Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!
By the way, what's up with the image manager thing? I figured that it was a book cover of some sort, but it's actually more like a mini avatar? Anyways, the picture I chose for this came from its namesake movie 5 Centimeters Per Second, which, by the way, I now finally own! After so much searching, cause I hate ordering online, I found it for sale at an anime convention! Anyways, that spurred on a Makoto Shinkai marathon which led to me guiltily updating very late again.
First paragraph is from Desperate Housewives and there are lines from Makoto Shinkai's Voices of a Distant Star and The Place Promised in Our Early Days tossed here and there.
Suggested Song: Be Still by The Fray
In a world full of darkness, we all need some kind of light. Whether it's a great flame that shows us how to win back what we've lost, or a power beacon intended to scare away potential monsters or a few glowing bulbs that reveal to us the hidden truth of our past. We all need something to help us get through the night, even if it's just the tiniest glimmer of hope.
Hope, it was such a human notion, in Izaya's opinion. He knew he had no tolerance for such wistful things and had never indulged in them either. He knew that was only because if he wanted something, he would get it for himself instead of relying on something so useless as hope. It wasn't that he was a pessimist, (which he wasn't, by the way), but, rather, it because of his need for control. Funny, how everything seemed to lead back to that tic. Deep down, Izaya knew that it was probably the main reason why he was so attached to Shizuo and why he was taking the disease so hard. Shizuo was his, and he wasn't ready to give him up just yet, even now as he counted down to the second of how long Shizuo's surgery took.
One hour, forty-three minutes and five seconds.
Shinra had been glad to announce that the procedure had gone extremely well and he had even finished it in a shorter amount of time compared to the approximate two hours eye surgery usually took. Izaya couldn't help but to wonder if Shinra had rushed it, much to the doctor's annoyance, but knew that Shizuo was in more than capable hands—or so he thought, until Shinra reluctantly admitted to Kasuka that he may have overdone it with the anesthetics.
It was an honest mistake that Kasuka could forgive, but Izaya wasn't so kind. He drilled Shinra down, making sure that Shizuo was alright and wouldn't die in his sleep or something just as morbid. Shinra seriously considered administering his leftover anesthetics to Izaya just to get him to calm down and back off, but the informant quieted down after Kasuka asked how long it would be before Shizuo would wake up.
Shinra explained that Shizuo was sleeping off the anesthetics, and it would be fine for them to see him, as long as they weren't rowdy. When Celty brought Shizuo out to transfer him into some place more comfortable, he was fast asleep with long white bandages covering his eyes. Izaya had a fear of seeing Shizuo's empty eye sockets when he came out. He had even portrayed Shinra as a mad scientist, imagining him as keeping Shizuo's lovely brown eyes preserved in a jar to keep forever. He would have peeled back the bandages to check if Shinra hadn't sharply reprimanded him for attempting to do so.
With Shizuo still asleep, Izaya and Kasuka stayed at his side faithfully while Shinra checked in every now and then to make sure he was alright. Finding the silence to be unbearable, Izaya made the mistake of asking Shinra how much he owed him for doing Shizuo's surgery.
"Excuse me?" Kasuka snapped, just now realizing that it had been Izaya who had paid for Shizuo's past medical treatments. "You've no right!" Money always seemed to make Kasuka a sour person, and in the past, Izaya would have found it quite amusing.
"Kasuka-kun, I did it for Shizuo expecting nothing in return," Izaya assured him.
"We don't want your money. I can cover all his expenses myself," he snarled, offended by Izaya's good deed. "It's already too much that you've funded his bucket list."
"I have more money than I need," Izaya answered stubbornly. "I'm glad to give it to somebody who needs it more."
"Then donate it to a charity because we're not one!" Kasuka hissed.
"Enough..." Shizuo whispered, laying a hand on his little brother's thigh to silence him. "I'm trying to sleep here," he added humorously as he mustered a weak smile.
"How are you feeling?" Izaya asked, reaching for Shizuo to make sure he was alright.
"My head hurts like hell, but I'll manage," he answered, hesitantly reaching up to touch the bandages that covered his eyes.
"I'm going to get Kishitani-san," Kasuka stated, and from his tone, Shizuo could tell that he was still upset with Izaya.
"For my brother's sake, don't pay for this," Shizuo pleaded softly. "I already owe you too much."
"You don't owe me anything," Izaya answered. "I want to do this for you, Shizu-chan."
"I know, but it makes Kasuka angry," he reasoned.
Izaya accepted this, for Shizuo's sake, and hesitantly asked, "Can I tell you now?"
"Hmm?" he hummed, confused by what he meant.
Izaya dismissed his confusion as grogginess from the anesthetics. "I love you, Shizuo. You told me to tell you when you're awake, and well, you're up now."
"I can't believe I forgot..." he murmured to himself with a frown. "Izaya, I love you, too."
When Kasuka returned with Shinra, the doctor carefully checked over him and peeled the bandages off his face. Much to Izaya's relief, Shizuo's eyes were still intact and in his head, but they seemed to have lost the light in them. They were pale blue and clouded over, and Shizuo quietly sobbed that all he could see was a deep black void.
"What am I going to do now?" Shizuo asked, hesitantly grabbing Shinra by the front of his coat as his eyes were checked to make sure that nothing had gone wrong with the surgery. To everyone's relief, there were no impending issues afterwards.
"We can get you a puppy," Shinra suggested lightly, trying to remain positive for his best friend. "He'll be your seeing-eye dog and we can go pick him out at the animal shelter."
Shizuo heard a fast clicking sound and it took him a second to realize it was Celty typing on her phone. Sensing his distress, Kasuka reached for the phone and hesitantly read out to him, "Kishitani-san, you do realize that seeing-eye dogs have to be trained first, right?"
"I guess I'm going to need a reader if I want to keep talking with you, Celty," Shizuo laughed wryly as Kasuka handed her back her phone.
"Unless she wrote in Braille!" Shinra exclaimed, knowing that his dearest Celty could do anything she put her mind to.
More rapid clicking and Kasuka warily read out, "Shizuo doesn't know how to read Braille either."
"I don't think I'll bother to learn, either," he commented sheepishly, and suddenly noticed how quiet Izaya was. He was sure the informant would have cracked a sarcastic comment towards Shinra's naïveté, but there seemed to only be silence on his end. Shizuo wondered what kind of expression he was making as he irritably snapped, "Izaya, stop staring at me."
He heard a shuffle, most likely Izaya being caught off-guard, and abashed, he cleared his throat. "Sorry," he stammered, looking away from Shizuo's pale blue eyes. It was weird for him to see them so empty and unresponsive when he had been so used to seeing them light up with rage.
"Hey, I'm going to be okay," Shizuo said, trying to assure him and stay positive as he blindly reached for him.
"For now," Izaya thought as he took Shizuo's hand and linked his pinky with his.
Surprisingly, Shizuo had adjusted well to losing his sight. He had a walking stick for when he was navigating Shinra's and Izaya's homes, and when he wasn't, his friends were his eyes. Kasuka insisted on being Shizuo's eyes for the most part and made sure to keep him at his side always. However, when his publicist demanded for him to make an appearance in Osaka, he grudgingly had to leave Shizuo in Izaya's care. Kasuka swore that he would be back, and he made Izaya promise that he would take care of Shizuo to the best of his capabilities.
Shizuo couldn't help but to be a little bit glad that his overbearing little brother had left for a little while and was glad to be alone with Izaya again. It seemed that he was well enough to stay at Izaya's home in Shinjuku, but Shinra asked for weekly visits and Celty always checked in every couple of days. Being the smart woman that she was, she had found an application that would speak whatever she typed and thus, solved the communication issue between her and Shizuo.
It felt strange for Izaya to have Shizuo live with him. He remembered that he had enforced his door with steel to keep the monster out, and now, all he wanted to do was to keep him in. Shizuo insisted that Izaya return to doing whatever it was he did for money, and Izaya knew that Shizuo was pushing him back to his old life, so that there would be something for him when this was all over.
Izaya made it a point to work at home while Shizuo listened to television programs, but every now and then, a pushy client needed him face-to-face. Shizuo had no problems staying by himself and each time Izaya returned, they would watch the sunset from his balcony. Or rather, Izaya watched the sunset while Shizuo closed his eyes and relaxed.
"Has the city changed since I've left?" Shizuo asked wistfully.
"The city hasn't changed at all," Izaya said. "Maybe the people are glad that their street signs aren't ripped out as much, but it's still the same old Ikebukuro that we both love and hate."
"And the sun?"
"It's... taking its time setting," Izaya answered, glancing to the red sunset over the city. Shinra and Celty's view was much better than his, and Izaya's paled in comparison. It just showed that there was so much that Izaya's money couldn't buy.
"I wish I could take my time," Shizuo commented, trying to recall what the sun looked like as the sky faded to black. He had never considered doing something so trivial as to watch the sun go down, but he remembered his lazy days in Hokkaido, eating popsicles with his father in the backyard, watching the sun go down. He wondered if the sunset looked the same in Ikebukuro as it did in Hokkaido. "Time is so generous to us, yet it's such a cruel thief!"
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Izaya answered, knowing that fate had always been so cruel to them both and the passage of time would never favor them. He was painfully aware of how brief their time together would be, but even so, he would never regret it and would cherish every single moment they shared together.
Shizuo smiled sadly and blindly felt around until he could link his pinky with Izaya's, a familiar gesture that seemed to calm the both of them. "I always had this feeling... The feeling that I'm losing something," he softly admitted to Izaya. "The world is really beautiful, but... it feels like it's just me who's drifting away from it."
"Where is this coming from?" Izaya asked, unsure if he should be concerned with Shizuo's odd thoughts. The clarity that came with an expiration date on life seemed to change everything about the way Shizuo was seeing things, and Izaya had to wonder if he had always been so perceptive.
"I had a dream, where I'm alone in an empty universe. In that dream, I'm alone. No matter how far I walk, nobody appears and I'm pained with loneliness. But as long as I don't lose hold of you and my memories, I think I might be able to keep a grip on reality in the future," he finished as he glanced in the direction of the cool wind blowing through his hair. "I shouldn't have told you that I didn't want to die."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Izaya demanded. "You're taking it back because you don't mean it? You don't want to grow old with me and watch the cherry blossoms again?"
"Shut up, you know I want that more than anything else, but I can't make promises that I can't keep. It's not fair to you," he whispered.
"You're cold," Izaya stated after a long pause.
"Am not," Shizuo responded with a frown. "You're the heartless one between us two."
"That wasn't what I was talking about, but thanks," the informant answered sarcastically as he brought Shizuo's ice cold hands to his lips, hoping to breathe some warmth back into them. The sun had gone down already and the cold night air seemed to be too much for Shizuo to handle. "You're freezing," he said, noting the slight shiver in Shizuo's body. Any longer and his lips would be turning blue for sure.
"I don't feel it," Shizuo said, wondering if his body had become as numb as his heart.
"It's late; you should probably get some rest before you over exhaust yourself again. You don't want to upset Kasuka-kun, right?" Izaya asked, knowing that the actor would be thoroughly displeased to find out Izaya couldn't keep his word. "Come on inside."
Blind and sick, Shizuo still remained stubborn and petulant, not wanting to go inside at all. He felt trapped, and confined within his own body, and it wasn't helping that he lacked the stamina to sit outside and watch the sunset without having something go wrong. For Izaya's sake, he obeyed, and trudged back into the warm apartment where Izaya led him back to the bed Celty had set up for him. Obediently, he lay down, but made sure to drag Izaya down with him. His embrace on Izaya tightened and with wandering fingers, he traced the outline of his hip.
"What are you doing?" Izaya questioned, pushing Shizuo's exploring hands away. Normally, he would welcome such groping, but the way the sick man was feeling him up was oddly different. His fingers lingered over Izaya's waist, as if he was memorizing the curve of his hip and he traced over it several times before repeating the same motions on his thigh.
"I'm trying to remember what you look like," Shizuo answered, eyes squeezed tight. "I don't remember the color of your eyes any more. It's like blood, isn't it? Or is it somewhere between scarlet and crimson, like the sunset?"
"Shh," Izaya answered, feeling his heart break in his chest as he leaned in and kissed Shizuo deeply. "It's carmine," he said, hoping his words would relieve him of his rising stress levels and panic. "It's a muddy color. Like blood soaking into dirt."
"You're not dirt," Shizuo replied, reaching up to cup his face as if he was trying to remember the expressions Izaya would make. "I wish I could see you."
"I wish you could see me, too," Izaya answered softly, reaching up to entwine his fingers with Shizuo's. Shizuo was silent for a moment, contemplating whether he wanted to tell Izaya what was on his mind and risk another long-winded argument or hold it in for the sake of having a moment of peace. Reading him easily, Izaya kissed him deeply and then hesitantly asked, "Shizu-chan, what are you thinking about?"
Shizuo seemed to be startled by Izaya's forward question and bit his lip, wondering how upset Izaya would be after he made his suggestion. "Izaya... I want you to move on."
Shizuo winced as he could feel Izaya tense in his arms and if he could see, there would either be a scowl or a hurt look on his face. In this case, it was a scowl. "I told you already that I'm in this with you until the end."
"I know, I know," he answered, pressing his fingers gently against Izaya's lips to silence him. "I meant after the end."
Shizuo's words hit him hard and Izaya swore he could hear his heart break at the realization that he would have to brave the world alone. "You don't mean that."
"But I do mean it," he replied. "Please, Izaya, promise me that after this is all over, you'll still be able to find happiness in your life."
"No! Never! There's nobody that could ever replace you. I wouldn't let them," the informant answered stubbornly.
"They don't have to replace me. They just have to make you happy," Shizuo said with a nod and weak smile. "Promise me this, please."
"I can't promise you that," he replied. "You can't expect me to give you my whole heart so willingly and then move on as if these past few months never existed. I love you, Shizuo, with my whole being, and you know I'd do anything for you, but this is too much. I can't honor this request."
"Izaya, you stubborn flea, I'm not asking you to replace me!" he clarified, trying to contain his temper. "I hate the thought of you with somebody else, but I'm just trying to get you to take your advice. You once said to let go of the past and not let it hinder your future. I'm only asking you to be happy after I'm gone and that you can find some semblance of peace."
"I was an idiot when I told you that. Don't leave me," Izaya begged, clutching at Shizuo's hands and looking into the pale blue of his blind eyes. "You promised that we'd watch the cherry blossoms together again. I promised to take you to a better place than that park! I don't break promises!"
"Then don't. Go without me and make sure to go every single year," Shizuo murmured, sleepily, thinking that maybe wishes really did come true and this moment just had to have been one. "Right now, we're just five centimeters apart. If only we can remain that way..."
Izaya didn't answer, unable to fathom a future without Shizuo. He knew the time between Shizuo and himself was growing shorter and shorter and with each breath he took, that future where Shizuo no longer existed was getting closer. Knowing this, Izaya made a goal to make his heart harder, colder, and stronger. The door that he knew and wanted would never open again, and he refused to knock on it eternally. He'd grow up and become an adult, and he was prepared to do it alone.
