The bar was sticky.
Spirit pondered this fact as he stared down the length of wood.
Stein would have a fit if he knew I had my face on something so filthy, Spirit thought to himself. He groaned aloud for his mind drifting back to the doctor. With effort, he peeled his cheek away from the bar and sat up. The simple motion made his head swim. He caught the bartender's eye, but given the raised eyebrow he received, Spirit decided not to push his luck and ask for another drink. Perhaps it was time to stumble out.
After depositing a wad of cash next to his empty glass, Spirit wobbled out onto the street. The decision between taking a left or a right was so taxing on his intoxicated state that he was forced to steady himself against the building.
Left would take him home.
Right would take him to his own house.
Since when had he started considering Stein's place as "home?" Spirit wrinkled his nose. That topic was probably too deep to ruminate while drunk, but he gave it a shot, anyway.
He didn't even like Stein's laboratory. Did he? The concrete floors were always far too cold. The décor…what décor? The random scribbles of a madman didn't quite count as art. There was a constant underlying scent of antiseptic that, while clean, brought Spirit memories of scalpels and blood.
It was nothing like his own house. For starters, there was carpet. Such a novel idea; soft surfaces to walk on. Colour on the walls, photos in appropriate places, legitimate artwork in others. Lamps that didn't cast a sterile field of light, but offered a pleasant ambiance.
Stein had stayed at his house, just once. It was not long after his divorce from Kami. He'd still had photos of them together scattered throughout the house, and Spirit could remember Stein picking one of them up to examine it closer. For a man who seemed to only possess one facial expression, the look of disgust had been clear on his features.
Kami. She wasn't a much better subject to dwell, either. What a disaster. No, that wasn't entirely true. It had given him Maka, and she cancelled out most of the mistake of That Relationship.
It had been a rotten thing to do to Stein, changing partners the way he had. It still pained him that he had been so shallow. Then again, he hadn't expected that situation to end the way it had. Being young, Spirit had thought that a passive-aggressive move would get Stein's attention. He would have never guessed that such a stupid decision would have backfired so powerfully.
Even though the door had creaked horribly from day one, Stein never seemed to notice it. Spirit nudged it closed behind him, and stared blankly at the other boy, who was seated on the floor amidst a sea of books and papers. It looked like he'd been there for several hours, at least, given the way he was a lone island in the middle of the mess. Spirit sighed as he watched Stein squint closely at the page in his hands. One of these days, he would listen to him, and go get glasses.
No, wait. That wasn't going to happen. Spirit had momentarily forgotten why he was here in the first place, and his resolve faded, only to be replaced with nausea. What had seemed like such an easy task was now causing him considerable discomfort.
Stein still hadn't noticed him. Wasn't that the whole point of this exercise?
Wasn't he tired of Stein only giving him half of the attention he so obviously deserved? Stein's distant personality had only grown stronger as they'd aged together. Spirit couldn't handle it any longer.
And, yet, looking at Stein like this was stirring the feelings that were still so heavy within him. He did love him. There was never any question of that. Spirit knew that he would always love Stein. The problem was that he wasn't sure if that feeling was a two-way connection. Broaching that subject had driven some sort of invisible thorn between the two of them, nothing major, just this little nagging sense of something gone sour. Spirit found it quite painful. This was the last ditch effort. If Stein didn't take this bait, Spirit would have his answer.
He swallowed hard and steeled himself. "Stein?"
"Hmm?" Stein answered, absently. He was chewing on the end of a pen, and it seemed as though it took monumental effort to pull his eyes away from the paper. He blinked a few times in Spirit's direction. "Oh. I didn't hear you come in."
"I know. Must be pretty fascinating stuff," Spirit said as he gestured towards Stein's sea of study materials.
"Indeed. Quantum mechanics," Stein responded. He shoved his pen behind one ear and started to carefully extract himself from his marooned position in the centre of the mess.
"No – it's fine. You don't have to get up, I just need to tell you something," Spirit blurted out. He wanted to avoid Stein getting closer to him, out of fear that he would be unable to carry out this horrible task.
Stein was half-crouched already, but paused at Spirit's words. Spirit could see a veil of suspicion cross over his handsome features, and it made him break out into a cold sweat. As the other boy slowly stood up straight, Spirit took half a step backwards and glanced down at his feet.
"What do you mean, 'tell me something'?" Stein questioned. "What did you do, this time? A tattoo you regret? Did you lose your wallet, again?"
Spirit reached up to tug at his own hair. Stein was utterly clueless. It made this so much worse. He knew, in that moment, that the other boy had no idea what was about to happen. He'd hoped, futilely, that maybe Stein would read his mind and understand why he was doing this. Obviously, luck was not on his side today.
"No, it's not like that," he began, then sucked in a quick breath. Better to go the band-aid route and just get this over with quickly. "I'm leaving. I just wanted to let you know."
"Leaving?" Stein asked. Then he laughed, as though he thought this was another one of Spirit's impulsive ideas. "Where are you going? The shore? The frigid north?"
"No…Stein…" Spirit grimaced and forced himself to look the other boy in the eye. Big mistake. Now he could see Stein's amusement fade and be replaced with confusion. This felt like kicking a puppy. "I'm leaving. For good. This isn't working anymore. I'm changing partners."
"What." There was no inflection in Stein's voice. It was as flat as ever. "Isn't working? What are you talking about? If this is a joke, it isn't funny, Spirit."
"It's not a joke, Stein." Spirit felt himself growing desperate, pulled in two directions. He so badly wanted to laugh this off and reassure Stein that it was just a stupid prank. There was a good part of him that did want to stay, too. How could he walk out on someone he loved so deeply? This was a trick, a horrible dirty trick, but Spirit was clinging to the chance that it might work. It had to work. If Stein truly loved him, he would beg him to stay, to reconsider. With that thought in mind, he continued down the twisted path. "I can't deal with this, anymore. You're so distant, Stein. You can be so cold, sometimes, and it's killing me. I need to be with someone who isn't afraid to give me the same amount of emotion I give them. I'm sorry. But I don't think there's any other options, here."
The moment of truth surfaced, but it was with a tiny splash instead of a tidal wave. Spirit could see the shock and hurt all over Stein's expression, but it disappeared within seconds. That's when he knew his plan had backfired. It was too late to salvage, so all he could do was watch everything slip out of his hands.
"Is that so?" Stein's voice was deceptively calm. Lurking beneath his level tone was a nasty edge. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't even have to ask who you're going to partner with now, do I? I hope you're happy with her, Spirit."
He knew? Of course he knew. Spirit felt like an idiot. Stein was one of the most oddly observant people he'd ever met. No, he didn't notice the things that normal people do, but the weird stuff? It never passed Stein by. Naturally, he'd have noticed Kami spending more and more time with him. Maybe he hadn't remarked on it, but he'd have noticed. Stein noticed everything. He just never shared his observations. And that was the root of this situation.
Spirit knew this was one of the biggest mistakes he would ever make in his life. He should have known better. Stein would have never fallen for such a passive-aggressive move. He hated that sort of behavior. Too late, Spirit acknowledged that this situation would only have one outcome. It would infuriate Stein and completely sever any ties they had to one another.
"Stein – I – just –" Spirit trailed off, struggling with his own pride as he tried to backpedal. Losing face in front of Stein was worth it if he could somehow repair this fractured scenario.
"Don't. Don't bother, Spirit. Just get out. You've said enough," Stein whispered.
Spirit glanced up at him in time to watch him turn away. He had thought that Stein's lowered voice sounded like it was disguising tears, but all he was able to see was the other boy stalking down the hall and into his room. The door clicked quietly shut, leaving Spirit alone.
Walking out the front door was going to be an exercise in finality. Panic bubbled in Spirit's throat. He wished he hadn't slowly moved all of his belongings out of the place over the past few weeks. If he'd just left them, he would've had an excuse to come back, to collect them, to plead with Stein.
But, no. Now he didn't have that option. He had no reason to ever come back here.
The tears dribbling down his face made his skin itch. Spirit rubbed at them in frustration. It was his own fault he was crying, and that didn't sit well with him.
He turned to leave, and something caught the edge of his eye. One of Stein's boring grey sweaters was haphazardly tossed over the counter near the door, sleeves reaching for the floor. Spirit grabbed it. As he tucked it against his chest, he caught a whiff of Stein – part soap, part sweat, and a hint of something organic, like blood. Spirit tossed a furtive glance over his shoulder to make sure Stein wasn't watching him blatantly steal the thing. All clear.
He set his key in the spot where the sweater had been. Strangely, as he stepped out the door, he had no desire to go to Kami.
He didn't go to Kami. He had gone straight to another friend's flat, one he knew always had a large supply of liquor. Spirit had been drunk for three days straight. It had been awful. At the end of his binge, Kami had been irritated with him, but Stein had been distantly courteous towards him, as though they had just been casual acquaintances all along. Spirit had found that even nastier than if Stein had just ignored him.
Spirit's wobbly gaze traveled back down the road to his left. Stein always took him back. He'd take him back this time, too, wouldn't he? Through his drunken haze, Spirit felt vaguely embarrassed for his inebriation.
"No," he slurred, to himself. "Can't do it, this time. Doesn't need to see me like this. S'no good."
He turned right, towards his own house. One foot caught a raised cobblestone and he nearly fell on his face. Spirit carefully clung to the walls of the buildings along the route to keep himself upright. It was a slow process, but it worked out well. He managed to get all the way to his door without falling. After thirty full seconds of fishing for his keys he even got inside without too much drama.
There was no way he could sleep alone, in a bed. The couch looked inviting enough, anyway. Spirit shrugged some of his clothes off, but quickly lost interest in that task. Thankfully, by the time he fell face down onto the sofa, the liquor had gained complete control of his brain, and he passed out without another thought of Stein.
