Part XII
"Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget"
--Barbra Streisand, The Way We Were
She squinted up at Grissom. "What time is it?"
"Almost four o'clock."
Sara sat up, surprised. She had settled down with the book hours ago, but her lack of sleep the night before had caught up with her.
"Do you feel okay?"
"I'm…fine," she assured him, brushing her messy hair away from her face while she studied his. The bushy beard was gone. She knew he had gained weight since she last saw him, but it was much more obvious now that he wasn't covered up by all that hair. His cheeks looked wider, and his chin was starting to double. "You shaved?"
"I got paint in my beard."
"Paint? You finished the room?"
He nodded. "We need to go shopping. The bed is coming tomorrow, and I've got no sheets for it."
"Oh. Okay."
"Why don't you…get ready?" he said, taking in her obviously rumpled form. "I'm going to wash the rest of the paint from my hands."
Sara watched Grissom leave. They had been shopping together only a few times before, choosing instead to spend mutual days off at home. He could manage buying sheets very well on his own; he didn't need help. But she knew he was taking her along because he didn't trust her alone. Sara wasn't exactly sure what he thought she'd do if left to her own devices, and something inside her desperately wanted to tell him to stop babysitting her, but she knew time with Grissom was coming to a close, and she'd take what she could get. If it meant walking alongside him in the linens section of a department store while he picked out sheets for a bed she wasn't going to sleep in, so be it. Like a squirrel that stored its nuts for the winter, she was hoarding memories and experiences for the time when he'd leave her and go back to his life in Las Vegas.
Sara held out hope that the fact that he had splurged on new bed set and mattress meant that he planned on staying more than a few days, but her all too logical brain reminded her that Grissom loathed sleeping on couches. Over twenty years of working all hours in a hectic city made him prize his sleep. He appreciated a good mattress and soft bed linens, whereas she was the kind of person who only required a horizontal surface in order to catch a few winks.
As she pulled a clean shirt over her head, Sara remembered her first night in his bed, the sheer thrill of sleeping surrounded by the four walls of Grissom's bedroom, and by Grissom himself. Upon waking next to his sleeping form, she had squeezed her eyes shut and thought, I made it. She was in his world, in his bed. He had put his trust in her, had let her in. Never in a million years did Sara think she'd ever run from that. The old Sara would've thought that ludicrous. She had worked so hard to gain his trust, and the love that grew from their relationship was a stronger one than she'd ever experienced before.
He had asked her to marry him.
Sometimes that memory seemed more like a dream than reality. There were times in Tomales Bay when Sara was certain she had hallucinated the entire proposal. Marrying Grissom was above and beyond anything she had ever wished. Truth be told, she expected a relationship with the introverted scientist to be rather quiet and almost…well…businesslike. He was her boss, and she anticipated him setting up boundaries that she figured she'd just have to get comfortable with.
Only he didn't.
He let her in, welcomed her. He brought her lunch at work, slipped water bottles into her hands when he knew she'd be heading to a rather warm crime scene. He let her blast her favorite music and pick out the artwork in the bedroom and sat through all of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- which he hated and she loved.
Grissom was a really good boyfriend. He cared, and more than that, he showed it. Being with him was like a treasure trove of new experiences. Sara had had sex before, but she had never really made love until Grissom. She had gone out on dates before, but she had never been on one where she almost forgot to chew her food because she kept getting lost in a man's eyes until it was Grissom sitting across from her. Making breakfast with him was an event; doing laundry was a new adventure. He made life -- plain, boring, everyday life -- something precious, something special. She hated that she was so messed up that that wasn't enough to make her better. She hated that someone like Nick, someone with happy parents and a happy childhood, could go through a similar experience and come out the other end of it intact. She hated that she wasn't strong like that. Sara had prized her strength for years; she had prized being tough enough to do everything on her own: grow up, go to college, be successful. She had done it all with no one to hold her hand.
And when she had someone to hold her hand, she collapsed. He had been right there, willing and able to shepherd her through her difficult times, and she just couldn't do it. It had all been too much, and she couldn't bare for him to see that. She wanted him to think she was strong. She didn't want him to see her the way she was in Tomales Bay, practically comatose, staring at The Weather Channel while she tried to recall the first time she saw her father hit her mother. Grissom once thought highly of her, highly enough to want her to be his wife. She didn't want to do too much damage to his memory of her. She wanted some pocket of his brain to think of her in a positive light.
Sara sighed at her reflection and then went to brush her teeth. Grissom was waiting in front of her bedroom door when she was done.
"You ready?"
She nodded.
They walked to the car in silence. It was a rather nice day, warm for February. Grissom drove them to the Westside Pavilion Mall and pulled up to the valet parking. "Let's go," he said softly before getting out of the car and handing the rental keys to the valet. Sara followed Grissom as he walked briskly to Macy's. They stopped at the store directory before getting on the escalator to the bed linens department. Once there, he located the most neutral beige bed set she had ever scene, and brought it to the register. When she offered to help him carry his purchases, he declined.
Once everything had been bought, they began to make their way back through the labyrinth that was the mall.
He frowned and then looked at her. "Do you remember the way out of here?"
Sara bit her lip. "I, uh…I was just following you."
"Oh."
They walked to the mall directory and scanned the map. Sara tried to search for their exit, desperately wanting to be of some help to him, while Grissom seemed lost in the names of stores.
"Do you want to buy anything?"
She blinked at him. "Excuse me?"
"Do you want to buy anything? There are…well, there are a lot of stores here and…" He looked at the directory again as his voice died off.
Sara clasped and unclasped her hands. Barnes & Noble was on the other side of the mall, and she really wanted to go see if they had any books on botany that weren't published before she was born, but she had forgotten her purse and she didn't want to be a bother to him. "No. It's okay."
He furrowed his brow and then seemed to catch notice of the fact that she hadn't brought her bag with her. "I'll give you money, Sara. If you need anything…please. We're here. Where do you need to go?"
She knew he probably meant clothes, for she came to Marina del Rey with a paltry wardrobe, but Sara wasn't looking for something to wear. The only pair of shoes she had with her, save for a cheap dollar store pair of flip-flops, were the ones she left Vegas with. And she was fine with that.
"Would it be okay if we, uh…"
"What?"
"…went to Barnes & Noble?"
Grissom's mouth formed an 'O' before he closed it and nodded. "Sure. Yes, sure. My father's collection of books is rather limited to one subject," he said apologetically.
"Oh," she said breathlessly, "that's not what I -- I mean…I want to find a newer book on botany. It's very interesting and well…it's okay. It's a long walk. You probably want to go home and get everything ready for tomorrow when they deliver your furniture."
He sighed. "Let's go to Barnes & Noble." He turned and began walking towards their new destination. She followed.
"Do you want me to hold one of the bags?"
"I'm fine."
TBC…
A/N: Memmmm'ries. Light the cornnnnnnnners of my mind. Misty water color memmmm'ries of the way they were. sniffles Although it's a sweet consolation to know that the GSR on the show is actually now happier than the GSR in my story. Yay for that!
