Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! They really made me happy and gave me the courage to continue this story.
As you may have noticed. I jump in time a lot. Using flashbacks to explain what happened in the mean time. or feeling or expressions. I love angst. but I love a recovery story. But I am realistic that recovering from such a trauma as Maura went through takes time. I can't describe every day in their lives. So I will keep jumping. Not too much but I will do more jumps of weeks to show that it takes time to recover. I will dedicate more chapters to moments which I find important. Like this chapter.
Why are you asking yourself? is she explaining this? I got a message from someone who wondered why I jumped time and that it broke the flow of my story. she/he was very nice about it but I wanted to explain it here. So everyone would understand why I write this way.
Alright! Love feedback and lets go on with the story
P.S.: English is not my mother language and I have dyslexia so please be kind if you comment on my grammar or spelling. I just don't notice sometimes :)
In the time that Maura took to shower (exactly 30 minutes and 10 seconds long. Gently scrubbing the upper skin of her body, in the vain hope that she would feel clean after the shower). She ate herself up inside. Talk. Exchanging words, communication. To be asked to talk when you are in a romantic relationship meant bad news in many circumstances. Was Jane tired of her? Was she really a waste of time? They had told her often enough.
Or did Jane want to participate in sexual actions. Maura shivered at that. She wasn't ready for that. She didn't know if she would ever be ready for that. Sleeping next to Jane gave her a feeling of safety. Maura went over several studies in her head why she felt that way with Jane. But if Jane wanted sexual interactions she would have to back down. She would be a failure once again.
Maybe she could be able to 'man' up and give Jane what she needed. Maura mused over this while she put on some of her own cloths. It didn't feel right to put on Jane's cloths when they were going to talk about what a waste and failure she was. She anticipated that she would have to pack some bags and find a place of her own to stay.
Maura felt the tears will up in her eyes. She tried to push them down but she knew that this wouldn't be possible. Her body was exhausted, which meant she could not control many emotional responses from her body.
She quietly entered to find Jane busying with breakfast. Maura sat down and placed her hands on the tabletop. She examined her fingers with intent. They were still sore, but healing just fine. The tissue was sensitive and sometimes hurt. Like a lot of spots on her body.
She all forgot about Jane standing right before her while she slowly bend and stretched her fingers and tested her joints.
Jane softly placed a plate in front of Maura. She remembered what the doctor had told her when they were in the hospital with her love sleeping/unconscious. Doctor VanBerg had checked Maura all over, revealing old breaks that had healed over time. Most likely set by Maura herself. How all the bones in her fingers had been broken at one point or the other. How they had stomped on them with boots. How she had cracked ribs and a broken ankle. All had healed quite well before they had found her. Like they had been too harsh in the beginning of her capture and toned it down after a few months. VanBerg had treated most of the bruises but how he couldn't do a lot more for the young woman. How he had found traces of sexual abuse at which Jane had turned away and had to take a few minutes before composing herself again.
And now, here she was. Sitting before her. The love of her life gently bending her fingers to test them. She needed help. She needed help and Jane wasn't the one who could give it to her. She needed more than just Jane.
"Maura?" she said covering Maura's hand with her own. The doctor looked up and Jane noticed the tears. "Are you alright?" she asked, panic rising inside her as she noticed Maura wasn't wearing her cloths. In the last 3 weeks Maura rarely wore her own cloths. Was she planning on leaving Jane?
"I understand" she heard the woman in front of her whisper. Jane was completely thrown off. "What do you understand Maura?"
"That we can't go on like this anymore" Maura whispered. Jane sighed in relief. Alright maybe Maura just realised that she needed more help.
"Well, I do have some suggestions about that" she said smiling.
Maura just nodded and went to stand up. "I will go then..." she whispered.
"What?! No!" Jane called out in shock, quickly standing up and moving around the bar towards Maura. "I don't want you to go Maur. Never..."
Now Maura was confused. "But... but... you said we should talk. Which means bad news... you think I am a waste of time and want me to leave you. Or you want to participate in a sexual manner and I can't do that Jane. So the only option left is that I failed you and you want me to leave".
Tears had made their way to Jane's eyes and trickled down her cheeks. It made the wound in her heart just bigger and bleed heavier when she heart this. She was shaking her head while she chocked out her words. "No... No... Maura I don't... I don't think you are a waste of my time. And you didn't fail me... you won! Against all odds you are still alive and in my arms... you are the strongest most bravest woman in the whole world and god I love you for it. I don't ever want you to leave me again".
Maura was looking into her eyes intently. To make sure she wasn't being played with. She felt Jane's hand trembling as the dark haired woman hold onto her. She read the truth in Jane's eyes and sobbed. "I thought you didn't want me anymore. They said you would never want me again after what they did to me".
Jane let them to the couch and sat herself and Maura down. All the while shaking her head and trying to put all the love into her next words. "Maura I love you. I want you with me. By my side and in my arms. I. Love. You. Nothing that happened can ever change that. I would kill for you. I did kill for you. And I searched for you for over three years. I will never want you to leave. Maura Isles. I. Love. You. Please always remember that".
Maura was sobbing but held onto Jane with all her strength. She leant forward and moved into Jane's arms. "I love you too" she whispered through her tears.
They stayed like that for a while. Crying out their tears and feeling save in each other's arms. They slowly calmed down after a few hours.
"Maura" Jane said eventually. Maura looked up into Jane's eyes. "when I wanted to talk to you... I just wanted to see if you are open to some extra help from outside. It is clear you are dealing with a lot of trauma and suffered through so much.. I can't fix that. Believe me if I could I would. But I can't. I was going to suggest if you... were open to therapy. You need help. I think I even need help. We can't do this on our own. At least..." she swallowed. "I can't".
"Alright".
"you don't have to decide now... wait what?"
Maura smiled and intertwined their fingers. "You are right Jane. We can't do this by ourselves. Studies show that it would ruin our relationship and above all I don't want that. So yes I am up for help from outside. Although I am not sure I can leave this apartment yet. Everything outside scares me, I know that is irrational but it does. But I do recognize I need help".
Jane nodded and leaned down to place a kiss on Maura's head. "I am so glad that you are a genius sometimes smarty-pants. This would have been way harder if you had been my ma".
"well glad to be of service detective know-it-all" Maura said smiling up at Jane.
That smile... it just placed a stitch in Jane's heart... healing it just a tiny bit.
