Chapter Twelve ~ Christmas for Peculiar Children
It would be my first Christmas without my family, although it had never been an affectionate holiday for me before, my parents usually slept through the day and only my grandmother would give me a present, so I was not expecting the lavish, overwhelming amount of warmth and love I received from the other children and our new nurse, whom we called Mama. Mama came in to wake Cleo and I up at seven o'clock in the morning, as fresh white snow fell softly outside our locked window. She had sweaters knitted for us, a gray one for Cleo, which was her favorite color; and a lime green sweater for me, the shade so bright and dazzling I pressed my face into the fuzzy threads just to smell and feel her love wash over me.
Mama had been my savior, nights I woke from bad dreams about Slappy, about the burning orphanage and the wallpaper curling away into flames and ash, it was her large, dark-skinned body I wrapped my arms around, listening to her sing me hush-a-byes as she petted my dry growing hair. Even Cleo would come and sit with us on my bed, hugging Mama too, and giving me the chocolate milkshake they ordered her to drink every evening before bed. I would return to the nightmare world in sleep, Slappy's melting face shown to me through a curtain of hissing fire, but deep in my heart I knew morning would come soon and the burning dreams would fade, and there would be Mama waiting to hold and soothe me.
She wasn't hostile or domineering like the other nurses, she fit so easily into our childish world, wanting to laugh with us, to tell us stories, to sneak in cookies and ice cream and then cradling Kevin Harvey to her chest after he had consumed too much sugar, keeping him quiet so none of us would get into trouble. Unlike the other nursemaids, she listened to our pain, she held us as we cried and wished to be elsewhere. At first, I was reluctant to tell her about Slappy, I had not spoken of him yet to any of the nurses. I knew that Mama did not believe me from the slanted gleam in her eye, but she listened to my story and clutched me tightly when I began to cry from missing Slappy so much.
"You girls really the only ones normal here, with hopes of some kind of future," Mama whispered to us one night after I had woke trembling and crying from another nightmare, Cleo sat at my back and braided my hair gingerly as I sipped the chocolate milkshake. "If you girls stop actin' so crazy, Cleo here need to eat a meal, maybe drink this milkshake for once, and little Carrie here," she squeezed me in her arms "need to stop believing dolls can talk to her!"
"Ooh, Slappy would be real mad if he heard you call him a doll!" I stuck my tongue out at her and then blew bubbles into the creamy shake.
"Is that so?" Mama glared at me but then her big white teeth shone as she smiled and tickled me, sending the milkshake dribbling down my hands. "Slappy would get mad at me? Well darling, I don't see him nowhere round here trying to defend himself, and if come near me I'd bust his skinny little head in two!"
I withdrew from her arms and fell into the pillow, my hands still sticky with chocolate. Mama knew instantly her words had hurt me and sighed, stroking her large hand across my braided hair, moving loose wisps behind my ears. "Little Carrie, I know you loved your toy very much, but you got to stop believing he's real, that he's coming back, because he's not ever coming back. If you want to get out of here, you got to stop talking that your dummy is alive!"
It hurt to have Mama's love but not her faith. How could she not believe me? I showed her the wedding ring, I showed her Slappy's card with the strange writing, the diamond heart brooch; all of his treasures I clung to. She shook her head at me like I had been the one to steal them and tucked me into bed. I began to remain in my nightmares, just so I could see Slappy, I let smoke decorate my lungs and watched my body as it caught fire, through the dreamy flames I searched for him and clasped his melting body to mine as we were scorched and burned away.
For our Christmas dinner we all wore our new knitted sweaters, each of us a fluffy colored creature excitedly woven round the table, Kevin Harvey was clothed in royal blue, which I knew to be his favorite. Mandy's rose colored sweater was taut over her stomach, pink was her beloved color, I smiled at her and she pointed to the roast beef that Mama had cooked for us. Alex's sweater was a rich, dark purple, huddled in a pool around his gaunt body. Cleo sat beside me, a fragile gray flower, and poured herself a glass of water while dumping her food onto Kevin Harvey's plate. I floated out of myself for a short while, no longer burdened or melancholy, and watched us together, my small peculiar family. The warmth in my heart exhausted me sweetly; I felt tears pierce my eyes, I could see the drops glittering.
"If only my daddy Slappy was here," Kevin Harvey said wishfully at my elbow, I drifted back into my body and looked upon him smiling. It was our favorite game to play, that Slappy and I were married and Kevin Harvey was our son. The little boy's eyes would soar and glow with life whenever we pretended Slappy was coming to rescue us. I could never tell him it wasn't true. I gathered him close to me like a rosebud and tickled his pink nose.
"Yes, your father is Slappy and he will come to take us away very soon!"
"This would be the perfect Christmas feast if it didn't have so many calories!" Cleo announced quite snottily when she saw my arms wrapped around Kevin Harvey. Mandy teasingly told her to shut up and flung a pea at her, which smashed greenly against the bare skin of her neck. Cleo screamed the juice would leak through her flesh and make her fat, and scooped up pasty mashed potatoes from my plate, chucking them at Mandy's new sweater. Kevin Harvey squeaked with overexcitement so I pulled him beneath the table, taking what was left of our plates, and we ate our Christmas dinner sheltered there while Cleo, Mandy and Alex had a food fight above us. The matrons said our ice skating field trip would be canceled but then Mama came and promised she would still take us. When we emerged from our hiding place the walls were streaked with green, yellow and brown gunk, Kevin Harvey ran over to lick the food-stained walls while all of us laughed.
"Ugh! Look at all of the calories seeping into my pores!" Cleo had removed her gray sweater; she wore only a thin white tank top which gripped her skeletal figure tightly, all of her bones decorated in nasty, runny morsels of food. I asked her once what's a calorie, she said a tiny invisible meaningless speck that actually means the entire world. Calories were her fixation; I had begun to understand that what she couldn't control about herself she measured in calories and fat and directed her fear towards any crumb that entered her mouth or remained on her plate.
"I'm gonna have to make three new sweaters for you naughty children!" Mama swooped down on us, we huddled under her wing as she led us away into the sitting room. There she read us Christmas fairytales and our eyelids drooped warmly, Kevin Harvey was draped across my lap sucking his thumb, while Cleo did her ghastly exercises in the corner. I knew she was listening to the story because her limbs did not work furiously, instead she raised her legs limply and dreamily until they were still over the soft floral rug.
Mama kept her promise and took us ice skating the day after Christmas. She also had knitted new sweaters for Cleo, Mandy and Alex; her poor fingers were bent and cramped with ache. Tiredly but with adoration in her heart she sat on a snowy bench and watched us all float around the frost-rimmed rink of ice. The trees were lacy with snow and frost, we were skaters gliding beneath the silent white sky, ice coating our noses and fingers and dreams. While I skated I thought of Slappy, and Doctor Richard, and Vanessa. The cold wind and sun on my face reminded me of them. Wherever they were, they had my love, no matter how lost I was I knew we would be together again. I pretended Slappy was watching and twirled for him, laughing madly to myself.
Cleo skidded to my side so we grabbed hands and spun around, Kevin Harvey joined our circle, Mandy and Alex skated by themselves, slowly and less gracefully. The sun glinted on the ice, kissing it; the pale white trees shimmered and whispered with cold secrets. I tossed my head back and clung tightly to Cleo and Kevin Harvey's frozen hands, I had never felt so happy or free. The white bliss of sunlight was so warm on my face, melting the edges of my chilly skin. It would last forever, wouldn't it?
