The entire ride in Eren's car over, Levi had somehow managed to avoid puking all over the dashboard. It had truly been nothing short of a miracle. However, he was hanging onto his self-control by a thread, his stomach rolling and his voices threatening to explode and start screaming in his ear. In fact, to make things even worse, he could feel another depressive episode trying to creep up on him, and it only made his heart pound harder.
"Levi, seriously, my parents aren't that bad," Eren reassured him from the driver's seat, reaching over and placing a warm hand over Levi's clammy one laying on the armrest.
"I know, but…" he trailed off, "I just…this is new to me. I've never gotten close enough to someone to warrant meeting their parents. This is one cherry I haven't popped yet."
The boy laughed. "Aw babe, you don't have anything to worry about. I already told you, they know what you do for a living, so there's no surprise there. I even mentioned how we met, and they took it better than I thought. They trust me to make good decisions on who I date, and if it makes you feel better, my 'meet the parents' cherry is un-popped too. I haven't gotten involved enough with anyone to meet their parents, or for them to meet mine. So we can be nervous together, okay? And remember, I'll be there with you for the entirety of dinner if you need me."
He squeezed his hand comfortingly, and it gave Levi enough courage to take deep breaths and calm his thoughts just the tiniest bit, no small feat considering how badly they were trying to become chaotic, and not just from his own fear of course.
The moment they began pulling up the long, winding driveway, Levi felt his heart jump into his throat. Even just the white, perfectly paved driveway contrasting with the beautifully manicured lawn made him feel like there was no place for him there. Eren had told him that both of his parents were doctors and it was evident from the fact that all of their money had practically thrown up all over the lawn; there was practically a parking lot outside of their mansion, there were sprawling gardens for as far as Levi could see that he knew for a fact they didn't maintain on their own, the garage was bigger than his entire apartment complex, and their house rivaled The Dollhouse in size. It was crazy, and he was ready to jump ship. No way would Eren's parents approve of a little piece of shit hooker like him, ever.
When Eren stopped the car in the massive parking lot, he reassured him one more time, "I'll be fine. They already know what you do for a living, and they trust me to make good judgements on who I date. If I chose you, to them, it means you must be a good person."
Well, that made Levi feel the tiniest bit better. But there was one more thought nagging him. "Are they going to care that I'm a guy?"
The boy burst out laughing at that one, full on belly laugh that had him practically slapping his steering wheel in his mirth, before he finally calmed down enough to answer, "Levi, babe, we cross that bridge a long time ago with my parents. They don't care who I bring home as long as I'm happy at this point, they're just desperate for me to find someone because they don't want me ending up as a crazy old man who lives with a hundred cats by himself."
The dancer snorted. "Did it ever occur to them that you might find someone who wants to be crazy and old and surrounded by a hundred cats with you instead of trying to talk you out of it?"
A surge of affection swelled up in Eren, and he leaned over the console to peck Levi on the lips. "You're an angel."
Levi's answering shy smile in turn made him feel all giddy inside as he pushed his door open and got out of the car. He then made his way over to Levi's side, and was greeted with the odd sight of the older man with the car door open but not getting out, instead choosing to stare at the pavement.
"What's wrong?" Eren asked.
"I'm afraid to step on it, it's so clean," the dancer explained, and Eren relaxed. "Won't my dirty pleb feet soil the purity of Zeus' marble driveway?"
That sent the boy into another fit of laughter. Levi lit up; one of his favorite things was being able to make Eren laugh. Too many people found his sense of humor odd, either awkward or in bad taste, and he was glad Eren wasn't one of those.
Eren took his hand, still grinning ear to ear, and said, "Come on babydoll, it's all good. It might look like Zeus' house, but my parents act more like Demeter and Hades. My mom even has three little Chihuahuas. I think for Halloween this year I'll tell her to duck tape them together and tell everyone their costume is Cerberus."
Levi cracked up at that one. He then allowed him to lead him out of the car like he was a nineteenth century socialite being guided out of her horse drawn carriage. They walked up the driveway hand in hand, the dancer just trying to focus on breathing for the entire time. It seemed like in no time at all he was standing in front of the massive wooden doors, each one as tall as two of Levi stacked on top of each other, and Eren was ringing the doorbell that was so loud the dancer could feel it vibrating through his feet. They glanced at each other once again, Eren telling him that it was going to be alright and they'd love him, before the doors were finally flung open.
Standing there in the doorway with three small, yapping dogs running around her feet like wind-up toys set at maximum velocity and their tails wagging at a million miles an hour was a woman who surprisingly wore some of the tasteful clothes and jewelry Levi had ever seen on a wealthy person. Most women wore god awful designer clothes for the label, not for whether or not they looked good, and the same rules applied to their jewelry; they wore gaudy, over large earrings and necklaces that hurt Levi's ears and neck to look at. Yet Carla Jaeger, though she looked very nice, and it was clear those were real diamonds in her ears, she still appeared to be like any suburban housewife next door. Even though there was grey in her hair, she was still pretty, and she greeted them with an equally pretty blinding smile, Eren's exact smile. She reached up and hugged her taller son, greeting him with delight.
When she backed away, Eren gestured towards Levi and said, "So, yeah mom, this is Levi."
"Of course it is!" she declared with delight, and turned to him with the exuberance of a kindergartener.
"Pleased to meet you Mrs. Jaeger," Levi replied, and he held out a polite hand for her to shake.
"Aww!" his mother cooed. "What a polite, darling boy."
She then proceeded to bypass his hand entirely and wrap her around him, squeezing him so hard Levi knew he felt his spine crack. His breath left him in a pained groan he tried to suppress. Mercifully she didn't hold onto him for long, but before he could recover, she placed both hands on his cheeks and cupped his face rather firmly, enough that she was smushing his cheeks a little.
"What a little cutie pie you are, where have you been hiding?" she said. "Hmm, you have a good bone structure, your lymph nodes feel good too, you're a bit clammy though, are you feeling alright dear?"
From behind her, Eren rolled his eyes, saying, "Mom, we talked about this, he's not here for an appointment. Let him breathe please, he's already nervous enough."
Levi had completely frozen when Eren's mom took his face in her hands, having no idea what she was going to do. But he had to admit as she backed away, he found the whole thing rather amusing. At least so far she seemed to approve of him…or at least of his bone structure.
"Yes of course," she said. "Come on in you two, your dad is just finishing up dinner. So good to have you home for a bit, Eren. We all missed you, and so did the babies."
She shut the door behind them, and speaking of, suddenly all three Chihuahuas were hopping up their legs, bouncing on their hind feet and yipping for all they were worth. Naturally, they were all wearing little shirts and adorned with jewel studded collars; sapphires for Dexter and diamonds for Ruby and Bella. Of course they were. It made Levi thankful that all Eren put on Allastair was a simple store bought collar with a bell. Naturally, being the softy he was, Eren bent down and picked up one of them, cooing over the wriggling ball of fluff and letting it smother his face with kisses. To the ones on the floor still barking at Levi, he admonished them.
"Oh stop your yapping," he said. "Ugh, you guys are cute to visit but I'm so glad I don't have to put up with that noise at home."
Levi decided it might be wiser not to pet the barking ones and instead opted to pet Dexter, the one Eren was holding. To his relief, the dog let him pet him and even licked the tips of his fingers. He had to admit, their big eyes and big heads were kind of cute.
"In here!" they heard Eren's mom call from the kitchen
The boy set the dog on the floor and then turned his head towards Levi, before he gave him a comforting smile. "Ready?"
Levi took a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves and failing. He moved closer to Eren, their bodies gently touching, before the two of them walked into the adjacent room, the three dogs trotting in after them happily. Naturally, as nervous as he was, his voices were whispering in his ear, and he swore he heard an alarm going off somewhere. It was quiet now, but he had no idea that it would get louder as the evening on, and it was already making his anxiety spike. It was only made worse by the fact that he couldn't reach up and scrub his ears. Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut rapidly several times, lowering his head and trying to conceal his actions from Eren. However, he practically felt the boy's eyes burning holes in the side of his head. Or maybe they weren't; maybe it was just his paranoia that only seemed to be getting worse the longer he spent in this house.
However, when he actually got in the kitchen, some of his anxiety released when he saw the spread of food on the table; the Jaegers certainly spared no expense. Everything looked delicious and beautiful, and he was almost afraid to eat it. Carla was standing and speaking to the man Levi assumed was Eren's father. They both stopped and turned towards them with welcoming smiles on their faces when the two of them entered the kitchen.
"Here baby, help me put the last few dishes on the table?" Carla asked.
"Yeah, sure." Eren kissed Levi on the temple before going and helping his mom.
Grisha Jaeger then approached the younger man, and though he was as tall as Eren, Levi felt much smaller in front of him than he ever did in front of his son. He subconsciously brought his shoulders closer to his ears, shrinking in on himself, even more so when the other man said, "Levi, right?"
Automatically, the dancer answered, "Yes sir."
"You're a bit short, aren't you?" he pointed out.
Normally, a crack at his height would have made Levi bristle, but at the moment he was more likely to wet his pants than lash out. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would somehow silence the voices and the alarm growing louder in his head.
"Dad," Eren said warningly, a plate in each hand.
For some reason, Levi felt the need to apologize. "Yes sir, I'm sorry sir. My mom told me the reason I'm short is because of my dad. Or her. I don't know sir, I'm sorry."
At his response, Grisha snorted, and then broke out into laughter, throwing his head back and getting close enough to Levi to slap him on the back. He then wheezed, "That's a good one, oh Lord. Never heard someone apologize for their height before."
Levi joined in his laughter uncomfortably, though he felt the tiniest bit of relief. At least the danger seemed to have passed. Grisha then added, "Carla was right, your face does have good bone structure"-
"Dad!" Eren hissed, cutting him off. "Unnecessary, he's already ready to shit his pants, he doesn't need you freaking him out for no reason."
The dancer smirked at his words. And now that he was less nervous, he could actually get a good look at his boyfriend's father. If Eren had his mom's smile, it looked like he had inherited everything else from Grisha, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. The other doctor was a good looking man, and if this was what Eren was going to look like in thirty years, then Levi was in for a treat.
"Well Levi, it's nice to meet you," Grisha told him, his expression easy and more comforting now. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and said, "Well I hope you're hungry kid, because we went overboard. The second Eren told us he wanted to bring you over Carla and I went to the store and pretty much cleared the shelves on the grocery stores. We're probably going to have to roll you out of the house by the time the evening is out."
"Um…s-sure?" Levi replied, a little louder than he meant to, speaking over the voices subconsciously.
This, to his horror, gave Grisha pause. He placed his hand back on Levi's shoulder, regarding him carefully. "You alright?"
Unknown to the dancer, Eren was also looking at him with concern. Sure, Levi had spoken loudly sometimes when he was with him, but that was different; he was still tense, his face still doing little strange ticks as he fought the volume of the voices, trying so hard to appear like nothing was wrong in a place where he most certainly could not afford to let his illness show. Yet, in the home of two doctors and psychiatrist in training, he had never felt more exposed. When Levi assured his dad that he was fine, Eren believed him though, because he sounded very sincere. At the same time, he still felt somewhat uneasy.
Dinner was as good as could be expected, both the food and the company. Levi decided that despite how his voices were acting up, he could focus around that on occasion and enjoy the atmosphere of the Jaeger's home. He found that it gave him a feeling similar to the one when he stayed in Eren's apartment in that he felt very comfortable and safe, welcomed and wanted. The boy's parents cracked jokes with him and teased Eren relentlessly when they saw that it made Levi smile. The dogs circled around the chairs like sharks, hopping up on everyone's legs and fixing them with those huge, dark eyes, asking for a bite of steak. Naturally, Carla always seemed to give in and slip them a piece, and Levi couldn't help but follow along. The whole experience was topped off by Eren, who was sitting beside him, reaching under the table and laying his free hand over Levi's, squeezing it gently and once in a while fixing him with a proud look, like he was just happy over the fact that he seemed to be getting along with his parents. And the whole warm atmosphere made a warmth bloom in Levi's chest that quickly faded to a longing so strong that it took his breath away.
He wanted to belong to Eren's family.
He hadn't told his boyfriend yet, and thankfully Eren hadn't really asked, about what his life had been like before he was employed at The Dollhouse. All the boy knew was that his mother died when he had been a child. Therefore, he had never gotten the privilege to belong to a family, and more than anything, in that moment, he wanted to be part of this one. Perhaps he was looking at their life through a rosy lens, but he couldn't help it. After knowing darkness and despair for his entire life and thinking things would never get any better, he couldn't help but romanticize and cling to any bit of joy that came his way. This was no different. He knew he was being selfish, as being part of their lives meant he would only taint it, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he stayed for just a little while?
No, he could never. They were innocent, as Eren was. He was tainting all of them. He could see it in front of him, Eren and his parents, their skin turning grey, flesh shriveling up and threatening to fall off. The remaining food began to bubble, and the sound of the alarm in his head grew shrill. He felt nauseous, the fear beginning to rise in him so harshly and so abruptly that he couldn't hope to stop it.
"I-I'm sorry," he said hastily, rising from his chair, "I'll be back."
"Levi?" Eren immediately got up. "Are you alright?"
The dancer didn't reply, knowing that no matter what he said, or especially if he said he wasn't feeling good, all of them would most likely want to follow him. And yes, while he felt extremely nauseous and would be able to explain that away, he wouldn't be able to explain why he was scrubbing his ears so hard, why he was muttering to the voices on his way to the bathroom, or at least where he hoped the bathroom was. Luckily, there was one on the ground floor, and he made a beeline towards it, barely able to shut the door before he made it to the toilet.
Levi couldn't remember being this scared in a long time. He had been terrified before during when his hallucinations grew especially bad, but the added fear this time was from being found out. He couldn't believe that his head was acting up here, and all he could find himself begging in reply to the growls and snarls in his head was, Please not here and please not now, but of course they paid him no heed. They continued their taunts about what a horrible person he was, a murderer and a demon that deserved death. He swore he smelled the stench of decay somewhere, a sure sign that his mere presence in this house was causing something or someone to rot. Was Eren succumbing at last?
He sat there with his head hanging over the toilet for a minute or two, spitting into the bowl before the corpse smell eventually did him in, causing him to retch painfully. He gripped the bowl, wanting to be alone but at the same time internally begging for someone to come in and comfort him. He was so sick of being alone when he was in pain, and yet he knew it was all he was ever going to know.
"Please stop, please stop," he wheezed when the vomit stopped burning its way up for a moment. Tears were welling up in his eyes, eventually spilling over and running hot tracks down his cheeks. "I don't want this, I don't want this anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. God, please just let me die, I've had enough…"
You deserve to stay alive and suffer…death is too good for you. You're a terrible person, the lowest of the low.
You're going to send that boy to Hell.
"I know, I know I'm a demon…I know- the static is filling my head, it's all dead, and God is coming for me, just please"-
He was cut off by another wave of nausea and again he was spilling his guts into the toilet, wasting all the perfectly good food. He felt horrible, because Eren's parents had worked so hard on that. His tears spilled and spilled, and for some reason he just could not stop crying, and despite the voices taunting him wretchedly, he wanted Eren. Despite the fact that the alarm was practically splitting his head open and giving him a migraine, he wanted Eren's wrapped around him so tightly that he couldn't breathe. He wanted his balm for the terrible pain, his baby to shush and cuddle him while he could, before Levi destroyed him. And that selfish thought just reinforced what a terrible person he really was.
"Levi? You okay? Do you need some help?"
The dancer's entire body froze and a cold chill went down his spine. No, Eren could not come in here and see him like this, though he craved him at the same time. He couldn't, or it would all be over, and he wanted to hang onto the boy for as long as he could. He didn't trust himself to open his mouth and speak, though he had to. He heard the knob jiggling, and hastily forced himself to lie, hoping it would come out coherent.
"I'm o"- he cleared his throat, trying to cover up gibberish word that wanted to escape. He shook with the effort. "It's alright. The de- the sickness it's…I'm sick. I walk-working towards, um, I'm resting. Might have gotten it from work. Be out soon."
Eren paused, hand stopping on the handle. He was slightly confused by Levi's choice of words, but he supposed that made sense. Sometimes throwing up like that made one confused and their words came out jumbled. And he knew if he were in Levi's position, he knew he wouldn't want anyone seeing him either. He found himself nodding along, saying haltingly, "O-Okay. If you need me, I'll be out in the kitchen helping to clean up. There's cups up on the sink if you want to rinse out your mouth, and I know there's stuff to help settle your stomach in the medicine cabinet. When you come out we can go home, okay? And then I'll put you to bed?"
Levi's crying picked up, but he couldn't let Eren hear it. He held his hand against his mouth, trying to muffle the sounds. He only trusted himself to hum in acknowledgement, and when he heard Eren walk away, only then did he let himself go, holding his head in his hands, crying and begging the taunting to stop, and all the while praying his heart would spontaneously burst so that he could leave Eren and his beautiful, perfect family in peace at last.
000
When they finally made it home, Eren did exactly as he promised. Though Levi said he was feeling much better, the younger man still hovered around him, ready to assist him if needed. His head had calmed down considerably, but now it was left with a residual ache, and a niggling at the base of his skull that the attack wasn't over. This was merely the vanguard to something much worse, his gut told him, but he couldn't afford to dwell on that now. All he knew was that all of his limbs felt like rubber and his head was pounding, as if he had gotten drunk rather than sick. Therefore, he let Eren help him change his clothes into pajamas and brush his teeth before helping him into bed. He even got an ice pack for his head, the darling.
"Thank you baby," Levi murmured thickly, taking it and putting it on his forehead. And because he was already being terribly selfish that evening anyway, he added, "Can you stay for a bit please? I'm sorry, I know it's late"-
"Oh shush you," Eren waved him off. "It's fine. I'll stay."
He then lowered himself so that he was sitting on the bed, and Levi didn't hesitate to adjust himself so that his head was in his lap, trying to keep the ice pack from touching the boy's thighs. A surge of affection welled up in Eren's chest, and he began gently stroking down Levi's shoulder and side.
Levi whimpered quietly, not just from the panging in his head, but from the ache he felt in his heart. He told himself time and time again he didn't deserve Eren, but at that moment, as he had before, he just wanted to die. That was definitely something he deserved.
"Oh sweetie," Eren whispered. "I'm so sorry this happened."
Levi hastily assured him, "No, it's fine. I had a good time. Your parents are amazing…I just hoped they liked me."
He breathed a laugh. "Yes, they most certainly did. Not only are they over the moon over the fact that I found someone who makes me happy, but they're blown out of their asses that you're super cool, which of course you are."
Beneath the ice pack, though most of his face was obscured, Eren saw Levi smile.
The both of them were quiet for a bit, Eren just stroking his boyfriend's side, a loyal ray of light that quieted Lev's head at long last. He felt another wave of longing, and had to stifle another whimper. Instead, he snuggled down into the boy's lap a little more, wanting to cry from just how safe he felt, and how desperately he never wanted this feeling to go away.
"Thank you Eren," he murmured, "I don't remember the last time I felt this safe. And it's because of you and your family. I appreciate it more than I can say."
The boy paused, feeling like there was something more in Levi's words than he was letting on. He couldn't remember the last time they had felt this safe? What had happened before he had been employed by The Dollhouse? All he knew was that his mother was no longer alive, but that was it. So, he tentatively asked, "Levi, what do you mean? What happened before you met me?"
Levi took a deep breath, tightening his grip on the ice pack and he settled down a bit more. He had never told anyone the full story, and it wasn't a nice one to be sure. But he figured the events couldn't hurt him anymore, especially not with Eren by his side. So, after a few more beats of silence, he began.
"A lot of shit happened to me, Eren. I started off at pretty much the lowest point one can. I'm the kid of a prostitute, never knew who my dad was, because of course my mom doesn't either. She thinks it was one of her customers, but it could have been one of her boyfriends too. She loved me though, as much as a mom could. She was so different from the other prostitutes I'd see that had kids where they acted like burdens. She would have given me anything that was in her power to give, and tried to make everything magical and fun for me. No, we never had a lot of money, we moved around a lot, but she always tried to keep me in the same school for as long as she could. I made some friends sometimes, but she was my only constant friend. The only constant in my life at all was my mom, and I loved her more than anything. She had her own issues though. I know she did some drugs, and looking back on it now, I think she had some kind of bipolar disorder, but I don't know for sure. But we got through it when she'd go through her highs and lows, and she never hurt me on purpose. I was so lucky to have her…
"Then when I was still in elementary school, she got really sick, maybe from a disease she caught on the job. I never found out from what for sure though because we were too poor to afford a hospital stay, and we had no insurance or anything. So all I could do was take care of her as best I was able. But even though I sat by her day and night, there was nothing I could do, and she passed away in a bed in a hotel room.
"When the hotel staff found us, they called the police, and they picked me up. Put me into foster care after that. It was so miserable though, I got stuck with a couple of lawyers for foster parents, but they had some really rigid religious beliefs, and the instant I started showing signs of being gay, the care they had been showing before disappeared. They started ignoring me, though I preferred that to when they'd slap me or spew some really bigoted shit at me. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew they didn't want me there, so I booked it out of there. I was only eleven, and I guess they didn't really care enough to report me missing, because no cops ever came after me. I was really on my own from then on.
"After that, I mostly just lived on the streets. Went in and out of shelters and stuff. Spent a lot of nights cold and hungry, or scared, definitely not a part of my life I'd like to relive, since I almost died more than once. The only food I'd get was either out of garbage cans, or I'd trade sex for it. That was pretty much the only way I made money was with my body. You wouldn't believe the number of people that are willing to fuck a kid, it's so gross, but I got so used to it that it doesn't bother me anymore. And being a prostitute never bothered me either, because to me it was just another job, and it suited me just fine. I made it by like that for years, until I actually solicited Damien one night. It was a lucky break for me, because I guess he decided I had the right look for his club, and he invited me down for an interview.
"Been there for ten years now, and though I've had ups and downs, it's the only steady, legal job I've ever had. It's been as nice as it can be, because now I have a roof over my head and a steady supply of food. Petra was hired not too long after I was, and we became pretty good friends. I had someone that cared about me, and it was wonderful. And then I met you, and my life got infinitely better after that. I don't know, before then, I was just kinda going through life, but you gave me a purpose. I have something to look forward to every day, and I can't thank you enough for that. You mean so much to me Eren, and compared to what I went through, I never want to go back to those days again. I'd like to be a part of your life as long as you'll have me."
Eren was reeling after he finally went quiet. He couldn't believe the things Levi had said, and had said so matter of factly, as if he had been talking about the weather rather than some of the vilest things the boy had ever heard another person say. He couldn't help it; his eyes began to sting and tears welled up to spill over his cheeks. Levi looked up at him when he heard quiet, pitiful sobs coming from him, and his eyes widened with concern.
"No, oh God Eren no," he soothed, reaching up to place the backs of his fingers against his cheek. "I didn't tell you that to make you cry; I told you because you deserved to know, especially since I want to be with you for as long as I can, like I said."
Eren shook his head, and held his boyfriend's hand against his cheek. "No it's- I've never….Levi, you're so kind, so sweet, and I care about you so much, and I had no idea. I would have never guessed and- shit, you didn't deserve any of that. I'm so sorry. I- don't worry, you'll never have to live like that again. I won't let it happen. You're safe from now on, okay? You're okay now…"
The boy wanted to embrace him, but didn't want to jostle his head, so he just sat there, squeezing his hand. Levi rubbed his cheekbone with his thumb, murmuring that everything was alright, that he cared about Eren and he was right, everything was okay now.
However, Eren didn't give voice to one crucial worry of his. Levi had mentioned that his mother had some form of mental illness, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was rare that the children of those born with mental illness rarely came through unscathed. Combined with his odd behavior tonight, it got Eren to thinking. And the thoughts that he was having worried him terribly.
