Me, I'm Not.
(Nine Inch Nails)
[Well it's happening. Never planned on this. You've got something I need. Kind of dangerous. And I'm losing control. I'm not used to this. What you want from me? I'm not used to this...]
It had been two days since Anri killed herself. During this time, Mika had barricaded herself in her room and refused to come out. Seiji had taken to just going in there with her. Based on the noises, he had used her needy state to get what he wanted.
Everyone else resumed business as usual. Masaomi had informed them this wasn't the first time someone had died here. Mikado didn't have an attachment to her anyway. He liked her because she was quiet, which was really it.
Tsuki had been silent. He hadn't spoken since they had found her. Roppi knew it was probably as traumatic for the blonde as it was for himself. Since he had seen her stare...that damn lifeless stare...He hadn't been able to sleep.
Tsuki would cling to him at night, worse than usual. Even though he wasn't speaking, he had doubled his clinginess. That was fine with Roppi though. He now craved the contact. Tsuki's presence alone made him feel safe. Even if the blonde never talked again, this was enough.
Roppi himself had remained as passive as ever. He showed no emotion about the incident. As far as anyone could tell, he was unconcerned about Anri's death. No one knew of their previous conversation on the matter. No one knew how he had pushed her to do it. No one...
He dealt with it like he dealt with everything. He tried to force it out of his mind. As long as he could do that...he'd be alright. He had no way to get the pressure out...But he really needed it. He needed release from the guilt.
"Roppy-Toppy?" Masaomi asked him.
They were in the process of eating dinner. Roppi was beside Tsuki, resting against the blonde's shoulder.
"Hm?"
"Aren't you going to eat? You haven't touched your food."
"I'm not hungry."
"Yeah...you've said that for the past two days. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not eating won't bring her back." Mikado said pointedly.
Tsuki tensed up and stopped running his hand over the raven's shoulder. It was the first time they had mentioned anything about Anri.
"No it won't. But since I can't cut myself, this is all I can do." Roppi sighed.
Starvation was a form of self-abuse. While it wasn't his favorite way to deal with things, it at least hurt him. The pain was all he wanted.
Tsuki nuzzled against him, still saying nothing. It seemed silence was the only way for the blonde to deal with his problems.
Whatever. Everyone had a method.
"Hm. Well, good luck with that. Just means more for me~!" Masaomi said happily, snatching the tray of food.
Tsuki's eyes narrowed at the happy blonde.
"That's Roppi-san's food." he said flatly.
All eyes turned to him. It was the first thing he had said in days.
"Well, well, well. Looks like Tsukilicious is back in commission!" Masaomi cheered. "Anyway, he gave it to me. If he wants it back, he can have it."
Tsuki looked at Roppi, his eyes pleading.
"Tsuki. I'm not hungry."
"I-I know...I just want you to e-eat it anyway..."
The raven sighed loudly, picking up his chopsticks and shoveling down a few bites of rice. It tasted like air.
"There. Happy?" he asked his roommate dully.
"No. But I feel better."
"Tsuki, you shouldn't go so long without talking. It's kind of lonely not hearing you. Seeing as how I've heard you since I got here." Mikado said, chewing on the end of his own chopsticks.
"I know. Sorry."
'Yeah. I missed your voice too." Masaomi said with a gentle smile.
Roppi stood from his spot, throwing away the rest of the rice. He had eaten only a few bites. Turning, he headed for the exit, aware of the eyes on him. He walked past Seiji and Mika, who looked up at him with disdain.
"Don't start with me." he warned, shoving past their table. For once, they didn't.
He needed a fucking razor.
Was that too much to ask?
Honestly, where the hell could he get anything sharp in here? They weren't even allowed to wear shoelaces for fuck's sake.
He strode past the nurse's station when he saw it. There was a silver glint from a large coffee cup filled with pens and pencils.
A letter opener.
A bright and shiny letter opener.
A sharp bright and shiny letter opener.
Feeling that familiar feeling in the pit of his stomach, he tip-toed over to the station. Reaching his hand out...almost...
"May I help you?" a dull voiced asked.
"Shit."
"Um...Yeah. I'm going to bed, I need my meds." he lied smoothly.
"Orihara, right?" she asked.
"Yeah."
As soon as she leaned over, he snatched the utensil, placing it in his jacket pocket.
"Here. Goodnight." she said happily.
"Goodnight."
"Idiot."
He went into the bathroom. It was the only place he knew he could be alone. Even if they couldn't lock the door, if it was shut no one would come in. Rules were rules.
He took out the shiny object, marveling at it fondly. He rolled up his sleeve and pulled away the bandages that were already there. He looked up at his reflection.
Roppi appeared too eager. It had been too long. Far, far too long. He needed this. No longer was it just want...But oh how he wanted it too...
Slowly, he made a small incision with the blade. The warmth spread over his skin, the pressure releasing. He made a small mewl at the sensation, his eyes closed tightly.
"This is fucking orgasmic."
Again and again, he made the cuts. He wouldn't be able to cut as deeply as he wanted, because if he did he knew it would draw attention. Not to mention the fact that his new blade would be taken away from him. Roppi truly couldn't have that.
He placed the letter opener back in his pocket and hurriedly tried to sop up the blood with toilet paper. He looked up at his reflection again.
This Roppi looked much more relaxed. His eyes were brighter. Fuck, he was even near smiling. This was what he needed. Damn the pills and damn everyone who thought this was a disgusting habit.
Once the blood was mostly taken care of, he tried to wrap the bandages back around his arm. He left the bathroom to find Masaomi standing there.
"The way you were moaning, I thought Tsukilicious was in there with you." he smiled.
Roppi couldn't help the grin that spread across his features. He felt so fucking giddy from his release.
"Nope. Just me." he grinned.
"Hm. Masturbation seems weird when you could just get that blonde of yours to do it for you." Masaomi laughed.
"I'm going to see him now. Should I look out for you under my bed too now? I doubt there will be room with Erika under there."
"Nah. I've got my own action."
Roppi made to walk past him, but his arm was grabbed by the cunning blonde.
"I know what you were doing. And I hope Tsuki doesn't find out." he said quietly.
"H-How did you know?" Roppi asked incredulously.
"I can smell the blood on you dude. Like an iron scent. You had it on you when you first came in here, but it's been gone. Since I smell it now, I know what you did."
"Don't tell, alright? I need this. I don't expect you to understand." The raven sighed, preparing for a lecture.
"I don't need to. Whatever helps you, Roppy-Toppy." he got really close to Roppi's ear and whispered into it. "But whatever release you need...you'll find Tsuki can provide it better." and he grinned mischievously before entering the bathroom himself.
Roppi stared at the door for a moment, before he turned and headed to his own room.
"He kind of has a point...Maybe that's what Tsuki needs..."
Subconsciously, he held onto the solid object in his pocket. He felt like everyone knew...just like Masaomi did. He pulled the door shut behind him as he entered the room he shared with the blonde.
"R-Roppi-san...Where did you go after dinner?" Tsuki asked quietly. He was on their larger bed made from two twin beds pushed together.
"Nowhere important." Roppi shrugged, sitting beside the taller man. Their knees brushed.
"I know that it's hard for you to deal with what happened. I know you hide in yourself because it's easier to do than deal with things. But shit happens. And...I'll...talk to you if that's what you need." The raven said gently. This was fucking hard.
Tsuki looked at him in surprise, his face turning red. His large hands immediately went to his scarf.
"I-I just...I hate seeing death..." he whispered. Roppi nodded.
"Me too, Tsuki. Me too." he said.
"Why do you think she did it?" Tsuki asked.
Roppi's stomach clenched in guilt.
"It was her only way out, Tsuki."
"N-No it wasn't! She could've gotten better!"
Roppi gave him a sad smile. The one he used when he wasn't sure what to say to be cheerful, since there was nothing cheerful to be said.
"You can't save people if they don't want to be saved."
"B-But...You...don't want to be-"
His voice broke off and he stared at his clenched fists.
"No. I don't. Nothing can change that, Tsuki. I'll always want to die. That's just how things are." Roppi informed him.
The blonde's garnet eyes filled with tears as he glared at his fists.
"But I won't kill myself as long as I have you to worry about."
Tsuki looked up at him again, his face hopeful.
"You mean that? You promise?" he asked.
"I promise. I won't leave you. Besides, if I did, you'd just follow me. We die together, right?"
Tsuki wrapped his long arms around the raven's small frame and pulled him close. He leaned his head on the smaller shoulder and breathed deeply.
"I feel so much better now..." he sighed happily, the tears falling.
Roppi felt immediately hot at the hands that gripped the fabric on his back. Tsuki's fingers were clenching into his shirt and roaming around.
"Masaomi...told me how I can help you feel even better..." he whispered into the man's ear.
"How?"
Instead of a response, the raven pushed him back gently on the bed and crawled on top of him. Their lips connected instantly and their tongues roamed over each other's in a fierce kiss.
Roppi snatched off the blonde's scarf, going to work on the scarred skin. He nipped and licked the area, picking a spot just above the collar bone to abuse.
"Ah...R-Roppi-san..."
"I'm marking you." the raven informed him.
Tsuki's hands wound in his hair and held his head in place as he abused the skin. When the blonde pulled too hard, Roppi bit down harshly, earning a whimper from the man below him.
"F-Feels...so good-ah..."
Smirking, Roppi lowered his hands, hooking his nimble fingers into one of the blonde's belt loops.
"I need you to sit back and trust me." he told the taller man.
Tsuki nodded, his eyes almost black from his enlarged pupils.
Roppi unbuttoned the jeans, forcing them down. He was met with the blonde's erect flesh, hidden by only a thin layer of boxers. Gently, he pressed his palm against the fabric.
"Nnnnghh..." Tsuki breathed in, clenching his eyes tightly.
"Shhh...Not too loud now...Someone could walk in at any moment..." Roppi said quietly, applying more force.
"R-Roppi-sa-ahhhhhh..." the blonde tried to make sense but couldn't. All he could see were the motions in his mind...The motions of those perfect hands...
"Mmm Tsuki...I wish you could be loud..." The raven purred as he snatched the boxers down swiftly, wrapping his fingers around the heated arousal.
"Ahhh~! N-No...Stop...Can't..." Tsuki hissed as he saw stars. His large hands came to rest on thin hips as he willed his brain to function properly.
It never did.
"Shhh...Let me take care of you~." Roppi mewled, picking up the pace. He tightened his fingers and pulled mercilessly.
"Ah! Nnnnghhh...Ro-saaaahhhhh..." Tsuki's traitorous body arched into the hold, allowing more of himself to be stroked.
Realizing he wouldn't be able to muffle the man completely, Roppi lowered his mouth to Tsuki's, licking along his teeth. The blonde kissed him back messily, their tongues battling to stay in their mouths but failing miserably. The raven smirked and licked a hot trail along the taller man's jaw, loving how tightly he was being held.
"Can't...Ahhh...R-Roppi-sa...Gonna..." The blonde groaned, his head sinking back into the pillows.
"Then come for me, Tsuki." Roppi purred, going even faster.
"Hahhhhhhh...Ro-Roppi-saannnnnnn~!"
He felt the liquid in his hand as he watched Tsuki bite his bottom lip, his eyes clenched shut. His breathing was ragged and deep as he tried to collect himself. He looked up at the raven through hazy red eyes.
Roppi had his hand raised to his lips, licking the release on his fingers. He purred happily at the taste, moaning as he met eyes with Tsuki.
"S-Stop! You-You're going to make me hard again!" the blonde hissed, snatching the hand away from Roppi. He paused when he felt something wet on his skin.
There was blood dripping on his abdomen, where Roppi's left hand was rested. He looked alarmingly at at the smaller man, who was looking at the blood with a scowl on his face.
"Roppi-san?" Tsuki whimpered, forgetting his afterglow and tugging the sleeve up. There was blood soaking through the bandages.
"Well fuck my life."
[Hey, don't stop. Me, I'm not. Hey, don't stop. Me, I'm not.]
Sachi: Sorry! I've been preoccupied recently so I couldn't update this story till now...
Roppi: *checks website* It says you've updated your Shizaya fic twice since you've last updated this one.
Tsuki: You hate us!
Sachi: N-No! That one is just more popular and it's almost over and they reviewed that they would die if i didn't update!
Roppi: Well, I'll die if you don't update this story more!
Sachi: Noooo! Too much pressure!
Tsuki: Eh...Um, review? *hides in scarf*
