A/N: Well, you have been beyond patient, now haven't you? Well, I hope it's been worth it. I have handed this off to my Betas, but I just couldn't wait. So, here it is. :)
Chapter Twelve: Purgatory
I listen to the words you're saying
Words I'm fighting to believe
It's like I'm living from a distance
When you're out of reach
~ So Far Away by Red
You don't exist.
The words burned through me.
They were the only words I heard before I felt a burning prick on my arm and darkness engulfed me.
I struggled to open my eyes, despite the pain and effort it took to crack what I hoped was sand but knew that the greater chance of what had glued my eyes shut was in fact blood. The effort had been pointless. I was in the dark. At first I didn't know anything else, but eventually I realized I was in a cage, my arms and legs shackled to the bars. My jaw was stiff and sore with a taste on my tongue that I know too well and refuse to think about it. I know I am naked because I am cold and my shivering is not moving any fabric.
Cold, dark, and alone.
No, not alone. Not for long at least. I hope.
Gideon is out there. He will find me. He will find me and he will be pissed. Angry that I had run off, no doubt, but beyond that, angry because someone had done this to me. Angry because someone had taken me from him. Of all the things I know, I know how possessive he is. If someone dared tried to take anything away from him, they were earning a one way ticket to hell. For a moment, a brief speck of time I envied that person. Their hell would be warm and dry, not this cold damp hell I was in. And the fires of hell would lighten their day and night, not this... empty darkness.
I smiled in the dark as I realized my body was starting to relax. I was slipping back into the darkness. It was okay though. He would come, he would save me, and he would kill whoever had done this...
Pain!
I awoke screaming. Fire roared through my body. The wrist that had nearly been healed! The wrist that had suffered injury at Gideon's hands while he was tormented in his dreams. In his nightmares. The pain burned from the inside out. I don't know why it hurt more now, but fuck it hurts! I fight to breath through the pain and I realized it was coming from more places then just my wrist. I tried to not move, but even with every breath I felt my body rebelling from the agony. I was awash with so much pain I didn't notice I was slipping back into the darkness, away from the voice and the pain.
My throat burned from my screaming and the lack of any moisture. Surely if they wanted me to live so they could cause more pain they could give me some water. Some food. Something...
He doesn't care about you.
The words echoed in the darkness and anger rose through me as I climbed back into the world. He doesn't care about you? It was bullshit. Gideon cares about me. More then cares. He loves me. He loves me and he always has. Time, distance, even being rivals in the business world, none of it stopped his love for me. None of it!
We had both tried to stay separated, to move away from each other, to move on, but it didn't work. Everywhere I had turned, he was there. Always there. Always sending a dark glare at me across some restaurant during a business lunch, or across the aisle in some auction house. He was never alone, of course. Always with some beautiful woman. Some tall, thin, gorgeous model-esque type female who eyed him like he was some god of ancient times.
I knew. Of course I knew. I knew from the way they looked at him, awaited his every word, his every... command. I knew exactly what they were to him. And, I knew that no matter how thin or gorgeous or... docile they were, it didn't matter. He was there, within sight, and his eyes were on me, not them. Sure, maybe it was because he wanted what I wanted. He was going after what I was going after. Maybe. Maybe that's why he won some of our battles and took what company I had been going after or out bid me on that "replica" Faberge Egg...
Such a pretty egg, even if it was pink... I... wonder...
They'll never find you.
There is no light, only the cold darkness.
There is no heat, only the cold darkness.
There is no water to trickle down my throat, only the cold darkness.
There is no food to stave off the anger of my empty stomach, only the cold darkness.
There is no one to see me suffer, only the cold darkness.
He never loved you.
I don't want to think of the words or how they burn in my heart. I'm slipping. I am having trouble remembering which words were true and which weren't. I need to think, but how can I when the voice keeps going on? I can't focus on a thought and I knew that was because I hadn't eaten, or drank in... I don't know how long... I just have to hold on. I know the men in my life. I know how strong and determined they are. I just have to hold on a little longer. They will find me.
He used you-
I pulled my arm quickly, feeling the crunch of the bones squeeze together. The pain rips through me, the pain blinding me to the voice. Pain is the only thing that silences the damned voice so I welcome the pain as I cry in the dark.
My time is running short. My hunger is now just a deep ache and my parched throat has tightened beyond measure. Tears no longer flow from my eyes when I cry. My time is nearly up. I can't hold on much longer. Where is he?
He played you like a toy.
I bite through my swollen cheek, but it doesn't want to give me anything. My own blood is the only thing I have to drink, to keep myself alive, as little as it is. I pull on my shackles again, letting the pain surround me like a ward against evil. As I slip back into the dark abyss of my mind I try to focus on a memory. Something that is far different from the musty cellar of hell. A memory that shelters me in my mind and takes me far away from here. As I let go of the world one thought follows me; Find me.
It was winter break and the six of us chose to rent a cabin in the Appalachians. Corinne Monroe and her date Paul. He was a very nice, quiet and reserved ol' chap from Britain. Prim and proper and the farthest from a jock that Corinne could find. Jason and his girl of the month came along as well. He came with her, but when it was time to leave there was a different girl on his arm. I swore that he belonged to some dating club that delivered. All he would have to do is place a phone call and the next day there would be some new model in the kitchen wearing his shirt and nothing else. The last couple was Gideon and myself, of course.
Gideon and I took full advantage of the cabin's fireplaces, cuddling up together after long romantic walks in the freshly fallen snow. I loved those walks because we were alone, in the woods, with no teachers, students, friends, nothing to disturb us. And despite the fact that there were six of us in the cabin, we rarely saw anyone. Not that we would have stopped or changed our plans if someone did walk in on us. No, we used those cold walks for a very good reason. Afterwards we would use the excuse of "body heat" to warm each other up.
I was... in love.
I didn't believe it at the time, but I was. I don't know when it first happened, nor what he did to make me fall in love, but whatever it was, it worked. And I was in full denial. I couldn't be in love, not with my history. Not with my "run of bad luck". And most definitely not with what I know could happen if someone wanted to get to me. Gideon would be a prime target. Something I was unwilling to chance. But, oh that man... He could touch me from across the room. I would feel the hair on the back of my neck tingle and when I looked up, there he would be, casually watching me, his eyes ablaze with desire. When he looked at me like that... nothing else existed in the world. Nothing. Just him and me.
Gideon... oh Gideon. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I tried. I tried to be brave, to hold on... Momma, Poppa, take care of everyone. I am so sorry I left. I didn't do it to hurt you... Elliot, take care of them. Christian still needs you and Mia always will. I'll be waiting for you... at the dock... whenever you need to talk...
The voice is gone. The cold is gone. I feel different. Heavy. I can't move, but I don't want to. Am I... alive? How would I know? The darkness is still there, but the pain is... cloudy. I think it's still there, but I can't quite feel it. I no longer feel the hunger eating at me and I don't think I am thirsty. The darkness is still... here... it's folded around me... it's... comforting...
He is here.
I can smell him nearby.
I can hear the rasp of his voice.
Does he know I am near?
I try to turn to where I hear him, but I can't move. I try to call out, but can't make a sound. Am I in another hell? Am I dead and now, this is my "reward"? To be near, but not seen or heard? Trapped in purgatory? Forever cursed? I would rather suffer a thousand years in the cold dark hell then in one near those I love who don't know I am here. Please, not like this. Not like this...
He is near. I can feel him, hear his slow, steady breathing. I hear him muttering and I know that he is sleeping. Let him rest without a nightmare, I beg to which ever god will listen. His murmers calm and I take it as a sign that maybe someone is listening to my prayers. I still feel trapped, but not in a cage in a dank cell. No, this time it feels like my body is asleep and won't let me feel or move anything. I guess that's why I don't feel any pain, only numbness. No pain... but, there is... something... Something soft... it's... I don't know what it is... But I can feel it. Does this mean I am not dead? Did I... survive?
He is near. I can feel... his hand. It's... in mine! I can feel myself relax at that thought. I should move, try to call out to him. I should try to squeeze his hand... but I am so tired... I'll try. In a minute or two. Just need to gather... my strength...
"Do you know you drive me crazy sometimes?" I turned to him, and smiled. It was hours after we had made love. I was sated, content. He was too, despite his question. I could feel his fingers running lightly over my body, tracing invisble circles on my skin. I turned on to lay on my back, turning my head to face him. The moon was full and the night was crystal clear. The glow of the moon lit his features up, making him seem more ethereal then the sex fiend he is.
"Do I?"
"You know you do," He growled, teeth nipping at my shoulder. His hand cupped my breast, his thumb circling the nipple. His lips moved from my shoulder to the nipple he was teasing in a slow, smooth path of gentle kisses. "What do you want Sha? Name it. Anything. It's yours."
"No," I sighed. He groaned and rolled away from me, laying on his back and resting his arm over his eyes. I rolled onto my side, facing him, and curled up against him. I rested my hand on his perfectly sculpted chest, circling his nipple with my own fingertip. I could feel his strong heart thumping solidy beneath my touch.
"Why not?"
"You know why."
"I know your reasons, but I don't like it." It's the same. Every time. Every single tiime he asks and every time I have to say no. By now the answer sounds so sincere, it doesn't seem like a lie anymore. "I love you Sha."
He's never spoken truer words to me then those. I never, not once did I ever believe otherwise. Gideon Cross was not a man who gave his heart away easily. I have always cherished the fact that he had given it to me.
"We are so young-"
"Bull shit! Age doesn't matter. You know that."
"We don't know what we want in life." He lifted his head, lowering his arm to brace him up into the position. His eyes rolled at me and I looked away, not wanting to have to allow him to see into my soul. Not this late at night. I can't hide when I am so tired.
"I know what I want." He ran his fingers through my hair and down my cheek, cupping my chin. He turned my head to look at him. When I looked up into his eyes, they weren't angry or fierce. They were soft. "Don't you get it, Sha? Don't you see? When I'm with you everything... I'm..."
I waited, letting him have his moment. He always had a struggle with some things that he had never been able to voice. I know that something had happened to him in his life, something that he continues to struggle with. He has tried to talk about it, but whenever he does he can't find his words. He has nightmares and he never sleeps with me. Oh, we have sex, and we can talk to each other into the wee hours of the morning in bed together, but when he's ready for sleep, he insists he go to his own room. It's another reason why I tell him no. One day he will be ready. Ready to sleep with me, ready to talk to me. When that day comes, I know it will kill me if he gives those gifts to someone else.
"When we are together, things seem right. But Gideon, we aren't right.
He sat up so fast I nearly rolled of the bed. "What the hell does that mean!"
"It means that when we have locked everything else in the world out, that we are most content, most at ease with the world. Most... safe."
"And what the fuck is wrong with that?" His eyes were ablaze, fired up from within. The moonlight did nothing to soften his features, and even in this mood it made him seem all the more sexier.
"We have to live with the world, not apart from it."
"I... I don't want to share you with anyone." He ran a hand through his mussed hair. It always made me want to run my fingers though it when he did that. "I just want..."
"I know." I raised a hand to his cheek, his teeth paused in the grinding he was prone to do. In the late hour it was one thing the moonlight didn't show me. I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his jaw. "I love you, you know."
"Some times I wonder if you do." His blue eyes drilled into me, cracking my facade. He turned and wrapped his arms around me, enfolding me into his body as snuggly as he had enfolded me into his heart. "If you ever leave me, it will destroy me."
The words were whispered into my hair and they were as true for him as they were for me. I shivered at his declaration and he pulled me closer to him, protecting me from the future.
Turning my back on my family to protect them, to keep them safe had been hard. It had been the worst and hardest thing I had ever done. They were family. They were blood. They were the most important people in my life and I had turned away from them. Every attempt of theirs to try to communicate I had closed. I couldn't see them, talk to them, nothing. But, what if she came after Gideon? How could I protect him? How could I leave him? I shivered again, my mind fighting against the future possibilities and what it would do to him.
"What's wrong Sha?" I shrugged my shoulders, inhaling his deep musky scent. "It's okay. I'm here. You are safe."
I love you Sha. I won't leave you. I won't give up on you. You are safe and in my arms.
I know those words and cherish them more then anything. They weren't just words. Not when he says them. They were more then that. They were a promise. A vow. They were true and heartfelt and they were said by the man my heart belongs to.
Despite the words, though, something was amiss. Something wasn't right and I didn't feel right. I fought to open my eyes and see what was wrong. After a Herculean effort my vision showed that it was late, the room was quiet and dark save for some background beeping. The drapes from the only window in the room was pulled back and I could see him, standing there, somber and alone.
I watched him for a moment. He stood quietly, his hands against the glass, holding him up. He stood there, stoic and... sad. Even in this light I could see he was in pain and that the hurt was soul deep. So deep that my own heart ached for him.
"Baby, come back to bed." Saying those words took nearly all my energy. I was so tired. Tired and alone. I wanted to close my eyes again, but I wanted him near me more than that. I wanted to say "Come back to bed. I miss you" but I just didn't have the strength.
"Sha? Sha-baby? Are you awake?" Gideon. Oh how I wish I could answer him, but I was... just so... tired...
