Chapter 12


I'm a shit.


I'm so glad I shut my window last night because I might have made some very embarrassing noises in my sleep. I blame his jeans being stuffed in my face while I slept. Yes, I'm that big of a fool to sleep with them like a teddy bear.

Stretching out on the bed, I lift up my phone, which is blinking at me with what seem like twenty messages.

The first few are from Shade, asking me if I hooked up with Shadow yesterday since she couldn't get a hold of me. Then—speak of the devil—there's about ten from Shadow, who's carrying on a conversation with himself apparently, because I didn't text back.

The last message scrolls up, which I assume is Shadow again, but my stomach lurches when I see Sonic's name.

Thanks.

Oh boy. I can't tell if I'm happy or sad or angry or frustrated or relieved or guilty. I'm torn so many places I can't put my head on straight.

What have I done? It's okay for me to have geeky fantasies. But he can't latch onto me. I'm no good for him.

I set my phone back on the nightstand without replying and chuck Sonic's jeans across the room, pissed at myself for letting my guard down. It's not like my poor attempt at deleting that message from his dad was at all successful. I should've let it go.

But thinking of his face as he heard his dad's voice made me happy he wasn't alone, even if he had to be with a fake bitch like me.

Getting dressed poses a dilemma. For some bizarre reason, I feel like more of a dirty whore than usual as I tug on bustier tops with high waisted shorts. Very cute and sexy, and really pushing the dress code boundaries with the bursting cleavage.

And so not me today.

But it has to be me today.

I shrug on my cardigan, whipping my quills out so they flows down my back. Sighing, I grab my purse and Chemistry book, and zip out the door.

Walking to school in pumps sucks butt. Mina's been giving me rides, but she's late most of the time, and I really can't miss any more classes.

The hallway's roaring by the time I get to school and as usual it's almost impossible to walk through the crowd. As I slide between two tall guys I see some people over by the vending machines, doing reenactments of the last football game. Vector clashes into Espio's side while the girls swoon. I roll my eyes, which land on the "emos" chipping at their black nail polish. That stuff is so hard to get off. Especially the glitter kind. I'd ask them what their secret is, but again, they're out of my social league.

A few people play bad guitar for a "pretending to be interested" crowd. And Shade sits in the midst of four guys, flirting away as she lightly touches her cleavage, strokes their arms, and giggles at their probably less than funny, inappropriate comments.

I strut my way over, really trying not to pout and knowing if I don't walk over there people will wonder what's wrong with me. Three of the four guys surrounding Shade turn in my direction as I walk up.

Freak Amy, you have to leave now.

"Lookin' hot," Nack says, eyes locked on my boobs. Makes me wonder if he's talking to me or them.

Knuckles throws an arm over my shoulders and slaps a kiss on my cheek.

Yup, life seems to have gone on just fine even though I felt like I was in another world yesterday. I smile at the attention I'm getting by simply walking in the door. "Hi, Amy!" and "Sup, girl?" and, just like Nack, "Lookin' hot!" phrases are sent my way.

I'm about to pull out from under Knuckles' arm, but I remember Popular Amy would stay there. Obviously the breakup between me and Scourge has made its official rounds, and since I threw myself at Shadoe so quickly, I'm sure the word "loose" has my picture next to it in the social dictionary. If it didn't already.

Jet keeps his distance, though he walked over with the other two boys. His eyes graze the crown of my head to my glittery toenails with a questioning look. I tug at my bustier top and my boobs almost pop out.

"What?"

He sways his head and mutters, "Oh, hi."

I'm about to ask him what that look was for, but Shade interrupts my thoughts.

"Hey, Amy." Shade's voice has a hiss to it, like I purposely tried to steal the attention.

"Hey."

"I heard you and Scourge split." Nack runs his hand through his hair and smiles like he's waiting for me to throw myself at him.

Gnarly.

"Yeah."

"D'ya know what he's been sayin'?" Knuckles cocks an eyebrow at me, but it's not nearly as sexy as when Sonic does it.

"No. And I don't care." I sit down on the cold steps beside Shade, and she hands me a lollipop.

Jet keeps his lips pressed in a thin line, still looking at me like I have ebola. Knuckles sways his feet before nudging Shade's shoe.

"What?" she nearly screams at him. "If she doesn't care, then she doesn't need to know."

Taking my time, I study each of their faces. The guys all look like lost puppies, and Shade looks almost bored.

I groan. "Fine. What did he say?"

No one answers. Gosh, what the hell is so bad? If he said I didn't put out, that's not so bad, but if he made up a lie, which sounds more like him, I'm not sure what to expect.

I nudge Shade a little too hard in the arm.

"Ow. Geez. He just said you gave him Chlamydia."

"What?!" I cry out laughing. "He's insane."

"So it's not true?" Jet asks, perking right up.

"Hell no."

The small group breathes a collective sigh. Jet actually moves between me and Shade, setting his hand dangerously close to my butt. I leave it, though I feel like slapping him across the face.

Sure, they give Popular Amy a chance to explain herself. They give her the time of day when rumors ignite around about her. But the second they find out Popular Amy is actually Freak Amy in disguise they'll all laugh at her.

"I knew he was full of shit." Shade reaches over Jet to pat my knee, but I can see her real intention is to give Jet a better boob shot.

"Well, if he has Chlamydia, he didn't get it from me."

"You going to go get tested then?"

I shake my head. "No need. We didn't get that far."

It was like I said some dirty word with the way the boys stare at me. Jet drops his hand from my waist and backs off. Knuckles oogles at me like an idiot and Nack's eyes finally leave my boobs and rest on my own, waiting for a punch line or something.

Only Shade rolls her eyes. "Yeah, okay."

I let it go. No point in arguing with people who won't believe me anyway. Mina would back me up, but darn girl is late. The boys relax again after I don't say anything, either assuming I was only joking, or because Shade moved on to a more interesting subject, I don't know. But I'm not sure if I care either. My mind's not in the conversation. Soon the first bell rings and people scurry off to class.

I pull my purse back over my shoulder and snug my chemistry book to my chest. I have to get to my locker before first period, but Jet will not let go of me.

"I'll walk you to class," he says, tucking his hand into my back pocket. Guess he couldn't help himself this time.

He leads me to my locker, hand firmly on my butt cheek the whole way. I feel sick, and I'm ready to slug him, but the envious stares I receive make me hold back.

Popular Amy would want this. Jet is hot. He's been lip locked with the same girl for about a year, but since Wave cheated on him last week, he's fresh on the market. Probably looking for someone to make him forget.

And it's obvious who his choice is.

A smile creeps onto my face again as I realize exactly how awesome I am at this stuff. Guys want me. Girls want to be me.

Well, fake me. But I can't think like that.

Bending down at my locker to swap books, I'm finally released from his grasp. He leans against the other lockers as he waits for me.

"Hey, Ames."

Ah. Only one person calls me Ames. And now my stomach is in my butt.

Soni shuffles his feet on the other side of me, the locker door separating us. My face probably looks like the inside of a toaster. I can't talk to him in front of Jet. But I don't want to hurt him either.

I suck in a deep breath through my nostrils. "Uh, hi." Crap, my voice is shaking. I need to sound confident. I need to sound, I don't know, like I'm not crazy about him.

My eyes flicker to Jet's face who is suppressing a giant laugh.

Oh gosh. Breathe, Amy.

"I, um, wanted to know if…" Sonic stops. I close my locker and try to paste a mask on. Anything that'll make Jet not look at me like I've got poop smeared all over my face.

"Wanted to know what?" Argh. I hate this. I can tell I'm hurting Sonic by the way he's staring at me. And Jet scoots closer, snuggling in the curve of my shoulder.

I feel like such a bitch.

Sonic's eyes zap between me and horny boy. He slides his tongue over his lips before continuing. "I wanted to know if you needed a ride home today."

Jet moves his head from my neck and looks at me, eyebrows raised and mouth hanging open.

I can't blow up my cheeks now. I want to. I'm really trying not to. But I'm in major panic mode. He's going to tell everyone I'm talking with my nerdy next-door neighbor. He's going to tell them I need a ride from the boy who's an active player at the Super Smash Bros. table.

Then the real gossip will begin.

The truth might get out.

Oh gosh.

"Look, Sonic," I stumble over the name, like I'm not sure if it's right, "this is starting to get really sad." Jet laughs, but it doesn't make me feel better. I'm almost in tears as I go from fake bitch, to real-life bitch. "A piece of advice, get a new hobby. Stalking isn't working."

The words are out and the look on Sonic's face is the same one as last night. The one I never wanted to see again. Jet tugs me to first period, jamming his hand in my back pocket before either me or Sonic can say anything else.

I don't look over my shoulder. I can't. Think of all the bitchy words in existence, and they don't even come close to describing me.

I'm crying now, but Jet doesn't even notice. His eyes are locked on my boobs. By the time I get to my class, I've wiped my face clean.

"Thanks. I can take it from here," I say as I pull the door open to Ms. Sue's classroom. I can't help but think if Sonic was here, and if I hadn't just stabbed him in the gut, he'd open the door for me, without going all cross-eyed at my exploding bosoms.


x.X.x


On the walk home, I seriously wish I wasn't so insecure. Sonic's face won't leave my head, and I spent all day either looking for him or avoiding him depending on who I was with. I even drafted up a few text messages. Logged on to FB and sent some IMs. But I did it all in the stalls of the girls' bathroom. Or I made sure no one was looking over my shoulder in the library. How can I say "Whoops! Sorry about that whole stalker thing," when I'm still doing the same shit? So I never sent the messages.

I'm a freaking horrible person, I know.

And I really could've used a ride since Mina bailed on me. I take off my heels as soon as I hit the sidewalk of my street. The muscles in my feet send up their gratitude and the first real smile I've had today soaks my expression.

I hate rule three.

My house is empty. Rosy's not home from school yet, since she gets out later than me. Charter schools. Bleck. I'm glad my parents didn't force me into one.

Mom and Dad are working. Always working.

There's a note on the counter telling me dinner's made and in the fridge whenever we get hungry. Also a "friendly" reminder that Rosy's butt is grounded, and I have to make sure she stays home.

I slink upstairs, still feeling like banging my face on the walls. I really hate myself today.

I mean, I hate myself most days. But today…

Yeah. I suck.

I try to rationalize the stupid reactions I have when I'm at school. Telling myself I only acted that way to Sonic because he can't fall for someone like me, but that's a big-ass lie.

I'm not who I used to be. Not really. Sonic should know that. He's been a witness to it since we started high school. If he keeps bugging me it's his own fault.

But he's not bugging me. I asked him to teach me to drive. I played four hours of the Black Night with him. I leapt the distance between our windows so I could stop that voicemail.

And it's me who can't seem to get past my insecurities. The desire to have the attention, to be liked and popular, keeps me from being myself.

Popular Amy needs to go to sleep now. I'm tired of her.

I look down at my corset. The stupid thing keeps digging into my sides. I yank the snaps open and chuck it across the room. Finding the most boring bra I own, I pull it on, then cover my top half with my Secret Rings shirt.

The comforter on the bed still smells like Sonic's cologne, so when I toss it over my head, all the pain I try to escape intensifies.

There aren't words harsh enough to describe how evil I am.

I have to make it up to him. Not just because his douche of a father called last night. Because he's my…

I gulp.

Friend.

Or at least, I want him to be.

I think.

No.

I know.

I do want him to be my friend again. Not just because I like who I am with him, but because no matter how awful I've been to him, he's always been the opposite to me.


x.X.x


HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!