AN: We will not posting next week. Helena Author has a very intensive workshop to attend to and present in. The time normally used to polish a chapter off will sadly be invested into earning her salary. Our next post will be on the 2nd of February, 2015.
Chapter 12
It was that moment between moments; that pause that one could take before matters got out of one's control.
Liara took a deep breath before she keyed the front door open, pushing down as much of her nerves as she could. After all, it wasn't as if she and Shepard hadn't shared a meal together before. Then again, it wasn't as if she hadn't suppressed her nerves on those occasions either. She gave herself one last mental nod as the door slipped open, assuring herself that everything was in place and as it should be.
Katelyn Shepard entered with a small smile as she looked at Liara, probably seeing far more than the latter would have liked her to see. But then, so did Liara. The commander's smile, though genuine, looked a little strained; her eyes dark with sadness that caused the asari to suppress a frown. That sadness had not been there when they had spoken in the morning. What could have happened in the day that etched it so clearly on Katelyn now? But then, what couldn't have happened? After all, it was no secret that every day brought just one more challenge, one more difficulty to the woman.
Liara stopped her hand from clenching nervously at her sides as she stepped forward, closing the distance between them.
"Good evening, Shepard," she said as calmly as she could.
"Thank you for having me over," Katelyn replied, handing over the promised bottle of wine. She looked around, taking in the space. "You have a lovely apartment." Her smile widened when her gaze turned to the artefacts Liara kept. "Do you ever miss digging in the dirt?"
Liara smiled as she took the wine to the kitchen, then returned to Katelyn's side.
"Some might say I've never stopped," she commented, leading Katelyn to the dining nook. "The information business is very rarely what one could call clean."
Katelyn murmured an agreement and Liara could feel a spark of disapproval radiating from the woman's bruised aura. She could never tell whether Katelyn had accepted her new life, but she had begun to believe that the commander couldn't think it so wrong if she allowed both Rinn and Helena access to it.
"I suppose so," the commander commented almost absently as she paused by a painting. "Ilos?"
Liara looked at the object, then nodded. "I commissioned it after settling here in Nos Astra. It... still fills me with wonder as it did when I saw the ruins for the first time."
There was a pause in which Katelyn turned to her. "Did you ever go back? You must have considered being part of the group that's currently researching it?"
The question made her feel strangely melancholy.
"I did go back," Liara said, moving into the kitchen. "Briefly. But no. As much as the archaeologist in me wanted to join the salarians, there were more important things to deal with." She felt a flicker of familiar anger and determination. "I still have scores to settle, you could say."
"With the Shadow Broker?" Katelyn asked neutrally and seated herself on a nearby stool.
Liara wondered whether she should reply honestly then realized that she could not lie to Katelyn. Not in her home and not with the sadness that still radiated so acutely from her eyes.
"Yes," she confessed. "I cannot hide any more, Katelyn. I've seen the world, seen reality. Archaeology is wonderful, but… it is in the past. I need to focus on the present. What we do here, this is real. Anything that doesn't contribute to the here and now will have to wait." She brought their meals to the table, then got wine glasses and uncorked the bottle. "But it's not only that. I feel as if I'm doing good work here. I'm making better use of my research skills, I suppose."
The commander's green eyes studied her intently, but seemed to decide against commenting – for which Liara was grateful. Katelyn didn't know, and didn't need to know, all that had happened between Liara and the Shadow Broker. She didn't need to know how bitterly personal it had become through the years; how personal it was right from the start. And she didn't need to know how it began with her remains. The asari suppress an inner shudder at the word, but there it was. Katelyn had been dead, some pieces of her limbs missing, some no longer attached along with the pieces of armour Liara had managed to secure. Her eyes flitted to the display case that held that armour and wondered what the commander would think were she to notice it.
But now Katelyn was alive and here, in her apartment, gazing at her curiously. It took the asari a second to realize that the ginger had asked her something.
"I'm sorry, Katelyn. My mind was somewhere else. What did you say?"
"Where did those thoughts of yours go?" the woman asked instead, her tone amused as she clearly suppressed a grin.
"Work," Liara lied easily as she poured the wine and settled herself in front of her own plate. "I have a couple of items I need to add to my mental list of things to do."
"You're that busy?" Katelyn asked. She took a bite of the food and gave an approving nod.
"I am," Liara smiled. "I have to admit that Helena couldn't have come at a better time." She noted the flicker in the woman's eyes. "She's a very quick study and I'm surprised how much she's already freed up my time."
"I'm glad to hear that," the commander said sincerely.
They ate silently for a time;, each content with their own meal before Liara glanced up. Her companion was eating very slowly, clearly enjoying the food, but also distracted.
"Katelyn?" she said quietly. "Are you alright?"
"Hm?" the ginger looked up at her. "Oh. Yes. I am. Sorry," she took a sip of her wine.
Liara reached out, taking hold of Katelyn's arm. They looked at each other silently for a moment, before the latter gave an almost embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry, Liara," she said again. "I was glad that you extended the invitation. I really wanted to come see you. To say goodbye, but also... to ask something of you. Another favour." She looked down, embarrassed. "One of so many."
Rinn? Helena? Something to do with her going to the Citadel?
"What is it?" the asari prompted and put down her utensils, waiting.
"A suggestion was made by... someone that there might be a way to," Katelyn stopped, running a hand through her hair. She bit her lip for a second then met Liara's eyes. "Liara, I think you can understand how difficult it is for me to go for testing. I know who I am, but... I haven't been able to account for any of the time that has passed before I woke up in the Lazarus base..." Katelyn's eyes dulled almost as she mused. "Lazarus... you might not understand the significance of the name, but... it's a terrifying thing, not knowing, no really understanding or not being able to make sense of coming back."
"Kate..." Liara squeezed the woman's arm and Katelyn seemed to refocus on her.
She shook her head and produced a lopsided smile. "Sorry, I... guess I'm nervous or..." She shook her head again and then took a deep breath. "It was suggested that I do my own testing, as it were, by going to someone who has melded with me before I... well," she shrugged.
Liara took a moment to process the commander's words.
"To confirm that your mind is as it was before," she said thoughtfully. That did make sense. She wondered briefly who had made the suggestion to Katelyn. Somehow she didn't see Ms Lawson making that suggestion, nor Dr Chakwas. Was it Helena? Who would know? "You want me to meld with you."
Katelyn looked relieved that she said it first.
"Well, I could haul out my old note book and start contacting my long list of asari acquaintances who've walked around in there before, but seeing as you're here…" Katelyn smiled and Liara lifted her hand from the commander's arm to give the woman a soft smack on the shoulder to try and ease the nervous tension that was slowly creeping into the room. Then she sat back, reaching for the stem of her own wine glass.
She studied Katelyn and realized what it was that had been playing over her features all evening. She's nervous, Liara thought with a touch of surprise. Is she afraid that I'll find that she's not herself? Of course.
The meld that was being requested was also different to what she had done before. Back in the time of Saren, Liara had sifted through Katelyn's mind to find insight on the visions that commander was having. Being engulfed in that maelstrom of emotions was just part of what she needed to experience to get to her goal. But now, Katelyn wanted her to look at those thoughts and emotions.
What maelstrom will I find this time? Is she truly ready to share how she is feeling with someone?
"Are you sure?" Liara asked softly and watched as the ginger nodded, though now she looked a little bit scared.
"I know what I'm asking," Katelyn said, her voice almost breathless. "And I know it's a big ask – and you've already done so much..."
"Nonsense," the asari interrupted with a shake of her head. "I just know that... it takes a lot to be willing to share your mind with anyone, especially in a situation like this. I'd be... honoured, Katelyn."
The commander's mouth twitched into another lopsided smile.
"Thank you, Liara. I appreciate it."
Does she know about my sister?
The question made Miranda go cold though she was also secretly grateful for it because it reminded her why she was here. And, it reminded her that in a way, regardless of how she acquired it, Helena's knowledge was dangerous.
Don't fool yourself, Lawson. She can be just as dangerous as you are. Liara wouldn't have indulged her if she didn't see that potential.
She had picked up quite early in their conversation with the asari that she had plans for Helena.
The ginger must've realised that she had said something wrong and Miranda could tell by the way that her face blanched suddenly that she figured it out.
"I'm sorry," Helena said quickly. "I... didn't mean to sound as if I'm attacking you." She blushed, though it was clearly an act, a masquerade to try and fool Miranda into thinking that she had misread her. "I'm not very good at this. I haven't been on a social outing in ages."
We are playing with each other. This is all this is.
Miranda smiled warmly, though she felt the distance slip into her mind, the calculation that she needed.
I need to know what you know.
"It's alright, Helena," she said simply and took a sip of her wine. "I'm not that good with it either." She waited for Helena to spot the lie, but was encouraged when she didn't. Or maybe she just didn't want to continue on the conversation, relieved that Miranda didn't call her out. Unconsciously Miranda's gaze strayed to the dance floor and she found it ironic because, despite the fact that they weren't moving, Helena and herself were still dancing.
She felt Helena study her for a moment, her gaze straying to the dance floor. She opened her mouth to speak, hesitated and then seemed to dismiss her own idea.
"How have things been on the Normandy?" The ginger asked instead, her tone low and kind. "I wanted to ask when I was there, but… I didn't get round to it. Are you alright, Miranda?" Her question felt genuine and Miranda consciously decided to misuse the concern that she sensed there.
She cares.
She lies.
"It has been…" Miranda began, then realised that she might have to be honest, because she had no idea how well Helena could read her. "It's been tough." She looked down at her wine. "Surprisingly so. You saw Anita, she voices her opinions about wanting to leave the loudest, but I'm sure there are others. Chakwas has spoken about bringing in outside help to assist with some of the trauma counselling, but the Illusive Man has denied her request." She watched as Helena's eyes blazed for a moment as she shook her head with disgust.
"He doesn't seem awfully keen on meeting the reapers full force," she said, her tone cold. Surprised by the statement, Miranda lost her pose for a moment.
"He is the only one doing something," she pointed out. "The only one gathering an army, acknowledging that we are under threat. Have you watched the news? The Council is blaming the colony disappearances on the collectors, not the reapers."
Helena stared at her and sniffed. "And you have to wonder why," she pointed out. "He's saying that he's doing this for humanity, that this is the greatest threat of humanity's existence, but you have to wonder how he defines the term if he can't act with so much as a shred of humanity when it comes to his crew. Your Cerberus fights for humanity, but look at the way they treated Jack. Look at the way the organization treats you."
Miranda slipped. "There's nothing wrong with the way he treats me," she said coldly, but the gesture Helena made with her hand as she seemed to wave her words out of the air spoke volumes.
"Stop lying to yourself," she said. "You're a tool to him. You are the perfect tool. He does not see you for who you are, but for what you can do, for what you can do for him. And the day you stop, the day you become defective, he will just find another shovel to play with."
The strange thing was she didn't know how to react. Helena hadn't attacked her personally and she had always expected no less of her opinion of Cerberus. But she had attacked the Illusive Man and what he stood for, what she believed he stood for and she should've defended him.
But she didn't – not immediately. She simply stared at Helena, trying to process what she heard. Trying to imagine how she could respond without losing her grip on the situation. It was in that moment that Helena blinked and took a shaky breath, the hairs standing up on the back of her hand as she shivered.
"Miranda, I'm sorry," she said and put her glass down. "I should go. I'm sorry…" She pushed herself up and began to leave the table, but Miranda knew how to react then. It came from instinct, not planning. Not precision, or what she needed to do for her mission.
It came from a gut instinct, a need to keep the ginger at the table not for what she knew but for who she was.
She reached out and took her hand as she began to walk past, holding onto it as Helena shuddered again. She met Miranda's gaze, shame and her ever present anger warring with each other for dominance. Shame won when Miranda looked at her and she dropped her eyes to the floor immediately.
Miranda responded by entwining her fingers with Helena and squeezing her hand warmly. "Stay," she whispered. "Please. It's alright."
Confused by her gesture, Helena looked back to her with a frown, but she did not pull away, the pressure of her fingers increasing. Miranda took a breath to steady herself, to take back her own mind, and smiled sadly.
"I know what you think," she said softly. "And I know what your opinion of Cerberus is. I knew before I invited you to this." She allowed herself to frown slightly. "I don't agree with you, I think that something happened to cloud your judgment, to cloud your perspective that you are so proud of." She kept her voice soft, barely above a whisper, barely audible in the ambience of the club around them. But she knew Helena could hear her regardless. "But I invited you anyway. I want to talk to you regardless. We're not here because of Cerberus. Please, Helena. Stay."
Helena looked at her and Miranda could almost feel her thoughts turning, the way she weighed her options, explored the possibilities of where their meeting could go. Perhaps she saw the future, perhaps she knew what Miranda's intentions were, but somehow the agent doubted it as she felt Helena squeeze her hand, saw her sigh and then slip back to her chair, draining her glass of wine as she did so. She took a moment to compose herself and Miranda, not wanting her to do so immediately, reached across the table and took up her hand again.
"Never stop being honest with me, Helena," she said. "Regardless of the subject, regardless of what you think the consequences might be. Never stop being honest with me. Please. I know how valuable your trust is. Your opinions and the fact that you can speak to me so…" She smiled. "Frankly."
Helena stared at her, her cheeks darker in the club and smiled. It was embarrassed, but it was genuine and Miranda knew that for the moment, she had her.
"Thank you," she said. "I am sorry, Miranda. I… care." She looked away. "I know you believe what you do. I just… don't know how you do it." Her gaze went to the table and suddenly Miranda realized that they were still holding hands. She let go slowly, but not before squeezing her hand again.
"How I do it?" she asked, allowing some humour into her voice.
Helena smiled awkwardly. "It's something I've always been curious about," she said and for a moment, they were back to flirting. For just a moment. But the topic seemed to weigh to heavy in her mind to abandon for which Miranda was grateful because she finally began to feel as if they were on the right track. "How do you stay with Cerberus? You're not cruel. You're certainly not blind to need and humanity – you wouldn't have saved Rinn if you were." Her voice dropped. "Even if you saved her simply to save me." Unexpectedly, Miranda's chest ached when she remembered that moment, to the two strangers locked together in battle of wills that would most certainly have cost both their lives if Rinn had won. "And you would've given Rinn to Cerberus if you didn't care or… couldn't see what shouldn't be done." Helena's gaze met Miranda's again. "So… I just wonder, how do you not see the rest?"
Miranda's mind turned for a second, shifting as she tried to position her thoughts, wondering if it was right that they continue the conversation in the club. She thought of the security risks, of who could be listening, because this was Illium and no conversation in public was safe.
But there were ways to get around that and she realized that this was important. How she handled it, how she handled Helena. Honesty was expected and perhaps needed because this wasn't about lying, but getting the truth out of Helena.
"Because I have to," Miranda said quietly. "Because someone needs to be able to do what needs to be done. To save the world; to save a life. To create and protect one while accepting that others will be lost in the process." She looked away from Helena, thinking about Shepard, thinking about Jacob and why he really died. It wasn't because of the collectors, but rather a mistake in judgement from Katelyn. They shouldn't have been in that ship, looking for a way to save Rinn. But they were. A man gave his life so that a hybrid may live. "I work for Cerberus because, regardless of what they do, of what they can do, they are still the only ones who bother looking to the sky and expecting a threat. And I don't agree with everything that they do, I don't always agree with the Illusive Man, but I recognize that sometimes things need doing. That sacrifices have to be made. You nearly sacrificed your friend, her sanity to get out of that pod." She mentioned it purposefully, knowing it would hurt Helena – knowing that it would draw her back to the mind and the desperation that she must've felt to survive. "If the Alliance were half as dedicated as Cerberus against the Reapers, I would've joined them. But even now they not only question the reaper threat, but Katelyn as well, the woman I had sacrificed two years of my life for to save and preserve. Her humanity, her soul. I embraced the inhumane idea of bringing someone back from the dead. How could I turn back from that? How can I turn away from what I did?"
She made sure to keep eye contact with Helena as she leaned forward.
"You speak of the other, terrible projects that Cerberus has run, but what is more terrible than what I did?" Where does this come from? Why is it so important for me to say this to her? "If I see all of those projects, if I judge them, I will have to judge myself. So I accept that however terrible, sometimes horrible things need to be done in the name of hope. And someone has to do it because not everybody has the stomach for it." She sat back and broke her gaze away from Helena to stare at her wine glass. She reached out and ran her finger down the stem of the glass. "So yes, maybe I am a tool. And maybe I am worse for it, for choosing to be so. Because I have accepted the only one who can save us is Shepard. Unless you can tell me that she is not as important as I feel she is."
There was desperation in Helena's eyes as she looked at her across the table and Miranda could feel her need to lie. To tell her what she wanted to, to deny Shepard. She saw it there in her eyes, her distrust of Katelyn, her need to deny the woman's authority. But she couldn't so she sat back and sighed.
"I think you're addicted to Shepard," she said quietly and her words struck Miranda though she didn't show it.
"Aren't we all?" She said softly. "Even you?"
Helena couldn't deny that either, but sat back, her anger simmering in her dark eyes. Miranda kept it there, hoping that it would remain because she knew that firstly it wasn't directed at her and that it made Helena unstable. She was her own worst enemy.
"Even the Alliance and the Council can't leave her alone," Miranda said. "Not completely. They could've just dismissed what she was, to send out a statement that she a fraud. Everybody would've believed them, they have that much power. But even they harbour the hope that she is corporeal, that she can be their saviour. They are pulling her in and there is nothing I can do to stop it because I understand why they need to."
The anger vanished as Helena looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?" she queried, making Miranda hesitate.
"Didn't you hear?" she queried. "Don't you know?"
Helena studied her features and carefully shook her head. The anger was turning colder, but Miranda doubted that it would stay that way. It never did with Helena because, for reasons Miranda couldn't quite understand, she needed her anger.
"I don't know what you're referring to," the ginger pointed out. "What's the Alliance doing with Shepard?"
Miranda pretended to be surprised. "I thought Liara might've mentioned it to you," she said. "I think Shepard's told her…" Helena snorted, making Miranda pause.
"I'm just a secretary," Helena pointed out. "She hardly has to tell me anything."
Miranda shook her head and met Helena's gaze for a moment. "You can be more if you apply yourself, Helena," she said honestly. "You can be very good at what she can teach you."
Helena's gaze was still a bit cold, if amused. "Information gathering?" She queried. "Maybe. Not a good start if I don't know what you're talking about." It was a reminder that she wanted to know.
Miranda shifted and played with her wine glass again. "The Alliance has questioned Katelyn's authenticity," she said and briefly allowed the irritation that she felt on the matter to enter her voice. "They question my work; demand that she returns to the Citadel for testing. Katelyn has… will comply."
Not showing any emotion, Helena only briefly raised her brow. "Against your judgment I presume," she pointed out and Miranda had to nod.
"The damage that they can do will be irreparable," she said. "And I don't trust their motives." She didn't like Helena's sudden smile.
"Now you know how people feel about Cerberus," she pointed out and looked at their glasses. She got up slowly to take the bottle and poured them some more wine. Miranda was interested to note that she held the bottle correctly, her stance almost echoing that of the waitress.
What kind of life have you led? She wondered as Helena slipped back into her chair, her features calmer as she studied Miranda. The agent returned her scrutiny, a bit surprised by her lack of reaction. There was no curiosity, but no recognition either.
"Are you afraid that they'll find she's a fake?" Helena restarted the conversation first. "What are you worried about?"
More things than one can discuss in a night…
"I am worried that they will use these tests to forward their own cause," she pointed out and once again noticed the cynical little smile that played in the corners of Helena's mouth. "What is it?"
Helena dropped her gaze and shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "Sorry." She seemed to force herself to grimace, to reset her features. "So you think that they will label her a fake." Miranda couldn't tell if it was another question or a statement.
"What do you think?" she queried. "Do you think that they will?" She hesitated. "Do you think that she is a fake? Is that why you…" She trailed off, but Helena looked up again, surprised this time.
"You're asking me?" She said and shook her head. "I don't look at her through the Alliance's eyes, Miranda. I don't see her as all of you do." She sniffed and frowned, but looked as if she regretted her words. Miranda left her as she struggled for a reply.
"I… don't think that Katelyn is a fake," she said finally then straightened a little. "I know she isn't. If she was, you would just have thrown out one of the clones and paraded her around. No. She is who she is. You don't do half jobs."
Miranda made sure that her frown appeared to be uncomfortable. "You know about the clones?" she asked softly.
Helena shrugged briefly looked to the ceiling. "It's obvious that you'd have used clones," she said. "Spare parts, tests – trial runs." There was some judgment in her eyes. "Like yourself, I don't allow myself to think about the possibilities, or allow myself the hope of thinking that Cerberus treated them with dignity or humanity. I would hope that they all died before they became conscious. Or self-aware."
Now Miranda was uncomfortable. The denial was there, the words that whatever was done with the clones had never been her department. She always simply put in an order and…
How would that sound? She will judge me for that… I should judge myself, but it was part of what I had to do… What the Illusive Man asked of me. I did his work without question then, I should continue…
She shook herself and tried to master her own thoughts, but not before praying silently to whatever god would listen to a creation not of his own, that Katelyn would never find out what she had to do. She looked back to Helena and found that the woman was watching her silently, pity making deep grooves in her face. She looked older than she had when they first arrived. It could've been all the weight she lost, or the faint trace of silver that had become more prominent on her head now that she had cut her hair, but she looked older.
"You're scared," Helena whispered. "Terrified."
Is it that obvious?
Miranda closed her eyes and shook her head, allowing her features to show her despair. Allowing her features to show her fear. It was so easy, it was like a switch. Her eyes suddenly burned with tears and she sniffed and wiped it away with a slow, precise gesture. When she looked to Helena she saw the woman's surprise. She had her hand outstretched as if she wanted to touch her, but couldn't quite bring up the courage yet.
"I know I shouldn't be," Miranda said. "But yes, I am. Wouldn't you be? Everything that you worked for, everything that you did, that you sacrificed – put up to the judgment of fools. I have no idea what will happen, what they will decide. How it will impact Katelyn. She doubts herself, I know that. She doubts me…"
Helena reached out and took her hand. It was a quick gesture, as if she had built up the courage to do so and was afraid that she would lose it in an instant.
"She doesn't," she said. "I know that. Katelyn doesn't doubt you. I don't think that is something that will ever change." Miranda enclosed her fingers around Helena, keeping her hand in place.
"We don't all have the luxury of certainty," she whispered. "Of foresight. That is for you alone it seems."
Helena stiffened and said nothing. Miranda held her gaze, held her hand. The ginger looked worried, but not angry. Not defensive. She simply looked trapped as if she knew what was coming and had no idea how to deal with it. Miranda almost asked her what she knew then stopped, knowing suddenly that she shouldn't push, that if she did now she would lose her.
"It's not a luxury, Miranda," Helena whispered. "Don't ever think that it is, don't ever think I understand what's going on or what's happening. Trust me, it's not like that. If it was, I'd have known about Shepard. I could even have told you what they'd decide." The last she said with a touch of bitterness, but it was the hook that Miranda needed.
"I trust that you know what you are doing," she said quietly and ran her thumb across Helena's hand before she pulled back. "Just… tell me something. Did I do the right thing?"
Helena was looking at her hand and then back to Miranda. She looked worried but there was also a touch of miserable despair in her eyes. "Do the right thing?" She queried and this time Miranda didn't look at her.
"Yes," she replied. "Was sacrificing the last of my humanity worth it?"
Helena blinked at her. "To bring her back?" She queried. "You think… You think you've lost your humanity because of it? Miranda, I don't think you have." She opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated. Miranda saw what she wanted to see, what she needed to see. She saw Helena consider to tell her the truth. It was there in a fraction of a second, the woman's need to share the secrets that she held, to not be alone in the darkness she must've seen in the future.
But caution stayed her tongue and she didn't speak immediately, but this time she smiled sadly and shook her head.
"I have to get back home," she said quietly. "Go and make tea... I mean supper for Rinn and myself." She took a sip of wine, sighed as she swallowed and then looked up.
"Miranda, you didn't lose your humanity saving Shepard," she said quietly. "I can't believe that. And I don't think you made a mistake. Regardless of what I feel… Shepard is the one to save us. I knew it in the mine, I knew it…" Her features twitched for a moment as it turned to darker memories. "I knew that she would be the one to come for us on the collector's base. If the future was a story, she's its hero. She is the key to all of this. There is a reason you feel about her the way you do. She will meet the reapers regardless of what happens on the Citadel when you leave." She smiled, but there was a touch of bitterness to it as she raised her glass to her lips again. "Regardless of what happens with the Alliance now or in the future. That's the way the story goes, isn't it? That's the way all heroes meet their foes."
Miranda wasn't sure what to feel as she listened to Helena's words, whether it was despair or intrigue that the woman did not deny her the knowledge outright. Once again the urge was there to question her, to ask her a question outright. To ask more of her.
But she knew that she couldn't, because she had made some progress. Because Helena didn't deny her. And maybe, that was enough for tonight. A mysterious promise of hope, that Shepard would make it to the face the reapers at least, possibly even win.
So she smiled at Helena and shook her head as if dismissing the whole idea.
"Let's not speak of this," she said. "Let's stop. It doesn't matter. Or… it does. But it shouldn't, not now." She met Helena's gaze, feeling her relief at being able to step away from the topic. Then she looked at the dance floor and smiled.
"Tell me, Helena Gordon," she pointed out. "Can you dance?"
She sat them down on her couch, because taking Katelyn up to her bedroom was too personal and staying by the dinner table, over cooling seafood and warming wine wasn't enough. She felt Katelyn's fear, her uncertainty and it was almost, almost enough to make her chicken out. But as she was readying her own mind for the meld, opening herself to the emotions of this spectacular woman, Liara could also feel the woman's need and it was enough.
Katelyn needed her and if she could give her just a little bit of peace, then she would do this.
Liara took Katelyn's hand as she shifted closer to her, smiling at her, wondering for a moment whether she should give in to the brief urge to kiss her lightly.
"It will be okay, Katelyn," she said softly. "I'll be careful."
The commander looked at her with wide eyes and nodded, but said nothing. Swallowing, stilling her own nerves Liara took a steadying breath.
"Empty your mind as before," she said. "Don't resist." She slipped her hand to Katelyn's temple, needing the contact. On impulse suddenly, she pulled the woman's head closer and rested their foreheads together so that she could feel the commander's short breaths against her lips.
Before either of them moved again she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
Embrace eternity.
There was a moment of confusion, a giddy tumble as their minds combined and emotions spilled into hers that wasn't of her mind and heart's origin. And then it settled and Liara could breathe.
It was like walking into someone's apartment after a very long time away. The furniture might have changed somewhat, but there were still touches of something so unmistakably Katelyn. Liara breathed in deeply, savouring the familiar yet so rarely tasted scent of the woman, knowing that it was the sensations beyond the meld that she was experiencing, but still finding herself unable to help it. It had been so long, not since after Virmire in fact, that she had wandered the commander's mind and the archaeologist in her couldn't help but absorb and observe and take delight in the passageways so few have ever tread in. It was something to be cherished and so she did because it told her a valuable thing.
That Katelyn trusted her to do this.
She let her mind go, exploring the room-like clusters of Katelyn's memory. She was also aware of another sensation, a strange foreign matter that felt alien, yet also so much a part of Katelyn. She stretched her mind towards it, feeling and decided that it must be the implants she sensed, those pieces of machinery that Miranda had to weave into Katelyn's body in order to compensate for the parts Liara could not salvage.
The asari almost slipped into her own mind for a moment, an echo of pain that she felt losing Katelyn crossing over the bond.
It came back to her, filled with warmth, love. Regret.
"I'm sorry I left you to hurt so much," Katelyn whispered and her voice was enough to anchor Liara. She didn't say anything, but allowed Katelyn to feel her relief, showing her briefly the memory she had upon seeing Katelyn cross the trading floor to her office that very first time.
The commander chuckled, a touch of wonder in her tone. It reminded Liara why she was here, in this woman's mind. So she pushed on, carefully examining the sensations and pulse around her. Yet, not all was open to her. Not all was here. As much as Liara could feel Katelyn's amusement, the familiarity of her mind, she also knew that the commander was holding back. That this was not all there was. It wasn't even as much as she had managed to glimpse on the Normandy.
I don't doubt you, she send the message through, not with her lips but with her mind. But, I will have to see more. You will demand more of me. Let go, Katelyn. Show me everything.
Fear pulsed against her.
"Liara," Katelyn whispered and for a moment the asari was almost brought back to her own body by a hand suddenly grasping her leg. "Liara, I…" The commander cut herself off, stopped talking and suddenly, the fear turned to resignation.
Katelyn exhaled and with it came a flood of emotions so strong they nearly engulfed Liara. She couldn't help but gasp. No longer was she in someone's clean apartment, but now she felt as if she was being tossed around in a storm, barely clinging to the lifeboat she found herself in. The first memory all but assaulted her, so fresh and clear in Katelyn's mind that the pain must've brought tears to her eyes. It certain did bring some to Liara.
I believe I have fulfilled my duty. I seek your release so I can return to my order and share with them what I've seen. Samara the justicar stood before a falling Katelyn, though the woman's body must've certainly remained upright, Liara could feel her sinking, tumbling…
She only stayed with me out of duty…. Words. Katelyn's.
The sensation on her leg was back. "Please, Liara," the commander begged. "Not that."
It hurt. It almost felt like a betrayal. Why do you feel so strongly for the justicar?
Liara gathered herself and moved on, charging towards familiar ground because she dare not look back upon the moment that Samara left Katelyn's office, leaving the commander to sink to the floor…
She found it. Memories of Kaidan, of Anderson on the Normandy. Ashley running on Eden Prime and the admiration Katelyn had for her valour on that dark day. Then day turned darker. Ashley's pleas over the communication link to save Kaidan as Katelyn made the call as to whom to save. Liara was amazed at how acute that loss still felt in Katelyn's soul and it dawned on her that she's had more than two years to deal with that day.
Katelyn only had a few months.
And there was betrayal there, nestled amongst the feelings of utter loss and regret. Katelyn felt that the Council betrayed her, after her choosing to sacrifice so many human lives. And for what?
A destroyed ship. Death. The Normandy burning all around them. Their memories combined for a moment, Liara's own horror and fear of that day spilling over as she witnessed first-hand how Katelyn saved Joker because she didn't know how to give up on one, single life.
She felt the terror of space as Katelyn's air ran out, the momentary loneliness of the black, the acceptance of death and then a moment of heat that seeped into the commander's skin before she suffocated.
And then Katelyn was alive again. Fear and confusion seeping through at Miranda's touch, an angel of gentleness in the pain of electrifying nerves. The confusion didn't stop there as Katelyn was pushed into a world she no longer understood. Strangers were her companions, friends were gone. She felt her own guilt pulse momentarily.
I should've been at the Lazarus station.
But she wasn't and she wasn't at Katelyn's side on Horizon, when Ashley – the woman she sacrificed a friend for – rejected her. Associated her with terrorists, if not daring to call her one to her face. Liara felt contempt from the Council and the Alliance rise up inside the commander like a bitter well. All betrayed her, all rejected her. Even Liara herself.
I'm sorry, Katelyn, she had said. But I cannot go with you. I have things to do. My own life.
That memory almost made her break the bond.
I'm sorry, Katelyn, she wanted to say but pushed on not because she needed conformation now, but because she was curious, horror bound to shift through Katelyn's memories to this very moment. She pushed through it all, the reunion with Wrex, her mixed feelings that came with working alongside Cerberus. Katelyn's admiration for Miranda, her need to show the woman that she was human. To Katelyn's surprise, it was Helena who brought that side of the Cerberus officer out so clearly, Helena whom she disliked without fully understanding why.
You can't train a devil to fight a devil.
Those words echoed along with another phrase, spoken by Katelyn herself.
If you wanted to carry on making decision for your friend, you should've stayed in the mine.
It was meant to hurt, to sting. Katelyn, Liara thought silently, why do you hate her?
She moved through it all, the deep-set failure as the Normandy's crew was abducted, the momentary comfort of Samara. It came back to the justicar, the pain that pushed so strongly against Katelyn in such a way that she could not deal with it. Another rejection, another failure. But it was personal this time. Samara abandoned her. Left her. Katelyn had thought that the justicar would be her compass, her support and she simply stepped away, pulled by another duty. Loss. Loneliness. Anger…
"Liara," Katelyn breathed and she severed the link. "Liara, stop."
Katelyn begged her. Katelyn begged her to stop.
She breathed, gasped for air to realise that Katelyn was holding her face, her finger pressing into her cheeks and temples. They were both crying, ragged sobs that could not be distinguished. Katelyn was trembling, her touch painful. Liara tried to form her name but couldn't, two words finding their way to her lips instead.
"I'm sorry," She breathed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Katelyn, wheezing with effort to control herself, pulled closer and wrapped her arms around Liara. The asari felt the commander's body heave against hers, Katelyn's control so near slipping away completely.
"Liara," she breathed. "It's… Just breathe." She heard Katelyn swallow, heard her take a breath for control. "Just… breathe."
She tried that, nearly failed, and then forced herself to relax, clinging to Katelyn's body as her mind milled around. She had no idea how long they sat there, clinging to each other until the asari could completely separate her own thoughts from those she had taken of Katelyn's. Her own emotions, her own pain.
Her own betrayal.
Samara, she thought. What is she to Katelyn?
There was an awkward silence suddenly as she felt Katelyn's hands begin to trace a nervous pattern on her back.
"So," Katelyn said finally when she instinctively must've sensed that Liara had returned to her senses. "Do I… Do I pass?"
Liara didn't know how to answer, her cheek resting against Katelyn's. There were no words to express what she felt, to try and make Katelyn understand that she now knew how lonely she was, how lost. Jacob's death lingered in the memories, a shadow pulled over even as she broke the connection. The need to protect Rinn, to save her.
She turned her head and kissed Katelyn's cheek, softly, pointedly. The woman froze at her soft touch and then closed her eyes and leaned into Liara's embrace.
"I take it that's a yes."
Relief pulsed against Liara even without the bond. Undeniable relief.
"You are who you were, Katelyn," she said. Broken, isolated. "You are… You mind…" She had to pull away from Katelyn for a moment.
"Katelyn, I am sorry. I went too far."
The commander closed her eyes and shook her head. "I asked you," she whispered. "Accepting the consequences." Her red rimmed eyes moved to Liara. "I don't care… what you saw. Your confirmation, your acceptance…" On impulse, Katelyn leaned forward and hugged her again.
"It's enough. It's what I needed. Thank you."
