As usual you can't trust me, there will be at least one more filler chapter before the finale. Too much stuff came out of this Kim business.
Thank you so much for the reviews and feedback. I heard you and I'll do a little more thinking about the whole backdoor business, maybe try and write it and see if it doesn't get too... well you know, but the belt... don't you worry, it's coming ;)
Happy reading!
Chapter 12
As usual Liv beat him to the station but Amanda hadn't beaten him. It was a little internal competition of theirs whenever they hadn't spent the night together. He knew she liked to compete about almost everything so it was just fun to tease her a little about getting there before her, and yeah maybe he liked beating her at something. Cause Amanda could beat him at pretty much anything if she just put her mind to it. It was just one of many things he loved about her.
When she still hadn't walked in once Fin got there though he started to worry a little but he tried to tell himself he was being silly. Something just felt wrong though. They hadn't talked last night either which was rare these days but he knew she'd caught a GA meeting. Just as Fin sat down at his desk Liv walked out of her office and headed straight at him.
"So your partner had to leave town in a bit of a rush this morning but don't worry she'll be back in a couple of days," Liv said. She was about to say something else but Nick interrupted her.
"Why? What happen?" he said taking a few quick steps over towards them. Liv turned around looking a bit surprised about his sudden concern.
"I mean if she had to rush something must've happen right?" he quickly added trying to cover himself a little.
Smooth, Fin thought to himself but he was concern too and turned his attention back to Liv.
"Well I guess it's not a secret, we've been involved when it comes to her sister before," Liv started, "The police picked up Kim in Atlanta."
"What did they pick her up for?" Nick asked.
"Something involving drugs but I think Tucker had a warrant out for her arrest for the stunts she pulled up here last year," Liv said trying to hide the sigh.
"Will Mother Tucker be down there?" Fin asked and got a stern look from Liv.
"What? If that pit-bull goes down there she shouldn't have to face him alone," Fin said not apologizing for name-calling lieutenant Tucker.
"Yeah he's right," Nick chipped in hoping he'd get a reason to go down there.
"Hold your testosterone guys, far as I know Tucker isn't on his way down there but he might extricate Kim so we'll prepare for that on home field okay?" Liv's eyes went from Fin to Nick and back again. They didn't look convinced.
"C'mon guys, its Rollins. She got this, she's dealt with her sister her entire life."
"What happen last time wasn't peanuts though Liv," Fin said.
He was rather sure Kim's last betrayal set Amanda's latest downward spiral in motion. He knew how hard that had hit her. He knew cause she'd been forced to stay on his couch after Kim had cleaned her out and he'd heard the tears she'd tried to hide behind the closed door.
"I know Fin," Liv said giving him a serious look, "Can you trust me to handle it though, I promise I'm not just leaving her stranded down there."
Fin gave her a nod and Liv started to walk back in to her office but stopped suddenly and spun around.
"Oh, yeah, we got a case. Victim's at Cedar's, can you talk to her? I have a meeting with Barba so I'm stuck here," Liv said and Fin nodded as he got up out of his chair.
"She didn't call you?" Nick asked as they started walking out. Fin shook his head.
"I take it not you either?"
Nick shook his head with a disappointed look on his face. He wished Amanda would've called him before she took off.
"I'm gonna try and reach her," Nick said getting his phone up as the rode down. It went directly to her voicemail and he waited for the beep.
"Hey it's me, Liv just briefed us about your sister. I guess you might be on your way down. Check in when you get a chance okay? Let me know you're okay, if we can help in any way… Okay, bye."
He might have added a 'I love you' if Fin wasn't eavesdropping.
"She's probably on the flight," Fin said when Nick hung up.
"Probably," Nick mumbled as they jumped into Fin's car.
Nick did his best to focus on the victim but Fin did have to carry most of the interview. The victim, a woman in her thirties, had taken an early run in Central Park and been attacked by an unknown man. He'd roughed her up rather badly and it looked as an attempted rape. The woman was rattled but under the circumstances managed to give a rather good description of the man and she said yes to a sketch artist coming to the hospital to compose a sketch together. The woman told them that the man reeked of alcohol. He didn't have a weapon more than his fists and the fact he was intoxicated made it possible for her to get away before he could rape her.
The woman broke apart a little as the interview came to a close. Fin tried to console her best he could, looking towards Nick for some backup. Nick tried to help out by convincing the woman she'd been through something awful but the fact was that she'd saved herself in the end and that was something very heroic.
Walking out of the hospital though Nick couldn't help but think of what he'd just tried to convince that woman of. He hadn't lied when he called her heroic but his mind wandered to Amanda. Was she out there again trying to save herself? Would she ever be able to turn to him for help? And if not, would he be able to keep standing by seeing her destruct herself?
"She'll be okay," Fin said, briefly putting his hand on Nick's shoulder before they reached the car. Nick knew he wasn't talking about the victim and he gave Fin an appreciating nod hoping he was right.
He tried reaching her several times that day but she wasn't picking up. They were closing up shop for the day and Nick, being desperate for any news on Amanda, approached Fin hoping for help.
"Fin, hey," Nick said asking for his attention. Fin looked up from his screen.
"Could you… Maybe just…" he wasn't sure what to say and felt stupid for feeling so desperate. His eyes had gone up towards Liv in her office several times though and Fin got it without him having to ask.
"Sure," he said immediately getting out of his chair. Nick stayed a couple of steps behind him as he entered Liv's office.
"Hey Liv, have you heard from or anything about my partner?" Fin asked as Liv looked up from her paperwork. She took a deep breath and put her paperwork down.
"Yeah, well I haven't been able to reach her but I've talked to her old captain in Atlanta," Liv said leaning back in her chair a little. Nick took a step closer not wanting to miss anything.
"Looks as Tucker's charges might not be her worst problem after all. The drug regulation looks a little different down there but she was picked up on a class one drug charge."
"That's some serious time," Fin said with a whistle. Liv nodded.
"She's been taken to a closed ward at the hospital though suffering some serious withdrawal symptoms and they were going to do a psych eval. Amanda's been with her most of the day from what I understood," Liv told them.
"Is her mom there too?" Nick said dying to know exactly what was going on and if she had any backup. Liv gave him a look, squinting her eyes briefly but then her face eased up.
"Sam, her captain, didn't mention her mom but I'd suppose she would be but I don't know," Liv said calmly.
"And Tucker?" Fin asked. Liv gave him a nod confirming his worst case scenario.
"Sam talked to him, he didn't mention going down there himself though but he wanted access to the case and he mentioned adding charges. He's going after her."
"Of course he is, he knows it will hurt Amanda," Fin growled.
"But can we really object to Kim being behind bars?" Liv had to put it out there, "At least then Amanda will know where she is."
Neither Fin nor Nick had anything to add to that, she had a point but question was if Amanda would see it that way or not. Liv sent them home, making sure they knew they'd put in a good day's effort. Nick barely heard her though, his thoughts were with Amanda. He tried calling her twice more that night but had to face that she probably didn't want to talk to him, probably not to anyone but he hoped her old captain and colleagues kept an eye on her for him. He sent a text later on that read; "Know u probably have a lot on ur plate but pls check in if u get a chance. I'm worried about u. Want to help anyway I can. Nick."
Again he'd wanted to add a 'I love you' but he feared someone else would see the text and/or that Amanda wouldn't approve of it. The last thing he wanted right now was to add to her list of worries. The text as it was could probably get Liv curious but he was rather certain she would never see it. He wished he could talk to someone about his own worries about Amanda right now, he felt very alone with his feelings and he felt a little bit selfish for wasting concern on that. Amanda might also be all alone right now.
He lay down on his bed with a sigh. He wanted to be with her in Atlanta right now. What was the point of the two of them dealing with stuff away from each other? Being in a relationship meant sharing the good and the bad. And Amanda could try and deny it all she wanted but they were in a relationship now. He just needed her to understand that she could, and should, trust him all out. You didn't leave town without telling your boyfriend. You just didn't.
He picked up his phone again, finding her name in his address book. He kept staring at her name, wanting desperately to call her. But he knew better than to push her right now and he let the phone drop to the bed again. He would just try and get some sleep even though he knew he wouldn't be able to stop worrying and hope she would pick up tomorrow when he called. Cause he would call tomorrow.
She wouldn't pick up then either though. Checking in with Liv he learnt that Kim was still detoxing at the hospital but should probably get transferred to the prison later today or tomorrow at latest. Charges had been filed, Tucker adding his and Kim would probably serve several years behind bars. When he asked Liv how Amanda was holding up she told him she didn't know. Amanda apparently wasn't picking up Liv's calls either. She explained it by Amanda perhaps not being able to have her phone on while at the ward. She had talked to her old captain again though, he was keeping his eye on Amanda as well as the case against Kim. Nick felt a little relieved, at least it was some news but he couldn't help but wonder just how the good 'ol captain was keeping his eye on his former detective. He knew he had a good eye to her before she transferred. His jealousy started to get the better of him and he knew he had to trust her but it did annoy him that she didn't pick up his calls, called back or just sent a short text to let him know she was at least staying above surface.
The following day they wrapped up the case they'd been working since Amanda left. They found the suspect caught on camera leaving the park, the victim identified him and after some serious detective work they found his name. Liv and Nick took the interrogation cracking him rather easily. He'd been out drinking with buddies, got shot down by every lady he hit on and just decided to get some another way. They didn't find it unlikely he'd done, or at least tried something like this in the past too but they gave up after a while. They had him for this attempted rape and they would try to get him to plea-bargain once the public defender got there. Maybe he'd own up to more crimes then.
Being busy with the case had helped Nick keep his mind on something else than Amanda. Three days. Nothing. He was a little worried but by now mostly angry. He'd only called once today, same thing, no answer and he was fed up with listening to her voicemail. Liv had no news for him either. He'd spent the night just trying to go through the motions. He'd spent an hour at the station's gym, knocking around the punching bag. Took a shower and then headed home. He made dinner from scratch just to keep busy but then leaving most of it in a lunchbox for tomorrow as he wasn't hungry. He'd called his daughter to say good night and when she asked how Amanda was doing he lied and said she was just fine. The last hour he'd spent trying to focus on the baseball game on TV but his mind kept drifting.
The game ended and the final score didn't even interest him. He was about to shut the TV off and head to bed when there was a knock at the door. He scrambled to his feet quickly, hurrying over to the door. He didn't even check the peephole, just got the door open as soon as possible. He'd wanted to see her there and was less surprised than he probably should've been when she actually stood outside his door.
"Hey," he said smiling, all anger and worry thrown out the door in an instance.
"Hi," she said giving him the best smile she could after the tiresome flight back from Atlanta.
He let her pass and she dropped her trunk right inside the door. He felt privileged that he was her first stop coming from the airport and he hoped he would be able to keep her for the night. She slipped out of her jacket and he helped her hang it.
"So how was…" he started but lost his trail and started over, "How's your sister doing?"
Her eyes had been focused on his lips and since the last thing she wanted to do right now was talk she closed in and caught them with her own. He got caught a little by surprise but of course welcomed her lips once they crashed down on his and he wrapped his arms around her as he was dying to hold on to her. She didn't stop at a kiss hello though and he felt her eager hands push his tee up as she pushed him back against the wall.
"Hey," he mumbled into her mouth at the same time as he tried to get a hold of her hands. He wanted to see her face, felt a need to check where her mind was at. She was resilient though and he was forced to use her method, using his mouth and body to push himself off the wall and her backwards. He managed to grab a hold of her arms and he pushed them back against the wall once he managed to get her there. She moaned loudly as her back hit the wall and she bit down on his lips. It hurt him a little, it had felt a little harsher than usual but he figured it was maybe just because he wasn't in the right mood.
"Why don't we…" he tried once he let her mouth go but she was right back there trying to initiate the kiss again.
"C'mon Amanda," he whispered turning his face away from her. Her mouth got on his neck though, her tongue sending shivers through his skin and her hand paid a visit to his crotch. In a weak moment he felt himself get pushed back up against the wall again. His entire body clearly wanted her and his mind shillyshallied but the voice in the back of his head was clear. This wasn't right.
"Amanda," he said a bit harsher pushing himself away from the wall again. He'd grabbed a hold of both her wrists and held her back making it possible for him to get a good look at her face. She looked pissed and a bit frustrated.
"Just talk to me," he said regretting that he sounded so harsh but he couldn't hide his own frustration.
"I don't want to talk," she spat back, sparks flying out of her icy blue eyes.
He couldn't deny the sexual tension flowing through his body and when she tried to continue her advances he had to really fight his urges to not go along with her. Her mouth reached his jaw though as he again turned his head away and her breathe over his skin was lighting sparks in his groin.
"Amanda," he breathed still holding on to her wrists, trying to keep her away from him.
"Just fuck me," she whispered right by his ear.
Once the ripple effect caused by her words had ravaged through his body his mind got oddly clear.
"No," he said letting go of her wrists, separating himself from her with a few steps.
"Why is it always like this?" he asked, disappointment in his voice.
Her face still portrayed frustration but glimpses of uncertainty found its way in there now. He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair needing to calm down a bit. A lot of things were going on inside of him. He felt angry over the situation they were in, over the fact it always had to come down to sex with her. At the same time his entire body just wanted to give in to her, to not confront her and risk losing the physically.
"Why can't you just talk to me when something's bothering you?" he asked trying to get his voice back to normal.
"Nothing's bothering me," Amanda said, anger evident on her voice.
"Your sister was arrested, you had to confront her for the first time in what… a year? If that doesn't bother you than that's a problem that needs to be addressed," he said getting worked up again.
"Well have fun with that, I'm out of here," Amanda said and turned to leave, apparently not caring about either her jacket or trunk. Nick rushed over though and he got his hand on the door. She'd only managed to open the door a mere inch but that was apparently wide enough to make a rather loud noise when he shoved the door shut. When he met her eyes they had sparks flying again. He put his back against the door to prevent her from going anywhere.
"All I'm asking for is a brief update, you've been gone three days, three days that I've missed you greatly and worried about you since you never once checked in…"
"Well I've been kinda busy," she mumbled folding her eyes down. Eyes that had lost all angry sparks in an instance when he said he'd missed her.
"And I get that," he hurried to say, "so all I want is a quick briefing about what's been going on and how you're holding up in the midst of this."
He wanted desperately to touch her but she looked guarded now and he was also a little afraid he might start her up again and he wasn't sure he could reject her advances one more time. When she met his eyes again she didn't look cooperative so he tried another way to reach her.
"Okay, how about this… not to be mean or anything but you look like you haven't slept or eaten since I last saw you," he said and he was being honest, she looked exhausted, "I have leftovers from dinner, how about I heat some up for you and then maybe, just maybe, if you feel like it you can give me a quick update…"
"I have leftovers at home," Amanda said, again with that grumpy mumble. Nick sighed. Whatever leftovers she had in her fridge after three days should probably only be served to a trashcan and he doubted she even had leftovers knowing how empty her fridge usually was. But he knew better than to pick a fight with her right now.
"My leftovers are homemade, by me, and they come with my company and you can try and deny it but I know you have a preference for both."
He had to smile at her futile attempt to keep a grumpy face. She insisted on trying though and she kept her eyes down until she'd gotten her disobedient face in order. Only then did she look up but the fierce was long gone from her eyes.
"C'mon," he urged getting off the door but staying between it and her since he wasn't completely sure she wasn't going to make a break for it again. He had to repeat himself but then she, still reluctantly though, turned around slightly to move further inside the apartment. He urged her on by gesturing a little and he didn't care if he was being overly protective or silly by wanting her to stay in front of him. He would just not give her a chance to split.
"Kitchen," he said to guide her along. She folded her arms a bit disobedient in front of her but stepped ahead in to the kitchen and then leaned up against a counter as he went over to the fridge to get the lunchbox he'd prepared for tomorrow.
"It's pork adobo, marinated meat, with rice," he let her know as the plastic container circled around in the microwave. She tried to act indifferent but he saw her swallow and figured she might be a bit hungry after all. When a minute had passed he put a fork in and turned the food over only to put it back in for another thirty seconds. He handed her the box and the fork once it was done. Still keeping up with her noncompliant front he had to push the meal at her a little but then she finally grabbed it from him. He couldn't help himself and he planted a kiss on her forehead going in from underneath her bangs. He let her go and went to the fridge to get a soda for her. He opened the can and when he turned back around she'd already shoved food in her mouth and the fork was on its way towards her mouth again with another load. His inside stung a little as he could tell just how hungry she was. Maybe he hadn't been so far off when he suggested she hadn't eaten since he last saw her.
"C'mon," he said holding on to her soda and putting a light hand on the back of her arm to get her to come with him as he wanted her to sit down and eat. She followed willingly this time shoving another serving into her mouth. His hand went over her back but when he passed the spine she suddenly flinch a little and, even with her mouth stuffed, he heard the faint gasp. The eyes he met were nervous and then the out of the blue smile she shot him to reassure him she was fine had the opposite effect. He let it slide for now though but had no intention to not bring it back up before the night was over.
They both sat down on the couch. He put the soda next to her food on the table and then sat back while she stayed at the end of the couch so she could reach her food and she tried to pretend whatever was on the TV interested her. The way she sat left a gap between her top and her jeans and he couldn't help but let his fingers run over the exposed skin. Soon his palm was planted against her lower back sliding just a little back and forth. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her. It felt so good to have her back but this shield she still seemed forced to put up worried him.
"So you want to tell me what's been going on?" he asked once he could tell the bites got sparser. She shrugged.
"She was arrested, they took her for a psych eval since they weren't sure if she was jonesing or a mental case, I mean who can blame them," she spoke nonchalant, "she's in the slammer now, a trial in a few weeks if she doesn't plead out."
She sighed and grabbed her soda to wash down some of the bad taste brought on by talking about the last few days. It hadn't been fun, at all.
"Can she plead out?" he asked but she just shrugged.
"What about Tucker's charges? Will they try her for murder?"
He could feel her tense up a little under his touch.
"I'm not sure yet," she said before she had another taste of her drink. He stayed quiet, wasn't really sure what to say.
"Barba's going to look over those charges though, Benson apparently set it up," she added once she'd put the soda can down.
"That's nice of him," he smiled back, rubbing her back a little.
"Yeah," she said turning to face the TV again.
"How was it seeing your sister again?" he asked hoping for an honest answer. He had to wait a while but he had the entire night for her.
"A little… awkward I guess," she finally said. There was another pause but he could sense more was coming and he stayed quiet.
"She wasn't really… well lucid when I first got there. When… she sobered up and the medicine kicked in it got a little easier," she said without looking back at him.
"Did she apologize?" he asked carefully. She snorted and then shot him a look with a raised eyebrow. She shook her head a little as she turned away again.
"Haven't you noticed yet that me and my family aren't the best at apologizing," she said with a bit of sarcasm.
"Oh you're not so bad at it," he said rubbing her lower back again, "and she really owes you one. A big one."
"Well my sister thinks the entire world owes her and there's really not much you can say to try and convince her otherwise," she just said.
"And that's not really your job," he said, "was your mom there?"
Again he felt her tense up and it was quite obvious she disliked talking about this. She pushed away the container like just the sight of the food made her feel sick all of a sudden.
"I'm just wondering if you had back-up or if you were forced to deal with this alone yet again?" he tried to explain.
"My mom isn't exactly back-up," Amanda mocked.
"But she was there?"
"Of course she was, when the situation seems insufferable you can always trust my mom to walk in and make it even more so," Amanda sighed. She moved a little on the couch making his hand fall off her. He let it rest right by her sensing she wasn't in the mood to be touch right now.
"But your old captain had your back right?" he said and tried any jealousy out of his voice.
"Yeah, he had my back and I paid him back by screwing him a couple of times," she said with a hostile tone.
"That was not…" he said but bit down quickly. He recognized her provoking tone and he knew she was just trying to pick a fight to get off the topic.
"What?" she asked turning slightly towards him, "What do you have to say about that?"
He just tried to breathe calmly and just looked at her with kind eyes so she would realize he wasn't going to fight her right now. It seemed to work as she turned away again.
"I really wanted to be there with you, had you asked I would've gone with you in a second," he said calmly.
"I can take care of myself," she said quietly.
"I know you can, my point is you don't have to," he said reaching out to touch her lower back again, "I just want to be by your side. You don't have to be alone any longer Amanda."
His hand went up her back a little but when he came up to that part of her back that had made her flinch earlier she pulled away slightly and he let his hand fall back down again just so he could stay connected with her.
"Will you go down for the trial?"
"I guess," she said a bit hesitant.
"Will you let me go with you then?"
"Why would you want to…" she started but seemed to change her mind, "How did you plan to get that by Benson without her suspecting anything?"
"We'll figure it out, we're detectives after all," he said.
"Well she is too," Amanda said.
The atmosphere had gone less thick. Nick knew he should count his blessings but he wouldn't be a good boyfriend if he just let this one go.
"What happen to your back?" he asked and wished he could see the response on her face.
"Amanda?" he had to say when she didn't answer.
"It was nothing, a scuffle, nothing," she said but sounded evasive.
"A scuffle with whom?" he asked getting a little more worried.
"Not me, I just got in-between my sister and this f nurse, I should've let Kim clock him," she said.
"It was nothing," she said glancing back at him when she could feel he wasn't buying what she was saying.
"Can I have a look?" he asked fingering the hem of her top a little. She shook her head slightly.
"The only way you're getting me out of my clothes tonight… well you know how," she said throwing him one of her cheeky looks over her shoulder. He couldn't help but smile but made no attempts to get closer to her or undress her. Tonight he wanted something else with her, he wanted that intimacy and trust he so desperately longed for and that he knew they needed to make this relationship work.
"You can't tell me you're honestly going to deprive me tonight," she said keeping her cheeky tone, "after you told me you missed me like crazy."
"I don't think I used crazy…" he teased. She smiled and quickly got up on the couch straddling him. Her hands fell down on his chest and then went down to squeeze his abs gently. His hands went up her thighs and he rubbed them up and down as he watched her. He knew he would give in within a hot second if she started something but he had a feeling he wouldn't regret it if it did happen. How could he say no to this heavenly creature?
"But you did say you missed me," she smiled closing in on his lips. His hands went up around her ass at the same time as her tongue entered his mouth and he inhaled deeply. He enjoyed her taste, her smell, the way her hair felt against his face and the way she felt underneath his hands. He kept his mouth open, giving her the room to roam around with her tongue. As usual she was eager at first but then something made her slow down and her tongue just folded around his, softly massaging it. Her hands had gone back up to his chest and now one of them came up to cup his cheek. He felt her fingers go down to his jawline and then they slowly made their way up to his ear. It felt as though she explored his face like a blind person, like she was making sure that it was him and that she still knew his face. He didn't complain, her touch felt great and he wanted to remunerate it so his hands once more found the gap between her jeans and top and started to slowly swipe back and forth over her soft skin. She seemed to like that as her hips started to move slightly but far from the seductive way her hips usually moved.
Even though their kiss was soft and far from the way they usually sucked air out of each other she seemed to need air after a while and she rested her forehead against his. Her hands rested on each side of his face and he opened up his eyes getting a somewhat blurry sight of her still closed eyes. Without opening her eyes she moved one of her hands down to his chest so she had room to start to trail small kisses down all the way to his neck. He leaned his head slightly to one side to give her more room, he loved having her lips on his skin almost as much as he loved having it attached to his mouth.
"Yes I've missed you," he mumbled and he figured she must be the best truth detector in the world. Even though he would never allow it he smiled as he thought about how they should just send her in to do this to any suspect in interrogation and they would surely get their confession within minutes.
She used her teeth a little on his neck but again, not with her usual frenzy.
"I missed you too," she mumbled in-between small kisses and lovebites and his gut stirred. Hearing that made him the happiest man on earth and he held her a little tighter for a few seconds. Her hand had found its way down to his crotch again and he moaned as her hand stroke his member through his pants.
"I missed kissing you," she mumbled as her lips went down further on his shoulder, pushing his tee to the side.
"I missed touching you… making love to you… holding on to you…"
She'd worked her way back to his neck and came back to catch his mouth briefly. Her eyes were still closed. He saw that as she had his full attention. He saw her, listen to her, felt her and he felt so very blessed. Both hands were drawing soft circles down on her lower back.
"Sleeping next to you…" she mumbled as she went down his other side. Her hand was still down on his member but it had almost stopped moving now. He had already felt it happening. Her body was completely relaxed, her words got drowsier, her lips moving slower.
"I've missed you," she whispered as her lips made one last stop right above the vein in his neck and then her head slumped down on his shoulder. He felt one long and deep exhale against his neck and then she was gone. At sleep. Completely rested. At peace.
He smiled and had to fight the urge to chuckle as he didn't want to wake her. He'd been right when he'd done that first assessment, she'd looked hungry and tired. He'd fed her and now he'd lulled her.
He reached down between them carefully, aiming for her wrist and when he found it he slowly brought it up. He kissed her palm before he let her hand come to a rest on his chest. He stroke away some strands of hair from her face so he could get a better look at her peaceful face. She was just so beautiful and she was his. At that very moment she was no one's but his. At that moment he didn't doubt her love. She'd aimed straight for him when she came back to the city. She'd missed him, probably been in need of solace after stressful days down in Atlanta and she'd known he could give that to her. And he'd been there for her, avoided her traps to pick fights and all her insecurities. And now here she was. In his arms where she belonged.
It didn't take long until she was snoozing calmly and all while he caressed the side of her face and just enjoyed feeling her heart beat right above his own. He thought about getting his feet up on the couch and place himself a little more comfortable so they could just sleep there. He realized though that in the position they were in made it rather easy for him to have a look at her back and whatever marks that scuffle that she'd said weren't really a scuffle had made on her.
He carefully let his hand move up underneath her top and just as carefully pushed it up by slowly dragging his palm against her soft skin. He should've known it would look worse than she'd painted it. A large portion of her back and shoulder blade were covered in nasty looking purple bruises. He understood why just the mere touch had been painful. He wasn't really sure what could've caused such a bruise, it didn't look like fist marks but more like blunt force trauma by being hit up against a wall or maybe a fall. He was rather sure this hurt more than she let on.
He knew he couldn't kiss and make it better and he feared running his hand over it would wake her up so he just pulled down her top again. For a few seconds a worry sneaked in that something else had happen. She'd mentioned screwing her former captain. Had someone else tried something like screwing her? Had that son of a bitch that assaulted her before she transferred tried again? He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. He knew he needed to trust her, if he didn't they were doomed, then their relationship would be doomed.
So he pushed the worries out to get back to that happy place again. To that place where there was just the two of them, caring for each other and loving each other. Where she'd missed him just as much as he'd missed her if that was even possible. To where she'd run straight back to him and how she trusted him to be able to handle her. A test he knew he'd passes since she now was resting peacefully in his arms. She'd given herself to him and he had received her and in this place right now in time they were invincible. No one and nothing could hurt them right now.
He got his legs up on the couch and once he lay down she repositioned herself in her sleep finding a spot on top of him that worked for both of them. Her face was nestled in right by his neck, her breaths caressing his skin with every heartbeat and he wasn't sure he'd ever fallen asleep happier in his entire life.
He would wake up a few hours later and immediately missed her. When he didn't sense her on top of him he immediately popped his eyes open and he sat up once he'd confirmed she wasn't there.
"Amanda?" he called out into the dark apartment. He couldn't hear her anywhere. The lamp in the corner of the room along with the muted TV were his only sources of light. He spotted the food container on the table and knew it hadn't been a dream. She had been there. He called out her name once more as he stood up. A smile spread over his face as he spotted her jeans folded on the chair by the wall and he continued into the bedroom figuring she might have wanted to lie down on a proper bed. The bedroom was empty though. The bathroom was lit and she wasn't in there either.
"Amanda," he called out again walking back into the living room. He checked the kitchen, it looked just as how he'd left if after reheating the food for her. Where could she be, he wondered as he caught something outside the kitchen window. It looked like smoke and he walked closer so he could see where it originated from. He caught some more smoke and then saw an extended hand leaning against the railing outside on the stairs holding on to a lit smoke. He didn't have to investigate further to understand he'd find who he'd been looking for.
He found the door unlocked and he stuck his feet down into his sneakers before he stepped outside. He smiled once he got out in the corridor and spotted one of his flip-flops stuck in the front door. He would really have to give her keys so she didn't have to risk getting locked out. She of course caught him coming through the door and shot him a smile over her shoulder in response to the one he was already wearing. She looked refreshed, like just the few hours of sleep had done wonders for her.
"I know I always say I'm going to quit," she said as he walked up behind her, "What can I say, I have a weak character."
He sat down next to her on the stairs and reached in to plant a kiss on her temple before he said anything.
"You have nothing but a weak character," he then said, "A weak character don't have the balls to sit out on the street in the middle of the night in New York city in only a tee and one flip-flop."
He'd leaned forward and spotted the spouse to the one holding up the door.
"I am wearing panties too," she pointed out.
"Oh can't forget the panties," he smiled.
"No, never forget the panties," she said sounding philosophical. He chuckled and she shot him a cheeky smile.
"You can smoke inside by the window you know, I'm not that strict," he said.
"And miss inhaling the fresh city air?" she said a little overly theatrical.
He were about to put his hand on her back when he remembered the bruises and he redirected it to her lower back instead. It was even better since he then could go in underneath her top and get the chance to feel her skin against his own again. She shot him a smile and inhaled deeply before she curled up a little against her own knees.
"What woke you up?" he asked since he was worried she was hiding some anxiety lingering after the last couple of days in Atlanta. She usually smoked when something troubled her.
"Needed a smoke," she said holding up the rest of her cigarette. She shot him an awkward smile before she put the bud to her lips and pulled one last inhale before she put it out against the staircase. He watched her blow the smoke out and even though he disliked smoking he had to admit the smoke trailing around her face most definitely upped her already sky high sex appeal.
"Are you sure?" he asked rubbing his hand a little harder against her lower back. She shot him a quick look, her smile had faded some and then she hugged her legs once she turned her eyes back out on the street.
"Atlanta wasn't exactly… fun," she said quietly.
"I get that," he said and she shot him a brief and nervous smile. She rocked a little back and forth as she seemed to think about something. He watched her the whole time and caught her shiver with both his eyes and through the hand he kept on her lower back.
"Are you cold?" he asked immediately wishing he'd brought a hoodie with him. She shot him another look, her eyes going down from his eyes to his lips and then she shook her head attempting a smile before she looked away again.
"You should just run as far away from me and my… issues as you can," she said looking down the other side of the street to avoid looking at him.
"Not gonna happen," he said scooting in closer to her, snaking his arm around her hip. She kept her face hidden from him.
"It's too late," he said, "you hooked me and even if I wanted to I just can't shake you now."
Her eyes never came around to meet his but she turned her head slightly and he caught the faint smile on her face.
"Talk to me about Atlanta," he said even though he knew that would wipe the slight smile off her face. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat a little.
She'd gotten the call from Sam as she walked out of her GA meeting. He didn't call her that often these days so she was happy to see his name in the window, figured he might have some gossip about her old squad to feed her after a rather bleak meeting. She had a good run lately, she was in a good place so she should've known something bad was around the corner though.
The drive home had been somewhat erratic and she'd missed a few cars with only inches. Once home she'd immediately got online to get tickets out of the city. There was one more flight out tonight and it would be close but she had to make it. She'd packed a trunk, or more so thrown what she could get her hands on the fastest into it. The cab she'd called meanwhile had been waiting outside once she got down and she said there would be a fifty extra for him if he got her to the airport asap. He'd delivered and she shot him a thank you as she sprinted inside.
She'd made the flight with time to spare and she'd sat outside the gate contemplating to call him. She knew she should've but she also knew she might not be able to stay collected if she got any concern aimed her way right then. She'd shut the phone off instead and boarded the plane.
Sam had been waiting outside the airport as promised and taken her straight to the psych ward. It wasn't the first time she walked up those grim looking stairs but she would never get used to it. The patient was the same as well and as usual she used her badge to get in after visiting hours. What she'd met entering Kim's room had been another sight she never would get used to.
"When…" she started but would need his encouragement to keep going. He squeezed her hip gently and gave her a reassuring smile when her eyes flickered by his. She cleared her throat again.
"When I got there she was restrained to a bed, we're not talking handcuffs though. I've always hated seeing her like that and as usual I had to persuade them to take them off. They had an officer at the door and I promised I would make sure she didn't run off but…" she took a pause to take a deep breath, "they said she was violent. She was jonesing kind of bad."
She shot him an awkward smile.
"But I knew how to handle all that, it wasn't the first time. When I got her lose all she wanted was to hug me and she told me how these gremlins were trying to kill her. She was kind of messed up, she'd been off her meds for months and coming down from God knows what. She was so thin Nick…"
To keep the tears down she took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat and he held her a little tighter for a while. He could tell her loads of things, how her sister's state wasn't her fault, how it wasn't her fault she'd gone off her meds, but he knew it wouldn't serve a purpose. Not right now. Maybe in a day or two he could try and convince her but right now it would only cause friction between them and it was the last thing he wanted, or that she needed. But he knew she would go there in a heartbeat if he said anything bad about her sister right now.
"Go on," he whispered once he could feel she'd collected herself again.
"She's going behind bars, the only question is for how long," she said throwing him a quick look.
"Can you handle that?" he asked.
"What choice do I have," she said shrugging.
"And your mom? How is she handling all of this?"
He felt her tense up and she squirmed a little but he wouldn't let her go.
"Well as usual she tried to stick her head in the sand at first. Sam had tried to get a hold of her but she wasn't picking up so I had to head out there the following day. "
"Loganville?"
"Where people matter," she said with a mocking tone. He'd heard her trash the city's motto before and chose to ignore it now.
"So did she come with you?" he asked when she didn't continue.
"After some convincing yes. Should've left her there though. It didn't do Kim any good to have her there."
"What happen?"
"She was back in her restraints when we got there, I talked them into taking them off again but of course mom riled her up and…" Amanda shook her head in disbelief, "I'm not sure but somehow Kim and mom got in a beef with this nurse, he was a complete jerk for sure but then of course I end up in the middle of it all and that's how I hurt my back. No biggie," she said trying to smooth it over as usual.
"Then she was cuffed and there wasn't much I could do about it but," she made a face and threw her hands out, "of course it was all my fault."
"We know better than that though," he said but bit down as he caught the look she threw him. He couldn't get around why she was so protective of her sister. It was just so deep rooted, he worried what she had to protect herself and her sister from as they grew up. Something must've made her this guarded and cautious with her feelings. The lack of not being told that you were loved surely had a big impact on her. The lack of good role models, stability perhaps.
"You want to go back inside?" he asked but she quickly shook her head.
"Did you meet some of your old squad?" he asked after a while.
"Yeah. I stopped by there to check out Tucker's charges. And I had lunch with Sam and an old partner."
"Did you have a good partner back in Atlanta?"
"Yeah, five of them, we rotated in the squad, they were all good guys," she said and he could tell she relaxed a bit talking about them.
"Maybe you'll introduce me to them when I go down there with you?" he said. She shot him a look and he watched her study his face for a while.
"What? Are you afraid I'll make a fool out of myself?" he asked and he managed to get her to smile. She shook her head slowly, her eyes still watching him attentively.
"Don't worry okay, I'll find a good cover story for why I'm down there with you," he said as though he could read her troubled mind. He got a little taken by surprise when her lips landed briefly on his. She let them go just as quickly but he could feel her scooting even closer to him as she looked down the street again and it made him feel really good. He wished he wasn't so darn curious though since he knew he would blew this good moment.
"Did you see the…" he searched his head for the word she'd used but he couldn't find it right now, "your SOB for deputy chief?"
She froze a little and she kept her face hidden from him. It took a while but then finally she answered;
"Just briefly."
He wanted more, he wanted to know what had happen between them years ago but he could tell from her tone of voice that she wanted to get off the topic so he wouldn't push right now, it wasn't the right time.
"So how did you leave it, with your sister I mean?" he asked instead.
"She was transferred to the prison, she's going to stay a few days in their hospital ward. It takes a while for her meds to have effect. Once she's on them she'll… no, it will probably not help her much. I'm not sure how she's going to handle being locked up. I've always managed to keep her out but this time… I can't."
She hugged her legs again, briefly looking his way and he saw the tears in her eyes. He was about to repeat his mistake but again caught himself and redirected his hand to her shoulder. He placed a kiss on the side of her head.
"She put herself there Amanda, it's not your fault," he whispered holding her tight. It took a while but then she put her head down against his shoulder and he leaned his head on top of hers.
They just sat there for a while until suddenly a little, old man showed up with a tiny mutt in a leash. He stopped right below the stairs and stared at them suspiciously.
"What's up?" Amanda asked casually. The man frowned, shook his head and then continued walking. Nick chuckled.
"C'mon let's get back inside before you actually managed to chat someone up," he said stirring a bit. He let her go so she could get up but before he walked back inside he extended his hand to her and she grabbed it with a smile. At the door he shoved it open and then put the flip-flop down in front of her so she could stick her foot in it.
"Cinderella," he said chivalrous holding up the door for her.
"It doesn't fit, neither do I," she grinned as she walked by him without letting go of his hand.
"Well thank God you fit me perfectly," he said ingratiatingly and took lead down the corridor to his door. He let her inside and gave her time to shake of the flip-flops.
"You think you can get back to sleep?" he asked leading her inside.
"Maybe," she said giving him a faint smile.
"Let's try," he suggested leading her into the bedroom. Once by the bed he let her go so he could pull the cover.
"Are you gonna go in tomorrow?" he asked and she nodded once he looked at her.
"Are you sure you don't want to take a day off?" he tried hoping he could convince her of that.
"I need to work, it clears my head," she said as she sat down on the bed with a sigh. He stepped closer to her and she immediately wrapped her arms around his hips and pulled him even closer. He tried to take it easy as he put his hands on her back but even the light touch had her flinching slightly. He thought of something.
"Hey take your top off and lay down on the bed," he said letting her go.
"What?" she asked a bit bewildered, having closed her eyes and zoomed out a bit while holding on to him. Maybe she was rather tired after all.
"Your top, take it off and lay down on the bed," he said from the bathroom.
"…okay," she said a bit hesitant. She felt like going to sleep but if he wanted sex she could get in the mood she thought to herself. She pulled her top off and lay down on her back frowning a bit as she made contact with the bed. Maybe he'll let me get on top. He walked out from the bedroom holding some tube in his hands and she looked a bit skeptical.
"Turn over," he said once he reached the bed. She got up on her elbows, face changing from skeptical to reluctant.
"I've already peeked at your back," he confessed as he thought he knew the reason she didn't want to turn over.
"C'mon, roll over," he said when she didn't move, "this cream really works. I've used it several times when shot through Kevlar. You probably know how painful that can be."
She knew and once she'd weighed the pros and cons of letting him see the full extent of her back she slowly rolled over quickly burying her face in the sheet once she was down on her stomach like that would ease some of her humiliation. She hated showing weakness and a bruised back was in her eyes a sign of weakness.
It was worse seeing her entire back exposed but he collected himself quickly and got his knee up on the bed. He made his way over to her and straddled her carefully. Before he started applying the cream he planted a soft kiss right below her shoulder blade. Her skin was darkest right there. She stirred slightly underneath his lips but she wasn't sure if it was more of pleasure than pain. She smiled as she thought that his lips were the real miracle cream.
He started carefully applying the cream, covering every single bruise with a thin layer. She moaned a little at first but after a while she started relaxing and let out a moan that didn't sound like she was in pain at all, quite the opposite.
"Does that feel good?" he asked smiling. She made a sound that let him know she was thinking about it.
"…maybe a little," she whispered and he chuckled.
"You want me to keep going for a while? With the rest of your back," he asked and he took the slurred sound she made as a yes. He massaged her back gently, staying away from the injured parts this time around. He moved down a bit so he could get to her lower back as well, letting his hands go down her sides and just slightly underneath the hem of her panties. He almost thought she'd fallen asleep but then she let out a long, deep sigh.
"Okay time to get some more sleep," he said getting up off her. He heard her sigh a little disappointed as he walked in to the bathroom to wash his hands from the cream.
"If you get underneath the covers I might massage other parts," he teased before he disappeared through the door. That suggestion made her eyes pop open and she managed to somehow get herself up on all four and up to the head of the bed. He walked out of the bathroom just as she got herself beneath the cover and he smiled.
"Just call me easy," she mumbled lying down on her side.
"Easy to persuade yes," he smiled getting out of his sweatpants. He pulled of his tee as he made his way over to the bed. He left his boxers on sliding in between the sheets.
"We don't have to…" he said laying down facing her. He didn't want to pressure her into something she didn't want to do.
"I've heard it's only polite to repay favors," she said as she moved slightly underneath the sheet. Even though the sheet covered her he had no trouble picking up that she was getting out of her panties, he'd seen her do it many times now. And as usual he couldn't contain his smile or avoid the arousal happening in his boxers. Her hands came up from underneath the sheet bearing her panties.
"Trade you mine for yours," she said raising her eyebrow at him as he didn't move. He got going on removing his boxers and she tossed her panties to the side.
"Are you sure…" he said as he undressed, "…I mean with your back." He tossed his boxers off the bed.
"Maybe you can let me get top," she suggested scooting a little closer.
"Oh you get whatever you want," he smiled.
"Does that mean I can take whatever I want too," she smiled cheekily as her hand went down his body underneath the sheet.
"Don't you always," he teased but got to regret it as she squeezed his member. It wasn't all bad though, he kind of liked her rough handling. She let him go and lithely slid over him, straddling him at the same time as her lips caught his. The kiss got passionately quickly, her hands roaming around in his hair as she moved her hip above him getting his erection to grow rapidly. His hands were on her knees, sliding up her thighs and he came off the bed slightly so he could get all the way down to her ass, squeezing it before he lay back down again.
He got his hand down in-between them and she moaned into his mouth as he got his fingers on her clit. He only had to keep his hand there as she rubbed herself against it, pleasing herself and managing to build up his erection even further at the same time. She was brilliant at multitasking.
Suddenly she let his mouth go though and he felt her pull his wrist back up. He looked at her eyes trying to get a read on her. He lost a little focus though as he felt her grab a hold of him and he had to try really hard to stay still as he felt her lower herself on top of him. She exhaled as she got down to his base.
"God how I missed you," he whispered looking deep in to her eyes that hovered a few inches above him. She smiled slightly but got interrupted by a gasp as she moved herself up and then down over him again. He caressed her face as she kept moving. He wanted to withhold longer but maybe it was being deprived for three whole days or just the intimacy of the moment but he just couldn't and she didn't help by switching to those small, rapid movements as she heard him starting to groan.
He tried holding on to her eyes as he felt himself losing control but it was all just too sweet and his head rolled back on the pillow. She got her hands around his neck and her lips on his throat as his hands grabbed a hold of her waist. She had his hip locked down with her own and she steeled herself as he grinded up against her filling her up. He fell back down on the bed panting and he managed to get his head back up meeting the top of her head as she was still kissing and biting down on his throat. He laid there enjoying coming down, feeling her devour his skin and her light touch over his chest. She must have missed him too.
"Let me…" he whispered once his heartbeats were at an even rhythm again and he got his hand back down between their bodies. She gave him room to reach down between her legs again and came up to meet his mouth. He sucked in the air she exhaled as his fingers went inside her. He knew how to work her quickly and efficient but tonight he took his time, wanted to prolong her pleasure at the same time as he wanted to spare her back. But as usual she didn't do slow and cautious. She started to move her hips against his hand urging him on.
And also as usual she started to try and get away from his touch once the sensation got too much to handle for her. With her on top and him not wanting to grab a hold around her back it got a little tricky for him though. When she pulled away from his mouth he grabbed a hold of her hair and forced her head back down against his shoulder. They'd been there before so he knew he wasn't doing anything she disliked. He hooked two fingers inside of her and used his thumb to work her clit. She arched her back which brought her further up on his stomach. Her moans right by his ear and his stomach getting glossy by her fluids made him aroused again and he fully enjoyed both feeling and hearing her come. He didn't let her go until she relaxed back down on top of him and he pulled out his fingers carefully knowing she was still sensitive. He'd let go off his harsh grip in her hair and just played around softly in her locks. Once he'd wiped his other hand on the sheet he wrapped it carefully around her waist.
"I think I really missed you too," she whispered near his ear and he chuckled as much as he had energy for right now. He was rather tired and she obviously were too as it didn't take long until he felt her fall asleep on top of him. And as usual her calm snoozes made him follow her to sleep feeling like the luckiest man in the world.
He drove her over to her place in the morning, stopping to pick up some breakfast. He walked upstairs with her just to get a few extra minutes with her, and yes maybe just to see her change clothes too as it meant he could at least try and get a little handsy. Once she was redressed he had fun feeding her a croissant as she briefly sat down in his lap and then he got a few minutes of make out session before she spoiled it by saying they had to get to the station.
She took her car and he followed her to the station. Since they came in different cars he got to walk upstairs with her.
"Partner," Fin squealed a little once he walked in a few minutes after them. He made her get up from her desk and give him a hug.
"You doin' okay?" Fin asked a little quietly before he stepped away from her. She gave him a reassuring nod and then Fin walked over to his side of their desks. He would pump her for more information during lunch just to make sure she really was alright.
"Rollins, nice to see you back," Liv greeted as she walked in a little later, "you want to just step in to my office with me for a bit?"
Amanda nodded and hurried after Liv shooting Nick a bit of a worried look. He smiled at her though and she immediately felt a little calmer. Whatever happened he would be there and that notion calmed her.
"Have a seat," Liv said letting her pass in the door so she could close the door after them.
"Breakfast meeting with Barba," Liv sighed dropping a large pile of files on her desk. Amanda nodded since she really wasn't sure what to say.
"So..." Liv said sitting down after she'd hung her blazer on her chair. Amanda felt a little awkward underneath her gaze even though Liv did nothing but smile calmly at her.
"You probably know I've been in contact with your captain, with Sam, while you were down in Atlanta," Liv said putting it out there and Amanda nodded.
"And I've talked to Barba about the charges Tucker wants to add to your sister's case, to see if we can get rid of them altogether."
"Yeah, I heard, thanks," Amanda said quickly.
"No need to thank me, of course we don't want to let him add fuel to the fire," Liv smiled.
"How is your sister doing?" Liv asked sensing Amanda was tense and wanting her to get a little more relaxed.
"Back on her meds, somewhat detoxed, from the other stuff I mean," Amanda said feeling like she rambled a bit, "not sure how she'll do with the whole being locked up bit but..." She really wasn't sure what to say and she just quiet down.
"No, of course that's always tough. And how are you doing Amanda?"
"I'm... I mean I don't want to see her locked up either but she's where she belongs for the crimes she's committed I guess," Amanda said a little vaguely. Liv nodded like she understood though and Amanda tried to relax a little.
"But how are you doing Amanda," Liv tried again, "I heard there was a bit of tumult at the hospital ward, should you really be working yet?"
"Oh I'm fine," Amanda said straightening up a little, "I just tripped."
"I heard you got knocked over and that you were actually unconscious for a few minutes..."
"It was... nothing, I mean I landed badly that's all. I was checked out and I'm fine," Amanda tried to reassure her, the last thing she wanted right now was to be sent home to an empty apartment where she would be alone with her thoughts.
"Okay but you know you don't have to come rushing back to work," Liv said, "We need you here Amanda, badly and not just cause we're short staffed, you're a valuable part of this squad but I don't want it to be at cost of your health and wellbeing."
Amanda cleared her throat a little, stirring in her seat as she was moved by Liv's words. A valuable part of the squad. She hoped that it wasn't just empty words to make her feel better now that her sister had messed up her life again, that Liv just didn't feel pity for her.
"I really mean that Amanda," Liv said sensing her skepticism, "this squad would not work this efficient without you."
"And not only cause you and Amaro seem to work a little better as a team these days," Liv added as a bit of comic relief and Amanda chuckled awkwardly.
"I'm really glad to see you back Amanda," Liv said seriously, "just take your time though and if you need to go back down to deal with anything regarding your sister, or anything else, just come to me and we'll sort it out okay? And if there's anything I can help you with regarding your sister, or anything else, please just let me know. My door's always open for you Amanda."
"Okay," Amanda said when she realized she had to give Liv some form of response. She felt a little unprepared to receive such praise and from Olivia as well. These last few days had just made her feel vulnerable and as soon as she got a chance she excused herself so she could get back to work and try and put it all behind her.
But with her sister behind bars and an upcoming trial she of course couldn't put it behind her yet, if ever. The legal issues of course meant a few phone calls back and forth since they were in different states. Nick knew Amanda appreciated that her old captain kept an eye on the progress with the case since she couldn't be there herself. He also could figure out that Amanda had trust in her old captain as he caught her more than once getting a little agitated on the phone, when it came to personal stuff she rarely let anyone see just how upset she was.
He remembered last year when her sister had set her up to actually kill her boyfriend. Even behind bars herself Amanda had kept a straight face. It was only when Tucker revealed that they would be going after Kim that she broke down. He would never get his head around why she would want to stick by someone doing something that heinous towards you, family or not it was unforgiveable. But he'd been there in that office as Tucker informed her and her tears had been real as well as her devastation. He'd driven her home afterwards, Cragen in the passenger seat as Amanda had ducked in to the backseat as soon as they reached his car. He hadn't been able to keep from throwing glances at her through the back mirror. She'd kept her head down, face turned slightly outwards but he'd caught her wiping away silent tears ever so often.
But it wasn't just the many phone calls down to Atlanta that gave witness to that something was bothering her. The second night back she woke them both up by sitting up screaming. She was drenched in sweat and when he'd tried to push her to talk to him she retracted to the bathroom for a shower. He'd tried to stay awake while the shower kept running but he must've fallen back to sleep and when he woke up a few hours later she was gone.
The following night she woke him up again, this time by stirring in bed next to him and mumbling words of distress. All he could pick up was 'help' and when she started to silently cry in her sleep he just couldn't bear it any longer and woke her up. She seemed embarrassed and when he just tried to get her to fall back asleep in his safe embrace he could tell she was stiff and after a while she'd excused herself by saying she would get a glass of water. When she hadn't come back twenty minutes later he walked out to find her asleep under a blanket on his couch.
He tried to ask her the following day what the nightmares were about but her initial response was to get a little ticked off which usually meant she had something to hide so he pushed but then she just said they were about her sister being locked away in a scary place with no means to defend herself. He figured that might be the truth, or at least a partial truth, but he thought something else was going on as well. When she stopped staying the night, slipping back to how it was in the beginning of their relationship, getting dressed once they were done in the sack only to sneak back home he knew they had a serious problem at hand.
He'd tried the careful and soft approach and since it wasn't working he decided to go for the hands-on approach. She managed to sneak her panties back on before he sprung to action but then as she tried to push her foot down one of the pants legs he grabbed a hold, preventing her from threading them back on.
"I want you to stay," he said firmly prepared for a fight.
"Stay the night," he said when her eyes turned to him.
"No, I'm going home," she said defiant trying to push her leg down even though he was holding tight around the fabric.
"Why Amanda? Why can't you stay the night?" he asked not letting go.
"Cause you need to sleep, we both need to sleep," she said and to his surprise she sounded less confrontational than he'd prepared himself for. She'd even stopped trying to push her foot through his grip on the leg.
"I sleep better when you're next to me," he said scooting closer to her now that he felt save from being punched by a fist or by those flares that could come out of her eyes at times. She gave him a doubtful look.
"I do," he reassured her, "and maybe you'll have a night without nightmares if you stay here."
He took a gamble, figuring it was nightmares that were behind those dark rings starting to form underneath her eyes. He knew nightmares could be serious but they were still trivial to other worries that started to sneak in as she sneaked out every night. Was she back to gambling again? Had the stress of what was going on with her sister, even though she acted cool about it, made her slip? Was this her subtle way of breaking up with him? He knew, he at least hoped, he was being paranoid and perhaps even a little selfish by making this about him but he couldn't help it, he was worried about where she went once she left his place.
"I don't want to keep you up," she said with a sigh.
"You won't," he said even though he knew that wasn't a promise he could make. He tugged at her jeans, she didn't put up much of a fight and he tossed them back to the floor grabbing hold of her arm instead so he could pull her back to bed. He let her back in underneath the sheet and pulled her back in to him so he could spoon her. He got in really tight, snuggling up, letting his hands go up and down her body a little before he settled with one hand right below her bellybutton and the other one up between her breasts, right above her heart.
He could feel she wasn't relaxing so he started drawing small circles on her stomach as he nestled his nose in to her hair taking a deep whiff filling his inside with her sweet scent. He got back out from her blonde locks so he could get closer to her ear.
"Can you tell me what the nightmares are about?" he asked carefully. She was quiet for a while but then she sighed deeply and whispered;
"Just my sister n' all."
He placed a kiss right by her ear when she didn't say anything more.
"Are you afraid she won't make it on the inside?"
"She's been locked into psych wards before, I dunno, I guess it's a little like prison. She knows how to fight, I just wish I could be by her side."
"You're not planning on getting yourself locked up now are you?" he joked and he heard her blow air through her nose so he knew she'd taken it the right way.
"No," she whispered, "I just wish I could be closer to her."
"Are you thinking about moving back to Atlanta?" he asked trying to keep his voice and himself calm. Just the thought of losing her made his core freeze. She was quiet for a while and he felt himself hold her just a little bit tighter.
"No," she finally said though and he was able to breathe again.
"I couldn't go back there," she added. He would've preferred to hear she didn't want to leave him, that he was the reason she didn't want to leave New York but he feared it was more someone she didn't want to face in Atlanta again. Someone that might scare her to the point she was even willing to leave her sister fighting for herself.
"Why not?" he dared to ask. He was ready for her to pull away but she just laid still, maybe there was a slight hiccup in her breathing.
"I just don't want to go back," she whispered.
"Cause you'd miss me," he smiled wanting to cheer her up a little and he felt the chuckle in her body so he knew he'd succeeded.
"All of me or just parts of me?" he teased.
"Parts and all," she answered.
"Good answer," he said putting his lips on her skin again. A few minutes passed but he could feel her body was nowhere near relaxed enough to go to sleep.
"But there's someone you don't want to face, that you don't want to work alongside back in Atlanta right?" he asked.
"I thought you wanted to sleep," she said and he recognized the tone in her voice. The tone that told him to tread lightly but he loved her enough to try and push just a little further.
"I want you to feel better," he said.
"And sleep will do that," she argued.
"Sleep without nightmares yes," he said and got an immediate response as she tried to pull away.
"I told you I could sleep at home," she said trying to get up.
"That's not what I meant," he said holding her down. He wanted to see her face, wanted to connect with her but he knew that would pressure her even more and then he might not be able to keep her there.
"Amanda, please just…" he said but didn't have to go on as she stopped trying to get lose and just relaxed back against him breathing hard. He took a few breaths as he carefully eased up a little on his tight grip on her. He would be very disappointed if she ran now but he knew he couldn't keep her there with force if she didn't want to, he could and would never cage her.
"I think you need to talk to someone," he said.
"We're talking," she said and he could almost hear her pouting her lips.
"Yes and that's great but I think you need to talk to someone who can make these nightmares go away."
"I'm just worried about my sister," she tried.
"I'm sure they're triggered by that but there's more here Amanda, things you need to talk about and I would love to be the one you talk to but if not… than someone."
"Can we just sleep," she asked sounding miserable.
"Sure but just know… I want you to be able to sleep but if you can't for any reason I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you and a nightmare won't change that. I love you," he repeated and placed one last kiss behind her ear before he lay down comfortable behind her.
He had one arm underneath her and the other one resting over her with his hand wrapped slightly around her arm. He watched the back of her head for a while, felt her torso rise and fall with every shallow breath. She was still tense and he was afraid to close his eyes as he feared she wouldn't be there when he opened them back up.
Amanda was scared. It was a rather unfamiliar feeling for her. Not many things in life scared her and here she was afraid to fall asleep next to probably the sweetest and most caring person she had ever had in her life. He didn't deserve either her anger or anxiety. She tried to bite down the negative thoughts that tried to take over her head. The 'I'm not girlfriend material' thoughts, the 'I'm only good for a lay' and 'I'm nothing but a slut'. She pinched her eyes shut, tried to hum a song in her head without actually humming so he wouldn't think she was more screwed up than what he already must think.
But he'd said he loved her, even after all of this. Even after knowing how screwed up her family was. Even after he'd learnt she'd been willing to go down on her knees to save her job, her life. He'd invited her in to get to know his daughter better. He wanted to wine and dine her. He wanted to be her boyfriend. Despite everything. She had to at least try to reward him for all of that and the only thing he asked for right now was for her to sleep next to him. She could try that.
He felt her scoot backwards after a while, folding herself in to his body and he welcomed her, wrapping his arm tighter around her and again his face nestled up in her hair. She latched on to his hand with one of hers and her feet entangled with his. She made herself comfortable in his arms and she just focused on his breathing, tried to copy his calm breathing to make herself relax and it worked.
Twice he felt her jolt slightly as she was pulled back from the sleep she so desperately needed but there wasn't a third time and soon she was resting calmly in his arms. He didn't follow her immediately but instead tried to think about what else he could do to get her to open up about whatever it was that troubled her. He could shower her with love and affection but he wasn't sure that it was enough. What if he wasn't enough? He fell asleep with a troubled mind.
She wouldn't get a peaceful sleep. A few hours later he woke up by her stirring and mumbling in her sleep. When he managed to get his eyes open he found her still in his arms but she'd rolled over and faced him now. He immediately got his hand on the side of her head and started stroking her gently, whispering soft words of reassurance that everything was okay, that she was safe. She calmed down quickly but he kept talking to her until her eyes stopped stirring underneath her eyelids. When she was back to snoozing calmly he pulled her in tighter and soon drifted off to sleep again.
The next day Amanda knocked on Liv's open door at a time where the boys were out of the squad room.
"Yeah?" Liv said looking up and got a kind smile on her face when she saw Amanda standing there.
"You got a minute?" Amanda asked trying to not sound as nervous as she was.
"Of course, come in, close the door," Liv said dropping whatever she had in her hands to give Amanda her full attention.
"It will only take a minute," Amanda said not really wanting to close the door. Liv picked up on Amanda's stress, the slight bite on her lip and her churning hands were rather obvious giveaways. Taking a closer look on her Liv also registered the darkness underneath her eyes and now Liv got an eerie feeling in her gut. Was she back to gambling?
"If I, I mean," Amanda started but then took a deep breath, shot Liv a brief crocked smile and then tried again collecting some courage literally from her feet up as she shot them a quick glance.
"If I wanted to see doctor Olivet again…?"
"Yeah?" Liv said sounding surprised, it was probably the last thing she'd expected to hear.
"Would you... sign off on…" Amanda felt so awkward asking but Liv would help her out.
"Of course, for sure," Liv said trying to not sound too excited. But the fact was she was. Happy that Amanda willingly wanted to visit the therapist, it was most definitely a step in the right direction.
"I'll sign off on how many sessions you like, just let me know. I'll do it right away. Do you want me to set up an appointment or will you…"
"I'll do it, and I was just thinking like one session maybe," Amanda said sounding as awkward as she felt.
"You don't have to decide that right now," Liv said, "Can I ask you though, is there something troubling you? Something I can help with?"
Amanda took a quick bite of her lip looking down on her hands.
"No it's just, my sister and all, I'm having some trouble sleeping," Amanda confided to her.
"You're worrying about how she's holding up down there?" Liv suggested and Amanda nodded.
"I heard she's leaning towards taking the deal," Liv said and again Amanda nodded.
"They've offered her two years if she gives up her dealer and some other people she's been hanging around the last couple of months. Barba got Tucker to drop all charges, even the federal offense for avoiding prosecution somehow," Amanda let her know.
"That's something. Can she handle two years behind bars?"
"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time," Amanda said quietly shooting Liv an awkward smile.
"Truth," Liv said smiling back but quickly got serious again, "Can you handle her behind bars for two years?"
Amanda gave her a look shrugging slightly.
"Do I have a choice?" she said trying to smile. Olivia felt bad for her, she knew all too well what it was like to have a troublesome sibling.
"I think it's a very good thing that you want to see Olivet again and my door is always open as well."
"Thanks," Amanda said shooting a glance over her shoulder as she heard a voice reminding of her partner's. It was him and Nick walking back in and Amanda excused herself from Liv's office.
Amanda mentioned in passing to Nick that she was going to see doctor Olivet again and, just like Olivia, he tried to keep his excitement over this on the inside and just gave her a brief acknowledgement that he heard and approved of the news.
Olivet were able to see her rather quickly which Amanda wasn't sure how to deal with. As usual she would've preferred to put it off just a bit, maybe to the point it just disappeared. But then here she was, outside the doctor's office and she tried to stop herself from feeling so darn nervous. You've been shot for darn sake, you can face a therapist. You've faced her before, she was no match. But she was nervous. Nervous as hell and she wiped her palms on her pants taking another lap further down the corridor as she readied herself to enter Olive's office.
"Amanda, there you are," Olivet said popping her head out in the corridor. Amanda instinctively brought her wrist up to check the time but as so many times before got reminded she didn't wear an arm watch any longer.
"Am I late?" Amanda said taking a few steps closer to her.
"On the dot, usually I find my clients in the waiting room though," Olivet said smiling.
"Oh, right," Amanda said a bit distracted as Olivet gestured her to step inside.
"I'm happy to see you here Amanda," Olivet said as they walked in to her office.
"Really doc? Don't I always bring trouble," Amanda said feeling uncomfortable as she sat down on the now familiar couch.
"Don't you know by now I feed on trouble," Olivet said sitting down and Amanda couldn't help but smile at the doctor's attempt to sound somewhat evil. She was pretty much the definition of not evil.
"So it's been… two months since I saw you last right," Olivet said with a bit of hesitance flipping to a blank page in her notebook in her lap. Amanda nodded even though she wasn't sure if that was correct or not. Olivet could tell by Amanda's body language that she was tense and she decided to do a little digging since the detective didn't seem all that keen to talk.
"And I haven't been sent a case report on you detective so I take it your visit's not immediately correlated to a major incident at work?"
Amanda didn't answer though, just shot her a glance looking a bit petrified.
"Is your visit related to your prior predicament...," Olivet tried.
"My sister," Amanda said suddenly, "you know from last year." Olivet nodded.
"She was arrested, in Atlanta. She's going to prison."
"Oh," Olivet said recollecting everything from her first encounter with the detective. She'd gone over the file a few days ago when the detective called out of the blue to set up another appointment. Olivet had looked the file over this morning again. She liked working for NYPD, not all her clients came from that assignment but some of her more interesting clients did. Olivet had always had a preference for the tougher clients, the ones that had shields up that seemed built out of armored steel and were ten miles wide. The ones that kept their guard up and let you really work for your money. The ones that could bite back hard once you just got close enough to sniff something of importance to get to what really troubled them. Olivet liked the challenge and Amanda was absolutely a challenge.
Olivet asked her to fill her in a little more about what had happen since her sister got arrested and Amanda told her about going back home for a couple of days, about the charges and about what looked to be the outcome of the deal her sister had agreed to.
"And where are you in the middle of all this Amanda?" Olivet asked once Amanda went quiet. Amanda looked a bit confused.
"How are you dealing with everything? I can imagine this would bring up memories from the shooting… No?" Olivet asked as Amanda shook her head.
"He had a gun, he went for it even though he knew I was a cop. He forced my hand," Amanda said sounding a bit disconnected just as she'd done a year ago.
"How did the meeting with your sister go? Cause you haven't talked or seen her in over a year right?" Amanda shook her head.
"No I haven't but… it went well."
"Well? Care to elaborate," Olivet asked. Amanda sighed and then told her about how her sister had been off her meds and high on meth instead. How she'd been restrained to a bed in the psych ward as good 'ol times. Amanda managed to sound very callous but Olivet knew to see through that by now. The more callous she sounded the more it hurt so this obviously hurt.
"I'm not here to talk about my sister though," Amanda said suddenly as Olivet tried to probe.
"No? What brings you here Amanda," Olivet asked intrigued. She wondered if it was just a way to get off the topic but would quickly learn it wasn't.
"I've been having trouble sleeping, it's starting to affect my work and… my relationship."
Olivet just nodded. This was the first time she'd heard about any relationship. She was a little curious, was it a guy? Or a girl? The gender wasn't really important but the thought struck Olivet along with how Amanda functioned in a twosome. She just seemed so independent Olivet wondered if that caused friction when it came to trusting her partner.
"I was faced… or confronted I guess with something when I went back home. Within the department that I transferred out of."
Olivet waited for something else but Amanda seemed to have trouble going further.
"It really isn't a big deal," Amanda said taking a deep breath trying to shake this ridiculous anxiety. She tried to rearrange herself on the couch a little, find a more comfortable spot but she just couldn't find one and finally gave up. Olivet was watching her the whole time and once Amanda realized she shook her head a little. This was stupid. Just get it out.
"I… was ass…" she couldn't even say the word and had to start over, "assaulted back in Atlanta. By my deputy chief. It wasn't serious, I mean he was drunk, it was easy to fight him off. It's just, I've slept around… a lot. I'm not proud of it but I won't make excuses for it, I enjoy sex and just because I'm a woman I shouldn't have to feel bad about that." Amanda went quiet, eyes somewhere in the distance as she seemed caught up in her own thoughts.
"Amanda," Olivet said calling her back to the room, "I agree with everything you just said, your sexuality is your own business and no one else's. Something tells me though that you have doubts…" Olivet quiet down as Amanda started to shake her head.
"I don't, it's just… he trapped me… said things."
"What things?" Olivet asked when Amanda stopped talking again. Amanda looked miserable when she looked back up at the doctor.
"Just talk to me Amanda," Olivet asked.
"He'd made advances towards me in the past, as towards most women in the Atlanta PD," she said with an eye roll, "He'd seen me walk out of bars with other men. Never a cop though, I knew to stay away from that but when my squad… prowled, I did too and I could take their heat, I was one of the guys but with… he didn't like it. He ran his mouth for a long time in that… room. He wouldn't let me leave. He said I was a worthless cop, that was easy to shake off though, I know I can be a good cop when I don't… let other things distract me," she smiled awkwardly at Olivet.
"His words," Amanda said stocking up a little, "It's his words I hear at night."
"What did he say to you?"
"He said I was a slut, that I was only good for a lay. That everyone saw me as white trash and that every cop talked behind my back. He got crude, or cruder after a while. He said I should be taught a lesson. Get raped, gangbanged, that he was sure my squad would learn me a lesson one day and do me like they all fantasized about. My squad was not like that and I had enough, I wanted to get out of there."
"But he wouldn't let you," Olivet said to which Amanda frowned.
"But I did get out, eventually," Amanda said.
"What happen before you managed to get out Amanda?"
"I told you, it was nothing. I don't need to talk about that, I just want to get him out of my head."
"Did the assault have any effect on your sexual activity?"
"No, or yeah I guess I got a little guarded for a while but when I was back in the saddle… so to speak… it was like nothing had happen."
"You never talked to anyone about the assault?"
"Can we just not call it an assault, it was… just like a misdemeanor I guess, nothing serious."
"I think it's important we call it what it was Amanda," Olivet explained.
"You don't know what it was, I haven't told you what happen," Amanda countered quickly.
"Would you like to tell me then?" Olivet challenged. Amanda bit her lip, looking very defiant.
"Fine, call it an assault, and I talked to my old captain about it, like a bit. Someone saw me… coming out of there and he told him so he approached me about it the next day."
"Did you file charges?"
"It was not worth pursuing," Amanda said slowly and almost mechanically.
"According to whom?" Olivet asked and Amanda got a frown on her face. She thought about it, tried to recall how that conversation with her captain had gone down.
"I guess it was my captain who said that," Amanda mumbled.
"Did you want to report it?" Olivet asked.
"No," Amanda answered immediately and sounded like it was obvious.
"But if your captain would've encouraged you to do it, would you then have reported the assault?"
"I dunno, maybe," Amanda said finding it a little hard to breathe all of a sudden, "I fled the scene though. I showered. I got rid of my clothes. I did everything wrong."
Olivet watched her closely. The doctor's intense eyes bothering her as something seemed to grow inside of her, blocking off her breathing and the feeling to her hands and legs.
"I think I need to get out of here," Amanda whispered and tried to get up off the couch but her legs felt numb and wouldn't carry her.
"Please," Olivet said getting out on the edge of her chair holding out her arm like to prevent Amanda from leaving even though she was too far away to reach her.
"Just sit back Amanda, we don't have to talk about this right now, not right now," Olivet said calmly having seen Amanda losing all color around her lips which along with the obvious lack of function to her extremities told Olivet she was having a physical reaction to whatever repressed trauma she'd sustained during the assault.
"Just breathe," Olivet said as Amanda stopped trying to get off the couch. The doctor got up and walked over to one corner of the room where she had a water cooler. She filled a glass for Amanda and came back over placing it in front of her on the table. Amanda felt if possible even more embarrassed but she really needed that water and reached for it as soon as the doctor backed away. Even though it was just water it hurt going down her pipe. The second time around it felt a little less painful to swallow and by the third try she could just enjoy the fresh feeling the water gave her.
"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled when she placed the glass back on the table.
"There's no need to apologize Amanda," Olivet said calmly. She gave Amanda another minute to just breathe but when she could tell Amanda was getting fidgety under her watchful eye she spoke again.
"So, your sleep problems," Olivet said, "are we talking insomnia or nightmares."
"The latter," Amanda answered still feeling embarrassed about flipping out.
"Okay, every night?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.
"Can you tell me about them? What you see and hear," Olivet asked. Amanda looked unwilling to share but then reluctantly told the doctor about the scenes of her nightmares, it was either a cramp place or a dark, narrow alley. About the voice echoing against the walls and the threat that she knew was lurking nearby but that she couldn't see. At times the walls had barred windows, like cages and she saw her sister behind the bars. Sometimes it was her mom or dad, her old squad, her captain, her new squad, all of them rattling the cages adding to the eerie feeling the voice already caused. She usually woke up before the threat got to her but at times she didn't. Olivet asked carefully what happened when the threat got to her but Amanda got agitated, stirring in her seat, churning her hands and biting the inside of her cheek. Olivet urged her to talk, said something profound about her being safe.
"I get raped okay, I get raped," Amanda's breathing was strained.
"Did you get raped Amanda?" Olivet asked.
"Did the deputy chief rape you Amanda?" she clarified when Amanda just looked at her.
"No," Amanda said distraught, "I told you no, he didn't."
"Okay," Olivet said to calm her down, "Okay, I had to ask Amanda but I believe you if you say no."
"You didn't the first time," Amanda mumbled as she calmed down. Olivet was scribbling something down on her pad and didn't bite.
"Do you wake up screaming? Sweating?" Olivet asked instead and Amanda nodded.
"Out of breath, and like I just want to cry," Amanda added.
"And do you? Cry?"
"What good would crying do?" Amanda mumbled.
"Crying can be cleansing, sometimes you just need to get stuff out and if you can't talk about them then crying can be a start."
Amanda just looked at the doctor with doubtful eyes. She didn't want to cry, she'd done enough crying alone in the dark so that no one would see her weakness.
"You mentioned you were in a relationship, do you wake this person up too?" Olivet asked when Amanda stayed quiet. Amanda nodded.
"When I'm at his place, I've started sleeping more at my place again just to let at least him sleep."
"Have you talked to him about the nightmares? Does he know why you feel you can't sleep next to him?"
"He knows."
"And what does he say about it?"
"He's the one who said I had to go see you," Amanda said sounding a little timid.
"I like him already," Olivet said and lured Amanda to smile at least briefly.
"Does he know why you have nightmares?"
"He knows about my sister."
"But not the assault?" Olivet asked but Amanda stayed quiet, looking down on her hands in her lap.
"Is he someone you would be able to talk to about what happen?"
"He's absolutely the person you can talk to," Amanda said without looking at the doctor, "I'm not that person though."
"Says who?" Olivet asked but Amanda just shrugged.
"What do you think would happen if you told him what happen?"
Again Amanda just shrugged.
"Try to give me an answer Amanda. What do you think would happen if you told him about the assault?"
"He would get angry at the creep but he'd be happy I told him," Amanda said quietly.
"And how do you think you'd feel if you told him?"
The question made Amanda look up at the doctor with pensive eyes.
He knew she'd been at the doctor's office that afternoon and he hadn't expected to see or hear from her. He would've sent her a text later on but he didn't have to as she suddenly showed up at his door. He didn't ask if something was wrong since it was already written on her face. Her eyes were puffy in the morning or when she'd cried and since he knew she probably hadn't slept at the doctor's office or after it he figured their state right now were caused by tears.
Instead of debriefing her about the session he asked her if she was hungry and when she nodded he got a little more pasta on the stove. The protein just had to be sufficient enough for both of them since he didn't have any more but he got her to chop up a little more vegetables. He stole a kiss before they got started with the food and then he stole another one right before they sat down to eat.
She was unusually quiet during the meal but the silence weren't awkward. He could tell she was thoughtful and he enjoyed being able to eat a meal while just holding on to her hand. They watched some TV and when whatever was on lost their attention they started making out on the couch. She wasn't her eager self though but just let her hands stay above his waist and he didn't complain. He could stay locked to her mouth for all eternity, and to feel her that close, even with clothes on, made him feel like everything was alright in the world.
He figured they spent almost two hours on the couch making out before his phone interrupted them. They both threw a look at the watch on the TV, both realizing who was calling and Amanda pulled away so he could say good night to his daughter. This was one of those rare times though when he reluctantly reached for the phone. He wanted to talk to his daughter of course but he also didn't want to stop what they'd been doing for the last couple of hours.
He reached for his phone at the same time as he grabbed a hold of Amanda's ankle as she slid further away from him on the couch. He didn't want her to leave but he relaxed a little as she just seemed to slump back in the other corner of the couch. He left his hand on her foot as he answered the phone. He spent most of the call throwing glances Amanda's way feeling a little bad when his daughter had to repeat for a third time something she was trying to tell her dad.
Amanda could probably tell she was distracting him as she got up out of the couch and walked in to the kitchen. He figured it was a way to get him focused but it only made it worse since he was afraid she would leave his apartment. Zara of course asked about Amanda and wanted to talk to her once she learnt she was there. Nick wasted no time following Amanda in to the kitchen and he found her just sitting on one of the counters with her legs folded in front of her.
"She wants to talk to you," Nick whispered in case Amanda didn't feel up to it but she reached out to grab the phone from him.
"Hi Zara," she smiled in to the phone.
"Amanda, hi," Zara said on the other line and sounded just as happy.
"Guess what?" Zara said.
"What?"
"I'm going to start guitar lessons this fall," Zara blurted out.
"That's great, how fun," Amanda acknowledged since she could hear the girl was over the moon about this.
"Yes, there's this…" Zara continued to tell her about who the teacher was and where the lessons would take place and that she would get to borrow a guitar until she knew if she wanted to continue or not cause then mom had told her she could get one of her own.
Amanda tried to acknowledge whatever Zara said but it got a little trickier as the kid's father did his best to distract her with his mouth slowly and as silently as possible explored her neck as his hands got a little up inside her top. She finally pushed him off her slightly, giving him a stern look to get him to realize he was a distraction. He smiled though letting his hands stay on her but he did let her neck be.
Once she'd told Zara that she could actually play the guitar pretty well, promised to help her practice some and said good night she handed the phone back over to him. Nick let his daughter talk some more but then said it was time for her to go to bed. Amanda got caught a little by surprised as Nick planted a wet one right on her mouth but got the explanation as he let her know that was a good night kiss from Zara. She could even hear the girl giggle through the phone and cursed her blushing cheeks a little as she tried to get away from Nick's smiling face as he'd obviously seen her blush and was now fingering her cheek.
"Okay, good night sweetheart, sweat dreams," he finally said and hung up. He caught her lips the moment he'd let the phone go on the counter and he pulled her out a little on the counter so he could get closer to her. His hands were on her back underneath the top and he fingered her bra strap a little.
"Will you stay the night," he mumbled in to her mouth wanting to know if he would get the pleasure to share a bed with her tonight or if she'd retract back to her place later on. When she didn't answer he let her mouth go to make sure everything was okay.
"Hey," he whispered pulling her face back up with a finger underneath her chin. She hadn't been herself all night and it wasn't necessarily a problem but he wouldn't except her shying away at a time when he was already having a hard time reading her.
"Can we just sleep?" she asked, her eyes still trying to shy away from him.
"Of course," he said though and made it possible for her to look at him.
"Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed right now?" he asked and she nodded directly not having to put much time in to it since she felt bushed.
"Okay, let's get ready for bed then," he said grabbing on to her hand, helping her slide down from the counter top. He turned off the light before they left the kitchen and then she followed him around as he turned off the lights in the apartment. Still hand in hand he took her in to the bedroom, further in to the bathroom and then let her go so he could put toothpaste on her toothbrush that stood next to his. He even put it in underneath the water before he handed it to her and she smiled at him as she put it in her mouth. He fixed his own toothbrush and then they stood there just brushing their teeth in silence throwing each other a smile whenever they caught each other's eyes in the mirror.
Once they were done he let her have the bathroom for a while as he went out to pull the cover off the bed. He quickly change into a new pair of boxers and for once put another tee back on just to not show too much flesh now that they would only be sleeping. When she was done in the bathroom he went in and meanwhile she got one of his tees that he'd placed in her drawer so she'd have something to sleep in if she felt like it. She left her panties on and then crawled down between the sheets.
He found her curled up underneath the sheets when he walked out of the bathroom and he carefully climbed over her to his side of the bed and then laid down.
"Do you mind?" he asked as he scooted closer to her and only put his arm over her once she'd shook her head. He snuggled up to her and since any place next to her was comfortable he relaxed down quickly. She seemed relaxed too but he could tell from her breathing she wasn't falling asleep immediately. He found her hand and entwined his fingers with hers. He kept listening to her breathing until he drifted off to sleep.
He wasn't sure what time it was when he woke up but he knew she wasn't there in the bed next to him. When his hand reached out on the empty spot, dragging his palm up and down a little where her form had been last he'd seen her, he could feel the sheet was a little damp. He felt the pillow and thought he could feel the same slight dampness there as well. Shit, she had a nightmare, he thought to himself getting up on one elbow, angry that he hadn't woken up.
He got a little relieved as he saw her clothes still folded on the chair by the wall and he quickly got up off the bed. The bathroom was still so he walked out into the living room instead immediately spotting her at the dining table on a chair and with a glass of water in front of her. She'd put the light on in the corner so he easily picked up on her messy hair and her fingers fidgeting a little on the table and around the glass.
She spotted him walking over and tried a smile but he could tell she had to really make an effort to be able to produce something relating to a smile. He also had a little trouble smiling right now as he was very worried about her but he did his best and he planted a kiss on top of her messy hair before he took a seat opposite her.
She had a hard time looking at him and when she got the glass up to have some more water he could tell she was still shaky. When she put the glass down she took a deep breath.
"Do you…" she started, her voice barely a whisper but as the room, and the world outside, were completely still he had no problem hearing her.
"Do you want to know what happen to me in Atlanta?" she asked, her eyes coming up underneath her bangs to meet his.
"Yes, if you want to tell me, I would really want to know," he said sliding his hand in underneath hers on the table. He just let his hand rest there, his fingertips just barely touching her palm. Her eyes had gone with his hand and he just waited for her to make a move or say something. She looked pale, her lips looked as though they'd lost almost all color. All he wanted to do was to hold her and tell her everything would be okay.
But he couldn't promise that. He couldn't promise her the moon and the stars until she was willing to receive them. Before she was ready to invite him in to that darkest part of her, before he knew what was prowling there he wouldn't be able to fix it or protect her from it.
When she finally wrapped her fingers around his hand he felt allowed to do the same and he held on to her hand like he wanted to hold on to all of her, with love and without doubt of his commitment to her. His heart almost stopped as her eyes came up to meet his again. Those eyes of hers could stop hearts from beating with their beauty. He pushed that to the side now though as he had to focus on what he hoped would come out of her mouth.
He watched her swallow. He watched her wet her lips and then clear her throat. He didn't make a sound. And then she nodded.
"I want to tell you," she whispered, "I want to tell you what happen to me…"
