Sorry about the wait. Extra-long chapter for you guys, the very best fans evers.
This was written on a particularly spazzy note. Here is your mid-week snack. Devour quickly for best flavor. Leave a review if you want seconds.
Scrumdidileeumptious
Chapter 12
Behind Enemy Lines
Mr. Uchiha was pissed. Oh-so pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he demanded Tsunade at least put us all in detention for a day for destroying the ankle trackers. She obliged grudgingly because Mr. Uchiha frequently made donations to the school. Damn you, new library wings. Anyway, we missed out on the snow day, but the good news was that the cops were called off and we were free.
I began sleeping in their dorm again but I attended my own classes so as to avoid unwanted attention. Naruto accepted me back just fine even though he had seen me and Zetsu's very public and very widely heard of kiss in the cafeteria. You'd think something like that would send him a message but if anything at all, it had just encouraged him. Instead of giving up his creepy crush on me, he'd tripled his attempts to make me his girlfriend. And he was not the only one.
The male student body, for the most part, had decided that if I was willing to make out with a convicted criminal who was bi-colored in front of the whole school, the faculty, and the police force, then I must be easy. I'm not easy, though, I just have a soft spot for the Akatsuki. Either way, a huge rivalry broke out amongst the boys. Naruto fought most of them off during classes but there were simply too many. As he was telling Choji that I was not going to screw him in any dimension, Kiba snuck around to ask me if I liked my men wild.
The hallways were much worse, when I was surrounded by many more guys. The only uninterested ones were taken, gay, or Shino who doesn't actually count at all because he's less of a student and more of an insect on the walls of our classrooms that we have learned to ignore as he plays with the roaches and stink bugs in the corners. The only safe times were when I was with the guys. The other boys in school were persistent, but they were not about to cross the Akatsuki. If a boy were dumb enough to say 'hey, sexy' to me while one of the Akatsuki were around, they were pretty much guaranteed to wake up in Ecuador.
It was in this state of minds that the days began to pass again. Midterm results were passed out (I got full marks) and I helped the guys with their math homework every day after classes. In fact, it was already Friday before I realized something very crucial. I was sitting on Itachi's bed folding a pair of neon green boxers discussing the content of his A.P. European History textbook when it finally occurred to me. "We haven't gotten revenge on Orochimaru yet!"
Deidara, who was holding up a paint brush he had stolen from Sasori claiming that it was not a tool to produce art, froze and dropped the brush. Sasori, who had previously been trying to get the brush, ignored it. Zetsu looked up from his book. Kisame and Tobi, who were reading a comic book together stared at me, shocked that they hadn't remembered either.
Hidan was the first to speak. He paused his iPod, which I was extremely jealous of since I wanted one really bad, and declared "That fucking creepy, snake-loving bastard!" Either he really didn't like not having me around for a while there or he still held that grudge against Orochimaru for waking him up in the middle of the night to take me away.
"He is Voldemort…" Sasori whispered dramatically.
"But we…" Tobi continued, even more dramatic, "are Dumbledore's army…"
"So let's kick some Slytherin ass!" Kisame declared.
"That was way too much Harry Potter referencing for me… hold on a second." I leaned over the side of Itachi's bed and pulled out a sign from beneath it. I held it up for all to see.
"We do not claim rights to Harry Potter, Voldemort, Dumbledore's army, or Slytherin, un." Deidara read out loud.
I moved that sign out of the way so a new sign showed.
"We also don't own ourselves…" Tobi read sadly, admitting to the fact.
"Good, now that we're not getting sued," I said, tossing the signs behind me, so they flew right into the numerous sleeping bags clogging the hole I cut in the balcony door. "Let's plot properly."
Sasori picked up his paint brush giving Deidara a look that clearly read "I told you that paint brushes were useful" as he produced a small paint bottle. He dipped the brush in and began writing directly on the wall in the blood red paint. In big, dripping letters, he painted out Orochimaru's name. It looked like a murder scene once he had finished.
"Okay men and sexy freshmen!" Kisame said primly, standing up and throwing out his chest. I blushed at the off-hand compliment. "This is our target! How do we take him out?" He asked, slapping the name with a pink fly swatter he had gotten out of Sasori's bag.
Plans of extortion and black mail were thrown around wildly. Framing Orochimaru for child abuse, prostitution, being a pedophile, and rape were popular. Beating the crap out of him until he begged for mercy was also a major crowd pleaser, but not many seemed plausible. The risks of framing someone of doing something so extreme were grave and as far as we knew, Orochimaru was a creepy guy but not dangerous. He actually seemed like a butterfly next to Hidan when he was in one of his Jashin moods. Finally, a very plausible and good idea was thrown out by Hidan.
"Let's take all of his shit!" He suggested, very nearly giddy at the idea of Orochimaru being without all of his things.
"What are the consequences for full out theft?" Kisame asked, turning to Itachi who had his father's law book in front of him.
"With our records they would not make juvie an option for us and we'd all be legal adults by the time a theft trial was fully held, so if we are convicted, probably ten to twenty-five in jail." Itachi reported, flicking through some pages carelessly.
"If we're convicted," Tobi responded, sounding more mischievous than usual.
"And that's a big 'if'" Kisame agreed.
"We've never been caught other than confessing…" Zetsu said with a very pointed look at Sasori.
"If I hadn't told them I was the vandal, they would never have known how good an artist I was." Sasori defended.
"I hardly think a giant painting of crack baby puppets is art, un." Deidara criticized, as he believed art shouldn't last for eternity but for just a split second, thus, he has an explosion fetish. "I agree with Hidan, though, un."
"Fuck yeah!" Hidan whooped.
"I'm on board with the whole thieving idea." I raised my hand.
"You!" Hidan declared, pointing at me. "You are a good fucking person!"
Wow, he really enjoys people agreeing with him.
He's really hot, too.
Shush.
"Then let's do it," Sasori declared.
"Okay." Kisame agreed, smiling broadly at the prospect of becoming a robber.
"Then, perhaps, Itachi and I should break into the office and get his file so we know his address." Zetsu suggested, putting his book down on his bedside table, right next to Gertrude who's pot still read 'Save a Plant, Eat a Vegetarian'. It was kind of funny, because Zetsu really didn't eat any plants. Mainly just meat. He's an oddball…
Really hot oddball that's good at kissing.
Shut up already.
You know you want another kiss.
Shut the fuck up!
Nevers~
"Then the rest of us can take Tobi's car!" Tobi volunteered. "It has enough space for all of us!"
"But what do we do with the stuff?" Kisame wondered aloud.
"We turn it into art, un." Deidara decided, sliding a large box of gun powder out from under his bed and flicking his lighter absentmindedly.
"I guess I could appreciate your art just this once." Sasori responded jokingly.
"It's only eleven, so the school isn't locked down yet." Zetsu observed.
"Then let's go!" Kisame yelled.
We all changed into all black clothing quickly. I wanted to give them all war paint but they refused to let me near them with makeup. I'll get them in their sleep later.
Itachi and Zetsu, the smartest and therefore best computer hackers, headed off to the office to look up Orochimaru's file. They later called us with the address once they had it and we were all to pile into Tobi's car. Tobi brought his camera too, to film the little adventure just for fun.
Walking to Tobi's car, I am not sure what I really expected but definitely not what I got. I mean, this is Tobi. He should be riding around in a smart car or a mini cooper if not on a tricycle in a football helmet. He should not, however, be driving. And definitely not be driving a monster truck. No lie, this beast took up two spaces on its own and it looked a lot like the fricking Grave Digger (you should google that if you don't know what it means). The impact shocks on the bottom were a neon green and the body was black with misty green flames painted on it.
I froze, honestly, when I saw it. Then Tobi just has the balls to just stand there in all his eye-patched glory and say:
"Ah, the Tobi mobile."
"Are you okay, Sakura?" Sasori asked me, turning around to see why I had stopped so suddenly.
I slapped myself but the truck was still there. "Oh my God…" was all I could say.
Tobi turned around, looking heartbroken. "Does Sakura not like the Tobi mobile?"
I just started laughing. "I love you, Tobi." I managed to speak through giggles.
"Yay! You were right, Hidan, this monster truck is a chick magnet!" Tobi cheered, dancing around happily.
"When I said that, I was fucking kidding. I didn't actually think that you were such a fucking shit-for-brains that you would fucking go out and actually buy one." Hidan said, a little peeved I hadn't confessed my love to him.
"Tobi, you are so ridiculous." Kisame chortled, patting the hood of the monsterous vehicle. He was the only one of us that could actually reach the hood because the wheels were so big. Curse his tallness.
"Agreed, un." Deidara confirmed, ducking down only slightly to walk right under the truck to the other side.
"You think it's cool, don't you, Sakura?" Tobi asked.
"Way cool. I don't even think I can get in it, though, Tobi, it's so tall." I admitted, gauging the difference between my foot and the passenger door. I gauged it to be about seven oompaloompas before Kisame scooped me up, hopped easily on the ledge, opened the passenger door, and deposited me in the seat. He then took great pleasure in strapping me into the off road harness, hands lingering in certain places longer then strictly necessary.
Hidan slid in swiftly next to me, un buckled, and Tobi got in the driver's seat. "Er, Tobi, you do have your license, right?" I asked, this suddenly occurring to me as Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori clamored into the back seats.
"Yup, for a whole week!" Tobi announced, smiling from ear to ear.
Before I could run for my life, Tobi had pulled out of his spot, stun around, taken out a stop sign, and sped out of the parking lot blasting music from the stereo. Orochimaru's house was about a twenty minute drive from the school and when we got there it was empty.
We pulled around to the other side of the block so it wasn't so obvious we were there since Tobi's car was overly recognizable. When Tobi out the car in park, Hidan hopped right out as did all the other boys as I wiggled my way out of the off road harness. Once free, I looked over the ledge to Hidan waiting at the bottom. Glad I had opted for black form-fitting jeans instead of the kitty-costume skirt Sasori had been insisting on, I hopped down into Hidan's arms.
He caught me bridal style and held me there for a split-second before setting me on my feet. Finally, the weight of what we were planning settled in over my brain. My heart beat quicker in an enjoyable nervous way. My eyes felt wider and I felt more awake as the adrenaline took to my veins. I seized Hidan's hand, lacing out fingers loosely, and pulled him towards the others waiting for us at the corner.
Orochimaru's house looked large from the outside, we went around the side that the empty driveway was not on and looked in the back most window. It was his bedroom. Kisame opened it easily.
"The stupid bastard doesn't even lock his windows." He chortled.
"At least we won't have to cut a hole in the glass." Sasori smiled joyfully, giving me a completely innocent look.
I glared at him for the jab. Kisame climbed in the window first. He got stuck half-way through since he was so huge and the window was pretty small so the boys made Tobi push his butt through. Tobi cried throughout the process before also climbing in with his camera in hand, followed by Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan.
Sasori leaned back out of the window with an open phone in his hand. "Here," he said, holding out the phone for me to take. "You're on speaker with us. Go to the front of the house and keep watch."
I pouted, upset I wouldn't be part of the actual stealing part, but I took the phone anyway. I was about to stomp away, as I turned, but I turned back around and pecked Sasori on the cheek. "You better not get caught." I told him, genuinely worried.
Sasori touched his cheek unconsciously, smiling a bit. "That's why we're having you guard."
I rolled my eyes and tuned around to leave but a finger dug into my back pocket to hold me back. I turned around and saw Hidan holding me there. "Where the fuck is my good-luck kiss?" he asked angrily, hanging out the window where Sasori had just been.
I raised an eyebrow at him but backed up so I was near him. I knelt down and pecked him on the lips. He froze, having not expected it, and I skipped away happily to the front of the house to watch for Orochimaru.
About ten minutes later, a pair of headlights came swinging around the corner. I moved into the shadows on the side of Orochimaru's house only to see, in the light of a street lamp, that it was Orochimaru's car…
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
"Shit!" I cursed loudly.
"What's up?" Sasori asked through the receiver. He'd heard me curse.
"Voldy has returned! Get out now!" I yelled at them.
On the other end, Tobi squaked nervously and I heard him knock something over.
Orochimaru pulled into the driveway. He got out of his car and I heard the door slam. I turned the cell off speaker and pressed it to my ear.
There was a brief scuffle, a grunt, and then:
"Kisame, your fat fucking ass is stuck in the window!"
"Shut up!" I hissed.
Orochimaru's front door squeaked open, then slammed shut.
We're going have to distract Orochimaru long enough so that they can get out and we can get away.
I lunged toward the now closed front door. "Call me when you guys are out, I'll buy you some time." I instructed into the phone.
"He's coming into the room…" Tobi whispered.
A/N: I know, this is a mean place to stop. I'm sorry. Um, but not to fear, the next part is written down, I just have to type it up. So the break shouldn't be a long one. Unless there are no reviews… then I won't update.
