New A/N: The original title to this chapter was "The Art of Composing and Staying Composed." Now I changed it to "All Composure."

It was mostly because the previous title is stupid and long.


Chapter Twelve: All Composure

Nagisa dreamt once more, and surprisingly enough, it had nothing to do with Mikaze. She supposed that was a good thing— a real treat, even. If only it didn't make her feel worse.

It was a memory, quite distorted at that, but the feelings then were vividly brought back to life. Those feelings were her biggest fear. The feeling of utter lowness and shame, at the rock bottom, looking up to bleak skies through the tiny hole at something she unintentionally dug herself in.

Hirari touched her head, feeling not a single hair. The place above her eyes, where her eyebrows should've been. Her eyes itself, with not a single lash.

I'm ugly, she initially thought, echoing for Nagisa to hear. She couldn't turn her thoughts off. This dream made her feel more crappy than ever.

She felt her tears, hot and foreign down her cheeks. Hirari took the hat given as a gift from her grandmother and yanked it on her head.

It'll all grow back, she told herself in silence. She rubbed her arms, shrinking into a curled ball on her hospital bed, feeling the air vent blast freezing winds that chilled her core, thinking for a moment that it might make her feel better that she was hairless on her arms and legs... but she only felt miserable.

Nanami Haruka, with full ginger locks and beautifully-long lashes, visited her the next day. Hirari was ashamed and angry at her presence, and refused to see Haruka again for the next month. Her eyes had completely lost its vigor and life, and she hid her resentment towards her sister, because deep down, she knew she still loved her deeply.

For the time being, she remembered meeting two people, and it was completely on accident.

Hirari first met Kurusu Kaoru.

He came into her hospital room with flowers, noticed her, and apologized at switching up the room numbers. Seeing her with her lifeless eyes and dull skin, forcing a smile out of manners and saying, "It's fine. That room's across from me," Kaoru walked up to her and gave her the flowers instead. Syo probably didn't want something as "girly" as flowers anyway, according to him.

He probably had forgotten her now.

The second became the youngest member of HEAVENS: Mikado Nagi.

When the doctors and specialists concluded that Hirari needed more human interaction due to her staying in the hospital for months, they took her to a socializing room at the daily. Hirari detested it with her very being. The people there either looked at peace or distressed, two extremes Hirari couldn't handle.

What they all had in common was ignorance. She found it inane to gather around and feel bad about each other, or believe that their condition was worse than the others'. It wasn't a competition, nor was it something to be proud of.

"You look like the devil, lady."

Hirari flicked her eyes at Nagi's direction. He was small and undeniably adorable, his face the only thing she'd accept seeing for the moment.

She smiled. "Sorry about that. I can't change my past though. It'll follow me for the rest of my life, and shape who I am forevermore."

"You have a buzzcut."

Any amusement Hirari had slipped from her face.

"I had chemotherapy, kid."

He blinked. "Chemist therapy? Huh?"

Hirari knew he wouldn't understand at his age, so she took a deep breath and gently told the boy, "I had cancer."

For the next three days, the two talked. The only reason Nagi was there was because he cracked a bone in his arm. He could've been released earlier, but he tried to complain as much as he could to be with Hirari, for there was this fondness the two built around each other.

Eventually, though, he did have to leave. The injury wasn't that severe.

"You can always visit me, silly."

Nagi was in prideful tears. Hirari wished she could shed even one, but the waterworks were desert dry. Her bones ached. The sensation felt like it was more worth it to die than live like this.

"II can't... I'm too busy!"

"Busy with what? You're what, ten?"

"I'm busy with singing classes," he wailed. "I want to become an idol, miss!"

She liked how he never asked for her name, because he was smart enough to realize that he might never see her again anyways, so it'd only hurt more to know it. The less he knew, the easier it was to forget.

Hirari leaned forward and patted his head. His salmon locks were soft and baby-like, with a silkiness she vowed to maintain if her hair grew back.

"Then be an idol. Go out there now, because you can. Silly."

She didn't know his name either. It was just "silly."

Nagi knew that. So he sniffed, wiped his tears, and said firmly, "Don't forget me, you hear me? My name will be on television one day, and it will be Mikado Nagi."

"I better see you on television living your dream, Mikado-san," she teased. Nagi gasped.

"Your eyes!"

"Huh?" Hirari was startled.

"They're so full of life. It's beautiful! How come I've never seen it like this?"

She couldn't answer. The boy had to leave, unanswered.

Flash-forward in her dream, Hirari relived the moments. She outgrew Haruka's hair, wanted to differentiate herself from her and dyed her hair silver, and set up a careful hair routine; she received mixing programs and synthesizers for her laptop to play with on the hospital bed, and would often stay up all night talking to herself.

She taught herself how to braid throughout her early adolescent years, asking her nurse if she could die, taking antidepressants, forgetting what love meant, living under the nurse's care in her home, playing the piano like it was her only friend, ignoring her parent's phone calls, and talking to her grandmother about music.

Hirari mixed blue dye while getting a call from Saotome, asking why she wasn't affected by the UtaPri Awards. She coughed blood into her hand and forced herself to swallow it down with a pill.

Just swallowing hurt. When she came and was prompted to sing before the most influential producer of the Japanese music industry… with those knowing, knowing eyes…

Shining Saotome's eyes blinded her, and she fell on her knees. He grinned maliciously, and said:

"You're a living, lying carcass."


She woke up in a hot flash, panting and gripping the sweat-stained sheets. Nagisa noticed a small light was on, and Cecil was sitting on his bed, violently startled, nearly dropping the glass of water in his hands.

"Oh," he managed, looking back and forth from his glass and Nagisa. "Sorry, did I wake you Miss Nagisa?"

Right. My name is Nagisa. She grasped at her blonde locks, damp and disgusting to her, as she shook her head and rasped, "No, it was just— cough, excuse me— just a dream."

"What was it about?" he asked, curious as ever. Nagisa didn't want to kill him, the cat he was.

"My past."

"Oh... is it a sad past?"

She laughed airily. "Why do you think that?"

"You're sweating."

Nagisa touched her forehead, and found that he was right. Cecil blinked and watched her make sense of her surroundings, and for a moment, she appeared to be lost.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She regulated her breathing before responding, "I'm fine. It was just a surprise. I never really dream about my past, see."

Cecil moved over and sat beside her. He observed her without trying to hide it, tilting his head to see her face. Nagisa had already mastered expression concealment and masked a lively smile. "I'm okay, Cesshil-kun."

He nodded, finding the nickname for him a sign of her normalcy. "If you say so. But, just so you know—" he leaned forward to pat her shoulder, "— we're here for you. Think of us like... your family."

Unprepared for those words, she let her guard down and looked afraid. Cecil thought he struck a chord too deeply and quickly tried to justify himself, but she shushed him when Camus stirred in his sleep.

"Thank you," Nagisa whispered.


The dream made her remember the two. Was that actually fate? Was God that mind-blowing? Or was she subconsciously doing this to herself?

Nagisa nervously sat before her laptop. The video call picked up, and three faces popped on the screen.

"Hello!" she greeted, lifting herself up to be the cheerful persona she created, hiding every single trace of her true colours.

"Hm..." Ootori Eiichi peered over a piece of paper he held, then back and forth. He pushed his glasses and said, "You're not Hirano Aoi, are you?"

"Nope."

"Then state who you are and what your purpose is."

"My name is Kido Nagisa," she said in belated introduction, realizing seconds after she instinctively let out a "nope" that they weren't looking for Nagisa, but for Aoi.

Give me a second boys. I need to kill myself.

"I'm, err, filling in for her!"

"What an unpromising joy," Eiichi muttered, while Sumeragi Kira silently read the fine details on the paper over his shoulder.

Nagisa stiffly smiled, irked at his mere face. That expression displayed the ungratefulness and suspicion she anticipated, but she was here for one of them. But, to say the least in understanding their irritation, these plans were recent and HEAVENS wasn't informed of it.

Clearing her voice, she asserted, "I'm just as good as she is when it comes to the music business. In fact, when it comes to your style, I think I'm a good matchup with you three. While Aoi-chan is well-versed in synthesizers and pop, I've had much more experience than her. She deals more with acoustics and classical training, while I was less traditional and more spontaneous, which can certainly give you guys some leverage in producing something new and exciting."

"Where is she?" Nagi asked, his face zooming closer to the camera. Nagisa felt like her ramble was being thrown aside like the trash she was.

"Aoi-chan?" inquired she, gritting her teeth.

"Yeah."

"She's, well, on break..."

Eiichi scoffed, "Already? What kind of music corporation does something as inane as that?" Before Nagisa could react, he continued, "I prefer you much more now, but whatever. Enough talk about this and let's begin with the arranging. I 'pray' you don't slack off."

Was that supposed to be a lame HEAVENS joke.

Grudgingly, Nagisa shared with them a few ideas and rhythms they could begin with. HEAVENS tried not to show it, but they were impressed with her visions for them, and found that she actually considered them seriously. Nagi, in particular, stared into her eyes and focused on her voice, wondering why they were oddly comforting.

At some point, Eiichi turned to Nagi, "You're strangely quiet today."

Nagi blinked, and shook his head vigorously, as if to dispel any unnecessary thoughts. "I was just wondering something."

"What is it?" Nagisa spoke. A tormenting part of her thought he'd ask if they've met before, to which she'd be rendered mute. She seriously considered that if he spouted out anything unrelated to the question she feared he'd ask, she'd break anyway.

"Nagisa and Nagi-san sound very similar, so we should be professional and call each other "Kido" and "Mikado"—"

"God d*mmit you silly boy—" Nagisa slapped a hand over her mouth, inwardly mortified. She should stop being right.

The two locked eyes for an entire minute, which felt like hours. Nagi, a sharp boy under his innocent appearance, seemed to notice something off, but could not figure it out. Nagisa felt relentlessly paranoid, and smiled crookedly.

"Sorry about that," she apologized, laughing shrilly. Eiichi was miffed and called for a break. Kira silently turned to watch Eiichi walk away from the camera and out of the room, then looked at Nagi.

The young boy was lost in thought; "silly" triggered a very vague memory of a girl in a hospital. As far as he remembered, no one called him silly. It did not suit him (which was the only thing that allowed him to remember the hospitalized girl), and yet, "first time" meeting and she called him that in a matter of an hour.

The coincidence was very much impossible, however. At least, to him it was. That girl looked like she was put on the death row, from what he remembered of her, and she was not blonde with those steely blue eyes. But that girl from the hospital somehow felt like the girl on the other side of the screen, personality a complete 180, with a sliver of anxiety he didn't understand the reason of.

"Can I meet up with you for something regarding... Hirano Aoi-chan?" Nagi asked, startling Nagisa. That question was the last thing she expected. It was also the last thing Kira expected.

"Um— sure! Okay. I'm free tomorrow and this weekend," she replied in an almost automatic way. Nagi grinned, trying to hide his ulterior motives.

"Great! I'll see you in two weeks then!"

Nagisa twitched. "Umm— what?"

"You'll still be there?"

"Er, Aoi-chan might be back then. I don't know... I just know that I haven't scheduled myself that far."

"Good! Then you can open up space easier for that. I just did you a favor. You should be thankful."

His childishness was annoying for how endearing it looked to Nagisa. It was incomprehensible, as she giggled, "Thank you, oh great Nagi-sa-n!"

Nagi remained smiling. Kira saw right though him. Nagi caught onto something, and Kira wondered if he should've known about it.


It was five in the morning. Nagisa could only find herself in the first two stages of sleep, which caused her to toss and turn and awake to any form of sound or light. She listened to Mikaze's breathing behind her, slow and steady, pretending to sleep. She could imagine his eyes wide open, his body switching to lower energy-consuming levels, just thinking quietly to himself.

They hadn't talked since that day— at least, anything that wasn't relevant to work. It was more agonizing than she'd hoped, which meant that she couldn't deny she developed an attachment to him. The whole idea of feeling an emotion that was stripped bare from her was absurd. And yet, Nagisa couldn't deny that feeling.

She wouldn't call the shots yet, however; she couldn't bring herself to make careless moves when it came down to whether she reciprocated Mikaze's "feelings" or not.

Syo and Natsuki were oddly silent in their side of the room. For a couple of days, they made side comments about how off Mikaze and Nagisa were being, though the other two sharp minds made it quick to readjust their actions to seem normal. They were still suspicious still.

She found herself in the music room, still in her nightwear, humming a tune. Sitting down, her fingers grazed the piano kays in a tranquil melody, and her voice was comfortable enough to break out on its own.

"Yuki ga, marude…"

Nagisa didn't think she could forget the lyrics Mikaze put in her song. Each word was simply beautiful.

It had been quite the number of months, and it was already fall. Nagisa was Hirano Aoi for four months, and she came in for about three. Her meeting with Nagi was rather uneventful, as he wasn't detective-like enough to figure out who she really was, but the two did grow a familiar relationship with each other that felt almost like a healthy sibling rivalry they couldn't develop with Hospitalized-Hirari.

November's leaves floated down from outside. It felt so strange to look out at the window, the skies tinted a foggy orange-pink, the leaves brown and red; it felt like only days since she saw cherryblossoms and rich green leaves on the sturdy bark of the trees.

She stood to walk over to the table on the other side of the room. Taking empty music sheets and a pencil, Nagisa created four compositions that morning and shared them with Haruka, smiling the entire time. Less than half of them were real.


Nagisa was in the music room when there came a knock on the door and an unceremonious entrance. She stood up and bowed out of traditions and customs, greeting Mikado Nagi… along with the rest of the dang group.

"No one saw you guys come in?" she giggled. "I'm surprised at how quiet this building is."

The group just shrugged it off. Nagisa let out a noise that barely registered as discomfort.

"Who are the other four?" she had to ask, even though she wasn't interested in the slightest.

One of them chuckled. "Who are we?" he echoed, running a hand through his slick brown hair. His very actions reminded her of Ren.

"They're the missing piece to HEAVENS, duh!" Nagi exclaimed, already exasperated by Nagisa's slowness. She clicked her tongue.

"Well, excuse me for not knowing this. You guys haven't even debuted," she said sarcastically, and froze. This wasn't like Nagisa. This was like… her true self's natural reaction towards Nagi. She shivered at this. She clearly reacted and resurfaced because of him, and that moment was not an appropriate time to deal with it.

"She's awfully salty for a little girl," the blonde one remarked. Nagisa took no heed of this, deciding that it was better to ignore the faintly puzzled looks of the original three members.

She had to ask for their names, and found the coincidence of their band's acronym. They were practically copying STARISH, but she bit her tongue back from commenting.

The "H" in HEAVENS was Hyuga Yamato— the tall, the blonde, and the annoying one. Nagisa noted that he was Hyuga Ryuya's younger brother, and wondered how he found himself in a rivaling industry rather than the same one. She could already feel the headache she'd have with his strong-willingness; it reminded her slightly of Kurusu Syo, which she could parallel to the "S" in STARISH.

Well… that couldn't be a coincidence, right…

The "E" in HEAVENS was Ootori Eiji, the younger and humbler brother of Eiichi. His hair wasn't gelled up in Eiichi-like spikes, and his eyes were a warmer purple than his brother's, which gave Nagisa a decent impression. He seemed to be very tolerable and easygoing if it weren't for his anxious look and his apology in his mere introduction.

Nagisa sighed like the day was never going to end. He wasn't very similar to the "T" in STARISH, from what she could tell, at least.

The "A" was the star in HE*VENS (like Aijima Cecil in ST*RISH), Amakusa Shion. The most she got from him was his name and his weird thing with horoscopes. She decided it was best not to question it, as it really didn't concern her and she didn't see it bothering work-related things as they'd work together. Plus, he was quiet. That was good.

She could not invest herself in another pompous Eiichi or fluctuating Nagi.

The "V" was the Ren-like Kiryuin Van. His hair was styled very JPOP-y, and he did acknowledge her talent from looking over the compositions she made with the original members of the group. That was all Nagisa could say about him in her head without agonizing over the details.

The "E," "N," and "S" of HEAVENS were the original three: Eiichi, Nagi, and Sumeragi. They weren't worth reassessing in her head, other than that their "counterparts" were Ittoki (which didn't make a lick of sense personality-wise, which was fortunate, or else Nagisa would've burned something with a torch), Shinomiya, and Hijirikawa.

They requested that she kept their additional members a secret until their debut, and Nagisa agreed to it. HEAVENS was quiet after losing to STARISH in the UtaPri awards. Performance-wise, Nagisa actually reflected on their techniques and experience and found that HEAVENS had the upper hand at that time.

She just lacked the feeling to experience STARISH's fresh, riveting atmosphere. It sucked.

Overall, she actually thought she should make a run for it and screw them all. Except for maybe QUARTET NIGHT for being the odd one out. Or she could make her own solo album and sign herself under some indie record, just to be underground enough to tour around a little and simply enjoy the low fame.

But she signed the contract with Saotome, and unless she killed herself, committed a crime, or found the money to pay it off, Nagisa was there to stay and slave away for at least another year from today.

After working with them, she asked for a day's break from Saotome and got rejected. Her frustration didn't dare spill over to work-related things, as much as she wanted it to.

She muttered murderously in the halls, "F*cking *ss sh*t—"

And bumped into Ren.

"Oh, oops," she clumsily laughed, freezing over his presence. He didn't hear me, did he?

"Excuse me, sweet lamb. I couldn't help but overhear that you're… more than what you seem," Ren said suavely, a smirk playing at his lips. Nagisa wanted to smack herself. Or him. That sounded better.

"Good sir," she tried to say with a smile, "I realize I've been caught. But you see, I can't always wonder what swearing from my voice sounds like in the bathroom. Surely you understand."

He more than chuckled at this. He full blown laughed, hardly able to breathe. Nagisa just stood there, mystified, almost offended, at this.

"What?" she nervously giggled, her voice cracking.

"I suspected this before, but didn't think much of it." Leaning down to meet her eye-to-eye, Ren whispered in her ear, "You're not Kido Nagisa, are you?"

Her face flushed at the proximity, and that she felt his breath on her sensitive skin. It was too foreign.

Twitching a smile, Nagisa raised a finger to her lips and whispered back, "It's a secret."

He nodded, pretending to understand. "I'll work with you tomorrow then, miss sheepskin."

Sheepskin… Nagisa stifled a laugh, which sounded like a small sigh. Ren didn't question further. He just went with it.

He's actually a strange guy…


Nagisa thought she was just trying to survive.

Having to compose for three music groups with her twin sister who doesn't know of it, while dealing with love complications with a robot, and while concealing her true identity within an identity's identity was, honest to God, almost as draining as being alone in that hospital bed, vomiting blood for months.

Dramatically-speaking, she was practically dying.

And yet, she didn't go a day without finding her life interesting by the end of it. It was better than feeling dead on her hospital death bed.

While lying in her dorm bed, stressed at her fatigue but far from asleep, Nagisa laid on her back and rested her head to face Kurosaki Ranmaru. His eyes were open and narrowed, and they unknowingly instigated a staredown.

"Hey," he grumbled to her. Masato and Ren were in dreamland, hearing nothing.

She paused. He waited.

"Sleep, silly," Nagisa slurred with a smile, pretending to be sleepy.

"Hey," he said again, gruffier this time.

Her smile tightened. "Sleep."

"Hell no. Hey."

He purposefully got louder with each call out to her, and considering this, Nagisa's smile hurt.

"Okay what."

Ranmaru felt both victorious and intimidated (so it was like a strained victory), while Nagisa mocked interest in what he had to say.

"Well," he began, "since we are working tomorrow, and are both awake, I want to talk a bit about it."

She exhaled. "Okay."

"You know my style and whatnot, right?"

"Of course I do. I had to," Nagisa whispered in reply. "Plus Aoi-chan wouldn't shut up about you guys to make sure I got your charms right."

He quirked a brow. "Charms?"

"Uh, yeah. Charms. You all have something going for you, and Aoi-chan had to explain them to me in a way I could understand. Like colors, food, abstract ideas—"

"What do you mean by that?"

Nagisa hesitated, preparing to explain it without sounding metaphorical. "For example, when considering Ittoki Otoya, he has this cheery ambience to him, like a sweet, popping cherry. Red. Bold, and a splash of life— no, not a splash, more like a… splatter. Or something."

Did that make any sense? she wondered.

Ranmaru slipped his hands behind his head, facing the ceiling. "I think I get it. But how do you turn those factors into music?"

She was surprised. "That's actually a good question."

"Just answer it."

"I don't really know."

Ranmaru rolled his eyes to the back of his head. "What the f*ck."

Nagisa laughed slightly, "Sorry, it's just that— well I don't know. It's an instinct more than anything. Like how you get lost in a song so you instinctively know the lyrics and chords."

"So it's a groove the charm fits into."

She found that Ranmaru doesn't get enough credit for his ingenuity.

"Yes. Extraordinary."

"I'll be writing the lyrics tomorrow."

Nagisa smiled, feeling relaxed for the first time in a long time.


Closing A/N: So the ending is drastically different from the original. For the sake of new readers, I won't mention it, for it's a huge step forward in plot. Huge.

It'll be revealed later. No big deal. (I hope. Ugh I never did this before)

Rewritten on: March 12, 2017