Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its character as much as I would love to have a few of them hidden in my closet. They all belong to Mr. Kishimoto. Any of the characters you may not recognize of the canon story belong to me.


Don't Let Go

by Shihori


Chapter Eleven: Letting Go


The night was cold and the undisturbed snow crunched under the soles of her sandals with each step she took forward. The air was crisp and it made her chest hurt with every breath but it made her feel alive. Alive was something he was not.

Tomoe had found her way to the memorial stone, disobeying orders from her superior. She was supposed to go on to headquarters along with the other two to await debriefing from the hokage. She had not meant to disobey but after this mission she needed to be there.

Her father's name was engraved on the face of that stone, as well as the name of a grandmother she never knew. She had sworn to have her own on it as well by the age of twenty-five. Someone else was taking a place on that stone before her after this mission.

She had not known it was him behind the mouse mask. He had not known it was her behind the bird mask. All the same she had not expected to see the lifeless face of her first crush when she removed the mask.

It had shaken her and for once she had made a sound close to a whimper at the sight of him. He had died protecting his comrade –her, without knowing she was the girl he had flirted with only two days before on the eve of winter solstice. She had decided to take her shishou's advice and tried to connect with people again, and he had been the first one to approach her after her exile.

He had not recognized her but they had been classmates once, until she had no choice but to leave school after her near miss with death the day the Kyuubi attacked. And she had liked his smile then. She found she liked his smile still.

They had promised to meet again within five days. She had been attached to the mission the next day and had not even guessed she was in his team. Not until she removed his mask.

It makes no difference who you are, who your parents are, or what skills you have. Death is the only certain thing in a shinobi's life. It is only a matter of time for all of us. It comes sooner for ANBU more than a regular shinobi. Can't live with it, get out now.

Her ANBU trainer's words came to her then while she knelt on the soft snow. Never did those words ring truer than that night.

This mission only reminded her of old promises to herself. Love was not for her and never should she indulge such fantasies. She had repeated to herself this many times after her mother's death. Love was simply not for her. It was poison for Kurosagi women and she did not want to die of that poison.

And yet, many years had passed and her anger had dimmed somewhat. She had given in to silly girl hopes fed by the encouragement of her sensei. She could not blame Tsunade-shishou. She had not learned from her own loss not to give her heart away.

Tomoe was far from falling in love but the pang of sadness that she felt when she realized she would not see him smile again woke her up from her silly dream. Tonight she rectified that. Once again she was before the stone silently promising to the one whose name was not on that stone that she would never –never, turn into her.

"My promise still stands mother." She said softly, "I will join you in seven years. Any longer than that and I will feel guilty for outliving you."

"I believe I said all three of you to wait at headquarters."

The deep male voice startled her and she stood up right away. The crow mask was pointed her way, obviously waiting for an answer. "My apologies captain." She said, holding the rest of her words behind. Nothing she could say would explain why she was breaking orders.

"Do you have someone here?" He nodded towards the stone.

Tomoe nodded, "One too many."

Her team captain simply nodded at her answer.

"I will head on now." She said, realizing he had come to pay his respects to the dead as well.

"Sora," He said as he turned back to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Death is certain for all of us, shinobi or not. Our teammate gave his life to save yours. Don't waste it."

Rage bubbled in her chest. I did not ask him to die for me! She wanted to scream. By saying those words he was giving shape to an image she did not want to carry the rest of her life. She did not want to feel like she owed it to the dead man to keep on living.

"I will wait at headquarters." She said shrugging away from his touch and vanished into the night.


Tomoe opened her eyes slowly. The room she was in was dim and the only light around was bluish. She felt terribly cold and could see her breath fogging with each exhale. Between her lips she could feel something hard. She panicked and tried moving but her limbs would not respond.

A door opened, allowing light in for an instant as a nurse walked in. "Kurosagi Tomoe-sama." She said as she approached her bed, "My name is Nagisa. Please calm down. You are in Konoha. Tsunade-sama has been contacted already. You went into a coma due to the poison you were administered in Fire City."

Oh hell, Tomoe thought, That explains the dream. She figured they had put her in a cold room to keep the poison from eating away at her.

"It has been three weeks since you fell into the coma, but Tsunade-sama managed to stabilize you and drain the remaining poison out." She smiled as she finished checking her vitals. "You will be fine now that you've woken up, I'm sure."

Three weeks, Tomoe wanted to sigh but opted for rolling her eyes to the ceiling. I guess I didn't get to keep my promise mother.

She had hoped for an answer from beyond since she seemed to be brushing death frequently enough to have a pass to the underworld stamped but unused. She wanted to laugh at herself. She never cared while she was alive, why would she bother to answer me now?

The door opened again and quick clicks of heels on the tiled floor gave away who it was. Tomoe lowered her eyes and saw Tsunade looking furious at her but relieved at the same time.

"About god damned time you brat!" Tsunade yelled taking the clipboard from the nurse. "What are you trying to do? Kill me before I turn sixty?"

Tomoe arched her eyebrow as reply.

Tsunade scoffed, "Alright. No need to call me a liar with that look, but no one other than you and me need to know my age here."

Tomoe would have smiled if the tube in her mouth allowed it. She knew there was at least one person who would answer her question if she were to ask. Tsunade would smack her to hell and back before yelling at her face, "LIVE of course you idiot!"

Death would not take her, so she might a well live. And so she would, once she got out of bed and out of the mess she had set herself into.


Seven weeks later…

Tomoe sat at the edge of her bed staring at the uniform hanging from the closet door. It was the standard jounin ensemble. Her eyes turned away from it to the scarf on her hands.

"Ichi thought it would be appropriate and I agree with him." Dai said as he handed it to her. "This one is his."

Dai –her Ni, had been her only contact with Itachi. Her other visitors, Tsunade, Shizune and Sakura either had no contact with him or would not answer any of her questions. It had been agreed by both hokages and the council that all contact between them was not to be allowed. They had wanted for their reports to be as detailed as possible. Tomoe suspected it was to find a discrepancy in their stories.

She was not surprised though. She would have done the same in their place.

"Ichi's hearing yesterday got pretty heated." Dai said from the window sill where he was leaning. "Nanadaime was quite confused as to how Itachi had survived when he had spoken to his corpse in the battlefield of the fourth war. You may guess how this has gone with Homura and Koharu."

"Is this your way of saying it won't go easy?" Tomoe smiled at her comrade. "Thank you Dai. Can't see your face but I can tell you're worried."

"I understand too much to not care boss." Dai shrugged as he pushed away from the window. "I'll be outside the door."

Tomoe nodded and stood up. Day had yet to break, however she was expected within an hour at the administration tower. When Dai had walked into her hospital room with the uniform on hand she knew time was up.

She undressed and donned the uniform with a sense of reverence. She had the feeling today would be the last time she would wear it. It was two sizes smaller than her usual, after all she had yet to reach her average weight, but looking at herself on the mirror dressed as a jounin once again made her feel more like the Kurosagi Tomoe that had left for her last undercover mission almost a year ago.

With each passing day her health returned and with it her confidence. Tsunade was right after all. She was a terrible patient and whiny when sick. But now she was ready to face the council and the consequences of her actions.

She picked the scarf from the bed and tied it around her hips. A quick look at the red swirl at the ends reminded her that she had an even harder confrontation to follow after the council. Tsunade had told her Naruto would avoid the topic whenever she tried to talk him into visiting her in the hospital and would only talk of her when discussing her case and Itachi's.

A knock on the door brought her out of her musings. "Come in Dai." She said as she turned to the square mirror over the sink to tie up her hair. "I'm ready."

"Good." Kakashi said from the door, his hands in his pockets.

"Rokudaime-sama." She hid her surprise by bowing at the waist. It took her a split second to recognize him with the shorter hair. "Dai did not say-"

"I sent him back to the tower." Kakashi said, "Straighten up and let's go."

She looked up to watch him walk away from the door, fully expecting her to follow, which she did.

Tomoe followed at a five step distance keeping her eyes on his back. He had been wearing the same jounin uniform as usual, with nothing to mark him as hokage. "Rokudaime-sama forgive my confusion, but why are you here?" She said as they stepped out of the hospital.

"Walk with me Kurosagi." He said, not stopping his stride. "It is not very friendly to speak to my back."

Tomoe quirked her eyebrow at that but caught up with him anyways. "Hokage-sama, this is not the way to the tower."

"You requested a visit to the Memorial a week after waking from your coma." Kakashi pointed out, "We denied it. Homura and Kohane did not want you moving about even with an escort, while Naruto and I agreed with Tsunade that your health was too precarious to allow that."

"I've been in good shape for two weeks." Tomoe looked up to his face and noticed the headband was not covering his Sharingan eye anymore. "Why now?"

"Hmm?" He turned to her with smiling eyes, "Is there truly a need for a reason?"

Tomoe frowned, taken aback by his aloof manner. "Yes." She said, a little more forcefully than she intended.

He was being difficult and that only made her more aware of him. After so many weeks she had tagged the feelings that he had brought up during those days in prison as a side effect of her deteriorating health.

After not seeing him since that day in the tent she had truly begun to believe she had gone momentarily insane. Now, even while keeping a proper distance from him, she knew she had only fooled herself again. The tightness in her chest had made a glorious return the moment she turned around and saw him standing at the door. It wasn't until now that she realized she had felt somewhat disappointed that he had not come by.

Sakura had become her most frequent visitor and a friend. One night when she was finally able to talk after the damage the poison and the respirator had caused to her throat had more or less healed, Sakura told her of what her sensei had done while in-charge of her rescue mission. Also how he had saved her life yet again when he found her convulsing in the tent. If it had not been for him her name would now be on a regular tombstone. That was the truth of it.

She wanted to thank him for everything he'd done. That was certainly part of her interest to see him again. The other part was something she was not ready to fully admit to herself yet.

They were almost to the memorial when he broke the silence and answered.

"After the last mission we worked together," Kakashi said suddenly, "We never really talked again did we?"

Tomoe blushed and looked away. She had been really childish back then. His words had touched a nerve and she had not known how to handle it. Before that mission they had talked briefly after other missions. Yet she could not get over her anger at his advice and stopped talking to him all together.

"We met many times by the memorial after that mission though." He continued, "I know it is sort of a touch stone for you, maybe in a similar way as it is to me."

"Today's results are uncertain Kurosagi-san. If I were in your shoes I would like to come here first, and I have a feeling you did too. Or am I wrong?"

Tomoe stopped and he followed suit. She opened her mouth but no words would come out. Kakashi just stood there, looking down at her with kind eyes. Even though she could not see the lower half of his face, she knew he was smiling. It made her want to cry so she nodded and walked past him towards the memorial. It was moments later that she noticed he was not following.

She stopped again, this time the memorial was visible from where she stood but hardly close enough. During most of her life as a shinobi she had come to this place after every test she passed, every mission, every promotion. And each time, what did she say to the stone? I promise mom. Echoes of her own younger voice whispered in her ear. I promise mom.

It was a promise that would never see fruition, and she did not feel sorry or guilty she had not kept it. With a small smile she felt the last ties that held her to her old view of life cut off. For the first time, she felt absolutely free.


Kakashi watched her climb up from where he had remained at the bottom of the steps to give her privacy. He had been wondering what it would be like to see her again. There had been moments when he'd find himself in front of the hospital, only to turn away.

"Are you certain she's ok? Let me see her!"

Kakashi had to rip the younger man's hands from his ANBU shirt. "She is breathing again. That much I can tell you." He had breathed into her mouth while Tsunade and Sakura did the rest.

The convulsions had only stopped when her heart had given up. "Tsunade-sama says she is too fragile right now. Her heart stopped twice within an hour. She has forbidden everyone access to her except the medics that will help transport her to Konoha."

Itachi stepped back and slumped against one of the tent's posts. "Stubborn woman." He muttered under his breath. "So many years of promising to die before her twenty-fifth birthday and she does not desist even unconscious."

Kakashi was not sure Itachi had meant to be heard but he had all the same. There was nothing between Tomoe and him. He knew as much but he had felt possessive of her and needed to protect her. That was how he had felt from the moment he saw her hanging from her wrists in the interrogation room. Before that day she was no more than a figment of his imagination. He had fed his own desires to her image and made her into something that she was not. He was well aware of this.

All the same, he felt as if an important part of him had been ripped out when he did not feel her heart beating anymore. Kakashi had beheld before him the wraith of the beautiful, young woman his eyes had followed down the village streets for many years. Gone was her heartbeat and he had refused to accept that much. He was glad Tsunade would not accept it either.

And then from Itachi, her closest –whatever he is- he found out she never meant to survive this ordeal. The rage he had felt that moment had been unspeakable. That is when he remembered her words that first day, "I still want my name on the stone."

He had taken those words as no more than a shinobi's wish to die in service of her village. He had been terribly wrong. He knew nothing about her. Nothing at all.

Kakashi left the tent that held Itachi and walked into the surrounding woods. He felt cold from head to toe. He had lost many in his lifetime; people who had meant so much to him, but it was only the second time death had left an immense void in him. His father had been the first.

While he sat on the fallen trunk he brought his head onto his hands and silently asked, Is this how it felt dad when you lost mom? He wished he could get answer.

Kakashi had kept his distance since then but as Tsunade's reports of Tomoe's health became more encouraging with the passing weeks, he began to wonder if he should see her again. Surely his unreasonable attachment to her had come to an end. He did not want to care about someone who took life for granted.

There were two types of people he did not care for –those who did not know care for their teammates and those who did not care to appreciate how fortunate they are to be alive. Funny that he would set his eyes on someone who fit the later description.

That morning, the meeting with the others had come to an end only three hours before Tomoe's appointed time. They had all retired to makeshift beds in the adjoining rooms to get some rest. And yet Kakashi was not able to close his eyes without remembering one moment or another in which he had seen her in passing during the last few years.

Soon after that mission where one of their teammates died to protect her, he had recommended that she was given a short leave to recover from the trauma. It was not only his duty but also his interest on his teammate's well being that had made him take the decision to report his concern over the young ANBU. Days later the massacre of the Uchiha clan took place and she was taken in as an accessory to the crime.

It wasn't until several years later that he saw her again. He had been out drinking with Tenzo, Genma and Asuma, shortly after returning from the first mission Team Seven had successfully completed.

Kakashi could not remember what they had been talking about exactly, but Tenzo suddenly said, "Senpai, over there." And nodded towards the street. "Remember Kurosagi? Itachi's friend."

His last memory of her was of a lanky teenager with raven hair and blue eyes too big for her face with a stern look that would only soften when directed to Uchiha Itachi. And yet somehow he was able to spot her among the people walking about on the busy street. That was the moment his mind had fixated on her. No longer a wiry adolescent, she had grown into a beauty that had more than one man turning back to look at her once she passed them by. He could not help but stare just like the other men.

Suddenly her eyes turned to where they sat on the open bar's table and he saw Tenzo raise his hand from the corner of his eye. His salute made her smile wide and she waved back at him. Right then he was completely taken by her. Why had he been struck by that woman then, he had no idea, but it had been the beginning of his fixation with Kurosagi Tomoe. She was rarely around town, but when he spotted her he could not help but take in every detail of her. The dreams had followed soon after.

Kakashi knew he had no right to feel disappointed or conflicted when it came to her, but finding out she had basically set up a suicide mission was not easy to digest when he took into account how strong the need to protect her had felt and the desire to do bodily harm to Morimaru and his cohorts was.

Frustrated by all the memories and the conflicting emotions they brought, he went for a long, cold walk instead of wasting time trying to catch a shut eye before Kurosagi's trial. Somehow he had ended up at the hospital, again. This time he did not turn away.

Nothing has changed, Kakashi realized from the moment he saw her before the mirror, gathering her hair into a ponytail and exposing her neck. His made-up image of her had disappeared, but in him the need to be close to her remained.

How the hell had he come to be so attached to her? He wondered as she made it halfway up the steps. He could only guess at it.

When she stopped halfway there, he was wondering what was wrong when she turned around and bounded down again. "What's the matter?" He asked when she was closer.

She stopped again and cocked her head to the left. "You said today's results are uncertain."

She looked over her shoulder towards the memorial briefly before turning back to him. "Every time I've been to this memorial has been to promise someone whose name is not even there that I would not grow older than her. She killed herself to follow the man she loved. He is on that stone, but she never will."

"I had wanted my name there so somehow I could best her when it came to my father. It was a childish wish belonging to a girl that had to grow with half of a mother's love. It was a stupid decision of a younger self to stick to wishes made by a kid in the eve of loss."

"Maybe you understand what I'm saying. Maybe not." Shrugging her shoulders, she continued, "I never truly outgrew that unforgiving anger towards her. I never wanted to live more than they did."

With a small smile on her lips, Tomoe said in a soft tone. "I died. Twice."

"Tsunade-shishou knows me since I was in swaddling clothes. Sakura knew I was important to her. So I understand why neither gave up on me and fought to keep me alive. You, however, I cannot fathom a single reason as to why you did not give up."

Kakashi suddenly felt like he was under a magnifying glass. "Do you need a reason for everything?"

"Nothing happens without a reason." Tomoe took two more steps down. "Is it guilt for what happened last mission?"

"No." He said right away wondering why the conversation had taken such a sharp turn. "Although I still feel like I should apologize more."

She walked down until there were only two steps between them. "That is a little bit funny."

His left eyebrow shot up in confusion and a degree of outrage since had lost many nights sleep over that particular moment. "How is anything about that situation funny?"

She took a deep breath looking away as if to gather her thoughts, or courage. Kakashi remembered she had not wanted to talk about it back then and now was an odd moment for her to open that box of memories, but she did not seem to be preparing to shy away from it.

When her eyes returned to him she was not looking at some random spot around his shoulders or to his side as before. For the first time Kakashi got a clear look into her blue eyes for she was staring right at his.

"I've had a lot of time in my hands these seven weeks. Once I heard I had died twice –well…I could not help but review my life. I'm sure you understand how it is. However, what happened that day is not one of the things I've been too concerned about."

She smiled again, "It's funny you keep wanting to apologize for something I felt grateful for from the moment you identified yourself Rokudaime-sama. When I saw who your team mates were, I was grateful to my lucky stars that it was you then. No offense to Tenzo-senpai. But I do count myself lucky it was not Genma."

Kakashi could not help the chuckling at her repulsed expression when mentioning Genma. The man, besides sleeping around like the manwhore he is, was also Juu of the Shadow Core. "I get why you would object when it comes to Genma but Tenzo?"

A part of him wanted to kick himself for being ten times an idiot. He should really leave the topic alone and not try to dissect it. What could he hope to gain from it? Sure she had said she was grateful it had not been the other two. It did not mean he was anything special to her. "In any case, I'm glad there is no bad blood between us for that day. I am still sorry your first time had to be in such a way."

Shut up already! Kakashi yelled in his head.

Tomoe lowered her face and scratched at her right temple as a sign of embarrassment. "Yes well…"

"I'm sorry." Kakashi blurted right away. He felt like a teenager out of the sudden –not that he had ever truly been in such a situation as a teenager. "I don't mean to embarrass you."

She looked up and laughed softly, "No. It's alright. I meant to talk to you sometime about this just not quite in this situation though."

"I want to thank you for caring enough to apologize senpai." She said, "I wanted to say it then but you seemed so upset about everything that I did not want to make you feel worse. And maybe even if you hadn't, I might not have said anything with how my mind worked back then. It was just a mission."

Kakashi nodded. "It was." He agreed with her but there was no way he could explain to her why he had felt so guilty. After all he had fucked women, team mates, enemies and otherwise, for the sake of a mission and never had he felt guilt. With Tomoe however, he had enjoyed it too much for all the wrong reasons.

"We better head over." Tomoe said softly.

He turned over slightly and noticed the sun was already breaking in the sky. "Ah yes…we better." He felt her come down the last two steps. "Don't think we need to hurry though. They might all still be asleep."

"Doubtful." Tomoe sighed, letting her apprehension known.

"You are still not cleared for any physical exertion so running is out of the question." He said, "So no need to hurry."

She nodded and they fell into a companionable silence. Kakashi stuck his hands in the pant pockets relaxing somewhat while they walked a little bit closer this time around. He let his mind wander for a while. After all what was ahead of him would be tiring but it would be taxing on his companion. He did not want to interrupt her own musings since she seemed to be enjoying the surroundings.

He remembered the last time he had to stay in a hospital room for longer than a week. Looking out the window knowing the world went on outside without him was torture he was not so good at enduring and had made it known to the nurses when he could. From what he had heard, Tomoe had never asked to go outside except to the memorial or to see Itachi, never asked to step out for a breath of fresh air.

That train of thought only served to make him wonder about her and the Uchiha. It was no good at all to feel concerned about it.

"Hokage-sama." Tomoe's soft call made him look down and stop before her.

"It will be alright." He said, taking a guess at what had to be worrying her right now. They –Tsunade and himself, even Naruto, had done their best to keep her alive. The worst that would happen after today was not life threatening, at least he did not think it could come to that.

She smiled, "I am not worried about the council. We are getting closer to it though and I did not want to go further until I said one more thing."

"Oh?" He smiled. It was funny how years had passed without as much as a small acknowledgment such as 'hello senpai or go to hell senpai' came through her lips towards him, and now she had said more than he hoped to hear from her.

"Thank you." She said in a warm tone. "Thank you for all you have done for me."

Kakashi had to close his hands into tight fists right then to remind himself of where he was standing right now. What he wanted to do that instant would be terrible for both of them if someone happened to see them. And if he was wrong and everyone was waiting, it was very likely ANBU were already searching for them.

It was with great effort that he nodded and said, "You're welcome."

As he began turning to keep going, he sensed her reach out for him before her hand actually touched his face. He had the question poised on his lips when her thumb slid over them over the mask. "Kurosagi-san?"

"Don't you dare move." She said and stood on her toes. Her lips touched his in a fleeting press, and before he could abandon his common sense, she took a step back and smiled. "Now you really looked confused." She chuckled and walked past him.

Kakshi stared at her back for a few long seconds before he began walking again. Just as he decided to hell with everything, three ANBU landed in front of her.

Kakashi sighed audibly, holding back his annoyance at the timing. "We were on our way."

"The council grew restless at your tardiness Hokage-sama." One of the men said, "It would be best to hurry."

"Told them old habits die hard, but they wouldn't listen." Another said.

Kakashi smirked at the one he recognized as Tenzo. "Well then go and remind them again. We will be there soon enough."

"No need to make anyone wait longer." Tomoe smiled, "Thank you for your consideration Hokage-sama but Tsunade-shishou tends to baby me. Lead the way, gentlemen."

And just like that, Kakashi thought morosely as he ran and jumped next to her while surrounded by the other three, she got away.


Final Check: 7/31/2014