Schadenfreude
"What Happens in Vegas..."
Characters: Alfons Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph (mentioned), Edward Elric, Winry Rockbell, Maes Hughes, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Kain Fuery, Sheska, Izumi Curtis, Sig Curtis (mentioned), Elysia Hughes (mentioned), Selim Bradley (mentioned)
Pairings: Edward/Winry, Roy/Riza, Alfons/Wilhelmine, implied/mentioned Alphonse/Mei, implied Fuery/Sheska, implied one-sided Selim/Elysia, mentioned Izumi/Sig.
Chapter Rating: T+
Word Count: 978


"Las Vegas?" Ed asked blankly. "Why would I spend spring break in Vegas?"

"You're twenty-one, if that's what you're worried about," Havoc said.

"It's not. I was just planning on going to Dublith with Al and Winry to visit Mas – Izumi Curtis."

"You can still go to Dublith. We'll only be in Vegas for five days; you have four to do whatever you want."

Edward looked doubtful. "I don't think you've ever met my old teacher."

"She can't be any worse than Major General Armstrong," Fuery ventured.

"She is," Edward assured him, "trust me."

-x-x-x-

"Master Izumi?" Edward spoke timidly into the phone.

"Edward? What prompted you to call?"

"My co-workers are dragging Winry and I to Las Vegas for spring break – no arguments allowed. I can visit the weekend before school starts… I mean, Al's still going to stay for his entire break, but…" Edward winced, preparing himself for a verbal assault.

…But it never came. "Have fun," Izumi said.

-x-x-x-

"Are you sure that you want to do this, Ed?" Winry asked, looking at her boyfriend (fiancé?) somewhat anxiously.

"Yeah," Edward replied, looking just as anxious as she was.

The organ in the other room began playing again, and the couple that had been getting married stumbled out of the room.

Edward and Winry exchanged looks.

"Oh my god..."

Roy and Riza didn't seem to notice them as they stumbled out of the chapel, clearly very, very drunk.

Seconds later, Kain and Sheska ran into the chapel.

"Oh my god."

Luckily, Kain and Sheska didn't seem to notice Edward and Winry. Until, that is, they ran out of the chapel.

"Oh, hey, Ed, Winry!" Kain exclaimed, walking over to them.

"Did we miss it?" Sheska asked.

"Miss what?" Edward asked, clueless.

"The wedding. Roy and Riza."

"They called us to say that they were getting married," Sheska clarified. "Isn't that why you two are here?"

"Of course!" Ed exclaimed, seemingly happy for the perfect excuse for his and Winry's rash behaviour.

"Why else would we be here?" Winry added.

Kain and Sheska exchanged glances. "Well?"

"What?"

"What happened? Did we miss it?"

"Uh... we, actually, missed it," Ed answered.

"I can't believe they got married..." Sheska mused.

"I didn't even know that they were dating," Kain added.

"I don't think that they're dating... so much as they're two bottles of vodka walking around in human form."

"That man is dead sexy in a miniskirt," the clerk sighed.

"HYDROGEN, HELIUM, LITHIUM, BERYLLIUM –"

-x-x-x-

"Oh, God, what happened last night?" Riza muttered. One thing was sure: she had a killer hangover. An arm was wrapped around her, which wasn't very shocking considering what usually happened when she got drunk.

Though for the first time in a long time, she hoped fervently that it was indeed Roy in bed with her – at least she knew him. A glance over her shoulder confirmed her hopes, though the man in question was still asleep. She didn't wake him, and instead focused her thoughts on getting out of bed without disturbing him.

-x-x-x-

"Congratulations Professor Bastard."

Roy examined Ed hazily. "What? Congratulations on what?"

"Getting married."

Ed had a smirk to rival Roy's trademark, and Roy and Riza exchanged glances.

"What?"

"You invited us all to watch," Sheska added.

Neither Roy nor Riza had time to verbalise anything, as Maes Hughes sat down at the table.

"Congratulations, Roy! I guess you're finally grown up now, huh?"

"What?"

"You and Riza got married last night, didn't you?"

"Apparently."

"Well congratulations! I'm glad that you finally got married. You're thirty-five, it's about time! Now. To the important matters: when can I expect to be a godfather?"

Edward began laughing uncontrollably, while Roy and Riza stared blankly at Maes.

Havoc rolled his eyes. "Who said you'd be the godfather, anyway, Hughes?"

-x-x-x-

In retrospect, Alphonse thought, this probably wasn't a good idea. Not that he could have told Izumi Curtis no – no one could tell Izumi Curtis no. He was sure that it was written somewhere in the fundamental laws of the universe – do not cross Izumi Curtis or tell her no in any way, shape, or form.

Even so… he wasn't sure that he could put up with Alfons and Wilhelmine being so… couple-y much longer. Sure, okay, Izumi and Sig were probably worse, and he had Mei, who had decided to come with him for spring break. That didn't mean that Alphonse wanted to see his best friend sucking face the whole week. When Alfons wasn't with Wil, he was grinning like an idiot and talking about her incessantly – though, Alphonse reminded himself, this probably came with the territory of having a newlywed friend. (Even if it had been three months since their wedding…)

To make matters worse, somehow Alphonse and Alfons had been given the task of baby-sitting Elysia Hughes and Selim Bradley, respectively, for five days while their parents were in Vegas. (Oh god, what were Ed and Winry getting up to?)

Elysia wasn't hard to handle. She was cheerful and friendly, and always willing to help out. Selim, on the other hand, was quiet and stand-offish – and would only speak to Alfons and Elysia, and even then, only in (perfect) German. There was something wrong with that kid, Alphonse was sure.

"…Hey, Al?"

"Hm?" Alphonse replied, looking up to see Alfons standing nearby (without his wife, for a change).

"Do you have any idea how I could convince Wil that having sex on the beach is a bad idea?"

That was way too much information. Alphonse sighed before remembering something he'd learnt in his childhood here. "It's illegal here once the season starts, which it has. Just tell her that."

"I will, thanks."

"Don't mention it." Really.

"…Al?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know that?"

Alphonse sighed. "It's really better not to ask. Just don't mention it to Master Izumi."


Note: And this is the V-Day chapter~! Vegas, but of course. The whole Royai wedding was completely inspired by Friends - The One in Vegas and the One After Vegas - and some lines have been borrowed. We mean no infringement, as we are not the WB or... whoever else may own the rights to Friends. Also, chapters up to eighteen are written, so expect them (hopefully) biweekly. Hopefully.