Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers (2007) or Transformers: Generation 1.
The following songs used in this chapter were:
Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by Pink
Low by Flo Rida
~0~
I dragged myself in from outside to the rec room. Even though my body was drained, I couldn't just sleep through the day. Granted, it was early in the morning and the sun was just rising...
"Lilly!" With those factors I thought I was safe from detection. However, I seemed to have forgotten that I am never safe from Jazz. I grunted when someone jumped on my back. "What's up?"
"Femme, get off!" I growled.
"Aw..." she said as she slid off. "Your mean."
"Little hint. No coffee plus early morning equals irritated Lilly." I raised an eyebrow at her pout and the single lilly in her braided brown hair. Only one mech I know has that exact pout. I walked up to Jazz when I got my coffee, his hologram snuggling my arm. "Jazz, what's with the early warning system with the lilly colored, short, summer dress? Is this payback for painting you purple or a thank you gift? It's too early for me to tell the difference."
Jazz grinned. "Just a cheering up mechanism I created. Ya like?"
"Why would she? She hates holoforms."
"Blaster," I growled as he dragged himself into the rec room.
He looked at me. "What?"
Jazz's holoform tugged on my arm. I ignored the warning. "I understand that I hurt you, but this is ridiculous!"
"You always say-"
"For real! Blaster, you saying that I hate holoforms is like saying I hate humans! I care for every sentient being!"
"Then why-?"
"Why do you think I cried when I told you what I told you? Huh? You've been acting all moody and I understand that your down and that you need love, but I can't give it. You know why I say that? So you can find someone better! I want you to find someone who deserves you, Blaster! You were assigned to me, not-"
"What are you saying? That you don't want me to be your guardian?"
"I will care for you until the end of time and I never want you to seize to exist. Why is it so bad for me to want you to love someone who actually reciprocates that love?"
"Because it isn't you. I know you."
"Not enough. Blaster, you haven't looked. You haven't been searching for another for all this time. Move on."
"Because you have?"
"Yes," I answered honestly. "I can't love you. Find someone who can." With that I walked out, coffee cooling on the table...with a side order of Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by Pink. If I was going to go out, I might as well have done it with style.
~0~
It probably took an hour but I finally found a place where I could relax and not have to worry about having a decepticon...or autobot...attack me. At this stage I wouldn't be surprised if Red Alert jumped me for being a nuisance to the Ark. Speaking of Red Alert...I pulled out my ipod that Red had originally confiscated because he thought it would be a threat to national security. He gave it back to me after putting a tracking device in it and learning that I was only deadly without music. I put my ipod on shuffle before free styling something between the fudderwack, moonwalk, balle, cwalk, popping, and jerkin'. When the last song played I settled myself low low low low into my typical meditative locus position. It took thirty minutes for my heart and body to calm down and five minutes for a nuisance to appear. At first I thought it was an annoying bug tickling my nose, and when it left for five seconds I felt relieved...Until the 'bug' lowered to an area I didn't realize would be in reach for anyone until that moment. I grabbed the object and pulled it down, not at all amused.
"What the hell is wrong with you and Prowl?"
"What'd we do?" Jazz asked in shock as he jumped down from the boldier I had my back against.
"Maybe its the fact that I haven't meditated or studied ninjutsu in fifteen years, but I'm pretty sure that your not supposed to tickle someone out of a meditative state."
"Ya enjoyed it, didn't ya?"
"Why would I enjoy having a...feather cat toy...of all things touch me in a personal manner? I don't like having my personal bubble being invaded. Especially not when I am emotionally unstable."
"Ah thought that ya were used ta us touching ya by now."
"Not while I'm ticked. Not even Blaster touches me when I'm ticked off and he's my guardian." My eyes softened. "Was my guardian."
"Who cares whose who? We're yer friends, ain't we?"
I facepalmed. Way to guilt trip me. "That's not the point."
"Ain't we?" Jazz repeated forcefully.
I sighed before looking into Jazz's optics. "Yes," I said softly. "I care about all of you."
"Even Mirage an' Sunstreaker?" Jazz asked teasingly.
I shrugged. "Can't judge a book by its cover."
"Even if it's a decepticon?"
"I judge the contents, not the label."
"Now it just sounds like ya memorised that."
I shrugged again. "Think what you like." Jazz stared at me. "What?"
"Blaster was right. Ya don' care 'bout anything when yer ticked."
"Jazz, how much does Blaster tell you exactly?"
It was his turn to shrug. "Pretty much anythin'. He's an open book with meh."
I snorted. "I need a better guardian," I mumbled.
"Are ya askin' or am Ah deaf?"
"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you being deaf would explain why your music is so loud."
"Excuse meh? Do ya wan'ta get tickled again?"
"No."
"Ya sure? 'Cause ya sound like ya asking for it anyway," Jazz said as he poked me.
"Ack! Oh no no no no no!" I tried running and failed miserably.
"Funny," Jazz began teasingly. "Ya lips say no but all Ah hear is yes! Hm...maybe Ah am deaf."
"Your not deaf!" I shrieked. Jazz had me pinned against the boldiers, kept me caged with one hand, and drew out the torture with the other.
"Really? Ah'm not? Then I want an apology for tricking meh!"
"Sorry!"
"Whose sorry? Is Blaster sorry? Is Prowl sorry? Ya got ta be specific, Lil."
Damn autobot. "I-ahahaha! I'm sorry!"
"Now who ya apologizing to?"
"Jazz!" I screamed in outrage. I collasped into Jazz's hand and took several minutes to get my breathing back to normal and to notice the same problem that Prowl had left me with. No doubt Jazz has already picked up on it and plans on fixing it, I thought grumpily.
"Ya okay?" I nodded once I stood up but I didn't look at Jazz. I leanned against the boldier behind me casually, trying to act like nothing was wrong. "Ya know..." I glanced at him briefly before looking away again. "Prowl mentioned something about being yer teacher in metalico an' that ya were interested in meh being yer masta' too if Ah was cool with it."
I snapped to attention immediately. "Are you?"
"Ya ever hear o' patience is a virtue?" Jazz asked in amusement at my sudden attentiveness.
I looked down again. "Sorry..."
"Ya didn't answer mah question."
I looked up. "I have heard of it."
"Ah wan' ta teach ya patience as yer first lesson."
"How?"
"Sparing, o' course." I stared at him when I saw...something...dancing in Jazz's optics. Mischief? What's so mischievous about sparing? 'I yelled at him to stop touching me in undignified ways during sparing...' Yeah, that could be it.
"I don't know, Jazz. I'm not trying to disobey you or anything, but I've never spared before. I don't know any of the movements, positions, or react-" I froze before jumping away immediately when Jazz sent a punch my way. I continued to block him before he tried to kick me in the face. I lowered to the ground immediately and tried to sweep his legs out from underneath him with one leg extended. I stood up and looked at him when his holoform jumped to avoid it and landed somewhere behind me.
He laughed. "Yer reaction time's fine. Ya worry too much. Now..." I yelped and jumped a good distance in the air when his holoform grabbed my aft. I took the opportunity to twirl around with a leg extended, trying to kick his holoform's face off. "Show meh whatcha got."
Thirty minutes later, I was a mess. Prowl wasn't kidding when he said that Jazz touched him in inappropriate ways during sparing. It didn't matter if it was Jazz or his holoform. Whatever he threw my way, it had the same effect of both ticking me off and arousing me to some extent. He knew it. I know he knew it. That was probably why he stopped when his holoform kicked me roughly. I landed with my back against a boldier and I was breathing hard.
"Mental o' physical?" Jazz asked gently as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. I didn't contemplate it for long before I started feeling dizzy. I looked up at Jazz, legs slowly turning to jelly. "Lil...? Lil!" The last thing I saw was a blurr of silver.
~0~
You know what I remember? Being stuck. I was stuck in my own body and I couldn't fix anything. My voice fell on deaf ears.
"She needs an operation."
I can talk you know. Hey! Listen!
"Are you sure it's worth it? The heart is in critical condition."
"We must act quickly."
I don't need an operation! You're making a big mistake!
"She's flatlining! The operation is failing!"
"She never had a heart to begin with."
~0~
I remember waking up feeling heart clenching fear. I bent over and cried when I could finally move. I was relieved and frightened in the same instant. Duel emotions are too bothersome. Jazz nudged me into his arms during the session and cuddled me to his chest to gain some warmth and comfort from his spark. When I was relatively stable, I couldn't manage my normal tone as Jazz started talking.
"Lil, Ah'm sorry. Ah shouldn't have pushed ya."
"Its fine," I whispered in a drained voice.
"No it ain't," Jazz said harshly. "Ya were emotionally and physically exhausted. Ah saw ya dancin' befo' an' Red heard an' saw ya cryin' two solar cycles ago when everyone else was in recharge mode."
"Your temptation tested my restraint," I said with a slight smile that didn't last long. I was trying to lighten the mood. "Its my fault for pushing myself. I would have jumped over the edge had I not fainted."
"Lil, ya jumped over the edge in recharge," Jazz said urgently. A clawed digit traced my cheek delicately. "Ya not yerself."
"Everything is finally settling into my processor," I said softly. "It's normal for me to be like this."
"Not around us it ain't."
"Blaster knows," I said as I placed my head on one hand casually. "He saw me before the reveal for a year. Whenever I'm not stable I retreat within myself."
"Lil, ya can't do that. It ain't healthy."
"Its how I survived, Jazz. You have to do whatever you can to survive. I wasn't about to loose my spirit and my life. Retreating was like being in a hybernative state for a year...At least I came out alive."
"Coz o' us. Is that supposed ta be happier?"
"It's the truth," I said softly.
Jazz sighed as he pulled me closer to his spark. "Ah believe ya. Jus'...tell meh when yer gettin' close to yer limit."
I nodded. There was only a slightly uncomfortable silence between us as Jazz gently rubbed idle circles on my back. "Hey Jazz," I finally whispered. "What's Primus like?"
Jazz snorted. "Where'd ya get that from?"
"Prowl mentioned that there was a spiritual side to metalico on the ride home."
Jazz hesitated. "Home?"
I blinked before blushing slightly. "Base...N.E.S.T. Headquarter's...You know what I mean."
"Base is home?"
"You guys live here don'tcha?" I replied heatedly before breathing deeply. "Sorry."
"S'kay," Jazz said before considering something. "Lil, how would ya like ta live here?"
I pursed my lips. "You mean with Blaster? I'm not sure that's the wisest course of action right now."
"Ah mean with meh an' Prowler," Jazz said lightly. "After all, ya are gonna be training with us. We can't keep traveling back an' forth."
"What about my job?"
"Becoming a metalico master ain't enough?" Jazz asked in amusement. "Ya need a job, too? One o' us needs ta be coherant durin' training an' if it ain't meh...Ya at least have ta know whatcha doing. The decepticons could come back anytime. We already have plenty o' humans here. One more ain't gonna make a difference."
"I'm not a soldier."
"Would being mah an' Prowl's charge be enough?"
I blinked. "You both want to be my guardian?"
"We're a package deal anyway," Jazz said good naturedly. "Plus Ah tend ta go on long missions. Yer gonna need Prowl an' vise versa durin' those."
I hesitated. "Only if Prowl says yes."
"He already knows an' agrees."
"Then I gladly accept the offer. Now...about Primus..."
Jazz chuckled. "Mech's friggin' tiny. Human size."
I smiled slightly. "You for real? I thought He was supposed to be planet size."
"That's what Ah said," Jazz said as he laughed. "N'aw. Mech puts Metroplex ta shame. He brings kindness ta a whole other level. Mech said He'd level me if Ah didn't come back."
I chuckled lightly at the idea of Primus hurting anyone. "Sounds fun. Remind me to deck him for ya."
"Lil, yer the size of half the Mech's eyelash if we had any. An' I'm talkin' nonexistent eyelashes. How ya gonna deck him?"
"Ask for a power boost on the final level?"
"Ah don' think ya want ta reach the final level, Lil," Jazz said softly. "It may be comforting and yer spark feels like it's gonna explode like a star in happiness...But when the game is ova...ya don' come back. Ya can feel the it fade, Lil. Ya know that there's going to be nothing after Primus is done with ya. Ya know that you ain't goin' ta see yer friends again if ya even remember them amist the happiness of nothingness but warm light. Yer last moments may be happy, but yer last moment, that split astrosecond of sudden awareness where everything suddenly falls into place and yer want ta share it with someone but can't 'cause you'll be gone the next second and never exist again...It's the scariest feeling in the universe. Worse than knowing yer going ta die an' can't do anything about it. At least with that yer can hope for another chance at life and spend it with yer friends an' family. At least with that ya can leave somethin' behind. There's no hope when it's game over for Primus, Lil. When ya reach game over, ya don' exist. Ya become Primus and Primus-"
"Is all there is. He is everything and He will never die, but you can. Sucks."
"True," Jazz said as he rubbed my back and brought me closer to his spark. "But Ah would rather go with Primus than go with Unicron."
"The neverending debate," I whispered as I wiped my tears away with my blanket. "Ya know, humans spend their lives debating religion, politics, culture, sexuality, and the environment when they could just be living their lives."
"It's so the next generation can live a happier, longer life."
"That's the hope."
"An' hope is Primus."
"Amen."
