Chapter 12: Two Steps Back
Victor woke at his usual early hour of the morning and gently disentangled his naked body from Yuuri's, then climbed out of bed, running his fingers through the messy strands of his hair. He took his time selecting his clothes, then took a long, hot shower and dressed before leaving his sleeping fiancé and Maccachin curled up in the bed, and heading to the dining room for an early breakfast. Hiroko was already waiting and wore an especially happy smile.
"Happy birthday, Vic-chan!" she greeted him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"Ah, thank you, Hiroko-san," Victor answered, smiling and hugging her back, "Is my father up yet?"
"I haven't heard him up and about yet, but he and Minako-san and Toshiya were up late, drinking and talking together."
"My father seems to like it here as much as I do," Victor chuckled, sitting down at the table.
His smile widened as Hiroko left for a moment, then returned with a plate of pancakes that had been decorated with fruit and whipped cream to look like a smiley face.
"That's so cute!" He laughed, "Thank you, Hiroko-san!"
"Oh, it's the least we can do for Vic-chan's special day. And it being Christmas here, you and Yuuri should go to the Christmas market later on to look at the decorations. Yuuri can show you how we celebrate Christmas here. I know you do things differently in Russia."
"But, it's good to see how Yuuri celebrates things too," Victor replied, digging into his meal.
Hiroko left him to go back to the kitchen and Victor pulled out his cell phone as he continued to eat alone.
I know Yuuri has been going through and taking care of communications for me. I've barely touched my phone at all since that night. I suppose it's time to let the world know I'm alive.
He checked his messages, then opened his Instagram to look over recent posts.
I should get in touch with Chris. It looked like he and Yuuri have been messaging a bit. I can tell Chris has been really worried.
Ah, Georgi really looks happy with his new girlfriend.
Yurio has been to visit Otabek's hometown. They sure look happy.
Does Mila have a new account?
He opened the message, then froze, staring.
I hope you are well, Victor. I don't know why you won't answer. I have something that belongs to you.
Victor shivered and his heart pounded painfully as he spotted a picture of a torn off button with tattered thread still attached.
The buttons on the shirt I was wearing were just like this one. I chose the shirt because the buttons had that pattern printed into them.
A sick feeling filled his insides as he read the rest of the message.
Don't worry. I'll give it back to you the next time I see you. Love, you know who.
He took a steadying breath and forwarded a copy of the message to the officer investigating the attack on him.
He probably did something so they can't figure out who he is, but…
He almost jumped out of his skin as Hiroko returned to the dining room and reached down to remove his emptied plate.
"Oh, sorry, Vic-chan, I didn't mean to startle you," Yuuri's mother apologized.
"It's okay," Victor managed, his voice shaking a little, "I was just…distracted."
"It's good to see you are talking to your friends again," Hiroko said kindly, "They have all been worried about you."
"I know. I'm letting them know I'm better."
"That's good. Do you want anything else, Vic-chan?"
"No, thank you."
He left the dining room and headed out the front door of the hot spring inn. Being just before sunrise, it was still a little dark and very quiet outside. Victor stood for a moment in the courtyard, his mind returning to the message and picture.
It doesn't have to really be him. Someone else probably had seen me wear that shirt before.
But doubts nagged at his mind.
But how would someone know I was wearing it that night. I did post some pictures, but..god, I don't know. I should stop thinking about it.
He started down the quiet street, but stopped after a moment, looking around as he though he heard footsteps behind him.
I can't be afraid of every little thing. Part of my recovery is being able to go places alone without feeling anxious over every little sound I hear or…
He continued down the street, heading towards the beach, where he ran along the edge of the water. He reached a bench that was placed on a little cliff, overlooking the water and sat down to rest for a few minutes.
I've hardly been alone for a moment since that night. Yuuri or someone has pretty much constantly been with me. I haven't been alone like this.
He got up off the bench and started to turn back, but found himself suddenly frozen as the sound of music playing, as though quite nearby, reached his ears.
It's that song.
It was on the speakers at the hotel in the garden where it happened.
Agonizing shards of ice seemed to stab at his insides and his heart raced madly, making his legs feel weak. His teeth clenched and he shook all over, barely managing to stumble back in the direction of the bench.
"Victor?"
He barely heard his father's voice and when Mischa's hand touched his arm, he jerked away, gasping.
"Victor, it's okay. It's a panic attack. Don't…don't back up anymore. You could fall."
He realized he had moved in the direction of the cliff.
"Just don't move anymore, okay?"
Victor swallowed hard, panting in distress and shivering as Mischa stood perfectly still, watching him closely.
"Victor, are you hearing me now?" Mischa asked.
He couldn't make a sound with his throat feeling so tight, but he nodded.
"Come back away from the edge," Mischa said calmly.
Victor turned back and practically dove into his father's offered embrace.
"S-sorry," he apologized shakily, "I don't know what happened. I wasn't going to jump off or anything. I just…"
"It's a panic attack," his father said reassuringly, "Your mother had them often, so I know what it looks like. It's okay. It's to be expected after what you've been through. Are you all right now?"
"I feel sick to my stomach," Victor managed.
"Let's sit down."
Mischa guided him to the bench and the two sat down. Victor leaned forward and put his face in his hands.
"It feels like my heart will jump out of my chest."
"I know. Try to slow down your breathing. Here, lean against me so we can do this together."
Victor complied quietly, closing his eyes and burying his face in his father's warm scarf on his shoulder.
"You hear the surf?" Mischa's voice rumbled in his ear, "Breathe in with the sound of it, and let it out as the waves crash. In as it builds up…out as it crashes. Just breathe with the sound of it. Let the tension run out of your body. It's all fine. You're safe. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I won't let it."
Victor voice refused to sound, but he nodded into Mischa's strong shoulder and rested silently, listening and breathing with the surf and taking in the soothing sound of the seagulls. Gradually, his body calmed, and when he felt steady enough again, he pulled free of his father and sat up straight, looking down at his feet.
"Sorry," he said again.
"You don't need to be."
"I must look pathetic," Victor sighed, closing his eyes and putting his face in his hands, leaning forward, "I still feel light-headed and sick to my stomach."
"It will pass. Don't worry about it. You know it's all to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about being perfectly human."
"I feel awful."
"Do you want me to get us a ride home or can you walk with me?"
"I don't think I can walk far like this."
"Okay."
Mischa made a quick call on his phone, then smiled encouragingly at his shaken son.
"Mari is coming to get us."
"Good."
Mischa smiled sadly.
"Are you feeling any better?" he asked.
"Some. I just feel shaky now, and still kind of sick."
"Do you know what triggered this, Victor?"
Victor sighed and ran his hands over his face.
"I got a disturbing Instagram message," he admitted, "I forwarded to the investigator and I wasn't really thinking about it, but it probably was what started everything. I kept feeling like I was being watched, and I heard footsteps behind me, then music from…from when it happened. I don't even know if the footsteps and music were real, or if I just imagined them."
"Don't worry about that."
"Don't worry about it?" Victor repeated, tears welling up at the corners of his eyes, "I may be hearing things, seeing things that aren't there…god knows what else! I'm not right in the head, and the worst part is, I know exactly what is happening and I can not control it! I can't stop it."
"Victor, you are doing fine."
"I don't feel fine!" Victor shouted, coming to his feet, "I feel like I've lost my mind, and I know I'm not making sense sometimes! I feel sick and weak and I shake all over if I just hear or see something that sets me off. How can you fucking look at me and say I'm doing fine? I'm not fine. I'm…"
Victor deflated completely as Mischa's arms wrapped tightly around him again.
"You are recovering from something horrible…something that most of the rest of us can't imagine. You are going to feel like this, and when I say that you are doing fine, I do not mean that there is nothing wrong. I mean that you are coping as well as anyone could be expected to under the circumstances. I should have made that more clear to you."
"L-like anything could be clear to me right now," Victor sobbed into his father's shoulder, "I feel like I'm barely functioning."
"At least you are functioning. Come, Mari is here, see?"
Victor let out a long breath, retreating into silence as let Mischa walk him back to the car and the two got in. To Victor's surprise, Yuuri was sitting in the back seat, fully dressed and wearing a calm, but serious expression. He said nothing at first, only offering his distressed fiancé a warm shoulder as Mischa climbed into the front of the car with Mari, and they started back to the house.
"You're not hurt?" Yuuri asked softly.
"No."
"Okay. I was worried when Mischa called."
"I'm okay," Victor assured him, "It was a panic attack. My counselor said they can happen after what happened."
"Yeah, the nurse back at the crisis center told me that too. How do you feel now?"
"Tired," Victor admitted wearily, "and still sick to my stomach."
"It's okay. The bed's turned down and Mom will have hot tea waiting for us. You can just rest and not do anything," Yuuri assured him.
"But we're supposed to go to the Christmas market later, and I know that there will be friends over for dinner tonight for my birthday."
"It's okay," Yuuri insisted, "Everyone knows that you may not feel up to that."
"Yuuri, I can't stop living, just because I have flashbacks and panic attacks," Victor argued.
"You're right," Yuuri agreed, "but you also can't push yourself to the point where you make things worse. We have to find the balance point and work from there, that's all I'm trying to do."
"I know," Victor sighed, running his hands over his face, "but I just want…all I want is to feel normal again and not freak out like a little child if I see or hear the wrong thing. Is that so much to ask?"
"I know it's frustrating," Yuuri said, hugging him tightly, "I live with anxiety every day. You, of all people, know that. And you never make me feel bad about it. Victor, give yourself a break. You don't have to take steps forward all of the time. You get to have bad days. You get to have panic attacks and flashbacks. Something really terrible happened to you!"
They left off talking as the car stopped in front of the inn. They were met at the front door by a worried looking Hiroko and quietly watchful Toshiya. Yuuri accompanied Victor into their bedroom, and the two undressed and put on soft night clothes, then sat in bed as Hiroko fussed over Victor for several minutes, then left the two alone.
Yuuri waited for several minutes, letting him settle before saying anything.
"Do you feel like talking about it?" he asked tentatively, "Like maybe what set things off?"
Victor picked up his phone from the nightstand and opened the message. Yuuri read it and stiffened as he looked at the picture of the button.
"I see why you were upset," he said worriedly, "Victor, you forwarded this to the police, right?"
"Yes. I don't know how much it will help, but I suppose any little thing could be important."
"That's not such a little thing."
"Well, it doesn't have to be the person who attacked me. It could be a smartass skating rival who was at the banquet and saw what I was wearing, and I did post pictures that night. I don't know if it will really be helpful."
Yuuri smiled sadly.
"Maybe you should get some rest now."
He pulled Victor to his shoulder and laid back against the pillows.
"You should be training," Victor chided him, "Nationals are coming up. We should both be training."
"Shh, it's your birthday today, so we can take a day off," Yuuri said, caressing his cheek, "Close your eyes. Just rest, Victor. Can you hear my heartbeat?"
"I always hear that…every night," Victor sighed, resting on Yuuri's chest, "It's the best sound in the world."
"Just listen to that, then, and feel better, okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you, Victor," Yuuri whispered, running his fingers through his fiancé's soft hair.
"Love you too," Victor said sleepily, "I don't know why I'm so tired."
"I always feel wiped out after a panic attack," Yuuri said reassuringly, "Just have a nap. I'm sure you'll feel better after. And if you are feeling better, we can still go to the Christmas market. We can have a traditional Japanese Christmas."
"What do you do for Christmas, Yuuri?" Victor asked.
"Well, it's a time for being kind to people, and it's a time for young lovers to go out and have fun together. It'll sound strange, but we eat fried chicken."
"Really?"
"Yeah. And lovers share what we call love cake. It's strawberry shortcake, but it's all sweet and colorful."
"I like the sound of that."
"Good. If you're feeling up to it later, then we can go out. They'll be having a fireworks display over the water, too."
"Really? That sounds like fun too."
"We'll do that later, then," Yuuri promised, petting Victor's hair.
The two smiled as Maccachin trotted into the room and jumped up on the bed, where he curled up against Victor other side. Surrounded by warmth, Victor drifted off to sleep.
