TITLE: The Curious Ailments of Sam Swarek

AUTHOR: mahtra

CHAPTER: 12

RATING: T for adult themes and language

UNIVERSE: AU, post 4x01 'Surprises'

SPOILERS: Through 3x13, some relationship spoilers for S4.

PAIRING: McSwarek

SUMMARY: Sam's happy with Marlo. It looks like Andy is finally moving on. Everything would be perfect, if it wasn't for this feeling that he can't breath.

DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I am so glad, to be blessed with as lovely reviewers as you all are. Thank you Dorkandmindy, totheboats, linda p, kate1701, BekaRoo, Goggiebe, jh126, bacio4hope, InfiniteRegress, Lisa, April420, SRyan1985 and stewart14. And I want to address the increasing number of Guest reviewers, too. I would love to answer your wonderful reviews and will do that, if you log in before reviewing.

SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT for one anonymous reviewer: You had to force yourself through eleven chapters of apotheozing Andy. And I am so glad that you help me boost my review count even though you hate the story. I implore you, please don't feel bullied into silence by those who disagree with you. It's obvious that you must have some kind of superior knowledge. I would love to read more of your entertaining theories. They make my day so much more enjoyable.

AN: EDIT: Sorry to disappoint you, this is just the revised version of Ch. 12. I wanted to upload the new version, when I accidently deleted the old post.

Ok here is my version 'the talk'. I didn't want them to continue with the blame game. So this time they are actually owning their mistakes. I apologize for how choppy the chapter sounds.


The previous day has Sam pretty confused. Ever since Andy left yesterday morning he doesn't know how to feel. She broke up with Spencer and a part of Sam is pretty happy about that. However, if it had been up to him, Sam would have preferred if she had broken up with him because– well, because she realized that she is still in love with Sam. But as soon as he starts to think that thoughts he feels bad and scolds himself mentally. Andy is going through a tough time and here he is thinking of his own feelings. It's not that it doesn't pain him to see her suffer, it does. Immensely so. But he has been stuck with his feelings for her while Andy went through the whole cycle of a relationship. And he feels like the more is happening in Andy's life, the more she moves forward, the more she moves away from him. From them. He has obsessed over the idea of their relationship is becoming nothing more than a faint memory in her mind more than any adult male should.

And he hasn't even worked through half the mess they created.

He was a little surprised himself when he suggested that maybe they should talk. Sure there are a few things he wants to ask her. But the things she might hurl at him? He doesn't really want to go there. It's not particularly pleasant to be shown how royally you have screwed up. How much you have hurt the other person when all you wanted to do was to protect her.

Not for the first time Sam wonders whether Andy will come by today. It seem like it has become a daily ritual lately. Compared to how they started the day, they were quite friendly again by the time she left yesterday. However that was before she had time to review his behavior. He knows if she comes she won't come by before late afternoon. Her platoon moved to morning shift as of today.

So he makes his way to his bookshelf. Maybe he will be able to keep his thoughts on the page today. The only pristine book spine is the book Sarah gave him last Christmas. It's pressed between his other books and he has a hard time wriggling it out. There it sat on the shelf for months. Has been assigned to a genre before he ever gave it a chance to surprise him. Too long has he lived with all these preconceived notions. It is time to change that. Time for him to open his mind to the possibility, that maybe things aren't what they seem. That real book might be not at all what he expected.

Sam has just reached the last twenty pages when there is a knock on his front door. He has barely registered how the day went by, he was that captured by the story; now he is returning to reality. There is little doubt in his mind who will be on the other side of that door. And so he braces himself for another emotionally draining visit. Right now there really isn't enough time for a proper pep talk.

And then it's time to open the damned door. It's nothing more than a piece of wood, but still, he feel like his actions are somehow meaningful. 'Focus'. he chides himself. He is not opening a portal to another dimension or that he found the password for a hidden door or something. It's nothing more than his good old front door and he has opened it for Andy dozens of times, there shouldn't be anything special about it today.

Still, seeing her now feels different. The last rays of sunshine give her skin a warm glow. And something about her is changed. It's more than the fact that the sweatpants are gone and have been replaced by a pair of jeans. And it isn't the black stuff on her eyes either. It's more a change in her posture or the look she gives him. Sam is not sure he can believe his own eyes, when she greets him with a smile. In the last weeks he has become quite used to its absence on her face. And so it hits him even harder now. He wants desperately to have her in his arms again. Instead he ushers her past him. Once in the living room she picks up his book. For a moment she studies the blurb and then holds it out to him.

"Is it any good?" she asks.

Sam nods. "Yeah, I like it."

"Yeah, but you do read weird books."

He pretends to be offended. "I don't read weird books. But even if I was, I promise this one is weird in a good way."

Andy raises her eyebrow. There is a sparkle in her eye. Obviously she is in a playful mood today.

"Oh and I should take your word for it? You don't have the best track record when it comes to promises buddy. The last time you recommended a book it took place on a disk world and there was a gigantic turtle or something." She shakes her head and laughs lightly.

For a moment though Sam stops breathing. She throws it out there so easily, how he has broken her trust.

"Well maybe it is time for me to earn some of that trust back then. We will start small. I will let you borrow the book and I work my way up from there."

Once he said the words cringes a bit. Brining up how you mistreated her is not the best way to woo someone. But Andy doesn't let the conversation become awkward; she elbows him lightly in the ribs.

"Don't worry Sam, I understand. But if you really want to earn my trust back, my garbage might be piling up a bit."

After that their conversation stays playful for a while.

At one point during her visit they move to the kitchen. He is just filling the their mugs with water from the kettle when Andy's question hits him out of nowhere.

"Sam, are you really still blaming yourself for everything that happened two years ago? You know that I have forgiven you for your part in our breakup, right?"

He hardly feels the sting of the hot water on his hand. His mind is too preoccupied. He didn't know how much he yearned to hear those words until she has actually spoken them. Though whenever he thought about Andy's forgiveness before, he always thought he would have to grovel first and earn her forgiveness. It surprising and a little bit unsettling how easily she absolves him.

"But why- How can you forgive me for everything I put you through?"

Andy knits her eyebrows together.

"You really think you are the only one to blame for our disastrous relationship? You really like to play martyr, don't you? Well, you will have to share the responsibility this time. Because we both messed up. And I am sorry I was so pushy. I knew you weren't ready and I am sorry that I didn't wait for you until you were."

Sam is silent. He remembers their actual relationship, how Andy has always pushed him into doing more than he was willing to be. He remembers how many times it has irked him back then, and how he has completely forgotten about that aspect in hindsight. Instead he has focused on how he destroyed their relationship, how he was the one not willing to give Andy what she needed.

"But if you hadn't pushed me, I still wouldn't be ready. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. Does that make sense? It's just my brain… and my heart… it was too much. I my… feelings… like overdrive… all the freaking time. And I thought… I guess I thought it would give me more time to figure things out, if I held back on the relationship crap. But you wanted to be around all the time… and I need to work through things… and I needed some alone time for that. I don't know, I guess I'm just not good at this couple stuff. "

His shirt itches and no matter how much he scratches his chest, it doesn't get better. At that moment he can't really look her in the eyes. Sure the light above her head is pretty bright, but more than that he is afraid what he might see in her face. Hurt, anger or - even worse - pity?

Andy must have sensed his apprehension.

"But you aren't a bad boyfriend, Sam. Believe me, maybe you didn't tell me about your feelings, but I always knew you loved me. And you were great with Marlo. You really were a very considerate boyfriend with her. "

Sam cringes. There is no way to explain to Andy why he could be a thoughtful boyfriend to Marlo and not to her without sounding like a complete douche. So he just shrugs his shoulders. He feels awkward to leave Andy's last statement like this. But he has already decided that he is not going to confess his feeling to her today. Today is about leaving the past behind them.

He has no clue what the appropriate etiquette for post-breakup talks is, so he simply hands Andy her mug. If Andy notices the red mark, shining on the back of Sam's hand, she doesn't acknowledges it. She doesn't comment on how it looks like his own mangled heart. Instead she surprises him once more by simply going back to their friendly banter for the rest of the evening. Both of them on the couch, her feet in his lap and arguing about the TV program.

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