A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers. Just to clarify Rayna talking to Toby and Deacon in the kitchen with Maddie and Daphne is happening at the same time.
Chapter 12
"When it comes to my daddy, it's hard to explain things. He was a complex man. He was just as mean as he was complex when he wanted to be. Even when my momma was alive I don't remember him bein' really warm and cuddly. From what I'm told, despite how close he and my sister were, I was the apple of his eye. Tandy told me that he would sit at his desk in his home office and bounce me on his knee when I was little. That I would run to him when he walked in the door and he'd scoop me up in his arms. Accordin' to her everythin' that made him love me when I was little drove him nuts when I got older." Rayna reclined on the couch in Toby's office.
"And what was that?" Toby looked up from the notes he was making.
"That I'm like my momma. He loved her a hell of a lot more than she ever loved him. After she was a gone I was just a painful reminder." Rayna told him.
"I'm gonna ask the annoying shrink questions right now. How does that make you feel?" Toby made some more notes.
Rayna clenched her teeth and sighed. Her breath made a hissing sound. "It probably led to me makin' the biggest mistake of my life. He threw me outta the house at sixteen. It made me determined that if I ever had a daughter she was gonna know that she was a princess to her daddy. That was part of the reason that I didn't tell Deacon about Maddie. I wanted any child I had to know they were the apple of their daddy's eye."
"That's a reasonable expectation." Toby commented.
"I got that with Teddy. I can't say that he didn't adore both those girls, but there was always something missin' with his relationship with Maddie. I'm not sayin' that he didn't love her. He adored that little girl. I guess I was the one with the problem. There were times when I would imagine Deacon in his place." Rayna admitted.
"When you see Deacon with the girls how does that make you feel?" Toby scratched his beard.
"He's incredible with them. He's everythin' that every girl could want in a daddy. Except he's a dad now and not a daddy. He missed the fun part. He's doin' the hard part and he's doin' a damn good job of it. He's the daddy I needed when I was their age. He doesn't try to shape them into what he wants them to be. He tries to understand them. Apparently, at one point my daddy and I were close. I wish I could remember it." Rayna shrugged.
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Back at the house, Deacon, Maddie, and Daphne were having a water fight in the kitchen. It had started out with Maddie putting too much soap in the breakfast dishes and it had escalated from there. He was spraying both the girls with the hose from the sink.
He was aware that they were running behind schedule, but this was fun and light. It was exactly what they needed. They had been through a lot of bullshit over the last few months. If Daphne was late for school and Maddie was late to the office, then so be it. He was going to do something to make sure that his girls were enjoying themselves.
"Dad!" Both girls complained loudly.
"You want me to stop you're gonna have to come stop me." Deacon laughed at him.
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"You said that your father was complex, but that wasn't really elaborate." Toby looked over the top of his glasses at Rayna.
"He was shrewd, ruthless, and hard. I don't remember him showing me or Tandy a lot of affection. If you wanted his love you had to live your life according to his plan. I was never gonna do that. We butted heads constantly. Like I said, I'm just like my momma. About the only thing I got from him was my ambition. Other than that we weren't a thing a like and we didn't get along after I turned fifteen." Rayna clarified.
"Do you want me to tell you what I think or do you want to tell me what I think?" Toby arched his eyebrow.
"Toby, I can't begin to understand what goes on in that head of yours." Rayna scoffed.
"I think that you are more like your father than you realize. There are parts of you that can be cold and business like and you hate it. You try to shut those parts down. You do a pretty good job of it. And I think that's how you rationalize some of the tough decisions you have to make." Toby observed.
"I'm not a damn thing like him, Toby." Rayna protested.
"Fundamentally, no, you're not anything like him. However, I do think you have qualities in common with him." Toby knew that statement was going to go over like a lead balloon.
"I have never been anything, but warm and loving with my children. I've been present even when I was out on tour. They haven't gone a day wondering whether I love them or not." Rayna clenched her jaw.
"I think you have the same issues with control that accuse your father of having." Toby stated bluntly.
"I do not." Rayna crossed her arms over her chest.
"Then whose fault was it that Maddie got emancipated? Whose fault was it that you let her think Teddy was her father? Whose fault was your first accident? Why'd you jump into a relationship with another man so fast without fixing the one with the man you'd loved since before you knew what love was? Why'd you agree to this business deal with Zach?" Toby threw a bunch of questions at her.
"Every decision I've made has been for my girls." Rayna seethed.
"That's the line you like to hide behind anyway." Toby challenged her.
"Then tell me how I think and feel." Rayna spit back at him.
"Whose fault was any of it, Rayna? Maddie's emancipation? Your first accident? You lying about her paternity?" Toby's voice rose a little bit.
"This is ridiculous. I don't have to answer that question. I've given my girls a good life." Rayna got louder.
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Maddie opened the fridge and took out two cans of whipped cream. She tossed one of them to Daphne. "Let's get him, Daph."
"Now, this is hardly fair, ya'll. Two against one. All I did was squirt ya with a little water." Deacon backed up against the counter.
"We can take him." Daphne charged towards Deacon. She sprayed the front of his flannel shirt with whipped cream.
Maddie attacked him from the other side.
"That's it! I've had it with ya'll." Deacon threw soap suds from the sink on them.
The girls erupted in a batch of giggles.
"Now, look at the mess ya'll made in here. If you mother saw this she'd skin us all alive." Deacon was hit with a sharp pang in his chest. His wife was supposed to be here by his side for this.
He knew that she was at the best place for her right now, but it didn't make it any easier. They'd been deprived of years of these family moments. Now was supposed to be their time together. Now they were supposed to be able to enjoy the good stuff that had eluded them for so long.
"Let's take a picture and send it to her." Maddie suggested. She had picked up on the pain behind her father's words.
"Yeah, that's a great idea." Daphne chirped.
"Alright, why not?" Deacon agreed. He put his arm around each of them and posed for a selfie that Maddie took on her phone.
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"Don't answer the question. I don't care either way. I'm not the one who needs to get better." Toby yelled.
"I don't know what you want from me." Rayna stood up. She was a lot steadier on her feet now. The intensive PT had done wonders for her.
"I want an honest answer from you. That's what I want. You say you want to get better, but you fight me every step of the way and not in a good way." Toby shot back.
"There's no way for me to answer any of those questions." Rayna shook her head in denial.
"Yes, there is. You just don't want to answer them. Whose fault was everything I just mentioned?" Toby kept picking at her.
"Deacon! Ok? It was Deacon's fault!" Rayna screamed.
"That's it get mad. That's exactly what I want from you. Because if he'd have been able to stay sober you would have told him about Maddie. When you saw that the fifth rehab was gonna stick you wanted to tell him, but you knew he'd get drunk and he proved you right. The judge wouldn't have granted the emancipation if Deacon hadn't beat the living shit out of Frankie. And you damn sure wouldn't have been in the first accident if he hadn't gotten drunk after finding out he had a daughter." Toby stood up behind his desk and leaned over it.
"Is that what you wanted to hear?" Rayna asked him.
"Not even close. That's not what I wanted to hear at all. I'll be the first to tell you that your husband was a first-rate drunk back in the day, but it can't all be his fault." Toby moved from behind his desk and stood in front of her.
"Then what do you want to hear?" Rayna would tell him whatever he wanted to hear if it meant she was one step closer to getting out of this place. She wanted to go home to her family.
"I want you to be real with me for five minutes, Taylor Swift. We both know that there was another answer at the tip of your tongue, but you went with the safe answer. Just like you always play it safe." Toby called her out.
"Taylor Swift?" Rayna arched her eyebrow at him.
"Yeah, you know damn well what that means." Toby stared her down.
"No, I don't." Rayna scoffed.
"Whose fault was it, Rayna?" Toby repeated.
"I don't know," Rayna answer flatly.
"Whose fault was it?" Toby's voice was elevated again.
"I just told you I don't know." Rayna screamed back at him.
Toby rubbed his eyebrows using his index finger and thumb. "Ok, let me ask you this. How'd your mother die?" He switched tactics.
"A car accident, you know that. I don't see what this has to do with what we're discussing." Rayna looked bewildered.
"Whose fault is it?" Toby started hammering her again.
Rayna's phone buzzed and she looked at it. She smiled at the picture of her family covered in whipped cream and soap suds, her daughters both soaking wet. She took a deep breath.
"Whose fault is it, Rayna?" Toby didn't let up.
"Mine, ok? It's mine! That's what you wanted to hear. That's what I wanted to say! It's my damn fault!" Rayna yelled at him.
"That's right. It's your fault. Deacon is an addict, but you stayed with him. I've heard the line you fed me from his former sponsor about he wasn't going to get clean as long as you stayed with him. Jesus, you've got a God complex to rival that of most surgeons. You had no control of whether he got clean or not. None of the other programs worked for him, because they addressed the drinking and not the things that caused the drinking. I fixed that, not you. And he's the one who had to put in the work." Toby retorted.
"I was scared he was going to drink himself to death." Rayna spoke through clenched teeth.
"You have control issues. You want to control everything. And when you're not in control and things don't go the right way you take that as proof that your way is the right way and everyone should have listened to you. Deacon was bad, I'll give you that, but you put up with it. You don't get a medal for staying with him so long. You were driving the car when you got hit. You made a conscious choice not to tell him he had a daughter. Instead of owning that you got engaged to a man you didn't really love or want to be with for that matter." Toby broke it down for her.
"So?" Rayna asked him.
"So, why do you think this thing with your stalker has affected you this way? By all accounts you handled it perfectly. You came out the winner in that one. It was scary I'll give you that, but it shouldn't have this effect on you. I'm not saying you're a control freak, I'm saying that you need to be in control. There is a difference." Toby explained to her.
"He victimized me and I'm no one's victim." Rayna wobbled on her feet and broke down crying.
"Ok, easy does it." Toby helped her onto the couch. "Just take deep breaths and get your composure back. Take as long as you need."
Rayna took a few minutes to get herself under control. "I had no idea how why that affected me so much. You cracked it."
"And why do you need to be in control?" Toby asked her.
"Because, I felt like I lost control of everything when my momma died." Rayna answered that one easily.
Toby broke out into a broad grin. "Congratulations, Rayna, you just had a breakthrough. Let's see what PT has to say about you and I'm comfortable releasing you for outpatient therapy."
"Really?" Rayna smiled.
"Really, I didn't mean to hammer you so hard, but it was the only way I was going to get you to see the light." Toby offered her an apology of sorts.
"I'm stubborn. I need someone just as stubborn. I'm sure your brother told you that about me." Rayna dried her tears with the hanky he'd given her.
"Another difference between me and my brother. You pay him to be nice to you. You pay me to tell you the cold, hard truth." Toby shrugged his shoulders.
"Believe it or not I pay him for the same thing. Sometimes he's the only one who can talk me down from a ledge." Rayna admitted.
"And he's very loyal. It was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything about Deacon that would be helpful when I first started treating him." Toby informed her.
Rayna thought that over for a minute. "You really think Maddie's emancipation wasn't his fault?"
"No, it wasn't his fault. In his shoes I would have done the same damn thing. The program is sacred. The way it works is any sins you admit to in that circle is tantamount to telling a doctor, a lawyer, or a priest. It shouldn't leave the room and be used against you in a court of law. That so-called sponsor of his should have known better. He was provoked and his prior bad acts shouldn't have been used against him. I'm not so sure that the judge wasn't paid off. There should have been a home study or something first. A normal judge would have removed him from the home before they removed Maddie." Toby answered her.
"At the risk of givin' you a bigger head than you already have, but I feel better already. You must be pretty good at your job." Rayna laughed softly.
"I'm very good at my job. I think it helps that I used to snort about a thousand bucks of coke up my nose at a time just because I could it gives me perspective." Toby shrugged.
"That's wonderful to hear." Rayna rolled her eyes.
"And before I send you home I want to do a session with you and Deacon. It's not couple's therapy it's more a Q and A on how he can help you. And it's to help you finally open up to him." Toby told him.
"Fine, if I must to get the fuck out of here." Rayna groaned.
"I won't push my luck and have you bring the girls in. If you want to protect them from that I can respect it." Toby gave her a bit of good news.
"I think I'd like to bring Maddie in, but Daphne should be spared." Rayna thought it over.
"Take your time and think about it. You don't want to make a decision you're gonna regret here. There's no shame in protecting them, but it's ok to let them know you're human too." Toby advised her.
Deacon was at the kitchen table building a castle for Daphne's history class. He looked up in annoyance when there was a knock on the door. "Fred, Barney, one of ya'll wanna get that? I'm kinda busy right now!" He jokingly called them Flintstone's characters.
"No, need for anyone to get up. It's just me. I wanted to knock and let you know I made it." Scarlett stepped in.
"Hey, sweetheart. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you're doin' for your cousin." Deacon looked at her over the rim of his glasses.
"It's no trouble at all. I was good at school. This is one of those times that little fact is helpful to someone other than me. She's goin' through a tough time. If I can help her out a little bit then I'm glad. You and Rayna have both done so much for me and I love that I get to help." Scarlett sat the backpack she'd brought with her down on the table.
"Daphne! Get down here please. Scarlett is here. Just 'cause I'm doin' your work for you doesn't mean she's gonna." Deacon called out. "Girl, you were basically my first child. You don't have to thank me for takin' care of you."
Scarlett sat a grocery bag on the counter. "I know you, so I took pity on those girls and brought food with me. You can live on takeout and questionable food out of a can, that's not fair to them. I'm gonna get Daphne started on her assignments then I'm gonna start on dinner."
"Hey, I will have you know that I've been cookin' lately. I haven't killed 'em or caused any trips to the hospital. I'll take the win where I can get it." Deacon retorted. "I'm not gonna turn down food that I don't have to cook, though. I may be crazy sometimes, but I ain't stupid."
Daphne stomped into the room. "What?"
"Hey, sweet pea, I'm here to help you pass this school year. We are gonna get it done and forgotten about. It's not the most fun thing in the world, but I'm gonna make it more bearable for you. Or at least I'm gonna try my best." Scarlett put her arm around her shoulders and guided her to the table.
Rayna and Deacon had decided that Scarlett was a better option over bringing some stranger in. They were both understandably uneasy about bringing someone they didn't know into the house. Plus, Scarlett had the patience of a saint and she was the best suited for the job of dealing with a teenage girl.
A/N: Here is the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Until next time please review.
