chapter 12 Letters and Past Regrets
A/N In my last play through of DA2 I actually got max friendship between Carver and Hawke, don't ask me how, but I do feel that despite their differences that as a family unit they would need to put these aside in the interest of survival, and my Hawke is ever the nice one (I do hate being a hater in games!). Just a little chapter about family.
Laying her staff against the bench in the entrance hall she says "We'll get something to eat - starving by the way - then I need to write a letter to Carver to let him know he's going to be an uncle. Then maybe head to Gamlens to see what all the fuss was about this morning?"
Walking into the main room, they both head directly to the kitchen, not being able to resist the delicious mouth-watering aromas wafting in their direction.
As always, the young blonde elf was cooking up a storm, several pots boiling on the open fire and at the same time the kitchen itself was immaculate, Orana had proved a vital addition to their household.
Still very nervous around strangers, she rarely crossed the threshold to venture into the main city itself, preferring to potter around the humble well-kept garden on the estate and helped tend the small herb gardens.
Though, mess with anything in the kitchen itself, then you're inviting trouble as it was the one area in the house that Orana came out of her shell.
Hawke remembered one time where she had invited the girls round for a girls night in, and Izzie had snuck into the kitchen to pilfer some freshly made chocolate cakes, but had only just made it out with her fingers intact. The petite elf, who had appeared from nowhere had caught her snooping and had then menacingly stood guard with a rolling-pin of all things!
Izzie had seen the funny side and had left the kitchen with a flurry of apologies giggling to herself.
With a cheerful hello in greeting to Orana, Hawke slid into the seat next to Fenris, who was already pouring her a mug of water and himself a mug of wine at the same time watching the activity around him with great interest.
Todays meal was a rich beef stew, with chunky vegetables and still warm crusty bread with lashings of butter to which they both tucked into with enthusiasm, not wanting to waste a drop, their soft voices lost among the louder noises of the kitchen.
A while later, with Fenris out in the yard taking advantage of the sunlight and making small repairs to his rather massive great sword, Hawke settled at the modest desk in her room.
She grabbed a roll of parchment, picked up a newly sharpened quill and opened the ink well ready to start that letter, allowing herself to think about her brother and how much she missed him.
Although, they hadn't always been as close as they were now.
Closing her eyes as she remembered with not so much a fresh sadness, but an ache born of past regrets due to the waste of the lost time.
Precious time spent arguing, mostly due to Carvers antagonistic almost vicious attitude he'd had towards her - his own petty jealousy creating a rift between them that she had fought hard against and sought harder to repair.
It wasn't her fault that she and Bethany had been born mages and that their father needed to spend more of his precious time nurturing their talents, to make sure they were no danger to themselves or others. Her father had loved them all equally, but despite knowing this Carver had felt bitter and resentful.
She knew that Carver did love her, deep down, but it seemed he hadn't liked her very much and therefore hadn't made a lot of time for her which had been hurtful.
Bethany's death had hit them all hard, but as he shared a family link none of them were ever to understand, he'd kept his grief buried until they had returned from obtaining their grandfathers will for mother - he had angrily blamed her for not saving their sister, his twin.
The open shock that had registered on his face would have been comical had it not been for the seriousness of the discussion when she had tearfully agreed with him, guilt shining in her eyes, and at her admission his temper had rapidly cooled with the wind being knocked out of his sails.
Her finding letters which had revealed his namesake had in a big way, helped to breach the gap between them further. Discovering that he'd been named after a Templar who his father had greatly respected, meant he had something of his own to link him personally with their father and in that respect, their families history.
Although he usually disagreed with Natalia's choices - mainly out of spite - he did appreciate his inclusion in the many adventures they travelled.
It wasn't until the famed Deep Roads expedition that things came to a head. Everything that happened on that fateful journey was forever etched into her mind. From the bright sun burning high above them, the ever-present soar of the eagles in the sky, to the distress filled eyes of their mother when she had agreed that Carver should join them despite the protests.
To this day, she regretted going against her mothers wishes but to have gone without him was at that time unthinkable, and having no way to know what was to happen, they had all been blind to the dangers they were about to expose themselves to.
With anguish she pictured the sight of a usually formidable woman walking away, shoulders slumped in defeat, and she had not been able stop herself from running after her, embracing her and asking for forgiveness with a small promise to keep him safe.
That promise hadn't gone to plan and she had felt like an utter failure, what with Carver nearly falling to the blight. Again she thanked the Maker for Ander's intervention as if he hadn't had another option to bring him to the Grey Wardens, she more than likely would have had to end his suffering at her own hands, and that would have killed her.
With the few sporadic letters she'd received from him it seemed that he had finally found his own path, not that she would have loathed it at all if he'd still been with her, but in her own heart she had known that for him to find some sort of happiness, he would have found a way to leave and carve out his own destiny eventually.
At least his letters showed that he was no longer fuelled by the anger that had filled his heart for so long, and for that she was most grateful. If anything he now understood and appreciated the role his elder sister had played in his life, and actually made small jokes about him being under her shadow. The jokes were in no way meant as a slight to her, but tempered with love.
When the Qunari had declared open war against the Viscount and people of Kirkwall, their chanced brief meeting wasn't filled with anger or bitterness, but mutual sorrow over the death of their beloved mother and tinged with a small relief that Natalia's own hand had killed the mage responsible.
Soon after that horrific day, two separate attempts at kidnap had brought them together again and they had unravelled a plot against them, had joined forces like old times, to battle rogue wardens and an ancient evil. Being together through that long drawn out battle they had bonded even further, especially after discovering long-held secrets about their father and mother - instead of pushing them further apart drew them together.
Wiping the tears from her eyes preventing from them dripping on the blank page "Wow, seriously I am so emotional right now!" Hawke dips the quill into the ink and starts to write.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Carver,
I trust that things are well, and this letter finds you safe and relatively unscathed? Well as safe as you can be in these trying times!
Enclosed is a little gift for you, just a little coin, so maybe you can buy some ink paper and quills - just a hint x
Firstly, it would be lovely for you to write more often, and yes I know I don't write as much as I said I would, but I do send something at least one a month, so you can't sit there with that scowl and argue with me so there, much as you'd like to.
Being "Champion" is busy but it's not as glamorous as it sounds - just fixing other people's problems really - mostly involving knives and traps which are aimed at me and my friends. Missing it much? I know I would like to have a break from it all.
Blaze sends his hugs, well, that's if he could hug of course, but if you were here he'd definitely be slobbering all over you, he knows how much you love that!
Everything is okay here, quiet enough would you believe? Still the odd faction out for my blood - no pun intended here. After the Qunari episode and with Meredith tightening the already restrictive reigns, some are too afraid to step out of line. She is a little scary, there's a look in her eye I don't trust, but hopefully everything will be roses from here on in, if she would only stop arguing with every mage she sees. Not me - I try to stay out of her way.
I miss having you by my side, but it's great to hear you're all grown up, but when I do have trouble, more often than not Fenris is here for me.
Just if you didn't get that glaringly obvious hint - he and I are together. I know you two didn't get on before you left, but I never told you who to love so I would appreciate it if you showed the same courtesy, please? Yes, I do love him very much and can't see myself with anyone else - ever.
Sorry for making you feel sick there with that little awfully sweet admission, but there really isn't any other way to tell you.
Yes he's an ex-slave and an elf and he did hurt me a while ago, but we've both gotten past that. Mother was actually happy for me, so I hope you are too...please?
Anyway, it's a little late if you don't agree, you see - you're going to be an uncle!
Now don't scowl and no, Fenris doesn't need to be beaten to a pulp so stay where you are, until you've calmed down at least. It was to say, a bit of a shock for us both, but we're very much looking forward to it now. We've got about 8 months to get used to the idea.
To be honest I am aware that Mother would have wanted me married before children came along, but I hope she's watching over us with a smile. I really miss her and I really don't know how I'm going to do this without her. I am scared - there, I said it - me scared of something, please don't fall off your seat!
I've already got an amazing bunch of people willing to help me out, but it isn't the same as I know a piece of me is still afraid without her, so yes I wish you were here, but you're not so I have to make the best of it. Mind you I'm not sure what you would do, apart from a lot of pacing and brooding, but I've got my own brooding champion for that, but having you here would be nice.
Not sure what I would prefer, boy our girl, but I hope its healthy and fat! No names yet either but please write with your suggestions, nothing to vulgar or stupid. However, I was thinking of Carver for a middle name - and on this I am totally serious, it's a good name, a strong one.
So there you have it, all the news of the week, please write soon, I do wish someone would invent some sort of contraption that would speed up the letter delivery process as you know I'll be getting all anxious for your reply worrying what you think.
Before you start worrying about me, I've already decided to stop fighting and I'll be helping out at the Chantry so staying out of trouble.
As I said earlier in the letter, please find the coin enclosed and don't worry I can afford it, and this is really your share. Oh and Izzie sends her regards - anything to tell me brother dear?
Maker bless you and keep you.
Lots of love
Natalia
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Waiting for the ink to dry, Hawke folds the letter and places a rather large coin purse within the folds of the parchment and, picking up the nearby lit candle uses it to melt a stump of sealing wax, waits for a blob to drop and presses the ring with the Hawke crest against the cooling wax. Dipping the quill in the ink again she turns the now thick letter over and writes Carver's address on the blank space.
Leaving the letter on the side of the desk, ready for posting later, she sighs and stretches out the kinks in her neck and wonders what the time is.
Standing up and walking to the bathing room, she washes her blackened fingers free of the ink and goes to check on how Fenris is getting on.
