Chapter 11
Bella
The flowers kept coming. Every day there was a new vase overflowing with colour and beauty. It had been two months since I'd last seen Sam and two weeks since he'd been leaving me these floral, sensory delights. My bedroom was overflowing with peonies, roses, lilies and orchids of every colour and size. The scent of happiness that enveloped the space – my space – was unlike anything I'd experienced in a long time.
Sam's notes came, without fail, with every new arrangement and each was sweeter than the last. I'd cried as I read every one of them, allowing myself a brief emotional reprieve, before shutting down again. I couldn't bring myself to throw them away, so I kept them bound together in an ornate, mahogany box beneath a floorboard I'd discovered was lose when Charlie had thrown me into the wall a few weeks prior. Inside the box I also kept one of every flower Sam had brought me, carefully dried to preserve them.
But despite the sense of happiness that surrounded me, I was torn. Risking Sam by being close to him was something I couldn't bring myself to do but I couldn't seem to let him go. Two months and he hadn't let up. Two months and I hadn't been able to forget about the man who'd saved me more than once, who could seal me in a cocoon of warmth when he hugged me and whose kisses made my mind go blank and my eyes roll back into my head. Sam. I wanted to give him everything but at the same time I couldn't give him anything. I was broken and I was dangerous; the people around me that I cared about ended up dead.
Sam had blamed himself for me pushing him away. He believed that it was because he tried to rush me, tried to take our relationship too fast and he scared me. I hated myself for letting him think that but it was the only way I could get him to stay away from me, from Charlie. Until the flowers started, I thought he just might give up. I was naive to think that a man like Sam would give up on anything he wanted and, for some crazy reason, he wanted me. As I lay in my bed on a Sunday morning after Charlie had set off for fishing with his friend from the station, I tried to understand his reasoning for the umpteenth time and came up blank.
The pain that racked my body as I climbed out of bed was excruciating. Charlie had been in a particularly foul mood since his shifts had changed and I couldn't do anything to keep him happy. The house was never clean enough, dinner was never cooked well enough, and his scotch was never poured correctly. It all equated to one thing: I was a terrible daughter and I deserved to be punished for that. I knew this – Charlie reminded me with every beating he gave me – but I couldn't help the fear. I was terrified of the next blow – would it be his fist or his knee? I was terrified of the eventual blood pouring from my nose or my mouth and Charlie's red hot anger if I made even more of a mess in an already appallingly kept house. Every time the fear took hold it froze my heart before I could stamp it down and shut off again. But I couldn't stop it. With each new beating, each new lesson, the fear came back again and choked me with it's intensity.
Imagining Sam in my place, taking a beating from Charlie like I had, was enough to steel my resolve. I had to get Sam to stay away, once and for all. Retrieving my phone from my bedside table, I had to sit back on the mattress as a searing pain travelled up my side and my vision turned black for a few moments. I knew my ribs were broken weeks ago but it seems that Charlie's antics last night had made them worse. Once I could see again, I opened my phone to another text from Sam.
S: Hey Angel, did you get the orchids? I hope you like them. I miss you. Please reply… I'm so sorry. Sammy xx
My heart broke all over again and suddenly the pain in the rest of my body was nothing compared to what I felt in my chest. I gasped for air as I rode out the waves of agony, thinking of how hurt Sam must be.
B: Hi, Sam. I did get them – they're beautiful. Are you free today at 12? Do you think you could come over to my place? We need to talk. – Bella
I tried to keep it calm and unattached; I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He needed to come here, while Charlie was gone, and I needed to end this once and for all. I was going to put my phone down, expecting Sam to take his time to respond but my phone buzzed almost as soon as I'd sent the message.
S: Yes! Absolutely! I'll be there, Angel. Are you sure you didn't want me to come over sooner? I'm free all day. xx
B: No, thank you. 12 is fine. I'll see you then?
Looking at the time I realized that it was already 10 in the morning and I wouldn't have much time to get dressed and get the house ready before Sam got here if I didn't hurry. I saw his affirmative response and quickly tossed my phone aside before limping my way down the hall to the bathroom, ignoring the mirror I'd covered with a towel when I got sick of seeing my reflection. I stripped quickly, turning on the shower and waiting until the water was almost scalding before I climbed in. I scrubbed furiously at my skin in a desperate attempt to wash the pathetic off myself before Sam got here; I didn't want him to see the same thing that Charlie saw when he looked at me – a disappointment.
I washed my hair with shampoo that smelled like freesia and pomegranate, enjoying the relief that I felt by massaging the bruises along my scalp. Realising that the pain in my chest was fading slowly, I almost managed a smile as I finished shaving my legs before turning the water off. Steam had filled the bathroom, caused by the heat of the water. Since I'd moved to Forks, although I wasn't sure of the exact time I started doing it, I'd taken to having scalding hot showers. For some reason, the heat calmed me.
I wrapped my dripping hair in a towel and, knowing Sam might want to use the bathroom when he got here, I took down the towel over the mirror and gasped silently at what I saw. My naked body was weak and my ribs and collarbones jutted out in a way I'd never seen before. Clearly I'd lost weight, which was no surprise considering the pain I was in near constantly prevented me from keeping any food down. I had a bruise bigger than I'd ever seen before over my ribs and the angry purples and reds of my skin supported my theory that I'd re-broken a few bones there. Luckily, my face wasn't as battered as it had been before and I could get away with some light makeup to cover just five small bruises that were a yellowish-blue and fading along my jawline – the perfect representation of the five finger pads that had put them there.
My reflection disgusted me but reassured me at the same time; there was no way that Sam would want to be with someone who looked so pathetic, so broken. I thought the idea of Sam not wanting me anymore would made this easier but, instead, I watched as tears welled in the sunken eyes of the woman I didn't recognize in the mirror and she wore the expression of heartbreak. As much as I wanted Sam to walk away, deep in my heart I wanted him to be with me and I didn't want him to think of me like Charlie did. As the thoughts swelled in my mind, I was sick in the toilet from stress.
I counted down from ten as I let myself cry and then I stopped, wiping my face and wrapping a towel around my malnourished, battered body. This technique had been working for me since I'd lost Mom and Phil; allow myself to feel ten seconds of emotion but after those ten seconds I had to shut them down. And I did, brushing my teeth before moving back into my room to pick out something to wear. The weather appeared nice outside, sun streaming in through my bedroom window and, despite myself, I wanted to look pretty for Sam. I checked the time on my phone – 10:48am – and I knew I had to hurry.
I pulled a pair of dark denim skinny jeans from my closet. They were high waisted and comfortable and they hugged my every curve. I threw them on without hesitation, noticing that they buttoned easily and were loose around my waist. Next, I pulled out an oversized, knitted, dark grey sweater with a neckline that didn't cut low enough to see the bruises on my chest but did show off the tanned skin I inherited from my mother. The sweater was loose, hiding my weight loss well, but the outline of my breasts was obvious beneath the wool and I felt comfortable but pretty. I rolled the sleeves of my sweater up to my elbows to give me better use of my hands and slid on a pair of black ankle boots at the foot of my bed.
I checked again – 11:06am – and raced to the bathroom to fix my face. I put a light layer of foundation over my fading bruises and used some skillful contouring to make my face appear fuller and hide my weight loss. I blow-dried my hair, letting it fall in big curls below my shoulder blades and styled it in my usual way, hiding part of my face. Once I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror for a moment and was satisfied with what I saw. There was a light in my eyes that I hadn't seen in weeks and I knew it had everything to do with Sam coming over. Before I could let myself smile at the thought, I remembered that he was coming here so that I could end things once and for all. I ignored the stab in my chest. 11:39am.
I ran down stairs as fast as I could manage with pain shooting down my side and frantically cleaned the kitchen – it wasn't spotless and I couldn't have Sam coming into a house that wasn't well kept. I re-scrubbed the sink, checked all of the dining chairs were neatly and evenly tucked under the table and then made sure that all of the couch cushions were straight in the dining room. Just as I was thinking about a quick vacuum of the floor – 11:48am – I heard a knock on the door and my stomach dropped. I'd been so absorbed in cleaning that I hadn't heard anyone pull up and now I wasn't sure who was out the front. Sam was early? Or was it Charlie on the other side of that door ready to catch me red-handed with someone here that I should have?
My heart pounded in my chest as I made my way to the front door, trying to step as quietly as possible. My breath caught in my throat as I lifted a shaking hand to the doorknob and turned, painfully slowly, before pulling the door open to reveal my fate. Overcome with both relief and terror, I was greeted with Sam's huge form stuffing the doorway with his hands behind his back. He wore dark denim jeans, like me, and had a white t-shirt on that reminded me just how incredibly muscled this man was. His chest and his biceps stressed the material, threatening to break through it at any moment. As my eyes travelled up his body, I took a deep breath before I let myself look at his face. He was smiling so huge it looked like it was hurting his cheeks and his eyes were wide with an emotion I didn't recognize. "Hi, Angel. It's so good to see you." His voice was like honey and I suddenly had goose bumps all over my skin.
God, he is so handsome, I couldn't help the thought that popped into my head. Just as I was about the acknowledge him, he pulled his hands from behind his back to reveal an arrangement of freesia's – my favourite flower – in stunning pink, purple, orange, yellow and white. They were incredible and my heart softened that he still hadn't given up on the flowers; he wanted to make me feel special. "I brought these for you. Freesia's are my favourite. They remind me of you." He seemed unsure, nervous as he gently held out the bouquet, wrapped in hessian and twine. I forced a smile, signing to him 'Thank you' before taking them from his hands and gesturing for him to come inside. Signing felt foreign; I hadn't been able to communicate in my silent language since I'd last seen Sam. I'd missed the ease of communication. Feeling tears well in my eyes, I turned my back on him and pulled a vase from beneath the sink, filling it with water and transferring my flowers into it before carefully disposing of the wrapping. I set the vase on the kitchen counter, deciding to move it later rather than disappearing up to my room now.
I placed both hands on the counter top, my knuckles turning white as I worried the timber with my fingers in an attempt to find the words that I needed; the words that would break Sam's heart. Taking a deep breath, I poised myself to face him when I heard, "Bella," His voice broke as he strained to speak through tears. He continued, "I'm so sorry…" and that was all I needed to hear. I spun around and threw myself into his arms, wishing mine were longer so that I could fully wrap myself around him. All previous intentions forgotten, I felt tears running down my cheeks as I burrowed into Sam's warmth and squeezed tighter, afraid that if I didn't hold on to him he would disappear. His arms clamped around my immediately, enveloping me with his strength, affection, devotion. I was safe here.
"Angel, I've missed you so much. I promise you, I will never, ever push you again. Please… I need you in my life. I've gone crazy these last few months without you and I know I'm an idiot but please forgive me. Please, give me one more chance to prove to you that I'm worth it." He was babbling and he rocked me from side to side, trying desperately to keep me close to him. I'd hurt him so badly and all I needed to do was make that go away; nothing else mattered.
Sam
She was in my arms and all at once I could feel her after what had felt like a lifetime. Her emotions were potent, bordering on overwhelming and changing in rapid succession – pain, hurt, guilt, sadness, happiness – before they finally settled on a feeling of complete belonging, with a curious amount of guilt that I'd mull over later. For now, I needed her to stay here in my arms. All of the pain and desperation that I'd felt while she'd been gone had hit my like a tonne of bricks and I was suddenly terrified of losing her, of this all being a dream. I was babbling, begging her to forgive me as she buried her face further into my abdomen. She was so tiny, curled up against my body, and she felt so cold. I wanted hold her tighter but I was scared – scared of her reaction, scared of hurting her scared of pushing her away again.
And then, all at once, that fear was gone as she looked up at me with big, tear-filled eyes so full of adoration and longing that my mind went blank to everything but needing to taste her. I lifted her in a second, cupping her ass and wrapping her legs around my waist as her face met mine and, before I could form a conscious thought, my lips were on hers. They were famished and desperate for my love, my imprint. I kissed her with an urgency and passion that I'd never experienced before as I tried to, somehow, convey every ounce of love and desire that I felt for this woman.
Her arms wrapped around my neck and she was pulling me closer, opening her mouth to my tongue and sucking on it as I probed her mouth for what felt like the first time in years. My hands travelled upwards, one wrapping around her back and settling on her waist while the other knotted in her hair to keep her face molded to mine. She sighed silently – I felt her chest move up and down heavily – as she leaned into me even further and I was home. My wolf was fervent, howling in my mind as he celebrating having our mate back in our arms. My heart was full and the pain of the last two months was gone, as it if had never existed in the first place.
After longer than I thought possible for a human to go without breathing, we reluctantly broke apart. Bella gasped for breath as I heard her heart pound furiously in her chest. Her eyes met mine and I pulled her tighter against my chest as my hands started massaging her back gently. I kissed her forehead before resting mine against it, nuzzling her nose with mine.
"I missed you so much, Angel. I've wanted to kiss you every second of every day." My confession wasn't thought through and for a moment I worried that she would pull away again. Instead, she beamed at me before pulling me back into another kiss, this time languid and slow but overflowing with the same passion that always left me breathless. In that moment, I knew that she would be the one I was going to kiss for the rest of my life, and I would spend just as long proving to her that I was worth it.
Once we'd finally separated, I'd let my Bella back down onto her feet. She admonished me, telling me I looked too skinny, and whirled around the kitchen fixing me a steak and salad for lunch. She refused to let me help so I did the opposite by distracting her with kisses or wrapping my arms around her when she turned her back on me. I'd been starved of her affection for too long and now I was finally able to indulge in the pleasure that is my imprint.
After lunch, which was the best meal I'd eaten since I'd last had her cooking, I asked her to come with me to dinner and a movie tonight. She said she couldn't and for a moment I was a nervous wreck all over again, before she suggested, What if you drive me to school tomorrow and then we can do dinner and a movie tomorrow night? I was delighted and agreed without hesitation, mentally noting that I'd need to get Paul to cover my patrol the following evening.
We sat in the lounge and I watched my imprint sign animatedly, telling me about her new friend Kim, Kim's brother Brady (I'd have to keep an eye on him, he sounded a little too enchanted with my woman) and Kim's crush on Jared. When I offered to introduce Jared and Kim, Bella immediately asked me not to mention anything to him because Kim wanted to meet him in some sort of fairytale way. I laughed at the idea of Jared being anyone's prince charming and reveled in the adoration in my angel's eyes as she watched me, making a mental note to keep Kim's crush from slipping into Jared's mind when we next phased together. God, I'd missed her more than I'd ever thought possible. I'd been in so much pain, so much turmoil without her and after an hour of being in her presence I was healed from my afflictions and whole again.
Some part of me had to be touching my Bella at all times. I was scared that if I let her go she would disappear again. I was gentle with her, conscious of the fact that her absence had been my fault – I'd pushed her too far but I wouldn't be making that mistake again. She seemed relaxed, happy. There were bags under her eyes, covered by makeup but still visible and I noted that she mustn't have been sleeping, either. Despite her baggy sweater, I could feel how dangerously skinny she was when I held her and I was determined to help her regain some weight.
The imprint fascinated and confused me. Clearly Bella had suffered by being separated from me, just as I had suffered. Clearly she hadn't been able to eat, just as I hadn't been able to eat. But for some reason, I hadn't felt her pain. Her emotions were somehow blocked from me until now, once I was touching her, I could feel everything again. In the time we'd been separated, I'd been trawling through anything and everything I could find about imprinting and mating from the old packs but I'd found nothing. I still had more manuscripts to go through but it seemed hopeless. I might just be the only wolf in the pack's history that couldn't feel his imprint's emotions without direct contact.
My Bella distracted me from my train of thought when I felt her tiny hand – it was so cold – cut my cheek. I allowed her to move my face towards hers and my eyes fluttered closed as she placed a gentle kiss on my lips. I growled low, too low for her to hear, when she tried to pull away after just one kiss. Just like that, we were lost in each other again, a tangle of twisted limbs and sighs as I devoured her mouth once again and felt her body warm as I held her against me.
