Disclaimer, notes, and warning can be found in chapter 1.

Ch. 9 cont

Several hours later, Kathryn was sitting on the very comfortable living room couch, tucked into the corner cushions with a sleeping Miral snuggled into her arms. The party had died down with all the acquaintances and work-place friends having left, but the close personal friends and family had a poker game well underway at the kitchen table. It may have been Harry's birthday, but he certainly wasn't winning the game of five card draw. Surprisingly, one of Tom's younger sisters, Christy, was raking in all the chips. Kathryn frowned to herself as she listened to the game from the living room.

"Why the frown?" B'Elanna asked, sinking into the cushions at the other end of the couch.

"It's nothing," she laughed quietly, not wanting to wake Miral. "I just realized that I don't know Tom's sister that well. I guess it shouldn't surprise me to find out Tom isn't the only con artist in his family."

B'Elanna glanced towards the kitchen as another groan sounded. "For the record, I think you could take her in pool, but don't ever let her challenge you to a game of darts."

"Is that a fact?" Kathryn asked, mentally reassessing the blond woman.

B'Elanna nodded.

"You've never seen me play darts, B'Elanna."

"That's true," she agreed easily, "but I have seen her play. She's lethal."

Kathryn filed the information away for future use. "Why aren't you playing cards?"

The half Klingon shrugged. "I could ask you the same thing."

"I wanted to spend some time with my goddaughter." She hazarded a glance at B'Elanna. "After all, I have been rather remiss in my duties of late."

"You had other things on your mind," she smiled conspiratorially. "Or should I say, other people?"

Kathryn looked away at her comment, feeling uncomfortable at how supportive her friends were being about her relationship. None of them had ever even hinted at her spending less time with them for him. They all just seemed genuinely happy to see her happy. She felt like such a fraud. Even the Doctor was unaware that it had been Victor that had given her that drug. When she'd talked to the Doctor earlier, he hadn't mentioned the incident directly, but he had asked her to make some time to come in and see him, professionally. Upon further examination of her scans, he'd noticed an irregularity that he wanted to discuss with her. Feeling as though the other shoe had finally fallen, she'd assured him that she was fine now, but that she would come in and see him. She owed him that much.

"Kathryn?"

She gave B'Elanna an embarrassed smile. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

B'Elanna eyed her curiously. "We were," she hesitated, "surprised to you see you show up alone tonight."

Kathryn swallowed tightly and fidgeted with Miral's blanket. "You were expecting Victor to be with me."

"You did just get back after being gone for a month," she commented. "Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if you hadn't shown up at all."

Honesty. That was a prime choice of word for Kathryn these days. She was done lying to her friends. Still, she had strategically avoided this particular conversation all night, but if she was going to have it with anyone, she found herself glad that it was B'Elanna asking. She exhaled a deep breath. "Victor and I aren't...together anymore."

"Oh."

Kathryn cringed slightly at B'Elanna's surprised expression. "And we, it ended...badly." She took a breath. "About a month ago."

"Oh." B'Elanna managed, blinking several times. "And by badly...you mean–"

"Just...badly," Kathryn stated, hoping she wouldn't be pressed for details.

They both said nothing for a few minutes as B'Elanna digested the news and Kathryn waited nervously. She was incredibly uncomfortable not knowing how this sharing of personal matters would be accepted. She and B'Elanna had known each other for eight years, but when it came down to it, they were still rather new at being friends.

"So...uhm, who broke up with who?" B'Elanna asked finally.

"I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"I realized I didn't love him." Kathryn looked out towards the window. "That I would never love him."

B'Elanna pursed her lips. "Did you tell him that?"

Kathryn nodded.

"How'd he take it?"

"Not...well." Her mind flashed once again to that night and, unthinking, Kathryn brushed her fingers against her cheekbone where Victor had struck her. When she saw B'Elanna watching her closely, she tucked her hair behind her ear, hoping the move looked natural.

B'Elanna shifted in her seat so she was facing Kathryn fully. She had a dark look on her face. "I don't need to go rip off any arms do I?"

"No," Kathryn replied quickly. She had no doubt in her mind that if B'Elanna found out what had actually happened that night, Victor really would be in mortal danger. "No. If there's any arm ripping to be done...I'll do it."

B'Elanna didn't look convinced. "Kathryn did he–" she quickly lowered her voice when she saw a look of panic cross Kathryn's features, "did he hit you?"

The noise level from the kitchen card game had dropped significantly just as B'Elanna had asked her question, and Kathryn prayed they hadn't overheard. When she didn't hear any chairs scraping against the floor, she felt a wave of relief.

"Kathryn."

B'Elanna's voice was insistent, and Kathryn regarded her seriously, making up her mind then and there. "Yes, he did," she said, reaching out to put a restraining hand on B'Elanna's arm. "But it was just the one time, and then I left."

"That miserable petaQ!" B'Elanna spat, launching into a long string of Klingon expletives that Kathryn couldn't translate. She cringed when she did hear a chair move and saw Tom's head and shoulders emerge from around the kitchen door frame.

"Everything all right in here?"

B'Elanna glanced at Kathryn. "Everything's fine, Tom," she fairly growled, "Kathryn was just telling me about some idiot engineer on the Eclipse."

Tom stood in the doorway and crossed his arms. "Must have been something really bad."

"He just made a mistake," Kathryn tried explaining.

"A mistake that could get him killed," B'Elanna interjected.

"A mistake," Kathryn glared at B'Elanna, "that's over now."

B'Elanna sucked in a deep breath just as Mike's voice could be heard from the kitchen. "Tom, you playing or what?"

Tom looked suspiciously at the two women in the living room. Kathryn didn't meet his eyes, returning her attention to a now fussing Miral, but B'Elanna just gave him a small head shake. Whatever they were really talking about, neither of them was going to tell him at the moment. He nodded to B'Elanna, letting her know they'd talk later, and went back in the kitchen.

"Please," Kathryn said quietly, "do not blow this out of proportion, B'Elanna. That's not what I need right now."

B'Elanna gave her a curt nod and sat back down, her hands still clenched into fists. "Sorry. You just took me by surprise."

Kathryn chuckled darkly. "Me too."

B'Elanna gave her a side long glance. "Guess it's just lucky you had those unexpected orders to join the Eclipse mission."

Kathryn smiled, relaxing slightly. "Lucky indeed."

"Uh huh," B'Elanna muttered. "Well, we have plenty of room here, if you need–"

Loud cheers from the kitchen cut off her offer.

"Chakotay, you made it!"

"We didn't think you were in town."

"Come in, come in!"

Kathryn's mouth went dry as the conversation in the kitchen continued. That was one face to face conversation she had not been prepared to have tonight. She quickly handed Miral to a confused looking B'Elanna and walked straight to the patio door; she heard Tom's voice seal her fate just as she turned the handle.

"And Kathryn's here too."


Kathryn paced. She hated pacing; it felt so unproductive, but sometimes, it was the only thing to do. The patio didn't offer a lot of room, and despite seeking immediate escape by fleeing outside when she heard Chakotay's arrival, Kathryn Janeway was not going to allow herself to just slink off and run away altogether. Despite recent history, it wasn't her style to avoid confrontations. She did, however, need a few minutes to pull herself together.

Moving carefully in front of the patio furniture, Kathryn's mind raced. Chakotay's presence in her life had often provoked her fight-or-flight instinct to kick in, but she'd rarely, if ever, chosen to flee. She'd often retreated to her ready room, knowing he'd pursue her, knowing she'd have just enough time to get her arguments together before he appeared with attempts to rationalize whatever desperate scheme she had concocted. She had relied on it. Relied on his timely appearance. Relished the thought of going toe to toe with him, confident that whatever compromise they worked out together would ultimately be better for everyone.

Kathryn stopped midway across the deck. Is that what she was doing now? Waiting for him to join her so she could find the best solution? She laughed darkly at herself. That's exactly what she was doing. The patio had just become her ready room. A place not completely disconnected from her friends and the rest of the world, but a small little section where she could put her armor back on, put the mask that she presented to the world back in place, and come out looking composed and confident.

But she was tired of the mask, and the armor she had worn for so many years had grown heavy. As captain, she'd needed it. The armor had protected her from disappointments, shielded her from attack, and held her up when she was at her weakest. And the mask...the mask had been a necessity. A crew had to believe that their leader, their captain was infallible, or at the very least undefeatable. They could never have been allowed to see her as hesitant or unsure about a course of action. She'd had to project confidence and strength in every predicament, or it could have all fallen apart.

And so long as she had been with Victor, she'd continued to need that mask. That armor. Those skills at self preservation that she had honed for seven years that had made her able to walk in front of others no matter the situation. Or again, it could have all fallen apart.

But she wasn't a captain anymore. Those same people that she had striven so hard to lead were now her friends. She no longer had to lead them. She could simply walk beside them, and she could allow them to see when she stumbled. Couldn't she?

The door to the house opened behind her, and she smiled faintly, still facing into the darkness of the yard. "Took you longer than I thought."

"I was waiting for the pacing to stop," Chakotay said, joining her near the patio railing.

His voice was full of warmth, and she turned to face him. "Hi."

"Hi," he grinned. The silence stretched between them for a few minutes, and then Chakotay turned and stared out into the yard. "Do you know what's worse than a very angry half-Klingon engineer?"

"That sounds like the start of a very bad joke," Kathryn deadpanned and saw the corner of his mouth turn upwards in a smile, but it was a very brief smile, and Kathryn braced herself. "What's worse?"

He kept his hands braced on the rail but turned his head towards her. "An angry half-Klingon that won't tell you why she's mad."

"She didn't tell you?"

"No." He moved so he was facing her. "She flat out refused to say and then proceeded to call me something in Klingon that I'm not sure I want to know." He watched as Kathryn ducked her head, smiling faintly. "She's your friend now, Kathryn. More so than she ever was before."

"I know." She looked towards the house. "I'm very fortunate."

Chakotay nodded. "So how are you, Kathryn?"

"I'm doing...okay," she said with a nod, her mouth curling into a smile at his reaction. "What?"

"Nothing," he replied, giving her an almost embarrassed smile. "That just sounded like a very...honest response."

"It was," she agreed, taking a seat on one of the lounge chairs. "It's a new thing I'm trying."

Chakotay laughed outright. "Honesty?"

"Yes."

He tugged on his ear. "How's it working out for you?"

She frowned. "It's harder than I imagined."

"Difficult?"

"Uncomfortable."

"It's refreshing."

"It's nerve wracking."

"I like it."

"Me too." The corner of her mouth quirked upwards into a half smile. "Sometimes."

He took a seat across from her. "Is this one of those times?"

"Maybe."

"Can I help?" He stretched out a hand, offering it to her to take.

She placed her hand in his, relishing the warm gentle pressure as his hand closed around hers. "You already have."

"How did I do that?"

She stared at their joined hands before looking into his eyes. "I broke up with Victor."

Chakotay didn't say anything; sensing that she needed to continue, he waited patiently.

"You were right," she admitted, her voice tight with emotion. "I didn't love him."

He wanted to say he was sorry, that he wished it had worked out for her, but he couldn't. If Victor was out of her life, he was happy. Kathryn's free hand wiped quickly under her eyes as she looked away from him, and he knew she didn't want him to see her tears. Chakotay rubbed his thumb in a circle over her palm. "I'm sorry you're upset about it. I never wanted you to be unhappy."

"I know." She nodded, and then looked at him with a little shrug. "The thing is...I'm not that upset."

He reached up to her face and brushed away a single tear with his thumb, letting his hand linger against her cheek. "I love you, Kathryn."

An emotional sobbed chuckle escaped her. "I love you, too."


Two hours later, Kathryn still had a smile on her face. She and Chakotay had talked for another hour before B'Elanna had stormed out the back door and onto the patio, looking as though she were ready to explode. But one glance at Kathryn and Chakotay's joined hands and the relaxed smiles on their faces had pulled her up short. Looking from one to the other, scrutinizing them both, she had finally given a curt nod and said, "Okay, then," before going back inside. Kathryn had laughed, feeling like a warp core breach had just been avoided. At his confused look, she had promised to explain to Chakotay the whole story another time.

After that, the two of them had gone back inside and watched the remainder of the poker game, which had dwindled down to just Tom and Christy playing for all the chips on the table. Within minutes, Christy had won, and everyone had begun to say their farewells, making promises to get together again soon, and for once, Kathryn had every intention of keeping the dates she'd set.

Chakotay had escorted her home, casually commenting on the quarters she had recently acquired for herself, and left her at the door. They'd kissed, a soft, warm, non-hurried goodnight that had left Kathryn humming and wishing he'd come inside, but all things being what they were, they'd decided tonight was not the night. There was no doubt on either of their parts that more would come, but one hour long chat on a patio was not how they finally wanted to start their relationship.

So he'd left, and Kathryn had closed the door. She'd taken a deep calming breath, trying to slow her racing pulse, and headed for the bedroom. She'd just gotten her shoes off and was brushing out her hair when the chime for the door sounded. Kathryn couldn't help but smile. He'd come back, and she was perfectly willing to forgo the slow start they had decided on. After all, eight years had been plenty enough time.

She crossed back into the living room, feeling like she was floating, and opened the door. "I say we forget all about..."

The words died in her throat as she found Victor standing in the doorway, staring coldly at her. Kathryn hadn't seen him the entire time month she'd been gone, but he looked as though he'd aged years. His usually curly hair looked greasy and unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked as though he hadn't eaten anything the entire time she'd been gone. Concern welled up in her at his appearance, but then a scent hit her nostrils. He reeked of alcohol, and she immediately stiffened. "Victor...what are you doing here?"

He didn't say anything, but she saw his arm raise towards her. She saw the phaser he held in his hand, pointed directly at her chest. Reflexively, she took a step back. Even if the phaser was on stun, at this close range it was really going to–

Kathryn felt her body fly backwards when the blast hit her. She felt the impact of the carpeted floor as her back slammed into it, pushing all the air from her lungs in a rush. The fire in her chest quickly spread as the energy from the blast traveled outwards along all her nerve endings. Her head lolled limply to center, and the last thing she saw was Victor standing over her with the phaser pointed down at her chest. Another blast of heat and bright light consumed her, and Kathryn knew nothing more.