You've had your arm around him, holding him close by your side for what feels like hours but in reality can only have been minutes. Both of you quiet in your own thoughts.

You can only imagine what's going through Stevens head if his own is anything to go by. Every minute of every day he hoped, prayed, that he was okay, he had to have some faith that doing right by Chez and ending the nightmare was for something, he needed it to be for something. But he knew deep down in his heart after the many hours of therapy that if Steven had been feeling his loss half as much as what he felt at losing him, then it was a world of pain and suffering. It's one thing carrying that around with you for so many years, but it is entirely different to sit here in the present and hear that truth. As you hold him every part of your being is silently screaming, the man you love more than anything and anyone, was left by you in a hell of your making and its scares you that you don't even know the half of it.

Holding onto him you try a press your love into every fibre of his being, without words, let him know that you will take every broken piece of him and make him whole again.

There's so much unsaid that you need answers to but you know there his to give you if and when he's ready, but you have to try.

"Did anyone help you Steven?" Your voice sounds loud in the silence of the room.

"In the end"

He sounds like he thinks he didn't deserve it, Brendan knows that feeling all too well.

"How do you mean? They left you, the people in that village that have known you half your life, Tony, Jack, everyone? They didn't help you?"

There's anger there, he picks up on it, unlocking himself from your side, the loss a bolt to your chest.

"Yeah yeah they didn't alright, I was a drug dealer Brendan a drug dealer! Don't you get it! I was everything they wanted me to be, the old Ste the one they always knew was below the surface, the one who uses his fists, gets into fights in middle of a crowded pub, takes fucking drugs"

You're quick as a flash.

"You said once Steven, once"

"Yeah well, I had a history in my days before juvey didn't I, people don't want you to forget."

It calms you but doesn't make you feel any better.

"I didn't want help and they gave up, can't blame em, it was my fault. It took me a while you know, to want help, to actually want to feel better have some sort of life, be in Leah and Lucas's life"

You are holding your breath at the mention of the kids, it's the first time he's mentioned them, it adds to the already heavy weight in your heart.

"Amy knew I was going back to the old me, the one she had lived with and she couldn't let the kids see that, I hated her at the time but now I am so grateful to her for it, it would have killed me if they had seen me like that, it would have been history repeating itself, Leah and Lucas seeing me as nothing better than I saw Terry and my Mum"

"You are nothing like them Steven, no matter how dark your life was you would never be like Terry, I know that, Leah and Lucas know that"

"Yeah well, I'm glad they were out of my life when I was like that, they won't have those memories"

He lets out a small sigh.

"It was my dad that helped me in the end, him and my sisters"

You quickly turn your head to him, a look of confusion on your face.

"Me real dad, Danny, he found me, moved into the village with his wife and kids, my step mum Sam, and sisters Teagan, Leela, Peri, well Peri's really my niece but that don't matter."

You're trying to get your head around this new information, a whole readymade family slotting into his life when you were gone.

"They brought me into the family, gave me a family, and helped me get my head straight"

"That's good of them"

"Don't Brendan, just don't ok, they were there when no one else was and god knows what would have happened to me if they hadn't, so be grateful yeah"

You just umm in response, you're not quite sure how this sits with you, but then anyone who comes into his life has always filled you with jealousy.

He suddenly stands up.

"Need the loo"

You rub your eyes as he leaves the room, you feel exhausted. Walking to the kitchen you grab the whisky from the side, two glasses, you think it's needed. Your mobile phone sat on the side is flashing to let you know there's messages, before you've even opened them you know who they're from.

Text Message Anne.

I'm taking it from the silence the little stud muffin showed, I won't wait at the airport then & don't forget you're not so young anymore don't do your back in daddy bear. Love you. CALL ME xx

Trust Anne to say it like it is.

There's a second message.

Text Message Chez.

Well? Did he show? Tell me he came! I know Ste wouldn't leave you, he loves you. Let me know Bren.

Your blood runs cold reading her message, Chez left Steven, left him alone to go through that, you are screaming at her in your head, you go to throw the phone against the wall in anger, but the movement behind stops you.

Steven.

"Whiskey?" He places the glass in front of him.

"Tar, yeah I might"

There's a faint smile there, you return it.

You take a sip the amber liquid reviving you as it slides down your throat, you smirk at the look of disgust on Stevens face as he copies you.

"Not a whiskey man Steven, never have been"

"Yeah well"

He moves back to the sofa taking his drink with him, he kicks off his shoes and curls up in the corner, like he's settling in, it's good, it means he's not leaving but you guess this nights far from over. You take another gulp and refill your glass before joining him.

"You never asked me about Doug"

The statement surprises you.

"Why would I ask about him Steven?"

"When you asked didn't anyone in the village help me, you never mentioned Doug, I mean we had a business together, were married"

"I don't need reminding of that fact" You can't help your tone of voice whenever Saint Doug is mentioned. He's looking at you for an answer.

"Chez told me, about the explosion and about Doug"

He looks at you with a frown like he's trying to work something out.

"When?"

"Sorry" you're trying to deflect attention away, you know exactly what he is asking.

"Cheryl told you, when did she tell you? How, did she call you?" Steven looks at you daring you to try and lie about this. You won't because that's not who you are anymore, so you say it and prepare for the consequences.

"She visited me, about a month after it happened, she saw it online and asked Nancy about it"

"Fucks sake"

"Steven" You search his face to see how angry he is about this news, but you see there's no anger there just resigned disappointment.

"She visited you huh, I'm not surprised, couldn't let Chez not see you huh, wouldn't want to spoil that relationship."

You don't try to say anything, instead you sip at your whiskey, you can't defend yourself.

"How many times?"

"A few, mainly to do with the kids and that"

"Anyone else? Did anyone else get to visit you Brendan?"

You come straight out with it.

"Anne"

He pulls back his head in a laugh.

"Figures"

He takes a big drink from the glass, he winces but he takes another regardless. He looks at you over the top of the glass.

"You have someone in there?" It comes out quietly.

That completely knocks you sideways, you knew it would come, but he's suddenly decided to throw it out there, you guess this night is going to get worse before you fucking hope it can get better. You should have brought the bottle over.

You give him what you hope is a warning look, a pleading look that says this doesn't need to be done. But Stevens always been a tenacious bastard never letting anything drop.

"It's not gonna help"

"I want to know Brendan, me I need to know"

You sigh.

"It was you that said if we are doing this we have to do it right, both of us."

Fucker, using your words against you.

Where do you start, whatever you say it's going to get his back up, you know it will be the truth whether he choices to believe it or not is up to him.

"Not really no" He tilts his head to the side looking.

You take a deep breath, you're going to have to bite the bullet as they say and just get it all out there, you know it's only fair, he's told you things he wanted to keep locked away now it's your turn.

"I couldn't sleep the first few weeks, not more than an hour at a time anyway. It's not what you think, it wasn't prison, being locked up, keeping me awake. No it was every time I closed my eyes I was back in that hospital room them dragging you off me, the tears falling from your cheeks. You screaming for me. Whenever I closed my eyes I was trying to grab hold of you, pulling you back, keeping you with me, but you were always gone, just out of reach."

You take a sip.

"I meant it, when I said I would never feel any differently about you, you were my everything, you changed everything."

Your mind threatens to go back there, but you don't let it.

"I never wanted anyone Steven because I'd already had everything I could ever want."

Stevens taking that in at the same time his eyes are telling you a thousand unspoken words.

"I know you though Brendan, you wouldn't have survived"

"Yeah well I've changed. But I'm not going to lie to you Steven you're worth more than that. As I said my head was all over the place I wasn't looking for anything, but yes there was one lad came in about 8 months into my stretch."

"I knew it" He's the same as you when it comes to knowing that there was someone else, full of jealousy even in the circumstances.

"He gave me a blow job a few times and I returned the favour, I know you not going to believe it but that was it, if you wanna know numbers 4 it was 4 times in three years, that's all that happened, because there was nothing and no one that could ever compare to you, it made me feel more empty inside so I didn't want anything because it wasn't you.

You say it with passion because that's the truth.

"I believe you" He's looking at the bottom of his glass as though it holds answers, there's a look of concern on his face and you think it's because there was more times than that, more men than that, that were in his life while you were gone. You can't bear to know.

"Will you hate me if I had other men?"

Jesus he knows how to take a stake straight to your heart, you lower your head into your chest, you don't want to hear this, out of everything he can tell you, this will be the hardest.

"Steven I don't want to know"

"But you need to know Bren, I know you, if you don't it will eat away at you and you will keep running it through your head and it will affect us"

He know you too well and he's right. You take the hand not holding the glass and put it under your thigh, if you don't you know that the force in which you grip your hand whilst he's telling you this will draw blood or worse.

"I got back with Doug before he died"

You didn't expect that one.

"I think it was just because he looked after me you know and it was easy, but I didn't love him, not like you. After he was gone and I was messed up dealing the drugs around clubs and stuff there was a few blokes, I can't remember exactly how many, in club toilets, one night stands"

You clamp your tongue between your teeth.

"It didn't mean anything, none of it, it was nothing. That's was what I did, like you said it made me feel more empty so I stopped. And then about 12 months ago there was this lad, he flirted with me, made me feel good, wanted, I was fucking stupid, I know that now, he was 17"

It seems you're mouth really doesn't agree with you on saying nothing.

"17 Steven? What? Why?"

Stevens not old, what he would have been 25 then, but you never thought he was after someone younger, that younger did it for him, he always told you he liked you being older, he felt safe because of that.

"Yeah well after everything it was nice you know for someone to want me, to like me, so I fucked him, several times, it was his first time with a man and I took advantage of that"

"Steven I don't wanna hear this, please" you're begging.

"That was me then Brendan, I never thought twice about the age. But he thought we were in a relationship and I finally woke up and realised that that is not what I wanted, he was far too young, needy, desperate to keep me, acting like a kid unsurprisingly, so I ended it, I was just using him I never felt nothing"

You need to move. You get up and walk to the window, stare out at Dublin. There's this feeling inside of you that you can't explain, it's like you're falling.

He comes up slowly behind you, you don't move, resolute in your stance, he very carefully puts his arms around your waist and rests his head on your back.

"I'm sorry Bren, I'm so sorry I didn't wait, I would have if I had known, there would never have been anyone else only you."

You close your eyes and you hear a noise that comes out like a sob as you lay your head against the window, you think it must have come from Steven but you can feel it in the back of your throat and you know it was you.

You've both gone through over half a bottle of whiskey, Stevens been laying with his head on your lap for the last hour, you don't remember when you started stroking your fingers through his hair. You're both emotionally exhausted and have spent that hour talking about random things, things you missed, people you know, just about anything to skirt around the things left to be said.

Despite these last few hours, right here now, just having him here with you like this makes you feel like you are home.

"You have any mates in there?"

"In prison?"

"Yeah, I know you don't make a habit of making friends Bren, but you were there a while".

"Foxy"

He lifts his head to look at you in surprise, before resuming his previous position.

"Warren? You ended up in the same prison as him? Didn't you try to kill each other, or at the very least punched him one"

You laugh.

"Yeah well, me and Foxy came to a gentlemen's agreement didn't we"

"Nether of you are gentlemen Brendan" He smirks at you.

"Really Steven, I would say the other inmates begged to differ"

"Yeah right that's gonna be cause Warren probably had them all under the thumb"

"You know him well Steven."

"So you got on then?"

"Yeah we did, after I attempted to rearrange his face on the second day mind"

"Hah, see I knew it"

The laugh you make moves his head a little.

"It was good you know, to have someone you knew, could trust with your back"

"And that's Warren?" Steven sounds sceptical.

"Well alright not entirely, but we both knew where we stood with each, looked out for one another, you know."

"What about you leaving, when does he get out?"

"He's got several years left, I somehow don't think he's getting out any sooner for good behaviour, but he's a saviour so he'll get by."

In his head he silently hopes he gets by.

"Well I'm glad you had someone." He says it full of concern.

It's like he can sense that you've gone into your own thoughts so he changes the subject.

"You won't believe how grown up our Leah is"

He radiates happiness.

"How old is she now?"

"Nine, can you believe it? Lucas is six, right boy he is, loves cars and aeroplanes reckons he's gonna be a pilot"

"Captain Hay, I can see it now, Leah?"

"Loves animals, she's really kind you know, caring"

"There good kids Steven, you and Amy did well"

He moves and picks up his wallet that's on the coffee table in front of you, he pulls out what looks like a picture, he looks into your eyes as through he's trying to work out if this is a good idea, he must get an answer because he passes it to you.

"That's Leah and Lucas at Christmas"

You take it delicately in your hands as if it's the most precious thing in the world, it takes you a second to get the courage to look but when you do smiling back at you with all the happiness in the world is the two children that you so desperately wanted to be a good Dad to, to get it right with Steven. You worried about them just as much when you were gone, it breaks you to think they probably won't remember the time you were in their life but you know for you it will never be forgotten.

"They look grand Steven, they look happy"

"Yeah they do don't they"

He goes to hand it back to him but Steven pushes his hand back.

"Keep it, it's yours, can be the first picture in your new flat"

The smile on your face must tell him how much this means to you, what him giving you this picture of his kids could mean, it's giving you hope that no matter what is to come you and him can get through it and have a future.

He gets to his feet and grabs your hand to get you up.

"Bren it's like two in the morning and I'm knackered me, you gonna come to bed?"

You let him pull you up until your standing in front of him.

"Pretty knackered myself"

He shares your smile as you kiss his lips and pull him by his hand.

"Come on let me take you to bed."

Both of you are wrung out, sleep the only thing on your minds right now. You strip to your boxers and get into the bed where Steven's already made himself comfortable, pulling the covers up to keep him warm. You both lay facing each other, both silently speaking with your eyes until Steven breaks that silence.

"Bren do you think we can do this?"

You know what he's asking.

You take the back of your hand and slowly trace it from his eyes to his jaw.

"Steven you and me, we've been through tougher things than this. Yes, if you're with me, I know we can do this"

He brushes his lips over your hand as it meets his lips.

You kiss his forehead.

"Now go to sleep"

Satisfied, he closes his eyes. You pull him into your arms and hold him tight, you watch as Steven falls asleep with a smile on his face, its only then you allow yourself to do the same.