AN: Hello peoples! We are back and up and running! Elm had a bit of a meltdown in the last chappie. Don't worry though, I've calmed her down so that she won't jump through your computer screen and kill you. She's been known to do that. So read at your own risk. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I was dead serious about that bit up there. And I don't own anything. At all. Sob. Oh! And I have absolutely nothing against Bea Arthur. I just thought this'd be funny. You'll know what I'm talking about later.
Nuking the Fourth Wall
Well, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe told me to tone it down a bit and threatened that if I don't she'll send me to therapy for anger management. I don't have anger management issues! I'M A PERFECTLY CALM PERSON!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Ahem… But what she says goes, so I must obey. At least, until I find a way to completely obliterate the fourth wall.
Anywhos, I was still in "annoy Jack in order to exact my revenge" mode. On the way back to the shop I babbled on about a number of pointless subjects and occasionally threw in a few made-up words for good measure.
When we got back, Mrs. Lovett went right back to cooking pies and Jack and I went up to his shop. Once we were up there and the door was closed, he turned and opened his mouth to yell at me. Sadly, he didn't get the chance, because at that moment my cell phone rang. Yes I have a cell phone! Didn't I tell you that one of my favorite centuries was the 21st? And, being me, I had the most annoying ring tone. Now, Jack wouldn't fully understand what this was for a few centuries, but I had it anyway.
I could tell that he was only mildly surprised. He was used to strange things happening around me.
"Hold that very loud thought of yours." I said, holding up one finger. I looked at the caller ID, and smiled. It was one of my best friends! I picked it up.
"Hey! I haven't heard from you in forever! Well, besides texting, of course. Yeah, I know I'm funny." I walked over and sat on the barber chair and talked. And talked and talked and talked. Jack walked over to the wall, and began to bash his head against it.
Yes, it was one of those days. All day. At about midnight, Jack tried to take the phone away from me. I saw this coming and held it out of his reach.
"Don't make me strike you with lightning again!" I said. He nervously touched the white streak in his hair, and then went downstairs to get a drink. I laughed.
"Sorry. Yeah, that was him. Yeah, he just left. Thanks for helping me annoy him. You're the best! Oh, you're so sweet!" and blah, blah, blah. For hours and hours and hours.
We stopped talking by the next day, since I had other things to do. When Jack woke up he found me talking into the mirror (not the broken one). He looked over my shoulder and saw some of my more sinister friends. You already know about them. They were the group that bet against Jack being able to sing. Well, there was one more. Black and red spandex, arsenal of weapons strapped to him, breaker of the fourth wall. I'm not going to tell you who, I'm going to make you guess.
We were sharing stories about the evil deeds we had been doing over the past week and laughing at the poor, unfortunate souls who had the misfortune or were stupid enough to get in the way. Jack joined in by retelling the story of his murder of Pirelli.
"Your first time in cold blood. Congratulations!" said the Joker, laughing. Most of them were, some of them were giving him a thumbs-up. The Headless Horseman even managed to laugh his head off. Literally!
"Lovett alert! Everybody shush!" I said when I heard her coming up the stairs. Jack went over to the window and pretended to brood.
"Brought you some breakfast, dear." she said, walking in with a tray. She never saw us. I'm way too awesome for some mere mortal to be able to do that! But even if I hadn't turned us invisible, she probably wouldn't see us. She was far too busy with Jack to ever notice us. Ah, love! So beautiful! So wonderful! So… just so… awwwww! Gooey attitude, over. Sorry.
"Mr. T? Can I ask you something?" Mrs. Lovett asked him. We all leaned forward, the guys out of the mirror.
"What?" he answered, still not looking at her.
"What did your Lucy look like?"
"Oh, like that's such a hard question to answer." I said. The guys laughed. Jadk stayed silent because we were being annoying. Mrs. Lovett again got the wrong idea from Jack's actions.
"Can't really remember, can you?" she asked.
"She had yellow hair." Jack said. It was all he could think of to say. He knew Lovett was making a move on him. Our friend in the red and black spandex, however, took my hair in his hands, scrutinized it, and then took a deep whiff.
"I'd say it was more golden blond." he said, messing with me.
"Get off, you perv." I said.
"You want to see how much of a perv I can be?" he said, putting his arm around my shoulder and wiggling his eyebrows under the mask. I shot him through the head. The guys looked down at him.
"You really shouldn't screw with this one, man." said Beetlejuice.
"Yeah, she can be even more sadistic than me sometimes." said the Joker. They all looked back to Jack and Mrs. Lovett's conversation.
"You've got to put this all behind you now. She's gone." Mrs. Lovett said.
"No, I'm not!" I said happily. The guys laughed again.
"Life is for the alive, my dear. We could have a life, us two. Maybe not like I dreamed, maybe not like you remember. But we could get by." she said. Jack turned around.
"Popcorn?" I asked, watching intently. They all took some, watching just as intently as me. Well, except for the perv. He was still on the ground.
"Mr. Todd! Mrs. Lovett, ma'am!" called Dumbass as he ran through the door. Everybody groaned.
"Oh, come on, Dumbass!" I yelled, throwing down the popcorn. "Sorry guys." They all mumbled in disappointment, leaned back into the mirror, and vanished.
"What is it, Anthony?" asked Jack. He was also extremely annoyed, but he didn't show it.
"He has her locked in a madhouse." stated Dumbass.
"Johanna?" Jack asked, suddenly interested. He must've had some kind of bond with the girl.
"Fogg's Asylum. I've circled the place a dozen times. There's no way in. It's a fortress!" said Dumbass. Jack walked over, there was a plan formulating in his head. I could see it.
"I've got him." said Jack. I smiled. He was taking a genuine interest in this joke. Or maybe it was something else.
"Mr. Todd?" asked Dumbass, being a dumb ass.
"We've got her." Jack corrected himself. "Where do you suppose all the wigmakers in London go to obtain their hair?" Dumbass looked at him like he was insane. Which he was, but, you know. "Bedlam. They get it from the lunatics at Bedlam."
"I don't understand." said Dumbass dumbassly.
Must I explain everything to this boy? Jack thought, and then said, "We shall set you up as a wigmaker's apprentice. That will gain you access, and then you take her!" Dumbass smiled, understanding. Finally. Jack ushered him out. He turned to Mrs. Lovett.
"Fetch the boy." he ordered.
"Don't you think you should leave the boy alone?" she said in a worried tone. Jack glared back at her, and she left to get Toby aka Liam. He didn't like to scare her away like that, but, as he told me soon after she left as I was looking at him smugly: "It's only to get the joke moving along."
"What? Why? Aren't you having fun?" I asked.
"Look, I know this is great for you, but I would enjoy it a whole lot more if I could tell Nellie everything." he said.
"You're not gonna…" I started, but Jack cut me off.
"Yes. I'm going to tell her everything once this is over."
"Slow down! You've been blinded by love! You can't do that!"
"You know what's funny? You and your buddies seemed real anxious for us to get on with our relationship back there, but now you're scolding me for having it!"
"I did that because the readers think it's funny!"
"I don't care if the… wait, what?"
"You know, the readers of this fan fiction." said the guy I shot. "You got lucky! Hey, do you think I could co-narrate?" Look! Chimichanga! "Where!?" I pushed him into the mirror. "Curse the author and her Johnny Depp obsession!" (A/N: Shut up! It's perfectly normal!) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. "Yeah, seriously. I mean, he's a good actor and all, but writing a crossover fan fiction about him?" (A/N: Hey! I'm the author! I could castrate you!) "I'm out!" Wimp. "Bitch." Bea Arthur lover. "Don't you dare say a single word against that wonderful woman!" (A/N: Shut up both of you or I'll sell you to Disney!) ………… "Yeah, too late for that, chicka." (A/N: Fine. I was going to let you roam free in DC, but if you're gonna be like that…) "I won't be like that! I'm sorry!" Leave. You'll have a better chance. "Right!" He vanished.
"Okay, let me explain." I said to Jack.
"You know what, I don't even want to know." he said taking a step back.
"Okay. Whatevs." I said. I stood up. He sidestepped me, sat down, gave me one more odd look, and began to write a letter to Turpin.
A/N: Well that was fun. Although I hate it when my characters just won't listen and I have to threaten them. *sigh* Guess what I'm going to ask you to do! I want you to figure out who the dude is who is breaking the fourth wall!
MysteryGuest: Bet you can't do it!
Get out of the A/N! You don't belong here!
MysteryGuest: Looks like this A/N ain't big enough for the two of us!
*Western stand-off music plays* I'll be back. Little tied up. *starts shooting*
