Spike was warm and happy. It took his brain a moment to realize something was wrong, that he should be neither of those things. Eleanor.
The slayer was in his arms, her head was on his chest, one hand was across his stomach, and her legs were tangled with his. She was nice and warm, all wrapped up like she was. He hadn't slept with a human before, in either sense of the word… but this was nice. He wished he could have been with Buffy, like this.
His gut twisted. He had sex with the slayer, and not the slayer he loved. He felt sick to his stomach, the whole thing had been a terrible idea, especially since she was a virgin. If he was being honest with himself, and apparently this morning he was, when he closed his eyes during the sex last night, it had been Buffy with him. It had been Buffy who he kissed. It was Buffy who he was inside. He had used this confused innocent virgin… to what? Get some sort of slayer fix?
He hadn't wanted to pretend anything and had told her as much last night… but when he closed his eyes... Eleanor asked him to pretend he loved her for the night, and he had.
Spike pushed her off of him roughly and gave her a shake.
The slayer looked up at him, drowsy and confused, "What?"
"Get up, get out. The time for pretending is over," he was out of the bed, pulling his jeans on and throwing her clothes at her.
She pulled her knees up, and placed an arm over her nude breasts, "What?"
"Get out, Slayer."
"What's wrong, Spike?" she asked as she dressed. The bint kept looking at him, trying to catch his eye, it made him angry. How could she look at him like that? How could she not hate him? He wanted her to hate him, it would be easier.
"What's wrong? Why the fuck didn't you tell me you were a virgin before you threw yourself at me?"
"I… I didn't…"
"You didn't what? What the fuck is wrong with you, sleeping with a monster? You keep saying you aren't here to replace Buffy, but you sure as hell seem to be doing the opposite. But even with all the shit Buffy was going through, she wouldn't have spread her legs for me. Buffy was better than that. Buffy was better than you'll ever be."
The girl was dressed and was struggling with her shoes and Spike could hear her heart pounding. She wasn't looking at him now… He had gotten what he wanted. What he deserved. It made him angry.
Spike grabbed her and shoved her hard against the wall.
"You're here trying to take her place, take over her life, play nice with Dawn and the Scoobies, well, you don't have me. I could never love you. You manipulated me into a pity fuck. You used me and I used you, but it wasn't even that good. Not worth a second go." He heard her heart skip and race. He was breathing hard, and even as angry as he was, he still found himself aroused by the girl. He was disgusted with himself.
Eleanor raised a trembling hand and touched his cheek, "Thank you for last night. She was wrong to treat you like she did, you deserved better. You're right, this shouldn't have happened, it wasn't fair for me to use you."
He ripped her hand away and tightened his grasp on her wrist until he knew he was hurting her, but she didn't cry out, and she didn't pull away.
"Get out," he hissed and dropped her hand. It fell lifelessly to her side.
"I'm leaving. I think Buffy was beginning to love you before the end and I think she'd love you if she came back now. When you told her you loved her, you also told her you had changed, and I think you have. Goodbye, Spike."
She left then, left him alone with his thoughts. What had he done?
Anger bubbled up inside of him, a fury filled him, and all he could think about was destruction. Bottles, books, anything he could get his hands on he smashed and shattered. He ruined everything he touched. He was destruction. He didn't deserve comfort or compassion. Buffy was dead because of him. Why should he get to move on when she was dead?
When there was nothing left to hurl at the floor and walls, he sank to the floor and cried.
It was much later, after several bottle of Jack Daniels, before he realized he had hurt the girl and his chip never fired.
The slayer did not make it very far out of the crypt before she collapsed into tears. She felt like her heart was dying in her chest, and she wanted to pull it out, remove what was making her feel. She didn't want to feel, not anymore.
She curled up into a ball in the middle of Restfield Cemetery and cried.
It didn't matter who she was, she always drove people away. Had anyone cared about her or been her friend because they liked her? Had it always been because she was special? A slayer? Everyone always left, and now everyone hated her. She rocked back and forth, struggling to breath and cry at the same time.
It was all just too hard. She didn't want to do this anymore. She had nothing. She was nothing. It didn't matter if she was Buffy… nothing…nothing mattered.
It was a long time, before she found the strength to get up and make her way home.
Wesley was pacing when she walked in the back door. His hair was a mess and he looked like he hadn't slept.
"Where were you?" he demanded the instant he saw her, but once he took in her appearance, disheveled as she was with eyes red and puffy from crying, he softened his tone.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
She nodded, but she started to cry again. Wesley wrapped his arms around her.
"I'm sorry," she sobbed.
"Tell me what happened," he said, encouragingly.
"Tara came over yesterday and I'm pretty sure I'm Buffy," she admitted, and she expected him to be surprised, but he smiled and nodded.
"I thought as much, but isn't that good news? Why are you so upset?" he asked.
She shrugged, not wanting to tell him the real reason behind her tears.
"It doesn't matter… it isn't important. What is important is that I went and saw my mom's grave… and mine. Someone has been there. There was melted candle wax, and it looked like a ring of salt around my grave," she said and wiped away her tears.
"Someone must have already tried a resurrection spell."
"Whoever tried the spell, do you think they'd try another time? There's no way that it could work again, right? I mean, they can't yank my soul out of this body and put it into my old body, could they?"
"I'm not sure. With the right spell, perhaps..."
"So not making me feel better," Buffy said. 'And I thought today couldn't get any worse.'
"We need to update Giles, someone else should be apprised of the situation."
"Won't it be really late? Giles does not live in his office."
"It'll be 10 PM, and I do rather think Giles has been living in his office recently," Wesley said, and dialed.
"It's Wesley," he said after a moment, "We might have a problem… Eleanor… er, Buffy saw evidence of a possible resurrection spell at her grave… Yes, she saw Tara and we do think she is Buffy."
Buffy grabbed the phone away from her Watcher, and pressed the speaker button, "Now I can listen to both sides of the conversation. Giles- after mom died, Dawn tried to bring her back and Spike kinda helped."
"Be that as it may, a spell of this magnitude would need more power than what Dawn and Spike would have access to. If it's your friends, then Willow is going to have to be involved," Giles' voice said through the telephone.
"We need to speak to Willow then. I see her at the Magic Box almost daily, perhaps I should approach her?" Wesley asked.
"Willow knows me, I think it might be better if I'm the one to speak to her," Giles said, "There is a solar eclipse in a few days, if she intends to try again, the phenomenon would supplement her powers."
"We need to tell her what she could be doing."
"Indeed. From the research we've done, it doesn't look like Buffy being reincarnated into Eleanor will be enough to trigger the prophecy, but if Willow resurrects Buffy… it will mean the end of the slayer line as we know it," Wesley said.
"Indeed. I'll call Willow right away. I'm sure I can explain the situation to her. She thinks she's doing the right thing, once she knows the danger, I believe she can be swayed."
"Excellent. We'll be in touch," Wesley said, and ended the call.
"Wesley, I need to get out of here. You and Giles can handle this without me, right?"
"I believe things will be wrapped up here in a few days."
"I think I'm going to take the Greyhound bus to Cleveland tomorrow. I just… I can't be here anymore."
"What happened yesterday?" Wesley asked, "This is more than finally finding out who you are."
Buffy nodded, "I'll tell you, but not yet. I just need to get out of Sunnydale."
"I'm not sure that's the best idea, but… if that's what you want. You can't run from your problems though. Maybe it's time for you to tell your friends?"
"No. I'm not telling them. I'm going to leave and let them live their lives, it's the least I can do for them."
"I doubt they would agree, but, I leave that decision up to you. There's a Council safe house in Cleveland I can give you the address to. You can stay there until I'm finished here."
