12

Spencer wasn't having the most fun he'd ever had. He was sitting in the dark, and it was very dark and suddenly chill with clouds moving fast and darkly over the moon. On his lap was a man who stank of blood and sweat. A man who kept going into strange shaking fits. A man who was talking to something under his breath, in his dreams. Spencer thought had it just been Floyd shuddering and having what Spencer thought was some kind of nightmare (or breakdown? Or death?) that he wouldn't have felt so creeped out by it. It was the wind blowing through the grass, the head laying on the ground with out a body attached to it, the corpse laying in the grass behind him… and somewhere not too far off there was another noise… something walking… Spencer thought that it was more than one thing, and though Floyd probably wouldn't have woken up if a bomb had gone off under him, Spencer still clung on tighter. He even reached out behind him and grabbed Sam's hand. He'd been sitting there for maybe ten minutes before he realised what he was doing. Spencer groaned. He wanted to let go of that hand again. Actually he wanted to stand up and start running through the grass with his mouth open and one long scream coming from it. It was that or stay sitting here like a maggot on a hook and wait for whatever that or those things were out there to come and get him.

Talking to Floyd and saying what he wanted to say without being interrupted was a virtual impossibility. Floyd always had some kind of snide comment to make or some quip which Floyd thought was oh so very amusing. Therefore during this time of darkness and in an attempt to forget the dead hand he was holding and the things out there moving around in the grass, Spencer opened up and confessed everything.

'I let him have me. I tried to fight him off, but really did I try hard enough? I'm still alive and so I suspect that I didn't. I know you don't want me to apologise for it, or at least not to say that I'm sorry. It happened. It's obviously not going to happen again. I hope that I'll never be in a situation like that again. The Sam thing… I was trying to protect him, Floyd. I was trying to keep Taki away from him, but that knife? Taki knew and Sam was gone before I could stand in the way. I would have. I hope you know that. If I'd been given the chance I would have taken that blade for him. Taki was just so… I don't know how to describe it… deluded? Insane? Or is that you I'm describing? He's not like you, or at least he wasn't like you. He had everything worked out in his head. Everything sorted and the correct boxes ticked but when things went wrong he just appeared not to know in which direction to move. I couldn't tell his moods…'

'It's those damned eyes of his… cant tell with that sort… They look like they're squinting at you even when they're not.'

Spencer let out a deep sigh. 'I thought you were sleeping. I wanted to talk and not be interrupted by you.'

'Sorry babes. Please carry on. Tell me how good it felt when he fucked you. Tell me what he did to you. Don't leave anything out.'

Another deep sigh. 'This is why I find it so difficult to express myself to you sometimes. It's not funny. Why do you have to make everything into some kind of joke? I thought that because of what appeared to be an outright betrayal that you'd not come looking for me, or at least if you did that you would kill me on sight.'

'Really? Look deeper into yourself, Spencer. Stop lying to yourself. You know I'd come for you. You knew I'd not kill you but I might have hurt you quite a bit.'

'Can I ask you something? And can I get a serious answer from you?'

'Sure, babes, if there's a serious answer available, I'll use it. Fire away.'

'If it had been me that Taki killed rather than Sam… would the outcome in that theme park have been any different?'

'Oh I would think so.'

'How?'

'I dunno. I just would think so.'

'Would you have killed Taki in retribution for killing me, as you did for Sam?'

Floyd coughed, ground his teeth and sniffed. 'I didn't kill Taki cos he killed Sam. I killed him because he did the most foul thing a man can do to another man. Worse that rape and worse than fucking their mother, sister, brother… or whoever… He violated me. He destroyed something in here.' Floyd placed a shaking finger on his forehead. 'That's why the pig died. Had he killed you and not Sam? I dunno babes. I really don't know if it would have made a whole lot of difference.'

'I see.' A spike of angry jealousy spread through Spencer so fast that it made the dark night spin in his head. He felt like getting up and jumping up and down on Floyd and shouting words he'd normally never use. Spencer found no need to express himself with foul language. He didn't think that it contributed towards conversation in a good way, but now? He felt the muscles in his body tighten and ready themselves to either batter Floyd to a pulp for being so thoughtless and insensitive or to run away. 'And can you explain to me what is going to happen now?' He suddenly remembered he was still holding Sam's hand and let go again… this time feeling no guilt.

'I'm going to try to sleep, but it's not easy when you're mouthing off all your inner angst. Can it wait?'

'Are you going to be alive in the morning?'

Floyd turned slightly so that he could look directly into Spencer's eyes. 'I don't know. But if I'm not then this confession or whatever it is wont need to be told and if I'm still alive then you can tell me then. You want absolute honesty from me? I don't know. I'm hurt. Those fucking weapons do big damage Spence. I cant heal this myself. I'll need time… maybe a lot of time. I don't know and I wont know if you don't just settle down and let the night pass and allow me to sleep.'

Spencer gave Floyd a quick kiss on the mouth. 'For a dying man you have a lot to say. You saved my life again today. Thank you. Now sleep and I'll stay quiet.'

And though Reid had tried his hardest not to feel like a jealous child, it was seeping through his bones as he sat there with Floyd snoring gently in his arms.

It was a horrible realisation… actually he'd realised it a long time ago, but now sitting here with Floyd obviously trusting him to keep him safe, with Sam laying slowly rotting behind him and with Taki's head nesting in the grass there was no reason to feel anything but some sort of sense of accomplishment. Spencer and Floyd had been living in peace. They had a nice home. They had routines and lives and then Sam came along and disturbed things. Sam took some of the attention that Spencer wanted all for himself and he didn't even appreciate it. Spencer wouldn't have gone so far as to say that he was glad that Sam had died. He'd not wish that on anyone… never… almost never, but he was glad he was gone. He was glad that he had Floyd to himself for a while. He was glad Taki was dead… that his head was no longer part of him. It wouldn't last though. Even when things were going beautifully something always stepped in and destroyed it. It used to be Floyd himself who couldn't behave for a day at a time. It had been Floyd in the past who had almost purposefully messed things up, but now it was Sam… always SAM! Spencer almost shouted the word aloud. Sam had at one time not even existed… then things between Floyd and Spencer had become calm, comfortable… boring? Safe? Routine? And Sam had appeared like a rash and the more you scratched at it the worse it became.

Spencer turned his head and looked at the place Sam was laying. He could only just see the dark of his clothing and the paleness of his face, hands, feet… and he knew that he should feel sorrow or at least feel some kind of negative emotion, but it was just relief and Spencer didn't much like himself for feeling that.

He'd tried to be his friend, hadn't he? He'd tried for Floyd's sake to reach out and be nice to him, but it was false. He could never like Sam. Nothing except Sam not being around, Sam never having existed… nothing but Floyd not wanting him anymore would please Spencer now. That surge of jealous hate filled him again. He looked away from Sam, rested his head on Floyd and closed his eyes.

As the sun was beginning to rise and the first mists of the morning swooped up from the damp grass, something touched the back of Spencer's neck.

It was a light touch. Like a sweeping caress. Spencer yelped in surprise, pushed Floyd off his lap and leapt to his feet. He spun around with fists ready to defend himself against what he assumed was Sam once again back from the dead and found himself staring at Taki's horse.

'Oh gods.' Spencer moaned. 'I nearly died.' He quickly checked that there was no headless Taki riding the beast and then stroked it gently on the nose. 'Have you never been told not to sneak up on people?' He asked with a smile on his face. 'Was it you creeping through the night out there? Was it you I could hear?' He looked around as saw the other two horses with heads down munching on grass. 'Well at least we have a quicker way home now.'

He conferred with Floyd who still seemed to be sleeping, but that was fine. At least Floyd wouldn't answer him back or get snappy with the decision Spencer had made. 'I'm going back up the slope…'

That was as far as he got. 'Are you indeed. And there I was thinking you didn't fuck the dead.'

'To get the tack for the horses…' Spencer carried on.

'Wow.' Floyd rolled over in the grass and grinned at Spencer.

'Wow? What's that meant to mean?'

'Just a strange place for a man to stuff his tack.'

'Are you feeling any better?' Spencer ignored Floyd's stupidity and knelt down next to him.

'Ah well no, not really. My left arm is completely dead, my right leg is sort of very painful… you know… I don't think I'll be able to help you, sorry babes. I'll just lay here with Taki and Sam and you go get the horse stuff. I'm not going anywhere.'

Spencer's eyes narrowed. 'I could do with some help.' He pressed.

Floyd took a hold of one of Spencer's hands. 'Babes, you're doing great. Go get the tack, get the horses ready, find a couple of bags we can put heads in…'

'Oh what?' Spencer got to his feet. 'What?'

'We cant leave them here. I have to take them with me.'

'I'm not leaving here with a couple of heads in a bag, and Sam's head is still attached! At least it was last night.'

'Was just thinking it might fall off. Never mind. Just go and get the fucking tack and get the horses ready. I'll wait here. Promise.'

'Go back to sleep.' Spencer snapped at Floyd. 'Or learn to shut up.' He quickly jumped back out of the way just in case Floyd was more able to move than he was making out, but Floyd ignored him and closed his eyes again. Such a temptation not to kick him between his legs… such a temptation, but he took two deep breaths…

'Hurry the fuck up. Stop breathing like that. I thought you were jerking off for a minute.'

Spencer left Floyd smirking in the grass and jogged up the small hill to where Taki had discarded the saddles and bridles. He didn't bother with the harnesses which Taki had used to hold his many weapons in place. There wouldn't be a need for that. One saddle and one bridle at a time, Spencer jogged back down the hill. He checked up on Floyd each time and each time Floyd didn't seem to have moved.

'How are you feeling?' A sweat drenched Spencer asked a contented looking Floyd who was laying on his back looking for pictures in the clouds.

'Feeling mighty terrible, to be honest.' He looked at Spencer and frowned. 'To be dishonest is much easier, can I do that? I'm going to be great Spencer. Everything is wonderful. Can you do me a great service though and grab a smoke out of my pocket and light it up for me? I'd also like you to prepare some skin I got a hold of yesterday, but that's taking liberties too far…' He paused and licked his lips. '… wrong pocket babes. That's the one with the hole in it.'

'You know, even when you're apparently on death's bed, you manage to revolt me?'

'Then I will die happy.' Floyd accepted the cheroot between his lips and winked at Spencer. 'Thanks sweets.'

After the horses were tacked up, Spencer walked over to Sam. Somehow in the night the front of Sam's small cotton jacket had come open again and exposed his left breast. Spencer gave a small shudder just looking at it. Not because it was a breast, and not even because it was Sam's, but because it was so horribly bruised and bitten… and now those wounds were turning a quite nasty black hue. Reid leaned down and wondered only briefly how that had become exposed in the night and covered him up again. He then stood and prodded him carefully with his toe. He half expected to hear Sam's bitching, whining voice telling him to quit prodding him. But nothing happened. Floyd was waving his hand in front of his face making the smoke drift away faster and was showing no signs that he was going to help or was bothered that Spencer was touching Sam and so again with a heavy heart and more than a bit of annoyance he picked up the cold slightly stiff Sam and placed him over the saddle much like he'd been when Spencer had knocked him out… when had that been? Yesterday? The day before? He couldn't remember now. It seemed like a life time away and he guessed for Sam it was.

He secured Sam into place and then picked up Floyd's backpack.

'And where are you going with my world?' Floyd asked Spencer.

'Your world? I suppose it is. I'm going to stick the head in it.'

'Nice.'

'Well you have a better idea? I'd love to hear it if you do.'

'Spencer! For fuck's sake! I'm about dead here, trying to stay awake and alive and all you can do is bitch at me. I saw you, by the way. I was watching…'

Reid dropped the pack back into the grass. 'I give up. I really do. I'm trying my best here. I'm trying to get us all out of his place and my mind is spinning with everything that's happened. You might have forgotten but that man raped me, Floyd. I stood and saw Sam die. I was scared out of my mind… you're covered in blood. There's a dead body over a horse, a head in the grass and you… you're moaning that I might dare put something in your bag you don't want there. If you don't like it… Well… I don't know…! I don't know any more. I cant carry on with this Floyd! I need some help. I don't know what to do. I don't know where we are meant to be going. We cant ride back into civilization with a body on the back of a horse and a head in a bag!'

'Calm the fuck down.' Floyd pushed up onto one elbow.

'No! I wont calm down! I cant calm down! I've got a week's worth of adrenaline pumping through my veins and my voices… they… they're screaming at me! Floyd I'm going… no! I've gone… I've lost my mind and this time I don't think I'm going to find a way back again. I cant do this any more. I cant do THIS!'

Floyd had now managed to crawl to one knee and was leaning forwards looking at Spencer. 'Hey, babes. You've not lost you're mind. Just sit and take deep breaths. It's going to work out. I'm just a touch grumpy and I'm in pain and I'm sort of sad… Just relax a minute and sit.'

'If I didn't love you, I would mount that horse and just leave. I'd get out of here and ride away and never come back again. Never see you, not be bothered about Sam or what happens to him, but for some odd reason I do love you, Floyd. I do! And this is just breaking me! I cant take this.'

'Then come here. Sit with me. Let me hold you. You've done well. You've dealt with a hell of a lot recently. You have no idea of the insane fury I felt when you were taken. It was as though my soul had been torn from me. I never want to feel that again Spencer. Please, sit with me.'

'So you can mock me? So that you can torment and…' Spencer rubbed at his eyes with his finger tips. '… I was so damned scared Floyd. I didn't know if I should have given him what he wanted or fight him off. I didn't know if I should comfort Sam or leave him. I didn't know what I should have been doing and that's wrong. I should have known. I should have been able to control…'

'Hush and sit.' Floyd sat back on his butt and put a hand out to Spencer. 'Please Spencer. Sit. I promise I'll not mock you. There a promise. One I will keep.'

'I don't know that I can sit. I think if I try to keep still I'll explode or something. Floyd, did you touch Sam in the night. Did you… did you interfere with his clothing?'

Floyd slowly shook his head. 'No babes. No I didn't. You think I screwed Sam? Is that your problem?'

'No… no, It never occurred to me that you would have. Someone exposed him…' Spencer went to his knees in front of Floyd and pointed to his own chest.'

'He was flashing his tits? It wasn't me Spencer. Honestly babes, wasn't me. That's interesting though, but it might just be body gasses? Does that happen?'

'Maybe, I don't know. Maybe… I took his hand last night. Perhaps I pulled on the clothing when I did that.'

'Surely that's the answer. Now talk to me and tell me what else.'

'I cant go back to the BAU, Floyd. I cant. I don't want that life anymore and this here has shown me further that I cant. I don't want my life to be surrounded by the dead calling out for help. I need to help… I need to reach out and find them peace if you understand that? I want to do that, but I cant… it's going to destroy me… it's already deadened a part of me. I've seen so much that it's just routine, another dead thing, another puzzle and it shouldn't be like that. It's as though part of me inside is so cold. I try to show empathy and sometimes it works but it is just a show. It's another little game to play. I hate felling like that. I should he horrified when a new case is shown, I shouldn't feel excitement and I shouldn't feel just a cold nothing.'

'OK. You don't want to work for the BAU, but there's other departments. You could still be a Fed. Organised crime or something? Drugs? Maybe not drugs… but something else? Or are you thinking of a complete career change?'

'I was thinking, in my stupidity of being a kept man. At least for a short while, to get my head together. To sort things out inside of here, because I feel I'm falling apart Floyd. I cant go on like this. I cant keep being abused and treated like this in my daily life and then go to work and see it there too. I cant do it any more.'

'A kept man? You want me to keep you? I'm virtually doing that already and I'm happy to continue to do that Spence, if that's what you truly want, but I don't want you throwing it back in my face in ten years time telling me that I stopped you from having a career and a life.'

And Spencer cried. Not just tears down his cheeks, but huge sobbing chest shuddering sobs. He would have made Sam proud. He clung hold of Floyd and got tears on his shoulder and maybe some snot in places, but Floyd didn't seem to mind. He placed a hand on Spencer's back and looked confused. 'Hey…' He could cope with Sam crying… you could just slap him out of it, but Spencer crying was a bit harder to take. 'It's going to be Ok babes. Together we'll sort it.' But Spencer's howls continued. 'I don't know what you want me to say Spencer. What do you need? I'll do anything, you know that… Spencer?'

'Ten years.' Reid sobbed out.

The words were lost on Floyd though.

It was probably another hour before Reid had pulled himself together enough to finish getting the horses ready. Floyd asked for a hand up onto the horse. He was limping pretty seriously and Spencer could see fresh blood on Floyd's arm too. All very bad signs. But Floyd had promised him at least ten more years. He therefore couldn't die. What Spencer did was kneel with his hands on the ground, next to the horse.

'I'm not going to step on your back Spencer.'

'You are.'

'Spencer, for fuck's sake! Get the fuck up. Just lace your fingers, I'm not going to…'

'Please.'

'Why?'

'Because you're bleeding again and I don't think you'll manage to get on the horse and not cause further damage if you don't use my back, so please just do it. I don't want another corpse to carry into town with us.'

'Fuck me sideways.' Floyd muttered. 'Spencer, I'm not going to die on you.'

'No you're not. I'm going to make sure of that. You will step onto my back and mount the horse. Please.'

Floyd was thinking that Spencer's insanity plea might actually be more accurate than he'd believed. The man had obviously lost his marbles at some point. Maybe they were sucked out of his dick by Taki.

'Did Taki give you a blow?' Floyd asked as he adjusted the stirrups.

'No… why?'

'Just wondered.' There must be another reason Spencer was acting this way then. 'I might fall off at some point. My balance seems a bit off.'

'Then we will go slowly.'

'Yes… And I will discuss the Sam matter with you, because I think it's important that we get that out of the way before I'm able to lash out and kill you for being an insensitive arsehole.'

o-o-o

'Sam's had it in for you since you pulverised his face.' Floyd started. 'Not that it was your fault completely. That's totally irrelevant though. Doesn't matter whose fault it was. Then there was the incident in the bunker. I led Sam to believe that we would move on, the three of us. I lied to him. I left him there to die. So then he had it in for me too. Though personally I think he deserved that treatment.' Floyd paused to give Spencer a chance to interrupt him, but when only silence happened, he carried on. 'When Sam went back that time he went alone in every way. The bond I'd had because he was my dog had been destroyed. He had no master. Taki took him on as his. You know what happened after that. I don't need to tell you the whole story, but… Sam returned to me. He came back to me when he defied Taki, who'd not been treating him very nicely, and stole the knife. Therefore this time Sam will go back once again as my dog. But there still lies the twist that he is also Taki's dog. Now… I have Taki's head. I took other bits too…'

Now Spencer interrupted. 'What other bits?'

'Well I thought I'd remove from him all parts which were used to harm you and Sam. I took his mind, his brain… I took his hands, and I took his genitals. Usually this wouldn't matter, dead is obviously dead and taking the head is the final act. Take the head and usually there's no coming back from it, though not always. There's a chance that Taki can plead his case some how and be permitted another go, but he will start at the bottom rung again. He will be someone's dog. I don't think even if that happens that it's going to be too much of a problem. Now Sam cant be owned by two of us, so my claim on him will be that I out rank Taki, whether he's alive or dead, I still outrank the fucker. So now what I have to do is go back and request his return.'

'Oh.'

'That's a problem with you?'

'I wanted time just the two of us.'

'But you see that cant really happen. I bonded Sam to you also.'

'So I was informed. Thank you for that. It would have been nice for you to have asked.'

'Life insurance of a sort. If I die, you wont if Sam is still alive. Sam wont die if I die and you are still around.'

'I've got a headache.'

'Do you understand what I'm saying?'

'I understand that you've made my brain hurt.'

'Spencer… The apartment will still be paid for. The bills will be paid. It's going to be temporary.'

'No.. No! Floyd…'

'Temporary… just for a short while. I have to go back and recover Sam.'

'You are saying that you're going to die?'

'I'm going to go with Sam and the head. I will be back. You know I will be back.'

'NO! Floyd you're talking crazy. You'll recover from the wounds. You'll get better again. I'll get you to a hospital. We've survived this. We won! We got away. Now we can go home and repair and live. You said at least ten years. You said you're not dying!'

Floyd nodded. 'I'm not going to argue with you. I'm too tired and you're too irrational. If Taki had killed you, Spencer, I would want to do the same thing. I'd want to recover you. I need you. I think it's love? I think maybe… I would.'

'I don't want to hear more. I want to listen to the birds sing and be happy that I'm alive. I'm not going to listen to you and I'm not going to discuss this with you. I love you too Floyd and I've asked you if we can have time just the two of us and you've said that's not going to happen. You'd choose Sam… that whore, that dirty drug dependent bit of filth over me. Fine. Then what you're feeling in your heart isn't love, Floyd. It's called paranoid delusions. Why would I reciprocate a love you don't feel?'

'I do feel it!'

'Then prove it.'

'I came after you didn't I? I came and found you!'

'Because another selfish insensitive freak took one of your toys away from you.'

'You're impossible!'

'You're selfish!'

'So are you!' Floyd raged.

'I'm what you made me!'

'And I love what I made!'

'I don't want you to die!' Spencer shouted at Floyd. A sudden flurry of birds took off from the trees.

'Now see what you've done. You've spoiled the lovely bird song.'