Belle slept past eight, her limbs heavy and her head feeling like it had the last time she'd gotten drunk and woken with a hangover. It had been rare, that she'd drink more than a few sips of wine when her father entertained, but last New Year's Eve Gaston had insisted on drinks. And more drinks. She only half remembered the night, but the morning after was vivid.
She had to make a choice between a shower and breakfast if she wanted to make it to her session on time. Gold would forgive her for being late, but still she rushed down to the cafeteria to get something to eat. If she took a shower she'd have to deal with the bandage on her arm. If she didn't eat he'd be disappointed. It was an easy choice to make, even if eating food wasn't easy. She managed two pieces of toast and a cup of tea, and left the cafeteria as Ruby and Mary Margaret were coming in.
"I don't like rumors, so I'm not going to repeat anything that I've heard. I'm just going to ask if you're okay." Ruby blocked the doorway for a moment.
"We'd miss you if you were going to leave," Mary Margaret said softly.
"I'm not going away." It was easier to answer Mary Margaret then Ruby. Was she okay? Did she even know that okay was supposed to look like? "I have to get to my session. Maybe I'll be in the art room later."
"Come find me if you need me," Ruby said, reaching out her hand. A small gesture. Belle wasn't ready to take it. Touch was difficult, even when it was something that she wanted.
"Thanks." The cafeteria was starting to fill up; she passed Jefferson and August as she was walking out.
"If you keep your eye on the ball you can't see what the other hand is doing," was Jefferson's advice for the day. Belle nodded. August rolled his eyes.
Belle crossed the lobby to get the the office door. It was locked. Belle tried the handle again, but it still refused to move. She looked over her shoulder; the clock in the lobby read ten minutes before nine. Doctor Gold had never been late before. He'd also never stood up to her father before, and people didn't do that without paying a price.
It was all her fault.
"Belle?" Doctor Hopper had a key in his hand. The key, strangely enough, that unlocked Gold's office door.
"I don't understand." She'd never seen anyone in Gold's office unless he was there except Henry, who was allowed to read his books.
"Nick's not going to be able to come in today. He's fine, and he'll be here tomorrow, but he asked me if I'd spend a little time with you this morning. I thought you'd find his office more comfortable than my own. Unless you like crickets?" he asked, sounding hopeful. Belle wasn't sure if if was a joke. She shrugged. "I find them very soothing but not everyone likes the noise. We moved a lot when I was a boy, but one thing I could always count on was hearing crickets."
"He's really alright? My father didn't…"
"I talked to him this morning. He twisted his knee and needs to keep his weight off it. It's just a precaution." Belle wasn't sure she believed him, but she didn't have a choice. She sat down in the corner of the couch that felt like it belonged to her, as much as anything belonged to her. Doctor Hopper sat in the armchair across from her. "I have his extra key because he's a good friend and trusts me, just like I trust him. If I have to be out of town he takes care of Pongo, my dog. Who do you trust, Belle?"
"I trust Doctor Gold." He'd promised she wouldn't have to go home to her father. He'd kept his word. He'd promised that everything she said to him was a secret, unless someone was in danger. Her father's frustration when he'd visited for family day told her how well he'd kept that promise. He'd never hurt her. He brought her cookies. There were a hundred little things that had made her trust in him.
"I know he'd be glad to hear that. It's important to him to help you, and trust is an important part of being able to do that." There was no tea on the table, no muffins or cookies. The office felt strange. Not quite the safe haven it was when her doctor was there. If her father came back would Archie Hopper be able to stop him? Would he try? "Is there anyone else here, Belle, that you trust?"
"Ruby." She spoke the name without thinking, but found it to be true. She did trust the girl, even if she couldn't tell Ruby her story. Ruby looked out for her. Ruby worried. Ruby flirted with the kitchen staff because she thought Belle needed soup.
"I think Ruby's a good person to trust. Would you say she's a friend?" Hopper asked. His smile was gentle and he leaned forward, his forearms resting on his legs. He was the only man Belle had ever seen wearing a sweater vest but it suited him; he looked like a librarian or a college professor.
"I think so." She didn't have a lot of experience with friends. There had been sleepovers and parties when she'd been a child, but that had all ended when her mama had died. She'd been friendly with people at school, but there was no one to confide in once they'd moved. And her father hadn't wanted her going away to college. She'd taken classes locally, and hadn't lingered. The librarian was as close as she'd come to a friend.
"I think she'd be glad to know you think that. I'm glad too, for both of you." He was so different from Doctor Gold. But different, too, from Doctor D'Arque and the others her father had sent her to see. She didn't trust him, but she didn't fear him either. "I know you eat sometimes with Ruby's other friends. She's mentioned it to me, because her friends are important to her. Would you say you trust any of them?"
Belle shook her head. Mary Margaret was kind and Jefferson made her smile. Ella had even attempted to make her feel better. Maybe she could call them friends. But trust? She couldn't say that. Belle bit her lip and took a breath. "Graham."
"Orderly Graham?" Hopper clarified.
"Yes." She couldn't think of anyone else. No one alive. There were three people she trusted, and that seemed like it had to say something about who she was. Three people, and two of them paid to take care of her. And the man she was engaged to marry wasn't on the list.
"I know what happened yesterday. I needed to know, because everyone on staff needs to be able to keep you safe. Your father isn't allowed here at Storybrooke, and I promise that he won't come here. But I think you would feel better if you had someone with you today that you trusted. It can't be Doctor Gold, but I'm going to make sure Graham is with you, alright? And if he isn't with you Ruby will be. I'd like to invite you to join us for group today, and I think it's a good idea for you to have your meals with Ruby. Will that make you comfortable?"
"I don't want Ruby to feel like she has to do anything." Ruby chose to be her friend, for some reason Belle still didn't understand.
"It's what friends do for each other. When I go home today I'll stop at Nick's first, and tell him about how today went, and probably scold him for putting too much stress on his knee. Friends look out for each other in the tough times, just like they celebrate together in the good times." Doctor Hopper got up, walking over to the desk that Belle had rarely seen used. There were photos, their backs to the room. He picked up two of them and brought them over, handing them to her. The first was of Doctor Hopper wearing an apron over a hawaiian shirt, standing next to a grill with a pair of tongs in one hand. Doctor Gold was next to him, casually but more sedately dressed in a blue polo shirt. They were both grinning. The second was of a group of men and women, including Gold and Hooper as well as Doctor Carabosse. They all wore black except Carabosse in purple. They all looked sober. "The director before Ms. Mills was a man named Zoso. He loved this place and he was a friend to us all. It was a great loss when he died, but it was easier because we had each other."
"I like this one better." She set the group picture on the table. The smile on Doctor Gold's face was one she'd only seen when he talked about his son.
"I like it a lot too." He let her hold it, not commenting on the fact that she looked at it more than she looked at him. It was easier. Not like talking to Doctor Gold, but less like she was only talking to someone she didn't know. Before she left he called for Graham and they had a quiet conversation. Belle didn't try to listen to what they were saying, but she could guess at the general tone.
"I'll see you this afternoon, Belle, but if you need to talk to me sooner come find me or tell Graham, alright?" Archie held the office door open to her. He didn't try to touch her. Belle nodded, knowing that she wouldn't seek him out. She didn't have anything she wanted to say, not to him. She just needed to get to the end of the day.
"How do you feel about a walk? We can go anywhere you like, but there's something at the lake I'd like to show you." Graham, she knew, prefered being outside. Belle didn't care where she was, and nodded.
"I just need to get a sweater first?" Though it was spring it was still cold outside, not that it mattered to her. Belle was always cold.
"Of course." He walked with her to her room, waiting outside for her. Opening the closet door to get her sweater made it difficult to resist the impulse to crawl inside. She could spend the rest of the day curled up in the dark. She would be safe there. She would be a coward. Belle took her sweater off the hanger and closed the door.
Walking outside wasn't easy. Doctor Hopper had promised that her father wouldn't come to get her. Doctor Gold had promised that the restraining order would keep him away. But there were so many places to hide outside. He could be watching from anywhere.
"The grounds are being patrolled by a security guard. Because of the trees he's wearing an orange vest, so if you see someone that's why." Graham nodded in the direction of the forest, where a hint of neon orange could be seen.
"Because of me?" She'd never heard of there being security guards at Storybrooke.
"Keeping you safe is what matters. Everyone on staff here wants to help people be both physically and mentally healthy. We're not going to let anything happen to you." Graham led them down the path to the lake. Belle thought of Regina and her cold smile when they'd been standing with her father, and didn't think that everyone in Storybrooke cared about safety. But she didn't argue. She believed Graham was there to protect her.
"You said there was something you wanted to look at?" She didn't want to talk about herself.
"It's over here. Careful, the ground is wet." When she came to the lake with her doctor they always sat on the bench. Sometimes they talked, and sometimes they just watched the water. She'd never ventured off the path, but Graham stepped into the marshy ground. Tall grass grew at the edge of the lake. When she caught up to him Graham pulled back a few tall pieces of grass to reveal a nest. Broken bits of shell made it look almost like someone had been attempting to make breakfast.
"Do you think they made it out alright?" Would a nest look different if it had been destroyed or if nature had taken its course?
"Why don't you tell me? Look what's coming over here." Graham, crouched down on the ground, pointed to the water. Sure enough a duck was swimming towards them, followed by five smaller fuzzballs that looked like they were covered in fur rather than feathers. "We'd better step back. We don't want to disturb them."
"Should we go?" One little duckling swam too close to the other, and there was a scuffle that looked just like a fight she'd seen between two children at a store once. She couldn't help smiling a little.
"They'd be disappointed if we did, since I brought them a treat." She hadn't seen him carry anything, but when he sat on the bench he took out a paper bag.
"Bread?" she guessed.
"Bread's a bad idea, actually. There's no nutritional value, and when they fill up on it they don't bother looking for things that actually help them. That's my treat, actually." He picked up the bag, and Belle was able to read the label. Queen of Tarts.
"That's Doctor Gold's son's bakery?" Gold had beamed when he'd told her about the bakery and his son's accomplishments. She'd managed to move beyond ginger cookies to some of his other offerings, though the cookies were still a favorite.
"Yeah, it is. Bay... I mean the shop has the best, well, everything. It's a bear claw today." Belle wasn't sure, but there was something about the way Graham spoke that was different than anything she'd heard him say before. She didn't think it was a good idea to ask more questions, though.
"Bear claws probably aren't good for ducks either, then." She remembered going to a pond to feed ducks with her mother when she was small, laughing at the way the ducks dove after the torn bits of bread.
"Good things for you and me that we're not ducks. They, however, are perfectly happy with peas."
"Peas?" She looked at the small bowl he'd apparently brought with him.
"Peas. They were frozen, but should be defrosted by now. Watch." He lobbed a pea into the water. The three little ducklings closest all dove for it, one coming up the victor. Three more peas, and there was a flurry of flapping wings. "Would you like to try?"
"I don't have to." Belle looked around; for a minute she'd forgotten how exposed they were.
"But would you like to?" He held the bowl out to her. After a moment's hesitation she took two small green pellets. The first landed in mud, but the second landed in the water with a satisfying plop, and was quickly gobbled up.
"They're hungry. Keep on going." Belle took a few more peas, throwing them one or two at a time, and watched. And when Graham offered her a bite or two of bear claw she didn't say no.
II
For lunch she didn't manage much more than moving her food around her plate. She sat with Ruby, mostly because she knew Graham had other duties and she didn't want to make him stay with her the whole day. Ruby made sure to include her in the conversation, but she didn't do much more than nod.
"So you're an honorary cricket today, huh? That's cool." When Belle went to the kitchen to ask for a nutritional drink Ruby came with her. It was the first time Gold's absence had been commented on; she looked down at the pop top of her drink before nodding.
"Do you think Doctor Hopper is someone that tells the truth?" She pulled open the lid of the drink. The tab where it was broken off was jagged enough that it was tempting to put it in the pocket, but she managed to make herself throw it away. They'd check, anyway. And she'd promised.
"I don't think anyone can tell the truth all the time, but I think most of the time he does, yeah. It wouldn't help much, would it, if he was lying to patents and they found out?" Ruby had used the visit to the kitchen to snatch a cookie, still warm from the oven. The smell, usually a good one, was cloying. Belle forced herself to gulp down more than half of the drink before throwing it away.
"I want to believe him." He'd promised that Doctor Gold was okay. That he was going to be back tomorrow. She wasn't sure she could believe, though, until she saw for herself. Her father usually got what he wanted, any way he wanted.
"Believing people is hard. But sometimes not as hard as believing yourself." Ruby shrugged and stuffed the cookie in her mouth. "Ready to go?"
Belle nodded even though she didn't feel ready at all.
II
"Miss French?" Session lasted an hour, and though Belle hadn't spoken and wasn't made to participate just being in a room with a dozen people had made her feel trapped. She was glad when she was able to leave, until she found someone waiting for her. The blonde curls and red leather were only vaguely familiar, but the badge at the woman's waist told her enough.
"You were here yesterday." She hadn't noticed much other than her doctor being at her side and then leaving. The sheriff had come to serve the papers to her father. She'd been thinking more about the man who was the center of everything and not the woman with the badge.
"I'm the sheriff, Emma Swan. I just need to ask you a couple of questions, if I can."
"Can this wait, Emma?" Belle was trying to formulate an answer when Graham came from the direction of the art room to join them.
"I don't think it should wait. I just need to understand a couple of things, so I can make sure the paperwork's solid. You can stay, if it's okay with Miss French." The sheriff looked at Graham, and for a moment nothing was said. Finally he nodded.
"Do you want me to stay, Belle? We can sit right here or go in the library. No one's in there right now," Graham offered.
"Will you come with us to the library?" They were too close to the Director's office for her comfort. Talking to a cop wasn't something she looked forward to doing, but she clung to the promise that it was only a few minutes. The sheriff had been the one to serve the papers, and she'd heard her father's bluster through the door. At least she knew that Swan was not on her father's side.
"Of course." Graham led the way. Emma looked around with enough curiosity to tell Belle that she hadn't spent time in the place, though it seemed clear that she knew Graham.
"Can I call you Belle? I'd be more comfortable if you called me Emma." The sheriff stood next to the non-working fireplace, leaning against the mantle. Belle picked up a book, holding it against her chest. Books offered a comfort little else in her life could give her.
"You can call me Belle." She liked it better than Miss French. 'Miss French' was the hostess that entertained her father's guests, or the woman that went to the club for dinners with Gaston. She hadn't been 'Miss French' since she'd arrived at Storybrooke.
"Like I said, Belle, I just have a couple of questions. I want you to know that you can tell me anything. My job is to keep the people in my town safe, and that includes you." Emma Swan seemed so young to be sheriff, but she seemed determined. "The only time I will talk about the things you tell me is when I need to use the information to protect your rights. As for Graham, I don't know anyone better at keeping a secret than him."
"I understand." She held the book a little tighter.
"I didn't speak to you yesterday. Gold's the one that gave me the restraining order, but I need to hear from you, without Gold or your father around, that it's what you want." Emma Swan didn't, apparently, believing in starting with the easy questions.
"Doctor Gold helped me get the restraining order." It wasn't, she knew, a clear enough answer. But even knowing her father would never hear the conversation it was difficult. Belle took a breath and looked at the corner of the mantle just over Emma's shoulder. "I don't want him near me."
Emma nodded. "That's my second question. I've been told that you don't want to be here. But you're over eighteen and I don't care what anyone else tells me. Where do you want to be right now?"
"I can't leave here. I'm scared." She felt her father's hand on her shoulder as strong as if he was at her side. She'd been so certain yesterday that he'd be taking her home. And she couldn't do it again. If she went home she knew the pills would be waiting for her. Her father wouldn't have found them, not in the box of pads in her bathroom. She wouldn't care what he did to her body if she wasn't in it any longer. She could just sleep. And it would be over.
"Is someone here threatening you? I can get you somewhere safe." Emma seemed like a coiled leopard, and Belle had no doubt she'd been in at least a few fights.
"Emma…" Graham spoke up for the first time.
"You can be here, Graham, but you can't interrupt." Emma didn't raise her voice. She didn't turn to look at Graham either, but he was silent. "Belle…"
"I'm not scared of anyone here. I thought everything had been decided for me, that I didn't have a choice. I didn't have hope before." Belle pressed her arm with her thumb, the wounds from the day before a dull throb. "I might be okay, someday. I never thought that before."
"I think you're going to be more than okay. Bastards like him don't get to win." Belle wondered if Emma knew her hand was resting next to her badge, her thumb brushing against the metal. "I might have to come back and ask more questions, but right now what I'm hearing is that you're where you want to be and it's my job to make sure you stay here."
It hadn't been her choice to come to Storybrooke, like so many things hadn't been her choice. But maybe, somehow, her father had done the right thing even if it was for the wrong reasons. "Please."
"I'll make sure that happens." Emma nodded. "If you need anything Graham knows how to get ahold of me. Unlike some people I actually answer my phone and texts"
"I forgot the sound was off on my phone," Graham said, not sounding like her felt too bad about it.
"What else is new?" Emma seemed to slip from sheriff mode to something else as she rolled her eyes. "Anytime, Belle. Sheriff is a twenty-four seven job."
"Thank you." Belle knew that she wouldn't call. It was kind of the sheriff to make the offer, though, and Graham trusted her. Belle set down the book. She was tired; maybe a nap would be alright now that the sheriff was leaving.
"You're welcome." She turned to Graham. "Call me about tonight."
"Yeah." Graham nodded. A moment later Emma was gone. Graham left the library door open. "She's very good at what she does. And she doesn't like to lose."
"Neither does my father." But he'd lost already. He'd lost her. Even if he got the restraining order overturned he couldn't make her forget everything she'd learned.
"Did you want to talk to Doctor Hopper? I'm sure he'd have some time for you," Graham offered.
"I'd like to see the ducks again, if you think they might be there. Can we ask Ruby if she wants to come?" Ruby had been enchanted when Belle had told her about the tiny ducklings.
"Let's go to the kitchen first and get some peas."
II
Belle went to bed right after dinner and slept fitfully, but woke up early enough to take a shower. Her arm was healed enough that she could leave off the bandages, though the newer marks were still pink against the white of her older scars.
"He promised," she whispered to herself like a mantra as she walked to the office rather than the dining room. Gold's door was open, but it wasn't until she saw the muffins and tea on the table that she let out the breath she'd been holding.
"Good morning, Belle." Doctor Gold sat in his chair, waiting. "Would you care for a muffin?"
"Yes, thank you." Belle stepped into the office.
