Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.


Living For

Bleach. Blond. Bald.

Everyone finished packing their rooms Friday. I finished the kitchen and Darry was selling things through out the day. People would come in to pick something up and they would give him the money. Or they would write their checks like they had money to waste. Since I packed all plates and pans we ordered pizza, Steve ate over as usual. Dally was at the house but he was in my bedroom the entire time. When night came I went in there and he had fallen asleep. He looked so peaceful. That boy was sure acting weird that day.

Darry sold the dresser in my parents room and night tables. He said that Soda was getting his bed and that he was going to use our parents bed because his was getting too small. Everything was sold except for a few things that were needed and necessary. We need the money so I didn't blame Darry for selling some things. Soda mentioned that the whole gang was coming over around nine to help us move. After we ate everyone went to bed, everyone was tired and needed rest for the big day ahead. Of course I didn't sleep but hung out in the living room thinking.

Eventually I started to cry while thinking, than I noticed something I had forgotten about. My secret message to my parents. When I went to look at it there was thick layer of healing skin on it. The sight made me cry more, it was healing. Even with it there forever it just didn't look right all green and brown. My legs stood up and sat down a few times, debating on getting the switchblade from my empty sock compartment. Finally my body was moving even when my mind was screaming for me to stop.

Tearing the door to the compartment shut, I hastily grabbed the blade. Quietly of course, wouldn't want to wake Dally. I didn't even bother shutting it but I did shut the window and bedroom door. Without delay I sped off to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. After pulling down my jeans I sat on the edge of the bathtub with my legs on the inside. I started to carve over the lettering in my leg. Blood spilled down my leg and dripped into the tub. With each letter my leg started to throb. It hurt. I wanted to scream.

That was okay with me. I was okay with cutting my leg. As demented as it sounds, I felt better. The pain in my leg took away the pain in my mind. With this unpleasant physical sensation I can't think straight. For a second I felt guilt for doing it. There was a need to do it. To cut the memory back into my leg like I did Sunday night. Five days ago they died. I looked at the clock, it was passed one. Six days now, six days ago they were alive.

As I breathed in and out I watched my skin leak the red liquid. I watched it slid down my thigh, in between my legs and disappear under my leg. There was a long line of the oozy sticky substance going into the drain at the end of the tub. My eyes glanced at the blade. It was caked in blood, I rested it against my forehead.

I dropped the shape object into the tub, it made a loud clank noise. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? Harm myself? Maybe I am crazy, I've lost it. More than ever was I insane. Sure my parents are gone. I've lost them, my mental orientation had to go with them. My world is crumbling at my finger tips. The harm gives me control. If my brothers ever found out about this they would reject me. Rejection makes me want to carve again. Self-mutilation is related mental disorders I've heard. I guess that would mean that I'm mental.

Turning on the bath water I thought about what would Dally do. He would reject me too. They all would. No one would understand. I don't even think my parents would have. Not even Dad, and he had an answer for everything. With the water I cleaned up my mess. I wrapped my leg with gauze that was in the medicine cabinet. Before leaving the room I made sure there was no sign of blood anywhere. After pulling my pants on I limped out of the bathroom with blade in hand.

Before laying on the couch I flipped the blade closed and placed it in my pocket. On the couch I held tightly onto my mother's necklace. My leg was throbbing. It was almost unbearable, to say the least. How stupid could I get? This is the last and FINAL time I will ever cut myself. Never again will I harm myself because I lose control of my emotions. If I ever have an emotional break down again I'll distract myself by working out. By training, getting myself into shape. I promised myself that, no more blood shed at my own hand.

I cried myself to sleep around four and was waken up by a yelling Steve and Two-bit. "RISE AND SHINE LUCY LOU! IT'S TIME TO MOVE SOME FURNATURE!"

Steve screamed into my face as he sat on my lap. The pain than shot through me was indescribable. It zipped to the top of my head down my spinal column and to my toes. With his weight making my jeans rub up against my mistake on my leg, I yelped. Immediately he jumped off me.

"Are you okay?" he asked in my face looking apologetic.

"I would be if I didn't have to wake up to screaming greasers in my face." I said pushing him away from me. Than as I got up and walked to my room. I limped a little forgetting anyone was in the room. The house was buzzing with excited teenage greaser boys, even my Pony was up already. Another mistake was on my part by for forgetting.

"Hey, why are you limping?" Pony asked stopping me for going to my room.

"What are you talking about? Limping? I'm not limping." I said giving him a look that told him he was seeing things. With steady legs I walked the rest of the way to my room, making sure I wasn't walking unevenly. Dally was still laying on my bed where I left him only he was awake and smoking with the window open again. He looked over at me with a blank face.

"You okay? You look a little pale."

"Dal, I've looked pale for the past six days." I said laughing.

"Well you looked a lot better yesterday so I'm just wondering if anything happened that I should know about." why was he being so protective? He's never like this. And does he know what I don't want him to know? Nope, the blank look doesn't lie

"Did you sleep good on my bed?"

"Yeah, best sleep I've had in weeks. Didn't mean to take your bed." I stole his cig and took a drag than handed it back to him.

"Don't worry about it, I barely slept anyway." I started to change after I shut the door, I knew he wouldn't look if I asked him not too.

"Close your eyes or get out." he didn't close his eyes but he sat up and leaned out the window breathing in the fresh air as he smoked. Weird combination if you ask me.

Pulling the switchblade from my pocket I changed into a pair of loose shorts that I left out of the clothes I packed, along with a t-shirt of my Dad's. After changing I packed the clothes into an open box and closed it off. Dally and me left the room and went into the dining room. As we sat down Darry and Soda walked in with bags of hot breakfast sandwiches from the DX station. Everyone got two sandwiches except for me, I ate half of one.

"Lucy, don't waste the other half. Just eat it." Soda said with a mouth full of food.

"I'm not very hungry." I said sliding it over the table at him. "You eat it."

As I stood up I made yet another mistake and stood on my left leg. I went leaning to my left and almost fell onto Steve's lap. He straightened me up and when back to his food. "Ya dizzy Luc?"

"No. My foot was asleep." yet another lie, it was becoming natural.

"I'm going to get all of the stuff out of the bathroom and pack it. Wouldn't want it to go to waste." I left the room to let them all eat in peace. When I came out with a small box full of everyone's toothpaste, soap and other stuff everyone was sitting in the living room. Soda was pacing back and forth looking mighty serious while everyone was trying to hold in their laughter. Darry was smiling but I knew he was in control. Dally was looking at me and when he realized he was he focused on Soda.

"GOOD! Lucy please take a seat." after setting the box on the table I sat on the arm of the couch with my feet on Pony's lap.

"Now gentlemen and Lucy, we have a mission today." he had a stick in his hand that he was waving around and pointing at us. I'm so glad that he hasn't changed in all of this. He has his bad times but Soda really knows how to lighten a room up.

"Cut it out little buddy." Darry said looking at the group. "There is no time to waste. They told me we have to be out by three o'clock sharp. Everything goes that's here. I've already sold everything else, lets get a move on men." everyone turned their heads to Soda.

"WHAT DARRY SAID!" he hollered pointing the stick to the ceiling. All the boys erupted in a cheer and began to carry the furniture into the truck.

"We'll make a few trips so don't break anything putting it into the Ford." Darry said as he watched everyone start to get to work. He turned to me.

"Hi."

"Hey, how ya doin?" I asked smiling at my brother.

"Truthfully a little sad but excited for the future."

I put my hand on his heart. "You know Luc, your probably the only one I could have told that to."

Brother smiled thankfully at me and I gave him a hug. Than we got to work. After ten minutes the first load was full on the Ford. Darry, Dally and Two-bit went to drop it off. We made about four trips before we had everything except three boxes. Everyone was standing front as they loaded the last box. We all stared at the house for a few minutes before Johnny said we should get going because it was two thirty. Everyone got into the truck and in the bed of the truck. Two-bit offered his hand and lifted me into the bed of the truck. Was sat down and the truck started moving with Darry driving with Johnny and Pony in the cab the rest of us in the bed. Than something occurred to me something was missing.

"WAIT!" I hollered, Darry slammed on the breaks and turn the truck off. I swung my legs over the side of the truck and landed on my left leg. Today was just not my day. With my hand leaning on the truck I bent over feeling like I was going to throw up from the overwhelming sensation. Soda jumped down next to me trying to see my face.

"What's the matter?"

"I landed wrong." I said sucking in some air. "Give me a sec." they believed me, I was surprised they did.

"Did you forget something?" Darry asked getting out of the truck.

"Yeah, I have a feeling I did. Just don't remember what." everyone was silent.

"I'll go look."

Soda looked at me uneasily. "Want me to come with?"

"Sure." I grabbed Soda's hand than looked at Darry. "You guys go ahead, I think I'll be a few minutes. Soda and me can walk."

Sodapop nodded to our older brother. "You sure?" We both agreed as we started toward the house.

Hand in hand we walked into the house. It was so empty and vacant. We looked in every room twice. Nothing was out of place, nothing was forgotten. With my hand I would trace the walls in each room. Soda started to cry when we got to our parents room for the second time. We sat on the carpeted floor together. He had his head in his hands and was rocking himself. I was rubbing his back and humming to him. His song is Unchained Melody by Righteous Brothers.

"You sound just like her when you do that." he said calming himself down.

"Even when you hum to Ponyboy it relaxes me. I bet if you sang you'd sound like her too. When you two would sing together you'd have different voices but now I think you would sound like her."

We stood up and looked in my room one more time. Than it hit me, the bar. I dashed outside. And pointed to the damn thing. "That's what I forgot."

"Oh Lucy, do you really need it?" Soda said going over and putting his hands on it.

"Yes, unless you want to make me a new one." I said smiling.

"Okay I will."

"Soda I was just kidding."

"I wasn't, my baby sister wants a new gymnastics bar thingy to practice on than I'll make her one." Soda said grabbing my hand and leading me to the front yard.

"That one is all messed up and tainted anyway." I said looked back at it. As we left the front yard I blew a kiss to the house, biding farewell.

My brother and I walked to our new home. It wasn't more than a mile away from our old one. The house is the same amount of walking time to the DX, the park, school and everywhere else. I like to walk even though no one likes me walking alone. Well I say screw that. Our new home isn't bad looking on the outside. It could use some work. On thing that I like is that I doesn't have a railing around the front of it, I can freely jump off it whenever I please. When I got inside it looked like a male had decorated the room. Maybe that's because a male did.

Everyone was setting things up. I decided to do that in my room. Squeezing past all the boys I when to my new room. The house set up is pretty much the same. Four bedrooms, one bath and a kitchen. Everything was just a lot smaller. When I got in my new room Dally was in there setting up my bed. He glanced at me and I smiled. He didn't smile back, not even a smirk. It made me sad not so see him do that, Dally is my normalcy in this. I need him.

What am I thinking? I don't need Dallas Winston, I'm a independent woman. I don't need anybody. But it does feel nice to have someone. Maybe after things cool down I'll go out on a date with someone or something. I didn't take long for me to unpack my clothes so once I was done hanging my new attire and folding my old, I went to unpack the kitchen. Before leaving my room I changed into a dress. I just felt like it.

It was a cream color with light red stripes going across. The dress is just above knee length, it was so comfy and fitting. My outfit was topped off with my black and white converse, my switchblade in the side of my high top. I think I looked pretty damn good. Surprisingly when I got to the kitchen everything was already unpacked. Everything was ready to be used, the only thing missing was food.

"Hey Dar, ya want me to head to the store for food?"

"Where did you get that?" Pony said pointing to my clothes.

Patting him on the head I said. "This is one of Mom's old dresses, she showed me once. Said it was a dress she used to wear when she was my age. Grandma let her make it."

"You look nice it."

"Thank you." I smiled. "Now Darry about the food, ya want me to go?"

"Sure take the truck." he handed me the keys.

"Darry, I can't drive." I said giggling. He than laughed at himself.

"Sorry, forgot. Take someone who can with you. Go ask, I'll make you a list and get you some money."

"HEY GREASERS!" I yelled.

"WHAT!" they answered either annoyed or amused.

"Anyone want to drive me to the grocery store?"

"I'll drive ya." Steve said which was my last guess on who would have offered.

"I'll come two." Soda said smiling.

After Darry handed me the list and money we all headed out in the truck. My twin and his friend were messing around and laughing about everything. When we got to the store it was pretty full with Saturday shoppers. We split up, me actually getting food on the list while Steve and Soda goofed off in the frozen food section. I didn't mind though, it was easier to shop without babysitting them.

I had a basket around my arm as I entered the produce section. Trying to remember what fruits and veggies I gate when I was in training. I ate a lot of radishes and bananas I know. I got some of those and went to grab a head of lettuce that was on the list. When I started putting it in the bag I heard a high pitch voice about five feet away.

"Oh well look who it is, Lil Lucy Curtis. Buying produce are we Curtis?" Julie fucking Holland, this isn't going to end well. Where is Soda and Steve when I need them?

"Yeah." I tried playing it cool and but wasn't doing a very good job. I could see her black eye, man did it look like it hurt. "Nice face ya got there Julie."

"You're looking extra trampy today, is it a holiday or something?" if there was any possible way to take away that girls voice it would give my life to do it.

"I'm not dealing with you today." I said putting my hand up in her face as I walked off.

"Oh yes you will, I'll see you outside." Okay! Like I cared. Why was she even on this side of town, dumb bitch. As I passed through the cake aisle Sodapop and Steve told me they were going to talk to some buddies across the street and that they would meet me at the truck. As soon as the words left Soda's mouth I felt a little worried that Julie would become a bigger issue if I was alone. But I waved the feeling off and took the keys form him so I could get in.

Soon after I finished; shopping, paying and putting the food in the back of the truck I had forgotten all about Julie. Until I saw her walking up to me with one of her friends. Both of them smacking their mouths with bubble gum. Second most annoying noise in the universe. One, her voice. Two lips smacking together while chewing a substance.

"That's a lot of food for an orphan, don't you think Ruth?" Ruth is Julie's third ass cheek. Never leaves her side unless she's told to. She's Julie's bitch, her sidekick but in a horrible unattractive way. Defiantly not like the comics.

"Go away."

"No! I want to talk to you about the other day."

"Don't be dumb Julie. I can't be hold accountable for what happens to you. Besides no body will call the fuzz in this neighborhood." I said smirking as I used Steve's line. When ever anyone would freak about cops being involved with anything he would holler at the top of his lungs telling them no one cares about the fuzz. It always made me laugh.

My smirk completely disappeared and my face became hot as soon as the word left her mouth. "No need to bother apologizing to her. Her daddy was a cheap, perverted drunk along with her mother who was just a simple used up street whore. Lets go Ruth."

That was the last straw! When you bring my parents into this your dead. I leapt on top of her, I sat on her back. My knees holding down her elbows and pressing them down into the pavement. Ruth tried to grab me but I violently pushed her into the truck and she stayed away. As I pulled out my blade I flipped it open making a small click. As I leaned forward to her ear I put more pressure on her arms.

Venomously I'm talked to her. "I'm going to take away something important to you just like something important was taken away from me."

"CRAZY BITCH!" she screamed. I began to slice through her bleached hair. Pulling and ripping while I cut. Clumps and clumps blew away in the wind. She cried for help but none came. There was only a little bit of blood caked onto her hair strains. Ruth watched the entire time, staring. Maybe she was jealous I got to do this to her before she had the chance. Half of her hair was gone and I was hoisted off of her. I was than thrown into the truck, blade in hand. Soda pointed at me.

"Stay." okay so now I'm a dog. Steve helped Julie off the ground and she screamed at him.

"Let me go you filthy greaser! LUCY YOU WILL PAY!" Empty threats from a now half bald soc. I smiled at my work. Her hair was her prized work, she told me when we were little her exact words.

'I love my hair. I don't know what I'd do without it.' she has some fucked up parents, the only thing she has are her looks and money. I don't have either of those and I'm twice the better person she is. And I'm not just saying that to make myself look better. She stormed off wailing about her locks and Steve and Soda got in the car. This is going to be a long night.