Running for Home
Chapter 12: "My Angel"

*.*.*

Edward

The sun sets as we stand before my family's graves. Bella hasn't said anything since I revealed my fucked-up secret, and for that I'm thankful. The wind whips through the cemetery causing Bella to shiver. I give her my keys and ask her to wait in the car. She takes them without protest and gives my hand a final squeeze before leaving me. I stare down at my mother's headstone and frown as I read it once again. The lie lives on even after her death.

Elizabeth Masen
1966 – 2010
Beloved Daughter & Sister

I sink to my knees. For the next hour, I spill my heart out to them, telling them everything I wish I could have said to their faces—all the things I wish they were alive to hear.

"I tried so hard to please you. I behaved as a child, and I never asked for anything. I studied diligently and went to college early… I became a doctor for Christ's sake! I did everything in my power to earn your acceptance, but I never got it. You always made me feel inadequate. I always felt like a burden to all of you. I never felt loved or wanted. Was I? Did any of you actually want me? Did any of you care that I was there? Because, if you did, you sure had a fucked-up way of showing it. Perhaps it was better that I was raised by nannies. Perhaps all of you did me a favor by being absent for most of my childhood.

"Why did you lie to me throughout my entire life? I feel so… betrayed. None of you told me the truth. I don't understand why. Were you protecting me or something? It's not like any of you ever gave a shit about me before. Would telling the truth sometime during the past twenty-seven years have done any harm?

"And Elizabeth… Mom." My voice breaks on the word. It's the first time I've referred to her as Mom directly. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? How could you wait until the last possible moment in your life to tell me the truth? I have so many questions. Questions I'll never learn the answers to.

"Why didn't you just give me up for adoption? Why did your parents want to raise me? They had no interest in me whatsoever. They never gave me the time of day. Ever. You did, but then you left. You left after college. How could you leave and never look back? I can count the number of times I saw you on one hand. Your rejection of me hurts more than anything."

After getting everything out of my system, I stand up, brushing the dirt from my knees and wiping the tears from my eyes. This will be the last time I set foot in this cemetery. This will be the last time I dwell on my childhood. I refuse to let the decisions of my past—the ones I had no control over—affect my life any longer. I am moving on. With Bella by my side, I'm going to find my biological father and even if one or both of those things fall through, this chapter of my life is over.

I say a final goodbye and return to the car where Bella is waiting. We don't speak for the drive home, but Bella pries my hand from the wheel and holds it tightly. The silence is beginning to concern me. I can't help but wonder why she isn't inundating me with questions.

Maybe she doesn't care.

That can't be true. Bella cares. She's just giving me space to clear my head. She wants me. She wouldn't be with me holding my hand if she didn't. She's not the type of girl to pretend about shit like that.

Right?

I end up in bed before Bella who, for once, takes forever in the bathroom. My brain starts working overtime while I lie here by myself. My insecurities bubble to the surface, and I feel guilty for relying on her as my support system again.

Obviously I want her to stay with me, but she needs to decide for herself if this is in her best interest. She should be using this time away from home and parents and school and ex-boyfriends to relax and do things for herself. She shouldn't feel obligated to hold my hand and lead me through my fucked-up life.

If anything, I should be taking care of her.

The only thing I want more than Bella at my side is for her to do what's right for herself. She can't make that decision if I'm constantly being needy. I need to muster up some strength so she doesn't stay with me out of pity. Maybe it will be easier for her to make an unbiased decision if I put some distance between us.

Oh god, what if that's why she was so quiet earlier? What if she wasn't giving me space for my well-being but emotionally distancing herself from me? The thought of her leaving causes a burning deep in my chest. I don't want to influence Bella's decision, but if she were about to leave, I'm not sure I could stop myself from dropping to my knees and begging her to stay.

When the shower shuts off I flip on my side and face the wall. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, willing myself to fall asleep instead of worrying whether keeping Bella with me is the right decision. The bathroom door opens, and I listen as Bella pads across the bedroom. "Edward?" she whispers.

I keep my eyes closed and pretend to sleep. If I turn and look at her I won't be able to resist pulling her into bed and holding her all night. I know her well enough to know she won't deny me, but I have no way of knowing if it's something she wants or if she would just go along with it for my sake.

The bed dips under Bella's weight as she crawls onto it. The lamp clicks off, and I feel the covers shift. I fight with all the willpower I have not to roll over and lose myself in her. Before my resolve can waiver, Bella presses her body against my back and wraps her arm around my waist. I place my hand over hers and sigh in relief as her fingers weave through mine.

She wants me.

"Goodnight, Edward." Her warm breath washes over the back of my neck. It causes goose bumps to form on my arms and a flutter in the pit of my stomach. I smile to myself and respond by squeezing her hand.

For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay.

*.*.*

In the morning I pack for Seattle. I am bringing more than I did the first time. Now that Bella's with me I actually care about how I look. I want to leave a good impression if I meet her father—Chief of Police who believed I kidnapped his daughter and threatened me with his shotgun—and it wouldn't hurt to show up on my father's doorstep looking respectable. The prospect of meeting two fathers for the first time is definitely not helping my nerves.

I grab Bella a pillow from the bed for the car ride and carry it into the foyer along with my bag. Bella is on the couch watching Saturday morning cartoons. I stand in the doorway watching her. She is beautiful, sexy, and innocent all wrapped up in one perfect package. Right now there's nothing I want to do more than run to her, pull her into my arms, and kiss her. I don't, though. The confidence I had last night, when Bella crawled into bed and held me, was gone by morning. She offered me comfort when it was obvious I needed it. She held me as a friend—nothing more—and in the morning I woke up to an empty bed.

Bella catches me staring at her. She smiles, and it's enough to send my heart into overdrive. She is like an angel. My angel. I return her smile without even thinking about it. I will never cease to be amazed by how she effortlessly turns my mood around. "Ready to hit the road?"

She nods and turns off the TV before making her way over to me. I manage to juggle both of our bags, the pillow, Eddie, and a small box of books as I walk to the car. The books are for Bella to read. She was admiring my collection last night, and I insisted she bring along as many as she wanted.

"I can carry something," she offers.

"Nah, I got it," I reply. "Open the trunk?"

Bella grabs the keys from my hand and pops the trunk open. I set the books and bags inside before I make my way to the passenger side of the car and toss the pillow and Eddie onto Bella's seat. When I realize she isn't beside me I look up to find her staring into my trunk. Her jaw is hanging down, and her eyes are wide as saucers.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"You have… there's a shovel in your trunk," she half states, half asks.

"Yes." I always keep a shovel in my trunk. It's fun to drive a little crazy when it's icy, and I've ended up digging myself out of a ditch more than once.

Bella laughs almost maniacally. "Garbage bags?" She pulls out a handful of black, heavy duty trash bags and eyes me curiously.

I shrug. "Never know when I'm going to have to haul something dirty," I explain. "Why? What's the big deal?"

Bella smiles and shakes her head. I can't help but feel I'm missing out on a joke. "Nothing," she says and climbs into the front seat.

*.*.*

"So," Bella begins once we're on the freeway, "where to first?"

"Minneapolis," I answer.

"Mall of America," she states.

"Do you want to go?" I'd love to take Bella shopping again. I bet there are lots of lingerie stores in that fucker. I wonder if she would model for me. Fuck, I can't think about that right now.

"Um, no," she says sternly. "That sounds like my worst nightmare."

"I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad," I argue. Bella eyes me skeptically. My mind wanders as I envision another shopping expedition with her.

We go to Victoria's Secret, and I pick out a little bit of everything for her to try on. Bella puts on the innocent things first—a little white nightgown to play up her angelic side—before moving on to the naughty items. After she changes, she steps out of the dressing room to show off for me,and I tell her how beautiful she is. When I motion for her to twirl in a circle, she looks shy and blushes, but she complies, and I see every angle of her glorious body. When she comes out wearing a black silk corset, thong, and matching garter belt I can't control myself any longer. I push her into the little room, my hands on her body, my mouth on hers. I press her against the wall with my body, and she wraps a leg around me. My lips attach to her neck, and I suck on the thin skin there, marking her as mine. Reaching around, I grab her ass and pull her closer, grinding against her as I dig my fingers into her soft flesh. She moans my name, and I watch in the mirror as I—

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Being hard while driving is not comfortable. Hell, being hard while not having any sort of release in the immediate future is not comfortable in general. I curse myself for not wearing looser pants as I reach down and adjust myself. Maybe it's because of dry humping Bella on the couch or from spending four nights in the same bed, but I'm not worried about her seeing the reaction my body has in her presence.

If Bella notices she doesn't let on.

The hours pass quickly. We talk casually, keeping the topics light. We discuss our favorite books, music, and movies. There are a few movies that are in theaters now that we both want to see.

"That preview looked fucking hilarious!"

"Yeah, we should see it before…" Bella trails off. Her smile falters as she looks down and picks at her fingernails. She doesn't need to finish. I know what she's thinking.

Before I leave you.

"When we get to Seattle," she pauses, "do you want me to come with you? I understand if you want to be alone. Maybe my dad will let me stay with him."

Wait, what?

"He would probably love to see me," she continues. "It's been almost a year since I moved out, and he was pretty upset with me when I talked to him the other day. It will probably be good for me to go smooth things over..."

I thought we decided to go to Seattle together. I thought she was going to stay with me the entire time. My heart lurches at the thought of her leaving. I don't want to be without her and it has absolutely nothing to do with meeting my father on my own. For the first time I realize I never want to be away from her.

Ever.

"…to ask him first but I'm sure it will be okay. What do you think?" she asks delicately.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

"Whatever you think is best," I manage to choke out. I want to tell her "no fucking way." I want to grab her and never let go. I want to turn the car around and drive us back to Chicago or Florida or wherever it takes in order for us to stay together, but I know in my heart the decision has to be hers. Dissuading her from seeing her father is something I refuse to do, and I won't stand in the way of Bella making her own decisions. If I end up alone, so be it. I can't make her feel the same way about us as I do, and although begging doesn't sound like too bad of an idea right now, I can't force her to stay. For a moment I hope her father tells her she can't stay with him, but it only makes me feel shittier than I already do.

Bella senses the sudden change in my mood. "It will be okay, you know." I shake my head violently; it won't be okay. "What are you most worried about? When you meet your father, I mean."

It's a good thing Bella qualified her question because I was about to answer "losing you." I exhale heavily. I had hoped to avoid any difficult conversations today. "Most worried about? That's a tough question, Kiddo." The defeated tone of my voice causes me to shudder.

"Maybe if you pinpoint it you can learn to look at it in a different light. Maybe your worst fear isn't really all that bad."

"There are a lot of things I worry about, Bella. If I had to pick one thing, it's that he won't even hear me out. He'll turn me away without a second thought. I won't even make it past the front door."

"Why is that the worst?" she asks.

I look at her in disbelief. It seems like a pretty shitty deal to me. One look at her face tells me she's serious. "Be-because it is!" I sputter.

"That's a crappy reason, Edward. Come on, be serious."

"I am serious!" I exclaim.

"But why? Edward, I'm trying to help you!" Bella frowns.

I groan under my breath. Thinking about all the things that could go wrong is definitely not helping. "I don't want to feel the rejection. I don't want another person in my life walking away from me." The words catch in my throat and are almost inaudible.

"Edward, what if you get to know him only to find out he's a bad person?"

Great, another thing to add to the list of concerns. "I don't know," I answer honestly.

Bella sighs and rolls her eyes at me. "Would you want him in your life?"

"I suppose not." I've had a lot of shitty people in my life. I don't want to replace them with someone else who is equally as shitty.

"Well, I think anyone who would turn away his own child, who is an adult, who wants nothing more than to meet his birth father is a pretty crappy person. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I guess," I answer, not really sure where she's going with this.

"So if he doesn't give you a chance he's not someone you want in your life. At least you won't waste time getting to know him only to have his true colors shine through later," she states simply.

I understand the point Bella is trying to make, but it doesn't make me feel any more confident. She's looking at me expectantly, and I don't have it in me to burst her bubble. She only wants to help. "Thanks, Bella," is the only thing I can bring myself to say.

She reaches over the center console and takes my hand. My stomach clenches at the gesture. I notice Bella only makes contact with me when I'm upset or hurting, never just for the hell of it. It seems as though she only does it to comfort me and not because she wants to be close to me. It doesn't give me much hope for any type of relationship with her outside of this… whatever the hell we have going on right now.

"I thought you said you were adopted," Bella accuses quietly.

"Your words, not mine." I cringe at the harshness of my voice. I need to control my emotions better when I'm around her.

If she notices my sudden change of attitude, she doesn't let it bother her. "I don't understand." Her voice is barely audible.

"My mother was fifteen when she got pregnant. My parents… I mean my grandparents… god, that's weird to say." I look at Bella and try to guess what she's thinking. Her face gives nothing away so I continue. "My grandparents were worried about what people would think of them or how it would affect their social status or some bullshit like that. I don't exactly understand. They moved from Seattle to Chicago. I was born there and raised as their own child." It's the simplified version but hopefully it's enough to appease Bella for now. "What are you thinking?"

"You just found all this out last month?" she asks as her brows knit together in a frown.

"Yes."

"And your mom told you?"

"My mother, sister, whatever… yeah. I didn't want to believe her. I was so angry that I walked out on her. It was the last time I saw her. I didn't even go to the funeral." I chance a look at Bella. Her expression is still unreadable. "You must think I'm a horrible person."

"No. I don't," she assures me with a soft squeeze of her hand. "Why didn't you want to believe her?"

This time I squeeze Bella's hand. "She suffered from a traumatic brain injury last winter and was never quite the same. Uh, she was in the car accident with our mother. Er, my grandmother. Fuck, am I confusing you? Because I'm confusing the fuck out of myself."

Bella shakes her head. "I'm keeping up." She gives me a small smile. "What made you believe her?"

"I think part of me knew she was telling the truth. A lot of the things she spoke about never made sense but this… she gave me too many details. Everything just… clicked. That and, after she died, I found a letter she wrote to my father."

"Really?" Bella asks in surprise. "Can I read it?"

Her question takes me off-guard. The situation is so morbid—I can't imagine her having any interest in reading it. The look on her face tells me she's sincere. "If you want."

*.*.*

We arrive in Minneapolis a little after five o'clock. I find a nice hotel to stay at for the night; Bella doesn't complain. Things are looking up so far.

The room has two beds.

Fuck.

I place both our bags in the center of one bed and toss Eddie onto the other. Hopefully the setup will send Bella a subliminal message—one bed is for us, one bed is for our shit. If our time together has an expiration date, I want to make the most out of it, even if my feelings are one-sided.

We order room service and eat on the bed I hope to share with Bella tonight. She has been quiet for most of the evening but eyes me curiously as she picks apart her sandwich. It looks as if she's itching to say something.

"What?" I chuckle.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing." Bella looks away from me.

Considering everything we've talked about over the past week, I'm concerned at what is going through her head to make her zip her lips now. "Come on, Kiddo. Tell me what you're thinking." My stomach drops as I realize that maybe this is it—the part where she tells me that she's sick of my bullshit.

"Um… well, I was just wondering how your, uh…" Bella glances at me before she looks away again. I am confused and have no idea what she's talking about, but by the look on her face, it can't be anything bad. She's so damn cute that I have to fight the urge to giggle.

"Spill it, Bella."

"I mean, um," she continues to stammer as she blushes bright pink. I think that's my new favorite color. Bella is adorable when she's flustered, and I can't help but laugh. I wait patiently to find out what she's so embarrassed about. "How is the, uh… you know, on, um… your, uh… behind?"

Huh?

Oh!

"Are you referring to the dark purple welt you left on my ass?" I tease.

Bella's face pales and her demeanor changes from flustered to remorseful. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't think—"

"Don't," I interrupt. "I told you I like it. If I could keep it forever, I would." I raise my hand to caress her cheek but stop myself before making contact. Keeping my desire to touch her in check is proving to be difficult. If she makes one move—one move—my control is going to fly out the window. I'm giving in to every urge I've ever had the first time she does anything that isn't deemed as platonic. I will hold her tight and never let go. I will lay my heart on the line and do everything in my power to show her how I feel about her, to let her know what she means to me.

As vulnerable as it makes me feel, I want to give my heart to Bella. My desire to be with her outweighs my fear of being hurt. The sudden flood of emotions overwhelms me, and I feel the need to escape and be alone with my thoughts. "I'm going to jump in the shower before we go to bed, okay?"

"Okay."

*.*.*

The lights are off when I exit the bathroom, but the room is illuminated by the glow of the television. My heart sinks as I make out Bella's sleeping form in the bed that previously held our bags. She's not quite in the middle, not quite committed to one side, and I can't tell by her position whether she wants to sleep alone or not. I don't understand why she isn't in the bed where we sat all night. If Bella wanted to share a bed, I doubt she would have gone out of her way to clear off the bed she's in.

I stand between the two beds, alternating between looking longingly at hers and glaring angrily at the empty one. My head reels as I try to decide where to sleep. I consider waking Bella up to ask if I can crawl in bed with her, but she looks so peaceful I can't bear to disturb her.

With a heavy heart, I pull back the covers and slide into the other bed, alone with the exception of the fucking plush turtle. It looks like she didn't want either of us tonight. I squeeze the stupid thing to my chest in an attempt to fill the void left behind after spending four nights with Bella. Four nights in heaven. I lie awake for what feels like forever, watching Bella sleep and wishing I could be close to her. I am exhausted but can't silence my mind long enough to fall asleep.

Bella stirs as the early morning light filters into the room. Her hand slides out from underneath her chin and makes a pass across the sheets. She sits halfway up, squinting as her eyes adjust to the dim light, and looks around the room. "Edward?" she calls out groggily. "Are you in here?"

"I'm here," I answer.

Bella frowns as her head snaps in my direction. "What are you doing?"

Lie. Lie. Lie. "Watching you sleep." Damn it. My admission is met with momentary silence, and I hope she doesn't feel uneasy because of it.

"Why… why are you all the way over there?" Bella's voice drops to a whisper and is filled with so much sadness that I am off my bed and crawling into her arms before the words are completely out of her mouth. Her fingers twist into my hair as I bury my face into her neck. I wrap my arm around her tiny body and sling my leg over her so I can pull her closer. Bella's body is welcoming, familiar, and comforting. There are so many things I want to tell her. Instead I let my eyes drift closed, just enjoying the way it feels to lie in her arms. Her fingers trace a soothing pattern along my scalp, and within minutes I slip into a deep slumber.