This is No Jericho We've Won

It should not have been that difficult: trying - and failing- to find a vein, hands shaking from no sleep. Who knows, perhaps it finally was my body's exhaustion getting to me.
At least that's what I belive when the daylight finally hits me in my room upstairs, I get the story according to Cassian: that I passed out and he brought me upstairs.
Cain went off to fetch a doctor, Cassian fed the birds and Riff, being the only other person with some medical training, dosed me. That explains how I got here, and why I ever went to bed in my suit. I crawl out from under the woolen blanket once I've heard the whole story. I should start my day as usual, lest this becomes even more of a public issue than it already is. I should get out of here before Cain returns. I brush off Cassian's hand and start getting out of bed.

"Get back in there, Jizabel."
"No. I don't want to be seen by some other doctor."
I get shoved back down into the mattress right after I've sat up.
"Not this again, Jizabel. This isn't the time for you to act bratty about how backwards the doctors outside Delilah are... Look, your brother told me about the medicine you're using. It's really dangerous stuff, and you're going to keep takeing it he says. Maybe this doctor will have a safer medicine to give? Please give it a chance."
Cassian speaks this as his hand brushes past my neck. I wrinkle my nose at our simple misunderstanding, before giving in and speaking:
"... Very well, I'll try, but that's not how things will go. The only thing the doctor will say is that they can't treat syphilis, and that if I lived a good, wholesome life this would not have happened to me. I just don't want to sit here and listen to those words from another detached fool."
Cassian seems to sctrutanize me and think for a moment before he replies:
"...Things won't be like that, Jizabel. I'll stay with you the whole time, and I promise I won't let him say something like that to you."
"And how could you possiabley stop them, Cassian? A threat? We cant get away with that any more."
"Jizabel, don't be snide now... Just trust me."
I hadn't meant it that way; I had not meant to say something so despective again, so soon after last night. After what I almost had.
"... I'll just get back to sleep until Cain's doctor is here. I think the medicine is makeing my mind feel a bit off."

And so I drifted,
far, far out to sea

"The only thing that doctor will say is that they can't treat syphilis, and that if I lived a good, wholesome life this would not have happened to me. I just don't want to sit here and listen to those words from another detached fool."
I hadn't expected to hear that.
I should have, but I hadn't. I watch the way Jizabel fidgets after saying it, after bareing his thoughts to me. I keep staring at his hands as they pick at the blanket. Honestly, I'd been prepared to argue about why he needed help, not try to convince him not to fear it. The sad thing is, Jizabel's probably right about Cain's doctor. If he is, then I wouldn't want him to go through being scolded for the bad luck he's been a victim of.
I couldn't possiably just sit there and watch.
"...Things won't be like that, Jizabel. I'll stay with you the whole time, and I promise I won't let him say something like that to you."
Those words just slip out when I open my mouth. Despite the fact I know how Jizabel will react to it.
"And how could you possibly stop them, Cassian? A threat? We can't get away with that any more."
Of course he wouldnt belive it; when it's something so unlike the world that we lived in.
"Jizabel, don't be snide now... Just trust me." Even if you can't understand how it feels to care, that's alright. I do now.
He looks ashamed after hearing me say that. But that's not what I'd meant to do; I didn't want to guilt him. Jizabel lays down and shuts his eyes.
"... I'll just get back to sleep until Cain's doctor is here. I think the medicine is making my mind feel a bit off."
It goes without saying, that it's probably better for us both if he sleeps. Maybe the toxins and the stress of last night really are fogging his mind. Then again, what the Doctor said sounded exactly like his usual self. Of course he wouldn't belive that someone actually could protect him, even if they wanted to.
The exam will be easier to handle with Jizabel asleep anyways. I'll talk with Cain's doctor first, maybe that way they won't have to bother Jizabel.

I carried that anchor with me,
close to my chest
that's what I always do best

"Riff, you're taller. Go wave by the road until a carriage stops."
"Yes, Lord Cain."
I sit at the park bench and watch as Riff calls an approaching driver over. Riff talks a bit, and then the driver speeds away. Another chauffeur not willing to make the 60 mile trip to Cambridge's College of Clinical Medicine. The second time Riff manages to call over a carriage, I rush over and climb inside, Riff following. Only after Riff, I and our travel bags are in do I tell the driver our destination.
"The College of Medicine at Cambridge, fast as able, sir."
The driver scoffs and looks back, disbelief on his face.
" M'lord? That's at least two days travel. I have a family I have to go back to every night." I take my coin purse out from my coat, shifting it in my hand so the metal chimes just under my voice.
"Are you sure you don't want the job, sir? Two days work is two days' sure pay; and, afterall, you have a family to take care of."
It's a bit of a dirty trick, I know. But it always works.
"...all right, m'lord. To Cambridge it is then."

Maybe an hour's passed, perhaps less, possibly more. I can't be sure, as I've been measuring our trip in terms of the changing scenery and not my pocket watch.
Large stretches of green and open roads fly past the window when Riff speaks up over the horses' clamouring hooves.
"Lord Cain? If you don't mind?"
"Hm? If I don't mind what Riff? There are many things I do mind, and a few I don't."
"Ah... It was just a question of mine, Lord Cain."
"Go ahead and ask. I don't mind those."
"Well, it is just that, are you certain this is such a good idea, Cain? I understand that you want to get the best doctor possible for your brother, but this trip will take us a day or two. In addition to that you sent your uncle and sister to the country for a few days, to protect them from catching the illness and give your poor brother a reprieve. But my concern is that, might not Doctor Disraeli think that we are avoiding him?"

I watch the sheep and pastoral scenes that pass us by.
"Then he would be correct. With how he blamed me for what father did to him in the last decade, don't you think he'll fault me for this? I don't want anyone around him until he's had a few days to clam down.
And then there's the fact that he'd be right this time if faults me, that I did nearly get him killed. I guess that means I owe it to him to get the best doctor I can before he kills himself with that drug he's using. So there you have it Riff, this trip is driven by guilt and fear."
"...And that is also why you sent off Lord Neil and Mary?"
"... Even if I'm the one who told Jizabel to kill that man, there's no way I could feel safe leaving my family alone with him after seeing how easily he could do it, sorry Riff."
"Lord Cain, you owe me no apology, but he is your family, too. Don't you think you should let him know that? There is so much you both would gain if you could reconcile."
Riff places a hand on my shoulder: warm and parental, or more like an older brother.
"I know, Riff. I will, I'll introduce him as my brother during the Hargreevs Christmas Banquet when we return to London. Until then, I just need to figure out how we relate to each other."

And I never learned a thing
Why the truth holds such power
Why I couldn't make it sing

I sit for an hour or two by Jizabel's bedside as he sleeps. Don't get me wrong, it's not like spent my time back at Delilah sneaking into his rooms in the middle of the night. I wish I had, though. Maybe I could have kept him safe from himself one of those nights. He could have used it, knowing someone cared. I wish that instead of just sitting on the other side of his door, I would have just turned the damn knob and gone in. Or maybe that wouldn't have worked, maybe Jizabel would just have been upset further at knowing that someone saw what disarray his mind was in. Either way that's a past that didn't happen.
Right now, Jizabel's caught up in a peaceful sleep, and doesn't seem like he'll be getting out of it anytime soon.

My stomach growls, reminding me to go down to the kitchen and look after myself too. While I'm rummaging through the kitchen pantry, one of the maids finds me.
The older woman meets me with an admonishing gaze, before telling:
"You have a call from the Earl, Sir Cassian."
I follow her over to the Earl's telephone, and am given the handpiece.
"Hello?"
"Who is this?"
"Cassian, and you're Cain, right? Are you and the doctor you got on your way here?"
"... We'll be delayed. I thought, given that Jizabel himself is a doctor, he must be up to date on most medicines. It seemed to me that the only doctors who may know more than him would be the Crown's professors and researchers at Cambridge's Medical School"
"Are you serious, Earl, Cain? Your brother needs a doctor now and you're planning to make a trip all the way to Cambridge"
"I'm already halfway there... I'll speak to their doctors and call you when I've gotten an answer. My call will be tonight or tomorrow morning."
"Yeah, fine."
"Cassian, sorry for not having mentioned my plans sooner. Until I return, you and my brother can tell the servants to fix your meals, and help yourself to the liquors. Good bye."
I put down the receiver and turn to the maid once:
"Hey, you, could you prepare a vegetable stew, with no meat or bone, and meat with potatoes."
I better go talk with Jizabel, and explain that at the least his dreaded doctor's visit won't happen.
Of all things, with my luck, it seems the Doctor ran off while I was downstairs. perhaps he wasn't really sleeping after all. When I go to the window to get a look at the yards, his voice drifts out from the gardens. I grab my coat and rush down to where I heard him.

I was still carrying the flotsam of our love,
For scavengers to make sweet pickings of
Or for myself

"So what should I do, Edith, Marissa, sisters? Things such as musing on romance always seemed more of a feminine concern. Though this wouldn't quite be a proper Victorian romance. And it'd be wrong for him, wouldn't it?
But, it'd be nice... Why would I refrain?"
I reach the tips of my fingers out towards an amethyst crocus bloom. It was clever of the gardener to procure flowers that would bloom in the snow.

I awoke noticing that I could finally have love, and quite easily at that. Not the innocent familial one I once knew, Cain and his sister are not quite stupid enough to forget who I was. No, it was instead my noticing that Cassian does indeed intend to stay by me, and I've finally dared to wonder why.
I don't stop to think of the fairness of it, of how difficult it would be for me to return any affection; I just savor the fact that such love is within my grasp, close enough to be tangible.
It could well just be something platonic, paternal like that of a guardian, but that's not what I would want. I want hands on mine and I love you whispered in earnest to me in the small hours of the night. I want the honest version of all those relationships I feigned to have, an honest version of the love I made a farce of. I could obtain that easily, too...
Infatuation is an easy thing to cultivate, wrongfully so, perhaps. I know how most react to my appearance, to my mother's face I should say. Why should Cassian be the exception to such charms?
I should not try to seduce the first person to honestly care for me, but it is far better than feeling alone. Isn't this how I've always worked, as Cassandra said: dragging other souls down to my level? I run a finger on my lips, and my body feels as if it's stolen property, though Cassian's literally is. Aren't we a good match?

"Jizabel! Kid, what are you doing out here without a coat? You told me that was bad for the immune system."
I sit up and turn over to look at Cassian:"I said that when you were sick; I am used to the cold. Besides, Cassian, while I appreciate the sentiment, I stopped being a child a very, very long time ago."
I hear the soft crunch of grass, crisp with frost, as Cassian moves to sit besides me.
"I know, too soon probably... Just that you think you're used to the cold doesn't meant it won't get you worse. Between the disease, the drugs and the frost, I don't want to end up having to drag you to a hospital kicking and screaming."
I chuckle: "We both know that won't work- actually, it would now, with your new body... I'll go in very soon, I'd just wanted some fresh air and a moment outside the Hargreevs' manor."
Cassian's mouth forces a grin: "Speaking of that, Doctor, it seems something came up with your brother and we have the house to ourselves for a day or two-"
It is my turn to force a grin, and Cassian's own leaves upon hearing my reply:
"You mean to say Cain wishes to avoid me, and was terrified to leave his family alone with me."
There is a hand stroking the back of mine, and a muttered don't say that Jizabel.
"But it is true. And it is right and proper, given how I spent my time terrorizing and threatening Cain. The boy would be quite dull if he could not recall that."
The following reply is louder:"It is not right and proper, Jizabel. With how badly a Hargreevs screwed you over, the family owes you more than that. I'd like to see you be able to collect what you're due."

After that phrase, there is a silence that settles over us along with the passing time.
"Jizabel, it's cold, let's go in."
"You can go in first, I'll follow. There's something I want to finish..."
An oversized coat is draped over me after Cassian stands. I grasp it by the lapels, grateful.
"Is it that conversation you were having?"
"Yes, it was with my sisters..."
"Oh."
"It's alright, Cassian. I know they're not alive and listening. And I know how insane I must seem, but I'd rather be insane than alone."
"...Maybe you could talk to me, Jizabel." I shake my head, staring at the clouds.
"Not about this. Not yet."
"Maybe someday? I'll see you inside, Jizabel."
I interrupt before Cassian can turn to leave.
"Wait! I want you to know that when you- your body- died, I was tempted to keep your viscera. Remeber that my family had been ruined, by then.
I didn't do it... It seemed disrespectful, somehow. I buried you the best I could without father noticing, Cassian."
I watch the clouds pass with bated breath; half hoping, half dreading that they are my only audience.
"... I still have that note you left in my pocket back then. Thank you, Jizabel."
I release that held breath: "You knew that was me?"
"Well, yeah, it was kinda obvious. No one else writes death threats in such pretty cursive, Doctor. And no one else would have been so careless about risking his life to get me out of Delilah. Come in for lunch soon, alright?"

The front door protests mildly as I open it and step barefooted into the foyer.
After that, the rest of the day is made up of quite noises: the soft clinking of dishes, the gentle conversation afterwards; the shifting of curtains and doors that gives way to flowing water when I bathe.
I am then lulled by the smell of angelica and lavender on my skin back to that question I'd been considering. I try to ignore how ridiculous it feels that I'm musing over how to seduce Cassian. Seduce, of all words, not love.

I stand at the mirror, running fingers through my hair, adjusting my robe, trying to be sure that everything is set just right: hair mused and robe a bit off my shoulder. Something that looks natural.
I know it is a strange, selfish thing I am about to do. But I have never denied that I am a somewhat repulsive person. Not physically, of course. If that were the case this plan would not work; it will work. I think through how to proceed: what approaches and personas have worked?
Meridiana and the caring Doctor, Viola and 50 red roses all falling apart, kind words and hollow sympathies. Those won't work here. But still, I think I have an idea of what to do. People, all people, are easily manipulated. Devil take me, I'm a monster.
But I never would have thought of doing this if Cassian would not have let me believe I could feel some warmth again.

Or for myself,
So I could drink the dregs of this cup at my lips
Now I'll bid farewell to the dark,
with one last cold kiss

I awake with a start when my room's door creaks open in the middle of the night.
My first impulse would be to throw something, anything at the intruder. I don't when the candle in hand lets me see it's Jizabel. I lie there, still pretending to sleep, waiting for him to speak up and say what's on his mind. Jizabel doesn't just do things like this, so something has to be difrent. He doesn't speak up, at least not until he's put his candle on the nightstand and climbed in bed over me, leaning down to whisper a soft "Cass?"
I open my eyes and stop pretending to sleep then:
"That nickname's new, Doctor."
"I'm sorry, if you don't like it-"
"No, Jizabel, I like it. It shows you're getting more comfortable with me. Actually, right now you seem very comfortable with me."

He shifts, causing his night robe to slide down a bit, possibly on purpose. To be perfectly honest: Jizabel is beautiful- as much as that bastard Cassandra said- delicate bones and fine skin; beautiful is just the only way to describe him. This isn't the first time I notice.
It's just something I try never to think of, for his sake and my own.
But now, Jizabel is quite literaly shoving his beauty in my face, as his face hovers inches from mine.
I feel a bit rueful when I recall something I overheard Cassandra say, one of those times he forced Jizabel to listen. It would be inocent if said to anyone else: you look exactly like your mother. I had more important things to think of then, you know. But now that I see him, gentel pink lips brushing against my clavicle and soft violet eyes half lidded, I know it must be true. That face would be lovely on any woman. If mother and son are anything alike, then the cardmaster did all ways enjoy the chance to torment something innocent. Damn him, for what he did to them both.

I'm broken out of my thoughts by a deep purring noise that Jizabel makes within his throat. When I look up I meet bedroom eyes as his hands linger by the waistband of my pants; it's all a testament to how willing he is to use himself, to get what he wants. Here what he wants is just some company, isn't it? I ought to have known things would go like this with Jizabel. After all, where did his understanding of love, sex and attachment come from? His father's whip, those games he played with all the girls he killed, and the games Cassandra played with him. Everything was about people using each other. And now he's here to try and make me use him, like all those others did. doesnt that hurt?
I wonder, Jizabel, was this behavior forced on you, or did you choose just to not feel alone. But, I'm not Cassandra, or Viola, or Alexis. I can't just let myself do this to him. I reach down to catch his wrists, and run my thumbs along his palms.
"Jizabel, you have to stop. Doesn't this hurt?"

This is no Jericho that we have won,
No victory song to be sung
No never, no more
I've been over that sea before, and I know it too well
There will be no looking back for me now that I've broken the spell


Hah, long time no see. Ha, I was writing and then classes and work get in the way.
So, mind you, when you read this, this chapter is set just a bit before Christmas. Not in the middle of May. (This is takeing so long to finish...)
Lyrics are from the beutiful No Jericho by Susan McKeown

Maybe I got the wrong impresion, but in the manga- after the whole Meridiana affair- Jizabel kind of seemed like a slut...

PS. Edith and Marisa are just random names I picked. It felt too odd to just call them sisters.