Healing Process
Chapter XII: Truth of the Heart's Deepest Desire
Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down don't you know
I tried so hard to love you in my way it's easy let it go...
Quinn Shepherd scrambled onto her mother's lap as she joined her parents in Derek's office.
"Hi mommy," Quinn said settling into her mother's arms.
Addison smiled and hugged the little girl, "Hey peanut, done with Harry Potter already?"
Quinn shook her head, red ringlets flying, "No we only got to the part when Harry finds the Mirror of Erised."
"I have no idea what that is."
Quinn rolled her eyes in a perfect imitation of Ava that said that everyone should know what this piece of the Harry Potter world was.
"Well what is it Quinn?" Derek asked looking at her and waiting for ultra serious explanation.
"The Mirror of Erised lets the person who looks at it see whatever they want. But it has to be the thing that they want the most."
"What would you see?"
Quinn contemplated this for a moment, "I would see us and Ava back home in New York." Then she looked at her parents. "After Ava is better can we go home?"
"Quinn, honey we live here now in Seattle," Addison said as Quinn looked up at her.
"But I want to go back to New York!"
"And we will," Derek said trying to defuse the situation. "To visit, but mommy and I work here now.
"But I like my friends and my school just the way they are."
"I know you do, but you'll like your new school here too. You'll make new friends and you can still talk to your old ones."
"I don't want to."
"We all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes sweetie," said Addison stroking her hair.
"What about Ava?"
"What about her?"
"Is she going to live here too?"
"That's up to Ava Quinn," Derek said. "She has to finish school, but Ava will come back in the summer."
"Why does Ava get to go back to New York and I don't?"
"Ava is old enough to take care of herself. But you're not, not yet. You need to stay here with us."
"Ava can take care of me."
"Yes, but that's not her job. Ava's job is to go to school just like you."
"But she likes taking care of me. She told me so."
"I know Ava likes to take care of you Quinn," Addison said with a small smile. "But it's time for you to be here with us. Don't you want to stay with us?"
"Yes but I want to go home to New York."
Adia I'm empty since
you left me trying to find a way
to carry on I search myself
and everyone to see
where we went wrong
The silver edges glinted in the early afternoon sunshine as Ava held the blade up to the light. Ava brought the razor blade to rest on the skin of her wrist atop the older marks of pain.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said a voice.
Ava looked up to see Mark standing just inside the room, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm checking on you of course."
"I don't need to be checked on by you."
"Call it habit but when I find a person vomiting blood in a bathroom I like to make sure that they're ok. Especially when that person happens to be someone who likes to ignore her own problems and then try to run from them when they're about to catch up with her," Mark said crossing over to her and taking the razor blade from her hand and a small pouch containing several more. He deposited them in his pocket.
"Hey!" Ava protested.
"You don't need them."
"Who do you think you are my therapist?"
"No, but I do know that this is a pretty shitty way to repay your parents after everything they've done for you."
"That's rich coming from the man who helped to tear them apart."
"Ok, I deserve that. But really Ava, what do you think you're doing?"
"That's none of your business."
"You've got way too much going for you to be cutting yourself with razor blades," he said tossing two newspapers on the bed.
Ava picked them up and scanned the headlines of The New York Times Arts & Leisure section which read "The Great Battle Begins. Two Major Dance Powerhouses go to War over Dancer." Below the headline, there was a picture of Ava, presumably taken from the photo shoot that she had consented to for her magazine interview a few months before and an article. The caption read, "Ava Shepherd, the next great American ballerina at her home in New York City.
"Oh my god," she whispered.
"They're fighting over you."
December 1993
"Close your eyes," Derek Shepherd said to his seven year-old niece as he guided her into an elevator with Addison at his side.
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see," Addison replied as the elevator closed and started its ascent.
A few minutes later, the elevator opened onto the lobby of Lincoln Center and they all stepped out.
"Can I open them now?" Ava asked becoming impatient.
"No, keep them closed."
Addison threw her fiancée a grin as they led the little girl into the theatre, the layers of tulle and silk of her white party dress rustling as she walked. Ava's hair was down in dark chestnut colored ringlets giving her an angelic-like appearance. When they got to their seats, Addison seated Ava in between herself and Derek.
"Now you can open your eyes," Derek whispered in Ava's ear.
Ava opened her eyes slowly and looked around, "Where are we?"
"Lincoln Center," Addison said and then handed her the program, which read "The New York Ballet presents Peter Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker."
Ava frowned, "What is this?"
"Why don't you see for yourself?" Derek said as the lights dimmed and the overture began to play.
At intermission, Derek and Addison stood off to the side having a glass of champagne while keeping Ava in their sights.
"Thank you for coming Derek," Addison said kissing him gently, the silk of her dark green sequined gown brushing against his traditional tuxedo.
He smiled, "You're welcome. Only for you would I actually go to the ballet."
"Come on you know you like it."
Derek thought for a moment, "Maybe just a little bit."
"Do you think Ava is enjoying herself?"
"I think so. This is a little girl's dream you know."
"I know. But I thought she looked a bit bored that's all."
"This is her first time in the theatre Addie. Just give her some time to take it in."
"Do you think we should tell her?"
"No, I don't want to get her hopes up yet. We still have to convince Kate that it's the right thing to do."
Addison nodded, "I just want to put this whole thing behind us. I want us to be able to get married in peace without the constant worry that the court might give Ava back to Kate. And I want to give Ava a permanent family."
"I do too and we will. But let's not worry about that tonight," he said pulling her to him and kissing her.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear.
"I love you too Addie, forever and a day."
A chime sounded signaling the end of intermission and Ava came over to them. Addison and Derek pulled apart and set the champagne glasses on the tray of a passing waiter.
"Are you ready to go in sweetheart?" Addison asked.
Ava nodded and Addison took her left hand and Derek her right and they walked back into the theatre.
When it was over, the lights in the house came up and everyone began to file out, but the trio stayed put.
"What did you think?" Derek asked.
Ava didn't respond at first, instead she just stared out at the stage in utter amazement. She could really say what she felt.
"Ava?" Addison said softly concerned.
Ava looked up at them both, a small smile crossing her face, "It was really good."
The couple smiled at each other and then looked at Ava, "We were afraid you didn't like it," Derek said.
"I loved it."
"We're glad that you did."
"I have a question though."
"What's the question?"
"Can I learn to do that?"
"To dance?" Ava nodded.
"I don't know," said Addison. "Learning how to be a ballerina isn't easy, it's a lot of hard work."
"I think I could do it."
"How about this? After Christmas, we'll see if we can find you a dance class and you can see if you like it?"
"Ok!" Ava said, her eyes lighting up with true happiness for the first time in a long time.
"Ok then."
'cause there's no one left to finger
there's no one here to blame
there's no one left to talk to honey
and there ain't no one to buy our innocence
'cause we are born innocent believe me Adia,
we are still innocent it's easy,
we all falter does it matter?
"Penny for your thoughts?" Derek whispered in Addison's ear as he came up behind her.
Addison startled, "Derek you scared me," she said looking at him.
"Sorry," he said kissing her cheek. "What are you thinking about?" He asked joining her on the bench in the hospital garden.
"Nothing," Addison said. "I was just thinking about what Quinn said earlier."
"Addie don't take it to heart. Quinn will adjust eventually."
"It's not that. I know Quinn will be fine. But since Ava's been here, I never thought that she would go back to New York."
"She has to at some point, at least to finish up school."
"I know, but if Ava does go back, she'll be on her own for the first time. She'll be living her own life."
"Yes but Ava will be living in a Central Park brownstone, not a dorm."
"It doesn't matter where she's going to be living. The point is that Ava will be officially leaving us." Addison paused, "And that scares me."
"For the moment, no one is going anywhere," Derek said pulling his wife to him and kissing her. "Let's just concentrate on getting our children better. Everything else is secondary. Now what do you say we go check in on Ava and then go get some dinner?"
"What about Quinn?"
"The last time I saw her, Quinn was playing hide and seek with Karev."
Addison laughed, "Now that is a sight I would love to see. But you do realize that we've officially pawned Quinn off on almost all of Bailey's interns over the last few days?"
"Yes I do realize that. But Bailey doesn't mind at all, in fact she even offered to baby-sit Quinn for us after this is all over. Apparently, our seven year-old has a talent for keeping them on their toes and whipping them into shape. Kind of like a certain other redhead I know."
Addison laughed, "Oh really?"
"Yes really."
Adia I thought we could make it
but I know I can't change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won't betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
"Have you told your parents yet?" Meredith asked Ava as she jotted some notes down in the younger woman's chart.
"No. I wanted to, but I was afraid of what they were going to say about it."
"Ava, I'm sure that they'll understand."
"I don't want them to be disappointed in me."
"They have every right to be, but they will forgive you."
"Dr. Grey what would your mother say if you had to tell her that?"
"I doubt she would have even noticed," Meredith said closing the chart and sitting on the bed. "My mother's first priority was always her patients and her work. She didn't have a lot of time for me. I would have loved to have a mom like yours. Both of your parents really care about you and your sister."
"Yeah, they do," Ava admitted.
"And they know that these last few months haven't been easy on either of you. I don't blame you for feeling like you had to take caffeine pills to keep up. You were under a lot of pressure. But you should tell them the truth Ava, don't let there be anymore secrets."
As if on cue, Addison and Derek walked through the door.
"Ava, how are you feeling?" Derek asked.
"Um…fine dad."
"Do you want me to stay while you talk Ava?" Meredith asked.
"No, that's ok. But thank you Dr. Grey for everything."
Meredith smiled, "You're welcome," she grabbed Ava's chart and just as she was about to leave she turned back. "Ava?"
"Yes?"
"Call me Meredith Dr. Grey makes me feel old."
Ava smiled, "Ok, Meredith," and with that Meredith left the room.
"What do you want to talk to us about butterfly?" Addison asked sitting on the bed. Derek chose to sit in a chair on the opposite side of Ava.
"I wanted to tell you why I tried to leave yesterday."
"Ok we're listening," said Derek.
Ava took a deep breath, "After Kate left yesterday I could tell that you had been fighting about it. And I was afraid that everything that you've worked on here would go away and you would get a divorce."
"Ava---"
"I'm not done," she said quietly. "That was only part of the reason why I left. I thought if I left, you wouldn't fight anymore. But I know that that isn't true." Ava looked down at the bed and swallowed hard. "This is so hard…..I did something really stupid at home, that I'm not proud of. But at the time it was necessary…" Ava said, her throat suddenly tightening and she looked up at both of her parents. "I was taking caffeine pills in order to get through my day. And yesterday, when my purse fell on the floor, the pill bottle was in my purse and it rolled under the bed. Dr Grey—Meredith found them and told Dr. Bailey. I—I overheard them talking about it in the hallway and I thought that they were going to tell you so I left."
"Ava, what did you think would happen?"
"I don't know I didn't think about that. I just knew I had to get out of here before---"
"Before the entire world as you knew it fell apart?" Addison finished for her.
"Yes."
"Your whole world won't cease to exist and we will not stop loving you just because you took caffeine pills," Addison said making eye contact with her daughter. "You made a bad choice yes, but that doesn't mean that we would ever stop loving you."
"It's not just that---"
"What is it then?" Derek asked coming over to Ava's side.
Ava picked up The Times, "It's this too. I have an image to uphold and an obligation to others."
Derek kissed her head, "And you'll still be able to do that. Ava, this is amazing if it is really true."
"It is I spoke with my agent this morning."
"You know, I distinctly remember this little girl who told me that she wanted to dance. I told her it would be a lot of hard work, but never did I imagine that your interest in dance would turn into this," Addison said. "We are so proud of you Ava and we're going to continue to help you learn how to get through school and through life. Just because you are technically an adult doesn't mean that we will stop being there for you."
"We will always be here for you Ava," Derek said hugging her. "That is a promise that we made the day we became a family remember?"
"Yes."
"Your mom and I made promises to each other the day we were married, but we also made them to you too. Family is forever and I want to make sure that you know that."
"I do."
"Good," said Derek.
"I have an idea, why don't I go get some takeout and when I get back maybe we can watch a movie?" Addison asked.
Ava grinned, "I'd like that."
"Ok, I will be back in a little bit then," Addison kissed Ava and Derek and then left the room.
"So," said Derek "You want to tell me more about that boyfriend of yours?"
"You mean ex-boyfriend. Xavier and I are over," she said her smile turning sad almost instantly. "He was using me."
Addison got off the elevator and walked across the lobby heading towards the main doors. She was intent on going to pick up takeout from a restaurant 10 minutes from the hospital. She was just about to walk out the door when someone called to her, the voice was very familiar and upon hearing it her stomach leapt.
"Addison."
Addison whirled around to face the voice, "Mark."
if you'd only let yourselfbelieve that we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it's easy, we all falter, does it matter?
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
'cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still it's easy,
we all falter ... but does it matter?
Lyrics- "Adia" Sarah McLachlan
R/R please!
