Chap. 12
Michaela watched how the morning sun danced over Colleen's bruised face, as she silently sat beside her in the bed. She felt dead tired, and her body ached, but as she sat there, close to her daughter's sleeping form, she felt a spark of hope warming her heart. A small smile crept up on her lips as her mind drifted to the events the day before; seeing young Anthony's great recovery and his enormous joy over his gift. She felt confident that the sweet boy would not only enjoy the book himself, but that he would share both the gift and his ability to read with others. Her newfound friendship with Mollie delighted Michaela; the truth, tears and laughter they had shared in the carriage on their way home was a welcome intrusion into the somber mood that was ever present in the house. Mollie had surprised her even more when she had supported Michaela, and stood up to a very upset William when they arrived home. Mollie had proven herself to be a very strong personality, and Michaela felt proud to call her a friend.
As she sat there, Colleen slowly started to wake. It pained Michaela to see her daughter's face twist into a grimace as she subconsciously made an attempt to stretch her injured body. As Colleen somewhat groggily tried to get her swollen eyes adjusted to the sunlight, Michaela softly took her warm hand in the both of hers. "Good morning Sweetheart." Squeezing her mother's hands, Colleen tried to wet her cracked lips. Seeing her daughter's discomfort, Michaela carefully helped her to drink some water. "How do you feel today?" Giving her worried mother a weak but honest smile, Colleen attempted a joke, "Like I have been run over by a herd of wild horses." Not even being the worried mother she was could keep Michaela from smiling at her brave daughter's words. "Do you want something for the pain?" Feeling determined Colleen shook her head. "No more drugs, I need to clear my head, but perhaps some tea."
At that moment the door opened just enough to allow Brian's head to peek in. At the sight of the two women awake, a huge boyish smile covered his face. "Hey Sleepy head!" he laughed as he practically ran across the room to give his sister a hug. He was still smiling as he sat down on the bed. "I thought I heard voices from here." However he didn't reveal that he had spent most of the night, and the entire morning, wandering about outside their door, regularly peeking in to make sure that they were alright. His mother's reassuring words, informing him that it was good for Colleen to sleep, and that she would be alright, had done little to settle his fear of losing his beloved sister. Putting that together with the state his mother had been in when Mollie and he had helped her to bed yesterday had almost freaked him out. Sitting there now, close to the two women that meant the entire world to him, he felt such relief fill him. Needing to break the silence Brian joked, while winking at Michaela "The way you two have been sleeping I feared that I would have to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone with the Burkes…" Amused, Michaela shook her head. "Behave young man!" she playfully pretended to reprimand him. "Speaking of our hostess, would you please ask Miss Beth to prepare some willow-bark tea for us?" Glancing at Colleen, she added: "And please ask her for something light for your sister to eat."
Once they were alone again, Michaela turned to Colleen. "Do you want to try to sit for awhile?" she asked with a concerned expression. Colleen nodded, but as Michaela leaned over to support her, Colleen saw her mother's face twist in pain. "Ma??" She worriedly observed her mother's pale face. "I'm fine Colleen. I promise. I'm just a little sore." Michaela tried to reassure her daughter, and made a new attempt to help her to a sitting position. Knowing her mother well enough to understand that she would never admit anything, especially if doing so would make someone else's burden heavier, Colleen decided not to argue, but fought hard to put as little weight as possible on Michaela's supporting arms.
As Colleen was finally sitting, both women needed a moment to catch their breath. "Are you sitting comfortably?" Michaela asked while she busied herself with fixing the pillows supporting Colleen's back. Colleen just looked at her mother with tear filled eyes. "Oh Ma! The last thing I wanted was for him to hurt you…" Hearing her daughter bring up the subject, that both of them until now had avoided, Michaela froze in her movements. Hardly able to look at the beloved face, which wore the testimony of what a bad mother she had been, Michaela slowly turned toward Colleen and asked with her voice hardly more than a whisper, "For how long Colleen?" Unable to answer, Colleen just shook her head. "Why didn't you tell me?" A single tear slowly ran down Michaela's cheek. "I'm so sorry Colleen! You are my daughter and I wasn't there! I'm so sorry…"
Colleen stared at her mother in disbelief. "But it's my fault! It's all my fault!" Hearing her mother taking the blame, made some of the previously well contained emotion burst from Colleen, and between the sobs she continued: "I destroyed Andrew's life! I was never a good wife for him. I made him bitter. It's my fault he hurt you!" Now it was Michaela's turn to stare at Colleen. Grabbing her around the shoulders, Michaela forced her to make eye contact. "NO COLLEEN! NO! Listen to me; this is NOT your fault! You have done nothing to deserve this!" The tears were running freely on both of them as Colleen fell into Michaela's protecting embrace.
Still holding Colleen tight against her chest, Michaela softly started speaking. "Do you remember how you felt when you first learned about Dorothy's past?" Colleen didn't answered, but her sobbing quieted some. "Do you remember that I told you that under no circumstances is it okay for a man to hit a woman?" The room was dead silent for a minute before Colleen's muffled voice was heard from Michaela's nightgown. "It's not the same Ma. I destroyed Andrew's life. I…" Michaela cut her off by forcing her back to a sitting position. "Do you trust me Colleen?" Once again she forced Colleen to make eye contact. Not understanding what her mother was getting at Colleen made a slight nod. "I need you to tell me everything Sweetheart. There is nothing that you can tell me that is going to make me love you less."
Hesitating for a moment, Colleen turned her gaze towards the bed-sheets. When she began to speak she did so with a hollow voice that sent goose bumps up Michaela's arms. "It wasn't always bad you know, we were happy – at least I believed we were." Her gaze was still locked on the sheets as she continued. "It really felt like everything would work out when Grandma left us the money to open the clinic, and to work beside Andrew at our own clinic, was like a dream that had come true. But that charity clinic was my dream – not Andrew's… He wanted to make a name for himself, and by working with me he lost that chance. When he left his uncle's practice he became excluded from the entire medical-society. I guess he believed that it would just be a temporary situation, but it wasn't, and losing all his dreams took a toll on him. He gave it all up for me, and I was unable to give him anything in return…"
As her daughter was silent once again, Michaela had to use every ounce of strength in her body not to tell Colleen how wrong she was. Deep inside she knew that Colleen needed to be allowed to tell her story. Quietly she reached out and squeezed Colleen's hand in support, and simply sat there waiting for her daughter to continue.
"He started spending time at bars, drinking. However doing so meant that he was working fewer hours in the clinic, which in turn meant that I had to work more. With me doing that, it somehow made him feel like he wasn't the man in the house anymore. He started gambling, but he wasn't any good at it. He wouldn't tell me, but I think that he lost all the money that Grandma left us." Bending down, as if expecting a punch, but knowing deep down that it of course would never come; Colleen actually dared to look at her mother the first time since beginning her story. Seeing nothing but compassion and love in Michaela's tear-filled eyes, she found the courage to continue.
"I think that we are losing the clinic ma, Grandma's clinic. I failed her." At this Michaela sadly shook her head. "You didn't fail her Sweetheart. You made her so proud. And you still would. I have seen your clinic, I have met your patients; you have made excellent work of it. Losing the clinic is not your doing." Ashamed, Colleen lowered her eyes to the sheets again. "No Ma, she believed that I would be like you, but I am not. I'm nothing like you. I'm weak." Once again Michaela had to suppress her strong reaction to Colleen's words. She softy reached out and started caressing her daughter's entangled hair, before she began to speak. "You are so wrong Colleen. You are one of the strongest and most honorable persons I have ever known. Your Grandma loved you, and was proud of you, because of you. You must never believe anything else. And I'm proud of you; of the great doctor that you have become, and most of all of the kind of person that you are. I love you Colleen, and I will always be grateful to Charlotte for trusting me enough to be your mother." At this all the pent up emotion completely burst from Colleen, as she once again buried herself in Michaela's safe embrace.
Even after it felt like all her tears had gone, Colleen remained in Michaela's arms, being tightly held against her mother's chest. Knowing that this embrace would only be of a temporary nature, Colleen had to admit that it felt so good feeling the warmth of her beloved mother's body, sensing the familiar scent of roses, and feeling her soft hands reassuringly stroke her hair. It felt so good being loved. "What will I do?" Her body froze as she realized that she had mumbled her thoughts out loud. Michaela sensed the sudden change in Colleen's body, and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "You don't have to make any decisions right now. There is plenty of time. But I want you to know that I would be honored if you would like to come back to Colorado and work with me at the hospital."
In an attempt to distance herself, Colleen resolutely sat straight up and once again avoided looking at her mother. "Please don't Ma! You don't know, I mean – You don't have to…" her voice died since she didn't know how to go on. Terrified that her daughter would not understand her absolute need to leave her violent husband, Michaela desperately sought after the right words to convince her to come home, however all that managed to come was the pleading of a distraught mother, "I will not leave you here! Never Colleen. Never!" Realizing that her bossy way wouldn't do any good, Michaela forced herself to calm down. "Would you at least consider coming home with me until your body has healed? Would you do that for me? Please?"
Hearing her mother begging, Colleen suddenly realized what she must have been thinking. Almost choked by guilt, she turned towards the woman that she since long had grown to love like a mother; the woman that had become her safe heaven, and who had fought by her side to make it possible for her to achieve her dreams. Her gaze moved over the big, swollen bruise that covered her jaw, and up to her always so revealing eyes, which screamed of hurt, anguish and worry. Andrew might have put the bruise on her jaw, but she caused the deep pain that was now reflected in her mother's eyes. Colleen desperately thought of a way to make Michaela understand that her turning down the offer wasn't a rejection, but the only way to protect the people she loved.
"Oh Ma! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that… I love you; all of you, you must always know that. But it wouldn't be fair to any of you if I came home now. You don't know, you don't know what you are offering…" Not knowing what else to say she grabbed Michaela's hand.
Michaela sat quietly for a few minutes, trying to make sense of her daughter's words.
"Colleen, please know that I'm not by any means wishing to add too your burdens, but I think that I need say this." Michaela took a deep breath. "There is no secret that I have always wanted you to work by my side. That has not, and will never change. You must also know that I have been advertising for one additional doctor for the new hospital, but that it has been difficult to find someone competent and willing to work for a woman. So far it's only young James and I, and with the town constantly growing, and with trying to keep the practice at the hotel open, it's just too much work. James is very good spirited, but he still needs a lot of support, and I…" She took a brief break before she continued with a low voice: "I'm not getting any younger…"
"Ma please, don't say…" Colleen tried to interrupt, but Michaela wasn't finished. "I'm not planning to give up doctoring for many years yet, but when the day comes, I would like you to take over for me." Colleen just sat there staring at her mother. Her heart wanted to throw herself into her mother's arms, but her brain reminded her of how unfair that would be.
Not really knowing how to read the shifting emotions that crossed the younger woman's face, Michaela carefully added: "And I'm not just saying that because you are my daughter, but because you are an excellent doctor and a remarkable person." The tears were once again flowing down Colleen's cheeks, as she shook her head. "You don't understand. I wouldn't do you any good Ma! I'm wasted…" Her voice was barley audible as she added the last part.
In a desperate attempt to make her daughter see clearly, Michaela covered the hand that already held one of hers, and said, "Colleen…" However when Colleen abruptly removed her hand, Michaela was cut off. "I'm pregnant Ma!" she almost screamed, and then quickly bent down as if expecting a furious reaction. Smiling sadly through the tears, Michaela reached out and lovingly caressed her daughter's wet cheek. "I know Sweetheart, I saw that when I examined you," she said with a soft voice. Unable to look at her mother, Colleen silently stared into the wall.
Uncertain how far to push the young woman, Michaela carefully asked: "Does Andrew know?" Colleen slowly shook her head. "Do you want him to know?" Even the air in the room seemed to stand still for a moment, until Colleen suddenly turned and looked Michaela directly in the eyes. "He's not the father."
