Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea and characters in my head.
Summary: They are both starting to let each other in, but Brooke's headed towards a downward spiral and Lucas isn't sure if he is the right person to help. The closer they get the worse things get, and they both start to wonder if they are really best for the other
Authors Note: Hello strangers! Sorry it's been so long since my last update. I know it isn't my best, but there are a few parts I really like and I hope you do! Please review! Here is chapter twelve.
When Your Dreams Died
Chapter Twelve: Disposition
like the battles with yourself
that leave you insecure
It's all just a nulling charade
Until the day you finally wake up
and you're not, afraid.
Bound my my own disposition,
an endless hunt to find for wishing.
I'm insatiable, even if my cup is full.
She was going to be late again, that was clear the minute she woke up to the sun blinding her as a bird chirped annoyingly on the edge of the railing of her balcony. She let out a tired groan as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Yawning she examined her surrounds realizing quickly that she wasn't in her bed and she wasn't next to her daughter. Instead she was next to an empty bottle of rum. Normally she would just ignore this fact and take the bottle inside and throw it away like she normal did, but the larger then usual headache was putting a slight damper on those plans.
"Baby, you gotta get up" Broke said softly, rubbing her small child's back once she was back in her room. The blonde stirred or a moment before releasing a groan before she rolled over, letting her large hazel eyes flatter open. A smile spread across her face making her deep dimples show "Morning doll face" Brooke smiled leaning down to kiss her daughter forehead "We are running late, we gotta move" Brooke said moving away from the bed and in to her bathroom, turning on the fosset before she started to brush her teeth, trying her hardest to get the stale taste of alcohol to vanish.
"Mommy?" Brynlee's husky voice called out. The small girl hopped off the bed, rubbing a hand through her wild curly hair.
"Yea babe?" Brooke asked with a mouth full of toothpaste
"Where were you last night?" The blond ask stepping up on the stool next to the sink before she reached over and grabbed her small Barbie tooth brush
Brooke spit the foam her mouth slowing, trying her best to avoid eye contact with her daughter. "What do you mean babe? I was with you." She said as she squeezed a little bit of toothpaste on to Brynlee's brush.
"No…" Brynlee started before sticking the small pink stick in to her mouth, "you left"
Brooke, who had now moved on to brushing her hair, slowed her strokes slightly. She hated that she actually had to have this conversation with her daughter; she had always said it would never get this bad, it would never affect Brynlee, and she would never have to lie to her daughter. But yet before she even knew what she was saying, another lie was rolling right off her tongue.
"I got really hot and decide to go sleep outside…"
"But it's really REALLY cold outside." Brynlee said with furrowed eyebrows, foam seeping from the corners of her mouth as she continued to brush.
"I know, but sometimes you jut want to be really cold." Whoa Brooke… that is the best you could do? With a line like that you might as well have jut been honest and said 'Honey, I left you alone in my bed last night because I had a sick uncontrollable urge to down a full bottle of liquor in the middle of the night by myself.'
Brynlee shrugged however and sip the foam from her mouth before hopping down and wiping her mouth on the hanging towel behind her.
"I am going to go get dressed," she said as she looked up to her mother for the okay.
"Alright sweet pea, I left you outfit on your chair, come get me if you need help."
"Kay," and with that the blonde's curls were bouncing behind her as she made her way out of the room.
XXX
"Bryn baby girl lets go!" Brooke yelled from the kitchen as she continue to gather the last few items off the counter before stuffing them in to her daughter pink lunch box. "We are going to be even later then we are right now princess." Brooke called again looking down at the white watch on her wrist. Her head was still killing her and her stomach felt as though it could open up at any moment, but to look at her you would never know it. Even hung over she was beautiful, her hair perfectly curled and her make up applied in perfect stokes.
"Mommy I don't know were Fred is." Brynlee said coming out of her room, a confused expression written on her face as she looked around her.
"Well where were you when you last had him?" Brooke asked pouring the last bit of coffee in to the to go mug in her hand.
Brynlee shrugged, her small backpack rising slightly on her shoulders as she did so. She was dressed in a simple light green polo which was paired with a pair of jeans. The ruffles from her socks laid above her simple white shoes and her wild hair was pulled back in to a lose pony tail. "I took him out side for a little while yesterday but I thought I brought him back in." She explained.
"Good morning darlings!" Casey's voice sang as she walked in to the apartment with a smile. "Ready to go to preschool munchkin?" She asked the small child.
"I need to find Fred." She pouted as her small arms tried to lift the couch cushion.
"Baby, how about I look for Fred and then I will bring him to you when I pick you up." Brooke asked.
"But I need him to come with me."
Brooke looked down at her daughter with a sad smiled. "You are sure he isn't in your room?"
"I think he might still be outside, I'm going to go look." Brynlee said and started for the door before Brooke stopped her.
"Wait babe, why don't you go get your jacket and I will go see if he is out there, you are going to be late if we don't get a move on."
Brynlee nodded her head before she ran off to her room to grab the jacket that was laying on her bed, while Brooke made her way out the back door to look for her daughter beloved bear.
"I am just going to wait downstairs." Casey called to her.
"Kay." Brook answered back for making her way in to the chilling morning. She rubbed her hands together in an attempt to warm her self as she looked around for the old ratty gray bear. She still to this day couldn't figure out how out of every stuff animal her daughter had, that stupid, smelly torn up teady bear was her favorite. It was missing an eye and had "stitches" as Brynlee called them, all over from placed where the bear's seaming had split. She finally spotted it lying on the chair next to the one that she had occupied the night before and smiled as she grabbed the bear.
"Brooke?" She turned hearing the voice, her smile falling slightly when her eyes meant his. "What are you doing out here?"
"I had to find Bryn's bear" Brooke said before thinking.
"You still have Fred?" Lucas asked taking the ratty bear out of her small hands before laughing slightly. "His seen better days."
"Yeah," she nodded slightly before an awkward silence fell over them.
"Do you remember when I gave this to you?" He smiled.
"When I came over that night after the shooting… you made fun of me after I told you that I had a purple monkey that I use to sleep with when I was scared but I lost him when I went to Paris with my family…."
"And then I told you that it wasn't a purple money but I did had an old bear that I use to sleep with when I was scared that you could have." Lucas smiled.
"And then I told you that you should keep it and you told me…"
"As long as I had you I didn't need him." Lucas finished for her as his thumb ran over the bear slowly before his eyes catch sight of something else. "Rough night?"
She looked at him confused for a moment before she looked down at the floor beside him and sighed. "Please don't start."
"I would love to assume you didn't drink that all yourself, but seeing as your roommate is a four year old…"
"Lucas…"
"Brooke you need to see someone, this isn't right, it's not normal…. Or healthy for that matter."
"What it is is none of your business." She said taking the bear out of his hands. "Now if you don't mind, I need to get my daughter to school" and with that all he heard was the clicking off her heals against the cement before the door slammed loudly behind her.
XXX
She looked down at her watch as she walked through the spinning door. She took a breath when she saw she made it with a little less then three minutes to spare. She hated when morning went the way this morning had. It throw the whole rest her day off. And with the way things had been going she couldn't afford to be thrown off. The elevator let out a loud bing before the doors opened allowing Brooke to walk out to her office, offering the pretty red head at the front desk a smile before collecting her messages and reading them as she pushed open her office door.
She removed her coat, throwing it lazily over one of the small chairs that sat in front of her desk, and groaned slightly as she continued to read through the messages. She had three different meetings, two different phone conferences as well as finalizing the last of her designs with Carolina. This was going to be a long day, she thought to her self with a sigh... and then, to her surprise, her large, black leather chair turned. The pink messages in her hands fell when she saw who it was occupying her seat.
"Oh, so you do check you're messages… could have fooled me seeing as I have left you countless and yet not one has been returned."
Yep. This was definitely going to be a long day.
"Mother… what are you doing here?" Brooke sighed and leaned down to pick up the messages she had dropped. She set them on her desk before moving around the mahogany table and taking her seat once her mother stood up.
"I need to talk to you."
"So you flew to New York?" Brooke huffed.
"Well I tried calling, but it seems that you have seemed to have forgotten your manner… it is very unprofessional." Victoria Davis, stated, head healed strong and high as she smoothed out her flawless black suit.
"Well then I guess it is a good thing you aren't a client…. Now if you don't mind I have a lot of work to do." Brooke sighed.
"Well I do mind Brooklyn, I flew all the way out her and you can't even give me two minutes."
"You can't just show up and expect me to just be able to drop everything. I have a thousand things to do, and listening to you tell me about all my faults is not something I have time for." She snapped.
"How do you know that is what I need to discuss with you Brooklyn. See you always do this, you assume what I am going to say inset of just listening and having a normal adult conversation." Victoria scolded, crossing her arms across her chest.
Brooke let out an aggravated huff before dragging her hands throw her hair. "What do you need then mother?—please I am dying to know."
"I want to talk to you about your current situation."
"What current situation?" Brooke asked as she continued to go through a few emails on her computer.
"Well, work seems to be starting to kind of take off for you."
"Yes, and you point would be?"
"Well, I talked to Mother and she told me that Brynlee was now with you full time."
"Again, yes." Brooke said, still not looking up to her mother.
"Brooklyn, I just wonder if you have really thought this through." Victoria stressed, sitting down on the edge of the chair in front of Brooke's desk.
"What do you mean mother?" Brooke asked in annoyance.
"Are you sure you can handle all of this?" She paused, "I mean if your designs get picked up you are going to need to do so much. I just worry now that Brynlee is living with you that your career will suffer."
"My career will be fine. People work and have children everyday." Brooke's icy tone caused her mother to become more firm in getting her point across.
"Yes," Victoria replied, "but most of those people aren't successful."
"What is your point mother?" Brooke groaned, finally looking up.
"My point is that I think right now you need to be focused more on your career, you had a good thing going with your grandmother. I just don't understand why you would want to risk your career at a time like this."
"Because she is my child mother and it was hard enough handing her off in the first place." Brooke said with anger rising in her voice. Her familiar raspy tone became more hoarse than usual as she continued. "She is my responsibly, she comes first over everything."
"All you would need is another year though Brooklyn, think of where you could be. Think of the money and the popularity, you could be a label Brooke, but you have to apply yourself." Victoria continued to push the subject.
"That is all fine and good mother, but again, my child is my first priority."
"Brooklyn, you and I both know that you can't do both—you don't have the ability. It will never work for you. You are the kind of person that can only handle so much. You know this just as well as I do." She shrugged simply. "You are silly to think you can actually accomplish anything well you run around playing mommy."
"I am not running around playing mommy, I am a mother."
"Well then why weren't you all through your college career?"
"That was different." Brooke broke eye contact with her mother to stare down at her desk momentarily.
"How? You wanted to further yourself, and that is what you did, how is this any different?" Victoria asked snappishly.
"Because the deal was once I was done with college, she would come back with me. I am a big girl and I can handle this and I really don't need you here telling me how to live my life." Brooke said firmly, the anger and frustration clearly evident in her voice
"So you idea of handling it is hiding away a bottle of rum in the back of your drawer?"
"You went through my drawers?" Brooke asked trough her teeth.
"And it is a good thing I did…. Brooke, when are you going to wake up and face that fact that you just aren't built to handle this. It's above your head. You will never succeed like this, just like I told you when you came and told me you were pregnant. She was a mistake, and you have an opportunity to fix that mistake and you are still choosing to fail. I just don't know what is wrong with you."
"First of all, my daughter is not a mistake. Second of all, I am not choosing to fail. I am choosing to own up to my chose, unlike you. I have a child and I love her with everything I have. Who the hell do you think you are to tell me all of this, you were nothing more then some rich mans trophy. You never loved me, and you never loved daddy, you loved the money and the status. I would rather die then become anything like you. So if that make same a failure then so be it, but ad least I can do to sleep with some dignity."
"So drinking your thoughts away is what they call dignity now-a-days?"
"You are really one to talk." Brooke scoffed in disbelief.
"I am your mother, and I want you to do well and it is clear that will never happen if you continue with this way of life."
"You have to act like a mother to be a mother, therefore you are not. I will not sit here and listen to you telling me to give up the one thing that actually matters. I am not going to sit her and have you pick me apart just as you always do. As far as I am concerned, you are not my mother, and I am completely okay with that. So if you wouldn't mind showing your self out, I would really appreciate it."
And with that, Victoria Davis, offered a smug look before grabbing her purse, then straighten her skirt and was out the door without another word. Brooke was left to sit there with her head in her heads.
This was going to be a long day.
XXX
She let the wind blow past her, her eyes in a slight squint as she let the dark grey smoke leave her mouth. Her lungs became slightly dry from the decay that was being breathed in to them. She let her long auburn hair blow behind her as the wind swept past and brought the thin white stick back to her mouth. Hearing the subtle sound of paper burning down as the garbage it contained burned in to her lungs, brought with it a calm and relaxing feeling. She breathed out leaning against the brick wall while letting her arm fall to her side. The half smoked cigarette in-between her fingers felt heavy as she looked out at the busy city lot in front of her.
"Wouldn't have pegged you for a smoker." Came an increasingly familiar tone.
"No but you would have pegged me for an alcoholic." She snapped out automatically.
"I never said that Brooke… I am just worried and I think you've just be-"
"Been drinking to much?" She asked, a strike of bitterness eating through her words as she turned to him.
"Well, yeah." He shrugged.
"Well who the hell are you to decide that?" she asked harshly, taking another drag from the cigarette.
"Brooke, every time I have seen you you're either drinking, already drunk, or hung-over."
"Well I am sorry that I need to unwind every once in a while." She flicked the thin stick; letting some of the burnt ash fall.
"Brooke there is other ways to unwind then drinking yourself to the point where you can't even remember your own name."
"Oh really Lucas, and what are those other ways? What… could I talk to you, tell you about my troubles, everything that is bugging me… yeah right." She chuckled
"Why are you being like this, you were never like this before?" Lucas said with a sigh.
"People change." Brooke shrugged taking another long drag from the cigarette, letting the smoke burn her lunges before she let it out slowly.
"You didn't have to."
"Actually, I did… things changed, there for I had to change with them."
"You need to talk to someone Brooke, let someone help you."
"I don't need help Lucas!" Brooke snapped. "I don't fucking need to talk, or vent or anything. I need to get my line done by the dead line and I need to finish Brynlee's room, and take her to the park and spend some real time with my kid for once. But I don't fucking need help, and even if I did… it isn't like it is anything I could get help with. So take your advice and shove it because it is not helping!"
"And whose fault is that?" Lucas snapped back.
"Mine of course." She said with a bitter chuckle.
"You know you can't just take every serious thing and turn it in to sarcasm."
"Could have fooled me." Brooke let the cigarette drop and crushed it with the toe of her expensive black heal before pushing herself off the building and past Lucas.
"Brooke!" He snapped, calling after her.
"What Lucas, what the hell do you want from me? I am in over my head and I don't know what the fuck to do any more, ok? Are you happy? You got me to say it. I, Brooke Davis haven't a fucking clue as to what the fuck I am doing! Ok, happy?"
"No, I'm not Brooke, I want to help you."
"Then just let me be."
"What so you can go drowned your sorrows in a bottle of Vodka and a few Tequila shots?"
"You have no right to judge me," she hissed through her teeth.
"Well maybe if you would tell me-"
"It's not like you would understand, like I said you don't know me." She said turning way form him again, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she took a small breath.
"Because you won't let me." He snapped turning her back to face him.
"Yeah because you just opened the gates to you right up." She chuckled bitterly.
"Hey! I am really trying here, you are the one that avoids me every chance you get!" Lucas yelled, frustration clear in his voice.
"It isn't my fault I am busy Lucas!" Brooke yelled back.
"I am busy too, yet I have time to pick up a phone. But then again, I should have known, calling people back was never one of your strong suits." Lucas said with a sour chuckle.
"Yea? Well when you had a boyfriend who never use to call you then suddenly starts? It's kind of a shock." She smirked. "Especially when he starts calling after you've broken up with him and he had wasted no time in dating your best friend."
"Are you ever going to let high school go?" Lucas asked in a lower tone.
"It isn't just high school to me, it was my life Lucas. And you managed to make it a living hell. I'm still trying to manage the ability to stomach the sight of you!"
"So it is really that bad? I hurt you that bad you can't even look at me four years later?"
"Yep." Brooke stated simply. Looking away from him and out at the streets in front of her as she did so.
"Take another shot Brooke cause you were the one that broke up with me." Lucas growled out spitefully.
"After you kissed MY best friend, AGAIN!" Her voice rose higher, her head snapping to look at him again.
"She kissed me!" he fought back.
"You didn't stop her!" came her agitated reply.
"At least she let me in."
"Yeah, and at least you gave her your heart." Brooke scoffed. "At least someone has it." She sighed, ending the yelling match as she pushed past him yet again, her heals clicking on the dirty pavement.
"Brooke! Damn it! Brooke!" He yelled, pulling her arm forcing her to stop. "I loved you, I loved you and I wanted to let you in but you weren't giving me a chance. You needed too much from me, and I couldn't do it." The minute the words left his mouth he wanted nothing more then to stick both his feet in to it.
The words replayed in his head as he realized what an idiot he must have sounded like. His eyes clenched tight with regret as she ripped her arm away from him. The daggers her eyes were sending him were proof enough to make him see how stupid he truly was.
"Well, if you loved me, it shouldn't matter now, now should it?" and with that, Brooke Davis was gone, and Lucas was left to kick him self in the ass—yet again.
Something things never truly changed.
Xxx
