Ok…. Not replied to all reviews (sorry sorry sorry) but I have been very busy with revising and watching MASH and feeling ill so I wrote this while feeling nauseous (damn Co-op cheese and onion sandwich!)
Here goes (this is for you, all of you, who are sick of work, revision and you know, breathing)
Chapter 12
Saboo was pissed off. At 6 AM in the morning, while riding on a magic carpet, slightly sodden with dew, tired and wet, it really wasn't surprising. But he could deal with all these trivial annoyances. If it wasn't for one thing…
"Saboo, you dizzy slag, I asked you to pass me a straw." Tony Harrison rasped.
Saboo leaned over and placed the straw three inches away from Tony. This was well out of Tony's reach.
"For Gods sake. What the hell crawled up your arse and died? I just wanted thebleedingstraw so I can drink me Actimel. If I don't get me Omega 3 then I'm messed up for the rest of the day." he explained.
Being only a head, it was impossible for Tony to lift the drink. And if he picked it up with his mouth he ran the risk of drowning himself in Omega 3 enriched yoghurt. And no one needs that.
"Oh for heavens sake Tony! I'm not your nursemaid. I can't just go running around after you. I mean when it comes to the crunch.." began Saboo
"Oh here we FUCKING go" said Tony Harrison. If there was one thing the behatted shaman could drivel on about for HOURS it was the crunch…
"When it comes to the crunch Tony, when worst comes to worst, what will happen? Hm? I'll tell you, bugger all because I'm running around after you, plying you with straws and faddy health items. Well that's not on, Tony. And if you mess this mission up for me, I swear, I swear Tony I will take you down."
"Why's this so important to you? It's just that Naboo we're following. Nice lad, a bit spaced out but I think he has a certain amount of charm" said Tony.
Saboo sighed. Tony Harrison, the phallus headed berk, would never understand. Saboo leaned over and picked up his clipboard, refusing to continue the line of conversation. He turned to a clean sheet of paper and began to make some notes.
Tony turned back to his yoghurty drink with a shrug. Well, the best imitation of a shrug a head with tentacles could manage.
Tony looked ahead of him, through the misty sky.
"Hey! Isn't that the Screaming Lake of Agony?" he asked.
"Howard? Howard? Howard? Howard? Howard? Howardddddddd? Howard? HowardHowardHoward? Howard? Howard?"
Vince Noir was trying to wake Howard Moon from his peaceful slumber. It was a difficult task, as Howard had managed to sleep through most of that morning's disturbances. Like Naboo losing his turban. Like Bob Fossil screaming because Vince hadn't made eggy soldiers. Like Vince nearly having a nervous breakdown because his straighteners wouldn't work.
But Howard had continued to sleep. What was particularly amazing was the fact that he had crashed out on the camper van's only table, where the others had just eaten breakfast. They'd balanced the toast rack on Howard's chest.It hadnt occured to any of just to wake the man, as that would be too logical.
Which was why, when Howard finally did stir, he spared the surrounding area with toast crumbs and little scrapings of butter. He also knocked over a small pot of coffee which spilled on to 'The Shaman's Guide of Tribal Negotiations and Rescue Missions". The writer senses foreshadowing, as this is the point where a snatch of 'uh oh' music would be played…
"Come on Howard, Naboo says that we're here!" said Vince excitedly.
It seemed that when Howard had finally given into fatigue and parked the camper van the night before, he'd managed to park it literarlly two inches away from a sheer drop into the Lake. Such is the irony.
"Of course we're here. Where else could we be?" said Howard, reasonably and a little sleepily.
"No, he means at the Lake! We're here to… I dunno do summat."
Vince had lost interest in Naboo's debriefing on the details of the mission back at the Zooniverse. If asked, Vince would've said he was pondering on higher things. Maybe he was… but it was far more likely he was thinking about Ziggy Stardust.
Howard shook himself with vigour, to wake himself up. Today would be a good day. A day when manhood is tested. A day when bravery and fear go hand in hand. And a day when Howard Moon was going to get his hands on the treasure of Xantu. A very good day indeed.
27 minutes later
Howard, Naboo, Vince and Bob Fossil were heading towards a primitive looking settlement on the edge of the Screaming Lake of Agony. The sky hung purpley over the lake, which was a mesmerizing hue of orange. The settlement was like a dark beacon in a pool of screaming colour. The terrain was rocky and the weather was hotly uncomfortable. Great.
Naboo was talking with unusual speed, but still managed to convey his laid back-ness. Hey, shaman can do anything.
"Right, when you meet the Xantunians, be polite. They are a very volatile people. Dixon Bainbridge is being held here because he wronged them in a great way." said Naboo. "So make sure you keep yoyur mouths shut."
Before anyone could ask about the nature of his wrong-ness, they had walked over an embankment and came face to face with tribe's noble leader.
The Xantunian's, according to the 'Shaman's Guide to Beings in the Known and Un Known Universe' (condensed Version), are a humanoid sized race and have purpley-green skin. They also have long blue hair. They generally where long green robes. The males have long plaited beards, as do the women.
They also speak like Grandma's with tinnitus and broken hearing aids due to their very small ears and lack of a developed hearing sensor in the brain. Their tribes favourite music is 'Simply Red'. It all adds up, you see.
Anyway, Naboo bowed to show his honour for the tribe, and also because he wanted to make sure his shoes were done up. He wasn't really used to walking very far. His stoner attitude meant that he only got up and walked about when it was absolutely necessary.
"Erm…. honourable Chief..:" Naboo only recognized the Chief due to his braided beard which had beads in it. Try saying that fast. Ha, you did. Now you look daft.
Naboo never got to finish his sentence. That was because the Chief staring enraptured at Vince, raised his hand and pointed at the young man.
"Her," he said , loudly, "she will be my wife!"
I'm going to leave you dangling there. Hey, I used the word vigour! We should bring it back! Reveiw please, xxxxxxxxxyz
