A/N Despite all my wishing, Twilight is still not mine…

It's sad Bella slept so long this night, while Edward had nothing but time to think…

'You are a stupid, unappreciative, idiotic prick. You greedy, self-centered, maniacal asshole, how could you allow this!? You are nothing but a heartless monster; a cold blooded, inconsiderate, egotistical son of a bitch! If you meant for this to happen or not doesn't matter one bit. Good intentions don't make the man, especially when he lets the beast within take over. What a worthless, undeserving, dumass loser! How could you have been such a sick, sadistic fool!? You knew better! '

I wished for death. Anything to escape this overwhelming self loathing that was suffocating me would be a welcome relief, but no. I deserved this hell, and no amount of internal torment would ever be enough to atone for what I had just done.

I stared at the thin wisps of gauzy netting that hung overhead, the whisper of a breeze wafting through it gently. I could hear dozens of nocturnal creatures starting to settle into there dens, as other animals started there day. Normally the noises that accompanied the arrival of another twilight comforted me, but not today. No, even the lap of the water on the beach was like sand paper on my eardrums this morning.

I thought of Carlisle, and all the ways he had tried to kill himself when he realized the monster he had become. He had thrown himself from great heights, tried to drown himself, drank many poisons, even starved, but to no avail. I wracked my brain for a plausible idea that he hadn't already disproved. I was fairly confident I would need to find a way soon. One must always have a contingency plan...

I closed my eyes, but the images were branded into my brain. I couldn't escape it. All I could see was the ravaged body that now lay draped across my chest. Even now, the bruises were still spreading across the battered flesh of my precious wife that I had so viciously mauled. I couldn't even bear to look at her, to see once again the evidence of my savage lust.

How had I let myself be so cruel, so out of control, knowing what could happen? 'Despite all your self righteous babble about being a gentleman, you're nothing but talk. Now you have certainly proven yourself to be a selfish, insensitive, frigid dick, and there is no doubt you were never deserving of her perfect love.'

She moaned in her sleep, and my chest tightened painfully. At least she had the sweet escape of slumber to fall into. I had tried to assess how much damage I had done, but I was terrified to cause her more pain by feeling her bones for fractures.

Would she cry when she awoke? Or could she bury the hurt till her attempts to move brought her pain to the surface where she couldn't hide it? She would most likely bite her lip, turn her eyes away from me, and tell me she was fine. Then I would probably explode.

Hmmm... I wondered if Carlisle had ever tried to blow himself up. Would it put an end to this horror, or just make a big mess? If this went the way I expected, I would try it. I contemplated that briefly, but then her breathing altered just slightly.

Had my feather light touch disturbed her? I was trying not to, but I just couldn't stop myself from stroking her soft skin while I still could, and had allowed the tips of my fingers to trace the lines of her back. I realized I was idly following the patterns of the many bruises covering her pale body, but I couldn't bear to break the contact just yet.

She was waking up, another moan slipping past those perfect, swollen lips. I couldn't force myself to breathe as my entire body tensed in preparation for what was about to come.

When Bella saw, and felt, what a monster I truly was, she would finally understand the truth of what I was, and perhaps even leave me. She would see I couldn't even protect her from myself, that I had been right before when I had left.

She was better off without me in her life, always hurting her, even in what should've been the purest moment of love and devotion. She deserves more than I am capable of offering. She is so bright and full of life, and should have every chance to shine in life. How had I ever allowed myself to risk her future?

I felt so weak. It wasn't possible for me to live without her now, and when my act of selfish stupidity destroyed her illogical faith in me, I would be crushed. Already the weight of the impending despair overwhelmed me.

I couldn't imagine the look of hurt and betrayal in those beautiful eyes, and I knew when I saw it there, I'd have no choice but to find a way to die...

Shall we see what he's thinking when she finally awakes?

Lots of reviews would help inspire me to post again soon…