Story Details: Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright?

Disclaimer: I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun.

Author's Notes: So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing.

Warnings: The perfection of Kiki, I guess.

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Salvation was near. Gaara could feel it in his bones.

Shielding his eyes from the glaring sun, the redhead couldn't quite keep a small (as so tiny it could almost be nonexistent) sigh of relief from escaping his lips. The rather intimidating wall of Konoha was only a few minutes away. Once he reached it, he would be free from the white menace which was currently skunking behind him. Gaara didn't even want to think about what the guards would think when they saw Akamaru tagging along after the Sand's most feared ninja. God, Temari was so dead. Gaara's reputation would never be the same again.

Akamaru, to be frank, was just glad to be back in a place where trees and other green shrubbery were a normal occurrence. He had seen enough sand to last him his life. Risking a glance at his unwilling "bodyguard" (not that Gaara would ever admit to that, not even under another one of Temari's lectures), Akamaru was really, really thankful that his time with the stoic and rather evil looking boy was about to come to an end. Hell, he'd even take Kiba heartlessly ignoring him if it meant that he could get away from Gaara.

But, just as salvation seemed so close, a feminine and familiar scream from the forest to the right of them stopped the two in their tracks.

"Kakashi! Please! Let me explain!"

Horror quickly replaced any other feeling as the puppy realised exactly who that voice belonged to. Gauging the distance between himself and the gates of Konoha (where sweet, sweet freedom was), Akamura rose on his shackles before making a run for it. A second later he was roughly grabbed by his neck and lifted from the ground, his legs still moving comically beneath him.

Gaara just dangled the squirming puppy in front of him, keeping the canine as far away from himself as possible. The sand in his gourd shifted hungrily. It'd been a while since it had anything else but humans to squish and it was in the mood for mutt-meat tonight. Gaara ignored the sand. Still keeping Akarmaru at arm's length, Gaara glared. "Stop."

Akamaru stopped.

He stayed perfectly still as Gaara shifted his attention to the forest, trying to pinpoint the source of voice. Akamaru really, really hoped that the boy wasn't thinking of taking after Kiki. He didn't think he could survive another encounter with her without any of his allies by his side.

Meanwhile, Gaara was confused. Who was the girl he had just heard? She sounded so desperate and alone. Just like him. Without knowing why (or how), Gaara just knew that the girl had suffered as much (if not more) than him. She understood his pain whilst no one else did and she knew exactly what he had (and still is) going through. Even Naruto didn't fully understand him, just as he didn't fully understand the blond. But, this girl! She knew exactly how lonely and bitter Gaara felt. The pain in her voice was so obvious and Gaara, for the first time in his life, felt his burden lift slightly from his shoulders. Finally he'd found somebody who understood him.

As the authoress sits slightly stunned at Gaara's show of humanity, she couldn't quite help but wonder if the redhead's mental state had finally snapped due to his lack of sleep. After all, Gaara was sounding like he was talking about things that weren't, well, quite there, if you know what I mean. She certainly didn't hear any loneliness or pain (alright, maybe a little bit of pain) in Kiki's voice. And also, how the hell, she would like to know, did Gaara know so much about Kiki's personality and oh so sad (sobsobsob) past from five words? That doesn't even constitute a sentence! Just as the authoress is about to subtly suggest (she really didn't fancy being squished into a bazillion drops of blood curtsey of Gaara's sand) that the redhead go and lie down in a dark room somewhere, Gaara took off, poor Akamaru still dangling helplessly from his grip.

Gaara needed to find the girl who sounded so like him and do the whole bonding thing. Akamaru just wanted to die. Why him?

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Kakashi swore rather crudely as he jumped from tree to tree. After Kiki had found the trio that morning, his day had gone from bad to "the worst day of his beeping beeping life!" Which, if examine Kakashi's life closely, was saying something. I mean, getting an eye transplant from your best friend as he lays next to you dying has got to rate pretty high on the "Days Kakashi Would Rather Forget" list.

As if shattering his world wasn't enough, Itachi also had the gall to sit and laugh (well, smirk actually. Can you imagine Itachi laughing?) at his stupidity for most of the night. Unbeknownst to Kakashi, Itachi was just trying to make up for his earlier display of what seemed like concern over Kakashi's well being by being extra evil. Needless to say, both parties walked away with plenty of bruises and mental scarring. Naruto just pissed his pants laughing. That'll teach Kaka-sensei for teaching Sasuke the Chidori and not him!

So when Kiki suddenly popped up in the tree they were hiding in (it's tree for Christ's sake! How can you hide in a tree?) doing her almost crying thing, the three had panicked. Yep! That's right! Two of the best shinobi to ever come out of Konoha and the self-proclaimed future hokage (just you watch!) had all screamed in a rather unbecoming fashion before running for their lives.

Something must've gone wrong somewhere in the divine order of things.

"Kakashi! Please! Let me explain!"

All three males just ran faster. They really needed to regroup and come up with a feasible plan before taking on Kiki. They weren't ready for such a challenge! They weren't prepared! They were all going to die! They were –

By now, the authoress is puzzled (and slightly disgusted). She always thought that shinobi were supposed to be prepared for any situation. Come rain, snow or shine (or wind or sleet or fire or landslide), the shinobi would get their jobs done, no fuss kicked up. Sheesh! You call yourselves shinobi? I've seen fish be better shinobi than you three (no pun on Kisame's behalf intended). And to think that I used to think how cool you wer-

Hello Mr Sharigan, sir. No sir, I didn't mean you, sir. Please don't hurt me, sir.

And that's how the authoress learned to never question their decisions ever again.

Unfortunately for our three unprepared heroes, Kiki was faster than them all (being the super, uber cross-country runner than she is) and easily overtook the group. Screeching to a halt, Kakashi narrowly avoided bashing into his ex-soulmate, therefore sending them tumbling to their deaths thirty feet below. Naruto, however, didn't have the superior braking capabilities of his older counterparts and connected solidly with a tree. Only Itachi's rather reluctant last minute (last second, really) grab for his jacket saved him a trip to the afterlife.

Naruto just grinned widely, clearly suffering a head injury of some kind. Squinting up at Itachi, the blond let out a rather scary giggle.

Almost fangirl scary. I know, that scary!

"You 'ook 'ike a 'airy. A pwetty, pwetty faaaaaaaaaaaaaaairy!" Followed by more fangirl-sque giggling.

Itachi's eye twitched and his fingers promptly uncurled from their grasp on Naruto's jacket. Nobody called him pretty and got away with it. He wasn't pretty! Beautiful (in a purely manly way)? Yes. Pretty? NO!

Wha-?

Oh, eh, right. And he also wasn't a fairy. That's right! He was a fa- WASN'T, he wasn't a fairy!

As readers backed away from the elder Uchiha (who was starting to give off rather strange vibes), Kakashi faced a much greater challenge. Kiki.

Steeling himself against an onslaught of pure Kiki-ness (he'd been warned of the symptoms the previous night) Kakashi mentally counted his weapons.

Kiki, unaware of the danger she was in, just regarded Kakashi through saddened eyes glistening with tears (because what else would saddened eyes have in them? Blood?). She unconsciously clutched at the front of kimono and worried it in her grasp as she tried to think of the words to express how sorry she was to have hurt Kakashi. "I'm sorry Kakashi. I really am. You were never meant to get hurt."

"Well, that didn't work out too good now, did it?"

Kiki bit her bottom lip, looking torn between bursting into tears and launching into a full-fledged speech on how even she can make mistakes, etc., etc. Kakashi didn't look impressed (not that you can really tell from his face, considering the mask and all, but it was just the feeling of unimpressed-ness that came off Kakashi).

"If it's any consolation, I really did love you."

"It isn't and I don't care."

Kiki, at this point, did burst into tears, all the while cursing her painful life and the heavens for bestowing such a heavy upon her delicately heaving shoulders. What did she do to deserve this? It wasn't as if she went out looking for trouble. She really had loved Kakashi! But, deep in her heart, she knew that Itachi was the man for her and the love she felt for Kakashi was child's play when compared to the depth of emotion she had for the elder Uchiha.

Strongly reminded of the love scenes in the tacky romance novels (that one picked up from airports and newsagencies) with X-rated covers that Kisame usually had his nose buried in, Itachi rolled his eyes. Could this get anymore clichéd? Kiki might as well stumble towards Kakashi, tears running down her face, before she threw herself into his arms and declaring her undying love for him. Itachi smirked, but it was wiped off his face a second later as Kiki really did start to stumble towards Kakashi, tears streaming down her face.

Capable of only blinking in shock, Itachi watched as Kiki threw herself into Kakashi's arms and burying her face into his chest. Oh dear God! Is this where the declarations of love come in? Itachi growled. He did not want to go through the trouble of re-converting Kakashi to his side again. Once was enough trauma for the both of them, thank you very much!

Which was why he did what he did, he supposed later on.

Before he was even aware of moving, his body was between Kiki and Kakashi. Physically shoving Kiki away (he'd have to wash his hands several hundred times to even feel remotely clean), Itachi glared at her. Kakashi was already starting to look dazed due to exposure to Kiki and he was beginning to see the errors of his wa-

NO!

He was not seeing the errors of his ways damn it! He didn't have any errors! Kiki cheated on him. He would not understand! He would not congratulate her on finding her true love! He would not be happy because she was happy!

"Focus on the pain, Hatake. Focus on the pain. Focus on the pain. Focus on the pa- OW! Why the hell did you do that you motherfuc-!"

"You're the one muttering "Focus on the pain." I'm only helping you focus."

This deadpan explanation was followed with another one of Itachi's infuriating smirks. Kakashi just growled as he yanked the kunai from his thigh and tried to stop the bleeding.

"You didn't have to actually stick a kunai into my leg!"

"Only trying to help Hatake. No need to get your panties in a twist."

Kakashi, at this point, turned a rather alarming purple colour. Neither of the men noticed the new gleam in Kiki's eyes as she regarded the two. In fact, neither of men even seemed to notice Kiki's presence anymore. This probably had something to do with the fact that Kiki had suppressed all her chakra and seal-lessly performed a jutsu which allowed her to hide her physical presence in a split second (another wonderful jutsu brought to you by BullShit Jutsu Inc.)

"I wonder..." she muttered to herself as she watched Kakashi take a swipe at Itachi with the bloodied kunai. Crossing her arms, Kiki tilted her head to one side as Itachi ducked the swipe and increased his smirk. "I wonder indeed..."

"Kaka-sensei?"

The two broke off their fight to stare at the pale blond. Naruto looked like he had had better days. Clothing torn and dishevelled beyond the point of repair, twigs and leaves sticking out from random positions in his hair and said torn and dishevelled clothing and a nasty looking lump on his head. Hanging limply on to a branch, it was obvious that the blond had climbed back up after the tree after he had fell (with no small thanks to Itachi's image complex).

"What happened Naruto?" Kakashi was frantic as he rushed to help his student up. The Fourth would so kill him if he was alive and saw Naruto in this state.

"Ita-bastard let go of me and I fell."

Kakashi whipped around, eye narrowed and all but spitting fire. Itachi didn't even have the grace to look ashamed. Instead he looked almost proud of his handiwork (he was Itachi after all).

"YOU GODDAMN, GOOD FOR NOTHING, PIECE OF SH-!"

"Awww, you two are so cute together."

Kakashi and Itachi promptly fell silent at Kiki's exclamation of delight. One could almost see the proverbial stormclouds encasing the two men.

"What did you say?"

Itachi's hiss made ice look hot in comparison. Kakashi just glared harder.

"I don't know how I didn't see it before. You two are perfect for each other! Like another Naruto and Sasuke!"

Naruto twitched at the mention of his name. He almost regretted not dying when he fell from the tree. Closing his eyes in resignation, Naruto just sighed. This was not going to end well.

Kiki just continued to giggle over the pure smexiness of an ItaKaka relationship. After all, the only thing Mary Sues loved more than themselves getting together with a canon character was another canon character getting together with the first canon character (confused yet?). Especially when the said canon characters are of the same gender; aka: male. In other words, Mary Sues just really, really loved slash.

Itachi looked like he really, really wanted to detach Kiki's head from her body. She did so not just imply he was gay. Overlooking the pure absurdness of this assumption (wasn't she declaring her love for him a day ago? Wasn't she in a relationship with Kakashi? How could she do this if they were both gay?), Itachi did not like to have his masculinity attacked. It was bad enough that most people thought he was pretty, he so did not need his sexual orientation questioned on top of that. He can be pretty (not that Itachi was pretty mind you. Never say that Itachi was pretty to his face if you don't want Bad Things to happen to you) and not gay, a notion all Mary Sues ignored automatically.

Kakashi was beyond incensed. He was a manly man! And manly men are not gay! Has Kiki even looked at his questionable reading material? They were mostly definitely for the straightest of men, a label Kakashi wore with pride (it's true. He even has a "As straight a senbon, and proud of it!" sticker on his locker in the Jounin locker room).

Which was why, after a second more Kiki's giggling, Itachi threw all the Katon jutsues he knew at her, not even pausing for breath as he literally torched the place. Kakashi barely managed to clear the blast zone with Naruto dangling hazardously under one arm. Rolling his eye at Itachi, Kakashi sighed irritably as the pyromaniac in Itachi let itself loose. God! Couldn't the man at least have given some warning before he decided to roast them all?

As Itachi finally stopped to take a breath, even he couldn't hide his surprise at what he saw. A blockade of sand surrounded Kiki, completely protecting her from Itachi's fire. Due to the heat of the flames, the outer layers of sand had turned to glass, giving a rather god-like appearance to Kiki...if she wasn't visually blocked by the inner layers sand which had managed to escape unscathed (a fact which the said sand was undoubtedly grateful for). The sand withdrew when it became clear that Itachi was so overcome with shock that he wasn't capable of throwing anymore Katon jutsues Kiki's way anymore. Either that or he was out of breath. I'm betting on the latter.

Flowing gracefully from Kiki, the sand floated back to its rightful place.

Right into the gourd hanging off Gaara's shoulder.

Itachi narrowed his eyes at the boy, feeling his hold on his temper loosen dangerously. Gaara glared right back, not at all intimidated. If he could live through Shukaku's insistent ramblings on sand dumplings (what can I say? The demon was insane) he could live through Uchiha Itachi's glare.

"You will not touch her."

Itachi's opinion of "Like hell I won't" was on the tip of his tongue, but before he could actually say it, a harassed-looking ANBU member burst on to the scene, mask dangerously close to falling. Everybody froze and stared. The ANBU fidgeted under the scrutiny. And then blinked at Itachi.

Finger pointing accusingly, the ANBU spluttered.

"Yo-you're that Uchiha bastard!"

Itachi did not look fazed (he never looked fazed). He knew he was bastard (he did kill his whole family. You really can't get more bastard-y than that). No need to point it out every two minutes, a gesture Naruto seemed to take great delight in.

Before Itachi could retort and shatter the already stressed ANBU's mentality, Kakashi took pity and intervened.

"What did you want Jukita-san?" Because, like all good Mary-Sue stories, the authoress has no idea what constitutes a Japanese name and is too lazy to google it. All she really needs to do is to whack together random letters until they look remotely Japanese-y. Hence Jukita.

At this point the authoress would like to point out that she has absolutely no idea what "Jukita" actually means. If it, by some miniscule chance, is the Japanese word for some kinky S&M action which requires the use of a cow and a handful of beetroots, then she would maintain (in court if necessary) that the word was not used intentionally. Then she would proceed to mercilessly tease the person who pointed out the meaning of the word with statements such as "How, exactly, do you know what the word means?" (nudgenudgewinkwink) and "So, beetroot any good cows lately?".

But, I'm digressing from the story. So sorry.

The ANBU (now hence forth known as Jukita) came to the decision right then and there that he was going on vacation after this whole fiasco. With a really strong bottle of whiskey. And some nice, relaxing jazz. Oooh, and maybe some of those expensive chocolates he saw the other day.

Determinedly ignoring the presence of Itachi and Gaara (who still had Akamaru clutched tightly in his grasp, the poor puppy), Jukita faced Kakashi.

"The Sound is attacking. The hokage needs all available shinobi back at her office to plan our defence."

With that, Jukita disappeared, taking his part as messenger boy very seriously.

And also like all good Mary-Sue stories, where would the Mary-Sue be without a world-altering battle/event/tea party in which to prove her skills? No matter how unlikely it was for the Sound to actually attack Konoha at that moment in time (because as far as I can see, the Sound currently has 5 shinobi and a bunch of snakes), Kiki needed a place to shine. And she was going to get it, damnit, whether anybody else wanted it or not!

Gaara blinked in agitation. Trust Temari to land him in a potentially fatal war. Then his green gaze turned towards Kiki, the girl so alike to himself. For the first time, Gaara felt the stirring of the human emotion known as luuuuurve in his heart. After all, how could anyone not love her? She was so beautiful and talented and knew exactly how cruel the world had been to the redhead.

Kiki looked towards the young man to her right. The young man who saved her life (not that she would've perished anyway. She could, like, sooooooooo outrun those flames!). The young man who was currently regarding her with such an intense gaze that Kiki felt the breath catch in her throat. As her feelings for Itachi melted away (he was, like, so destined for Kaka anyway, like, yeah?), another love took its place. And this love was centred on the angsty green-eyed, red-haired demon carrier from Suna.

"Oh God. Not Gaara too."

Akamaru whole heartedly agreed with Naruto.

Itachi just breathed a sigh of relief, glad that Kiki's love wasn't directed at him anymore. The boy from Suna could drown himself in his own sand for all that Itachi cared. Kakashi watched the scene with an almost clinical interest. He certainly hoped that he hadn't acted his dopey when he was in love with Kiki (he was manly man! Manly men don't do dopey. Period). Some of his trepidation must've shown on his face because Naruto's snickering jerked him out of his thoughts a second later.

"Don't worry Kaka-sensei. You didn't act like Gaara."

Kakashi sagged in relief, content that his image and reputation hadn't been damaged too badly in his affair with Kiki.

"You were much worse."

Kakashi now knew the satisfaction Itachi must've felt as he watched Naruto plummet to the ground.

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Author's Note: Lol, I have finally run out of -tion words to use for the chapter title and have resulted to made up words. If you have any suggestions on what the title could be, drop me a line in the reviews and I'll change it.

Fear not my lovely readers, the end is coming soon.

And consequently, so is demise of Kiki. Such a coincidence, no?

I realised this chapter is somewhat slow moving, when compared to other chapters, but look at it as the pre-climax.

Next chapter, things really start to roll.

But Gaara! –gasp- Gaara is in love with Kiki!

And Kiki is in love with Gaara! –double gasp- Sorry to all Gaara fans out there, but, well, it's not fun if I don't mess with him.

How will this new love fare amidst the horrors and heartache of battle? Oh the DRAMA!

Lol, couldn't resist the totally CrackPairing!ItaKaka. The idea just popped into my head as I was writing about them bickering. After all, no Mary Sue worth their salt can see their argument as purely platonic (considering the slash fangirl thing going on). And I must think like a Mary Sue! –determined face despite the pure wrongness of that thought-

Loved. All. Reviews. (large amounts of drool were involved)

-hugs reviewers to death-

I would like to say that although I don't reply to reviews, I did read them all. I do take your considerations into account when writing the next chapter. I'm sorry if I can't cater to everyone's wants and needs, but I have an idea of where this story is going and I don't want to change it because a few people had mentioned that they like this better or they want to see that. If I can make everyone happy, I would. But as everyone has different opinions on things, I'm just going to do things my way and hopefully, you'll all like how the story has turned out.

And I don't answer questions in reviews not because I'm an old meanie poo and ignore my reviewers, but rather, I don't have the list of reviews next to me when I'm writing the next chapter and I don't want to give the story away. As most of the questions centre around what's going to happen next in story, my reply to all of them would've been "Just wait and see! Bwahahahahahaha."

That explanation aside, hope you enjoyed this chapter!