. Regulus wouldn't have made that up.
"Technically, yes, although I would like to take this opportunity to remind you once again that what happened while you were under the influence of your instincts was not your fault." Regulus smiled at him, the expression a little sad. "Christelle explained a bit more about Veela nature in her most recent letter to me. There was nothing you could have done once the assault started."
Harry looked down and away. "She never said…" He stopped and cleared his throat. "She never said how I could start learning to control my allure."
"Harry," Regulus started. There was something in his voice, something sympathetic and very gentle, like he didn't know how to say what he was about to.
Harry's eyes darted up. "She said it was hard," he said quickly. "Regulus, she didn't say it was impossible, right?" Was he misremembering? He was pretty sure that she'd just said it was difficult.
Immediately Regulus' hand landed in his hair, stroking through it gently. "She didn't say it was impossible," he agreed. "But she and I have been talking about it, and… Harry, you might not be able to manage it. It's a mind art that is more difficult than Occlumency, and Sev reported to us your difficulty learning that."
"I can still try!" Harry's voice shook and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Maybe not now, because… because the thought of leaving here still terrifies me, but someday I'm going to want to go outside. Interact with people other than you and the Dark Lord and Nagini. And Narcissa, I guess. So at some point I'm going to have to try, Regulus."
"I know," Regulus said quietly. "And when you're ready to try, we've found someone who will attempt to teach you here. If you're unable to learn from him, and there is always a chance that you won't be able to work with him given your… mutual antipathy, then we'll ask Christelle. If we need to involve her, however, there is a good chance that you'll have to travel to the Veela Court. The good news is that, because I am your mate, I will be welcome with you."
Mutual antipathy… Snape. He meant Snape. Harry shuddered at the thought of trying to learn from the man once more, but didn't object out loud. Instead, Harry dipped his head in a small nod. "Okay," he said.
"Okay," Regulus responded. The two sat in silence for what felt like an eternity before Regulus said, "Are you hungry? You've missed breakfast and lunch."
Harry shook his head. "Not even a little bit," he said with a small frown. "Will Narcissa kill you if I don't eat?" he asked, a slightly teasing tone entering his voice.
"I think you're underestimating the amount of pain my cousin is willing to inflict upon me," Regulus said with a small grimace. "You're her patient now, and she won't take kindly to my disobeying her orders and letting you get away with not eating. You're already malnourished, you know."
"I guess I could try to eat," Harry said uncertainly. "Just a little bit, though. Don't go wasting food on me when I'm not even sure if I'll keep it down."
Regulus snapped his fingers and a small bowl of fruit immediately appeared in his hands. Obviously, a house elf had been waiting to deliver that, and Harry wondered how long they'd been stuck waiting, and what they would have done if Harry hadn't wanted to eat at all. He handed the bowl to Harry and watched him, intent. While Harry picked away at it, Regulus rested one hand on Harry's arm, the touch soothing.
It helped, but it was strange. Regulus had never… before, he'd never touched Harry this much. It was weird, in fact, how it had started after… when had it started? Was it just now? Harry put the bowl down, his appetite fleeing. "You don't need to keep touching me," he said uneasily. "I don't need your pity."
Regulus' hand didn't move. "Actually, according to Christelle, I do need to keep touching you. I don't need to maintain constant contact with you, but the more I stay with you, the more frequently I touch you, the more secure you'll feel. She was very concerned when I Flooed her last night."
"You…" Harry choked on air. "You called her last night? Why?"
Regulus just stared at him, one eyebrow going up in an expression that was eerily reminiscent of Snape's. "Because you had a panic attack, and then I gave you a potion that made you pass out, and then I almost sent you into another panic attack," he said, each word spoken as though Harry were something of an idiot. "I thought she might be able to advise me on what I should be doing, as your mate, to help you through this."
"But you're…" Harry cleared his throat and looked away. "You're not interested in me, not like that. Isn't that what you said?" Harry looked back up and his cheeks went pink.
Regulus blinked at him. "Not in a sexual way, no," Regulus said slowly, like he was confused. "But… But Harry, sex isn't all there is to a relationship. The sex is the only part I don't like. I certainly don't mind the touching, or the cuddling, or even the kissing, really. To a point. Sometimes kissing gets to be a bit much."
Harry wasn't certain that he entirely understood the difference, but the basic idea he was getting was, "So if I wanted to crawl into your lap right now, you'd be okay with that?" He was… every time he tried to stop thinking about Ron and Hermione and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, he'd remember again, and he just… he just… he needed…
"Come here," Regulus said immediately. He tugged Harry into his lap and folded his arms around him. "You know that you're my only concern. If this is what you need, I'm more than willing to let you have it."
Harry relaxed against Regulus, hearing nothing dishonest in his mate's voice. He could be here, with Regulus surrounding him, and it was safe. Nobody could hurt him. And, more importantly, Regulus wouldn't let him hurt anyone else.
He was safe in Regulus' arms.
ooOOooOOoo
Harry woke up screaming, unable to stop himself. He'd seen them again. Their bodies, burned to a crisp, and it was all his fault. And this time, this time, standing over the bodies… Fred and George, and Hermione's parents, and they were all so very angry with him.
Harry curled into Regulus' arms with a gasping sob, his whole body heaving with the force of it. Regulus had taken to spending the night with Harry, mostly because Harry woke up more often than not with nightmares now that he knew… now that he knew what he'd really done.
Harry clung to him, helpless and desperate and trying as hard as he could to stop crying, because he knew that it worried Regulus, but he just… he couldn't. He was a killer. A murderer. He should… it would be better if…
"I swear to Merlin that if you finish that thought I'm going to lock you in a room with Narcissa," Regulus snarled, suddenly sounding angry with Harry for the first time in, well, ever.
Harry was shocked into stillness, his eyes going wide. He hadn't even realized that he'd been talking out loud. "I'm sorry," he finally said, sniffling horribly between every word. He felt like a wreck, like he was just ruining everything around him.
"Don't-" Regulus cut off with a small sigh. "You don't have to be sorry, Harry," Regulus finally said. "I know that you're upset, and I know that you're not thinking clearly. I just worry so much that I'm not enough to help you through this."
"You are," Harry said quickly. Then he winced, because he didn't like to lie. As much as he wanted Regulus to be enough, to be all that he needed, it was becoming very clear that Regulus couldn't help him through this. His mate, while fantastic, was no Mind Healer and… and Harry was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he did need to see one.
"I'm not, Harry," Regulus said. He pulled Harry to him and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I'm not enough, and you and I both know it. You're not… you're losing weight, Harry. And the shadows under your eyes are awful. This isn't good for you."
A part of Harry wanted to just… let go. To tell Regulus that it was okay, because he didn't want to be healthy. He wanted, very much, to be done hurting, and it seemed that as long as he was alive he was going to be hurting. But… but… but Regulus smiled so sweetly at him, and was always so very willing to protect him, in a way that nobody ever had before in his life. How would Regulus feel if Harry said something like that to him?
So he didn't say it. Instead, reluctantly, Harry said, "I think maybe you're right." It was the last thing he wanted to do, but Regulus… Regulus wanted him to do this. And maybe it was time to listen to his mate, as little as he wanted to.
"Of course I'm right," Regulus said with a small, smug smile. The expression faded quickly, returning to the perpetual look of concern he wore these days. "About what?"
Harry took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then nestled closer to Regulus. "I think I need to start seeing a Mind Healer."
He felt the immediate effect his words had on Regulus in the sudden loss of tension that he hadn't even realized Regulus was carrying. "I'm so glad to hear that," he said quietly, sounding almost like… like…
Harry looked up to confirm and found that Regulus was, in fact, blinking back tears. The sight was something like a knife in the gut. "I'm sorry," Harry whispered. He reached up and wiped at Regulus' tears with ineffective fingers. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"These are tears of relief, I'll have you know," Regulus said. He sniffed a little and the tears slowed, then stopped. "I'm very glad that you're willing to speak with Narcissa."
"Can you stay with me? When I do?" Harry didn't want… she'd never hurt him, not when he'd had no choice but to see her for medical reasons, but he needed Regulus to be with him when he talked about what had happened.
"Of course I can," Regulus said immediately. "Whatever you want."
Harry relaxed into Regulus arms and closed his eyes. "Thank you," he said quietly, not even sure about which of the million things Regulus had done for him that he was thanking him for.
He felt soft lips press against his forehead again. "You are, as always, most very welcome," he heard Regulus whisper, and then Harry was drifting back to a sleep that would hopefully be nightmare free for the rest of the night.
