Twelve: I'm okay.
Monday saw Hiccup once again at his grief counsellor's office, sitting self consciously in his chair and picking at a loose thread on his cuff as Anders looked at him.
"How are you?" he asked, seeing Hiccup looking less stressed than usual, though still unhappy. The auburn-haired man looked up.
"I'm okay," he said quietly. Anders paused and when nothing was forthcoming, he sighed.
"How has the week been?" he asked kindly as Hiccup shrugged.
"It's been okay," he said and counsellor bit his tongue waiting for the continuation. "I took your advice. I've got a Nanny now." Anders tilted his head.
"Oh?"
"She started on Friday," Hiccup revealed. "I mean, it was kind of a relief to have someone who could collect Hanna for once-well, without being half scared what Ruff would get up to. Don't get me wrong-she's a good person, but she is very free-spirited and she gets on really well with Hanna because I think she's about four as well…." Anders smiled. He had heard about Ruffnut several times and knew that Hiccup was very fond of the woman. "But the Nanny collected Hanna and made sure she ate and was safe."
"How is it, having a new person around?"
Hiccup paused.
"Strange," he admitted. "I mean, when I woke on Saturday, I thought something had happened to Hanna because I couldn't hear her trying to be quiet and instead she really was quiet. And then I raced down like an idiot, thinking she was ill and instead, she was in the kitchen with Astrid having something to eat and drawing. And I felt like a total muttonhead…"
"Well, it has only been you and Hanna since you lost Heather," Anders said quietly as Hiccup nodded absently.
"I mean, it was amazing on Friday night to have someone to talk to, an adult here rather than being on my own with my memories and a small child asleep upstairs…but at the same time, it felt very strange…"
"How?"
"Well, I was there with another woman, talking to her…and though it was amazing to not be alone with my memories, it also felt…wrong?"
"Why would it be wrong?" Anders asked him. Hiccup clasped his hands.
"Because Heather only died nine months ago and I shouldn't be happy," he said as the counsellor's eyes widened.
"Hiccup-we've spoken of this before," he said kindly. "You have every right to be happy." But Hiccup shook his head.
"No, I don't," he said stubbornly. "I mean, the fact that Heather is dead is my fault."
"I thought that she died as a complication of early pregnancy," Anders prompted but Hiccup gave a bitter smile.
"Well, when you think about it, that was definitely my fault," he reminded the other man. "It takes two to make a baby…"
"Precisely-two people," Anders told him calmly. "You and Heather. And there are ways to stop having a baby, if you wish. So how did you feel when you found out you were expecting a baby?" Hiccup's lips lifted in a small, nostalgic smile.
"We were overjoyed," he admitted. "I mean, we had thought that maybe we couldn't have a second. Heather caught for Hanna so easily…but then nothing happened. I mean, Hanna was a difficult birth and maybe it was Freya telling us that we should be grateful with what we had. But then it happened and Heather…her eyes were glowing with happiness and at that moment, I thought my life as complete." And then Hiccup bowed his head. "But it didn't last."
Anders quietly listened. He had never heard Hiccup open up this much and he wondered if having some stability, someone new in his home, was allowing him to consider what he had lost-and what he still had.
"She was about eight weeks when she said she wasn't feeling well," Hiccup explained. "We both thought it was just hormones-she had felt completely exhausted and sick and faint with Hanna. So I offered to stay or get the twins to come round but she smiled and said it was okay. She just wanted to get some rest while Hanna was in Nursery." And then his face fell. "I said goodbye to her. I said 'Love you' before I left. I never spoke to her again."
He sat forward, his hands clasped and eyes stricken.
"Go on."
"I got a panicked phone call from the Nursery half an hour after pick-up time that Hanna hadn't been collected. So I went straight there and then took her home-one of the benefits of owning your own company, I guess. And when we got home, I expected to find Heather asleep…but she was collapsed on the floor, her breathing harsh and her skin burning with fever. I called an ambulance and arranged for Ruff to have Hanna as I went to the hospital after my wife. She was admitted straight to Intensive Care, critically ill. The doctors told me that she had sepsis, a life-threatening infection. Apparently the pregnancy had weakened her immune system and made her vulnerable, As I sat there at her side, she miscarried. But it didn't help and she grew sicker and sicker, her blood pressure dropped and her heart stopped and they couldn't get her back. I watched her die. I watched her die."
His voice cracked and he covered his face with his hands, sobbing quietly as he recalled the images that haunted his nightmares. Finally, he calmed, feeling exhausted and weary.
"Sorry," he said but Anders poured him a glass of water.
"I am a counsellor. You come here and talk over whatever you want," he reminded Hiccup. Palming his face dry, the widower sighed.
"You know, Astrid said I needed counselling," Hiccup admitted wryly.
"The Nanny?" Hiccup nodded.
"Yeah-she's only known me for a couple of days and she can already tell," he confirmed. "She said she had found that counselling helped. It didn't take away the pin but helped come to terms loss."
"That is my job," Anders confirmed with a smile. "She sounds like a smart woman."
"She is," Hiccup said with a small smile. "Smart and beautiful and determined. I mean, she was the last to apply, just one the deadline date. I suspected her of being some kind of psychopath who would want me buried under the patio. If we had a patio. Which we don't, by the way. But in reality, she was the only one who was appointable. The others were…terrible. I mean Gothi applied."
"The Town Elder? Oh, she applies for everything. I shocked you even interviewed her-she never expects to be interviewed, you know…"
"I know now," Hiccup grumbled. "Of course, no one told me I was allowed not to interview her…" Anders sniggered.
"She applied for my secretary, a post which requires you to answer the phone and chat amiably to nervous clients," he revealed. "Of course, she is mute which makes her wholly unsuitable. Though I did see her to explain in person why I couldn't appoint her. She hit me on the head with that walking stick of hers and told me I was a muttonhead for even interviewing her…well, she wrote that down…"
"Sounds familiar…" Hiccup commented. "And then there was the gold-digger, Brandy, who was after my non-existent wealth and the post of 'Hiccup's wife' which was not on offer and probably never will be." Anders said nothing, filing the words for later. "And then there was Stella. Gods, she was insane!"
"How so?"
"No dolls, no toilet training, rabidly anti-men, vegan, wants not to force clothes on fragile little minds…"
"Does she know this is Berk? An island with a fifth season which is basically even-worse-winter? Where you freeze to death if you're outside at all, let alone naked?" Anders asked in surprise.
"Apparently not," Hiccup confirmed dryly. "She considers me an unfit person because I'm male, I eat meat, I allow Hanna to have the dolls she loves and I wasn't keen on her programme of chanting and visualisation to help Hanna get over her mother…"
"Oh my goodness," Anders commented, wincing.
"And then there was Miss Trunchbull…sorry, Bertha…" Hiccup continued.
"I think I can see where this is going…" Anders commented.
"And you'd be correct," Hiccup confirmed. "Absolute dictator. Hanna would be demanding the 'bad lady' was sent away within one day. As if asking Hanna to eat porridge with salt and meat with boiled vegetables would in any way work." Then he shrugged. "Though Astrid has already got her eating things that I never imagined I would see her try…" Anders smiled.
"I take it Astrid was the appointable one?" he checked, mentally counting the number of times Hiccup had mentioned her already. Reaching a number that was higher than anyone else he had mentioned in any of his sessions except Heather, he was unsurprised when Hiccup smiled.
"I mean, she cooks like a goddess, she looks like a goddess and she is smart and fierce and clever and funny and…" He sighed. "And I already like having her around." And then his face fell.
"And that's a problem?" Anders asked and Hiccup nodded.
"It's only been nine months since Heather died and…well, what must you think of me, moving another woman in already?" he asked in a voice filled with self-loathing.
"I think you're a widowed father who has employed a Nanny," Anders told him calmly. "You're struggling. Hiccup-but wise enough to listen to suggestions and have acted to make sure your child and you get the help you need."
"But I shouldn't need help," Hiccup argued, his eyes dark with hurt. "I'm a Viking!"
"You're human," Anders argued gently. "And you're hurting. You shouldn't feel guilty that you have taken steps to make sure that you can cope."
"But what if I get used to having Astrid there?" Hiccup asked wildly. "What if Heather thinks I am forgetting her?"
"I am sure she would never…"
"I mean, I am sure she is looking down on me and disappointed that I am already acting like I've moved on," Hiccup said stubbornly.
"Apart from the fact that you clearly aren't and are pathologically afraid of moving out of your pit of grief and despair? Hiccup, from what you have told me, Heather loved you and would want you to be happy," Anders told him gently.
"But I don't deserve to be!" Hiccup replied shortly.
"Everyone deserves happiness!"
"I don't. My wife is dead. And I told her that she was the love of my life, that I would never love anyone like her…" Hiccup said, his voice cracking. Ander shook his head.
"And you won't," he said. There was a pause and Hiccup looked up, his eyes shining with despair. "Because every love is unique. And one day, when you love again, that love will also be unique and it will not be like loving Heather-but it will be as real and valid as the love you and Heather shared."
"But what about Heather?" Hiccup asked, his voice vaguely hysterical. "I mean, she will be watching and she will think that I lied, that I have broken my vow to love her…"
"Till death do you part?" Anders checked. Hiccup shook his head.
"But it was meant to be forever!" he protested. "And I mean, what if I did fall in love again? What would happen to Heather? She would be waiting there for me in Valhalla and I turn up with another woman? When it wasn't her fault that she died? How-how is that fair-to either of them? I mean…I would be betraying her and I'm not sure I-I could ever do that and…" He covered his face and his breaths hitched raggedly. Anders sighed, gently resting a hand on a jerking shoulder.
"I cannot comment on your theological beliefs-that should be taken up with the Senior Priest of Odin," he said gently. "But consider this. If the Gods believe that there is such a thing as love and they allow you to fall in love again after you have lost a wife or husband or partner, then there is a reason for that. They wouldn't allow you to hurt one of the Honoured Dead or an innocent soul by your innocent actions in continuing to live after they were gone. So maybe there will be a way that your spirits can be together, happy and content." He smiled. "I am certain that interactions after you die are very different to those in the mortal world and that petty considerations and jealousies fade."
"Are you sure?" Hiccup asked hoarsely and Anders sighed.
"No one can be sure," he said honestly. "But that is the nature of Belief. You feel what is right, what is the truth that you understand and accept. And I suspect Belief is slightly different for everyone-including for Heather. But what I am certain about is that your wife Heather, the woman who loved you, wouldn't want you suffering and miserable for the rest of your life."
"I wish it had been me that had died," Hiccup muttered. Anders sighed, because this came up every time, though he was never concerned that Hiccup would ever act on his words. His daughter was a powerful anchor to life.
"Survivor guilt is a terrible thing but is incredibly common when one partner dies and the other survives," he said calmly and repeated the question he asked ever time. "But what do you have to live for?"
Hiccup clasped his hands tightly, his knuckles white against his skin. He was bowed forward, his elbows resting on his knees and eyes focussed on the opposite wall.
"Hanna," he said automatically.
"And…?"
"My friends would be pretty gutted if I died. And the business would fail, which would really affect Fishlegs and the other employees. And I guess my cousin may feel a bit sad. A very small bit…"
"Good…"
"And I would be letting Astrid down by ruining her first job…" Hiccup murmured absently. Anders blinked.
"Interesting," he commented as Hiccup looked up in shock.
"What?" he asked. Anders was smiling.
"That is the first new answer you have given me since we've been working together," the counsellor told him. Eyes widening, Hiccup froze..and then he nodded.
"Since she moved it, things have felt more…normal…" he admitted. "And she has lost a lot as well. I don't want to ruin her chance of moving on…"
"Or Hanna's life," Anders pressed as Hiccup inhaled sharply.
"I would never…" he began but Anders smiled.
"Hanna knows she lost her Mom," he reminded Hiccup. "And you will make sure she never forgets Heather. But she needs a female role model…and though I know your friend Ruff is a good person, she doesn't sound like a suitable role model for your child."
"Helheim, no-though I would never say it to Ruff's face," Hiccup admitted.
"I suspect she already knows," Anders told him. "How has she reacted to Astrid?" Hiccup smiled.
"I think she has already befriended her," he admitted. "I know she drove her home after Astrid met Hanna-and I am sure they had a talk along the way. Ruff is pretty direct so she will have satisfied herself that Astrid didn't mean me any harm-and I trust her verdict. She is pretty astute."
"Then maybe you should trust her judgement," Anders suggested. "You are almost talking about her as a friend already. See how your relationship-professionally and personally-develops." Hiccup shook his head immediately.
"She's my employee," Hiccup said instantly. "Any personal relationship would be wholly inappropriate…"
"A friendship is a personal relationship," Anders reminded him. "And many employees can become friends." Hiccup shrugged.
"Maybe," he murmured. "But nothing more. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready."
You keep telling yourself that, Anders thought privately. Because I think this Astrid has managed to crack that shield of grief you've wrapped yourself in…and that may mean you stand a chance of moving forward finally.
"One day, I think you will be," he said aloud. "All I ask is that you allow yourself to consider the possibility that one day, you can be happy. That you and Hanna deserve it." Opening his mouth to argue, Hiccup's shoulders slumped once more.
"Possibly," he conceded in an unconvinced voice. Then he checked his watch. "Thanks. That…helped." The counsellor sat back and smiled.
"You've made excellent progress today," he said as Hiccup rose, absently rubbed his face and frowned.
"All I did was talk," he admitted.
"And you were more honest, more open, than you have been in the last six months," he told Hiccup. "Grief is a normal thing, Hiccup. Everyone copes differently. Sometimes, people are able to rationalise, accept and move on. And others, the reaction is so intense, so extreme, that it is incredibly difficult to overcome and it takes little steps, chipping away at the mountain, to start to move forward."
"And I've managed a little step?" Hiccup asked wryly. Anders nodded.
"More like a giant stride forwards," Anders told him. Hiccup mimed a small fist-pump.
"Go me," he said sarcastically. And then he smiled. "But thanks, Anders. That did help." The counsellor smiled.
"Same time next week?"
"I'll be there."
