Hi, happy Thursday — or whatever day it is for you. It's that time again, that time when we must get ready for Odahviing and Gandalf to screw around and be dramatic. Here we go.
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Chapter Twelve — Odah the Magic Dragon
Odahviing liked to think he was popular. Sure, he was at the Dragonborn's beck and call...and Paarthurnax's...and Durnehviir's when he wanted to play Parcheesi or watch football or hangout or something.
Okay, so, he was like the servant of the Leaders of all the Dragons (they needed a better title) and the undead protector of the Soul Cairn. But so what? He got to go on awesome adventures...whenever Leara called on him. He'd flown her into Oblivion! He had helped her defeat that tentacle dragon weirdo — from the sky!
Although...it seemed what's his face might be back if the appearance of his serpentine dragon meant anything. But he was going to get back at Sahrotaar for kidnapping HIS elf! The servant will bow to the hunter!
As he plotted Sahrotaar's second (third?) demise, Odahviing swooped low over the sloping peaks of the Misty Mountains, searching for the glinting grey hide of his recently returned nemesis. Of course (and he didn't know it) Sahrotaar had already deposited his Leara in the cavern and had proceeded to crawl into the adjoining cave complex for a nap, making it impossible for Odahviing to see either of them. The great red Dovah huffed and puffed before doubling back to the...whatever the space between the mountains and the not so secret hidden shiny place was called. As he flew low over the ground, sniffing in distaste at the amount of bunny tracks left by Radagast VII 'the Brown', he spied in the distance Gandalf the Grey, some blonde elf chic, Agent Smith, and Count Dumbledore, or was it Professor Dracula van Dooku? Wizards were quite confusing with their weird little names.
The four appeared to be arguing, though about what, Odahviing was not sure.
Naturally, he had to butt his large horned head in.
"Remove them and Dr. Watson from Middle-earth! They don't belong here!" Count Dumbledore raged.
"I don't know," the blonde lady sighed in a disturbing dreamy manner. "Her tall blond friend is so..."
"What would Celeborn say?" queried Agent Smith.
"Shut up Elrond!"
"You are all missing the point! Leara Rose-blade is a brilliant individual who can — oh."
It was then that the four noticed Odahviing.
"You're eavesdropping," Albus the White pointed out the blatant truth.
"Is it really eavesdropping when the four of you are standing in the middle of a field where everyone and their grandpa can hear, see, and, dare I say, smell you?" Odahviing questioned, raising one of his boney eyebrows.
"He has a point," mused Elrond.
"Shut up Elrond!" Then the blonde chic hit Elrond on the back of his head.
"Ow! Woman! That's CHILD abuse!" Elrond shrieked, hopping away from her. "What would Celeborn say, Galadriel? What would CELEBRÍAN say?!"
"How is that child abuse?" the irate Galadriel demanded.
"You're like...over a thousand or something years older than me!" pointed out Elrond from behind Professor Dooku, who looked bored to the point of tears with...everything.
It's obvious that with his identity confusion, Saruman probably needs therapy. He and the Great Goblin could probably help pay for joint group sessions in the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith.
Galadriel then proceeded to chase Elrond around Saruman, who let out a weary sigh over their childish antics. Both Gandalf and Odahviing watched these strange and not very elf like actions for a few minutes before the wizard turned to the dragon.
"Can we fly out of here?" Gandalf asked.
"Certainly," agreed Odahviing.
By the time the irate elf queen, the bored Istar, and the self proclaimed to be abused Elrond realized that Gandalf and the larger elder sibling of Smaug from another world were gone, it was too late to stop them. They stood there in a lopsided little row watching the pair fly back toward the Misty Mountains. When they disappeared from sight, Galadriel turned to her two fellow members of the White Council. "Do you guys want to go watch movies and criticize Cate Blanchett's bad acting?"
Saruman shook his head, "I have to go to therapy. My psychologist says I really need to start reaching out to my old family." What he means when he says this is that he's talking about meeting up with Mairon, who is also Sauron, and with Aulë, who is also Mahal, Thorin and Co.'s technical ancestral great granddaddy. That family reunion could go many ways.
"I'm probably going to need therapy," whimpered Elrond, thinking of his poor ruined garden and the disarray of his entire valley.
"Suck it up, buttercup," Galadriel sniffed before turning on her heel and ditching the pair.
Neither Odahviing nor Gandalf were privy to this conversation as they attempted to fly in a majestical fashion off into the sunset.
Except, of course, that it was the middle of the day and they were heading east.
Anyway, they thought the image of an old wise wizard on the back of an ancient dragon would look majestic; so the Narrator, who must give her begrudging agreement, will roll with that.
"Where'd Miss Rose-blade, Mr. Baggins, Mr. Stormcloak, and the Company of Thorin Oakenshield get off to, anyway?" Gandalf asked after a while of puffing at his pipe from where he sat on Odahviing's back.
If Odahviing could shrug, he would have. As it was, he scowled his best Dovah scowl. "The dragon of Leara's sworn enemy, Miraak the First Dragonborn, appeared and took her. I did not stay with the Company to discover what they were doing, nor did I manage to locate Leara Rose-blade and Sahrotaar."
Gandalf gave one of Odahviing's large spikes a comforting pat.
"What do you propose we do, then?" the grey wizard asked after several quiet moments of staring at the passing landscape.
Odahviing was silent for several more minutes before sighing. "I shall have to tear apart space and time to reach her, then."
"That sounds—"
With a mighty roar, Odahviing opened a large swirling portal in the air and dived through it. Gandalf let out a shrill girlish scream when the red dragon did this, not even getting the word 'fascinating' out of his mouth.
They burst out into an uncharacteristically ultra hyper blue sky.
"I'm not sure that this is it," Odahviing mumbled, ignoring or not noticing Gandalf attached to one of his spikes as of it were a security blanket.
Far below...
"What do you want to do today Ferb?" the green haired guy pointed up. "Woah! Hey! Candace! There's a dragon in the sky!"
Inside...
"Uh huh, yeah, totally Stacy. A dragon? Phineas and Ferb? A screaming old guy? I don't..." Candace looked out the window. "I'll call you back Stacy." She snapped her phone shut. "MOM! PHINEAS AND FERB UNLEASHED A GIANT RED DRAGON!"
"That's nice honey!"
Up in the air...
"Nope, definitely not the right place," Odahviing huffed in agitation before roaring again and shooting forward through the new portal...
...and out into outter space.
On the dragon's back, Gandalf started turning blue. Odahviing, on the other hand, seemed quite unaffected by the lack of an oxygen enriched atmosphere. He started observing the giant space battle going on before them.
Two Delta-7 Jedi Starfighters, one red and the other yellow, flew passed them. Yellow was chasing the droid tri-fighters while red, in turn, was the one being chased.
"This isn't it either..." rumbled Odahviing before opening yet another portal; this one formed near a large Republic cruiser.
Several explosions went off as he flew through the portal. On the other side, Gandalf popped back up, gasping for air and making an uncanny impression of a Hoover. Although, Arda and Nirn don't have Hoovers, the place that they showed up in, well...
Odahviing screeched to a halt in midair as a giant spaceship hurtled into a humongous clock tower and flipped over into a river. All around were buildings made of—
A large spaceship destroyed Big Ben, crashed into the Themes, caused mass panic in London (and the world), and had a pig in a pilot suit.
It was the beginning of World War III.
The dragon and the wizard stared at the strange carnage that spiraled out below them. "This is also not it," Odahviing puffed.
He roared. The portal opened. They went through. Again and again and again and again...
Then they burst out into a large cavern and...barreled into the stone wall.
"Ow, my head," the dragon moaned, rubbing at it with his foreleg.
Gandalf didn't speak; instead, he slumped over and groaned, looking quite green in face.
After several minutes of moaning, groaning, oh's and ow's, Odahviing's head perked up. He sniffed at the air — loudly — several times before he clawed his way to his...claws once more.
"What?" whined Gandalf, who still felt somewhat ill after their flight through the multiverse.
"I smell Leara!" Odahviing cried in excitement before taking off down a side tunnel in the cavern they were in (trampling Leara's dust pictures in the process when he scrambled across the floor). He forced his way through the entrance, enlarging the tunnel with dramatical ease, as Gandalf let out a symphony of girlish screaming on his back.
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So Odahviing accidentally dragged Gandalf into Phineas and Ferb, Doctor Who (S01E05), and Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith. Fun times. Well, at least they missed out on Galadriel being mean to herself, er, Cate Blanchett. I guess Galadriel is just jealous of...herself, Cate Blanchett. Elves are odd.
Join us next time when Leara disses the 80s theme and things get shouty.
