Promises to Keep
Chapter 12
...
He flinched. The touch forcing his eyes to flash open and his heart to flutter briefly until he saw the familiar face and the sad eyes so filled with concern. He had been caught up in the dregs of his nighttime memories; how Ruthie had looked as the man ran with her into the night, her hair bobbing around her screaming face, how his labored breathing had sounded in his ears as he struggled to keep pace and how the helicopter had swallowed her as if it were a living monster. He remembered cursing the man between calling out Ruthie's name, not wanting to believe he was going to fail to reach her. He still didn't want to believe he had failed her and that thought kept him mute for a few minutes as the man he called brother stood silently watching him.
"Sorry Joe. Haven't done that in a while," he apologized softly. "Kensi call you?"
"Hetty," Joe answered, suddenly leaning down and wrapping him in a bear hug so reminiscent of his father.
"You really know how to piss me off, little brother," he said, choking on the words. "How'd you manage to get yourself shot, dumbass? You working without backup again?"
Deeks slowly sketched out what had happened, at least what he could remember, taking his time to work through the details and searching for elusive answers to his own confusing questions.
"So your own backup shot you?" Joe stated angrily. "Did they catch the bastard?"
"No. He and Ruthie are still missing," Deeks said, sullen and subdued. "I let her down, Joe. I promised her, but I couldn't make good on it. I was too late. I couldn't reach her. God, Joe, she looked so small and so helpless. She's all alone and scared..."
He almost lost it then, his voice choked into silence as Joe's strong hand gently massaged his shoulder, helping him ride out the tide of emotion that threatened his barely held composure. He couldn't allow those emotions to have free rein, not now, desperately wanting to hold on to his growing anger.
"Calm down, Marty," Joe said. "The team will find her. They found you didn't they?"
"I won't be calm until we get her back," Deeks said roughly. "I just keep going over it again and again and I don't know what I would have done differently. The security guy, Ross, shot one of the attackers. Why would he do that if he were working with them? It doesn't make sense."
"Well, somebody paid him, that's for sure," Joe said, patting him gently on the arm. "Always follow the money."
"Yeah." Deeks became silent and reflective, not able to voice his fears that he was responsible for the loss of another child. Even though he knew she was just being used as a pawn to get Paul Walters' research, he couldn't shake the feeling that he might never see her again and it shook him.
"You've really grown attached to this little girl," Joe said with a knowing smile.
"She makes me want to have kids, Joe," he said quietly.
"How does Kensi feel about that?"
"We haven't talked seriously about us for quite awhile," Deeks said as he fiddled with the edge of the blanket. "Not since your wedding. And that was just about getting married. Kids weren't even a part of the conversation."
"That was a long time ago, man," Joe said with a surprised frown.
"Yeah, well, I haven't exactly been marriage material for a long time, either," Deeks said bitterly.
"Marty, don't do that," Joe said anxiously.
"Do what, Joe?" he replied angrily. "I've been a mess for so long I'm surprised she hung around at all. She probably just feels sorry for me."
"You are so full of shit, if you didn't have a gunshot wound I'd slug you, you dumbass," Joe said roughly.
"I've missed you," Deeks suddenly laughed. "Everyone's afraid to cuss me out like you do, afraid I'll go all silent and morose."
"Yeah? Well I'm your big brother so I'm entitled to kick your ass when you need it," he replied. "And if you keep talking shit I will. Kensi loves you, man. You know that."
"I know," he said, smiling softly to himself. "She beat up an orderly who was trying to tie me to the bed. I woke up fighting and I don't know what would have happened if Kensi and Callen hadn't been here."
"Shit. You okay?" Joe said, his worry obvious as he moved closer to his side.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered. "Callen's been looking out for me."
"You two getting close?" Joe asked. "You're not trying to replace me are you?"
"You're one of a kind, Joe," Deeks said, snorting out a quick laugh. "You're the big brother I used to fantasize about when I was a kid. What kid wouldn't want a cowboy secret agent as a brother?"
"There's no question I got Callen beat when it comes to riding a horse," Joe said, mussing Deeks' hair as they laughed together.
"But you're closer than work buddies," Joe said with understanding. "He's been the one around you on a daily basis and I know he's helped you through some pretty shitty times. That has to mean something to both of you."
"We're closer than I ever thought possible," Deeks said. "To be honest, him opening up to me has surprised the hell out of me. I know he worries about me and gets pissed if I put myself in danger, but what that means in the long run, I don't know. Callen's a complicated guy and I don't know if he'll want to stick with me. He's always been a loner and I think he likes it that way. He even pulls away from Sam at times and they've been partners for a long time."
"So you've got your guard up just in case," Joe said, shaking his head. "Always ready for rejection."
"Old habits die hard as they say," Deeks said with a sad smile. "But I hope that doesn't happen. I kinda like having two brothers. You know, in case you flake out on me."
"You can't help being annoying, can you?" Joe said with a wide grin.
Deeks' phone buzzed on the side table and he bit his bottom lip nervously as he answered, putting the call on speaker so Joe could listen in.
"How are you Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked kindly.
"Feeling like I didn't do my job," he said bitterly. "Any news on Ruthie?"
"Mr. Callen and Kensi are on their way to pick her up at her grandfather's farm," she told him. "That's where the kidnappers were going to drop her after they got Walters' research. We'll keep you posted Mr. Deeks."
"Thanks Hetty. I'll be waiting," Deeks said and then ended the call.
He couldn't hold in his emotions any longer and felt himself begin to tremble as he blinked back the tears that had gathered in his eyes. Joe kept a hand firmly on his neck until he could control himself.
"She has to be alright, Joe," Deeks murmured. "I don't know what I'll do if they hurt her."
...
...
Callen was apprehensive from the moment they arrived, his gun poised and ready by his side as he stood across from Kensi at the front door of the Walters' farmhouse. She called out the agency name and flashed a look of concern at Callen when there was no answer and he nodded at her as she fished her lock picks from the pocket of her jeans. He counted down and then pushed inside, moving rapidly through the house, meeting only silence and feeling a sense of dread that was mirrored in Kensi's eyes.
"Ruthie?" His call echoed through the empty rooms and he felt his heart pumping in his ears.
"She's afraid Callen," Kensi said softly. "She might be hiding."
"Ruthie it's me, Callen," he shouted out as they moved into her bedroom. "I'm Deeks' friend, remember?"
Their fruitless search left them feeling uneasy and angry.
"Deeks told me she liked to climb trees. Maybe she's in the orchard," Kensi said as she headed out the patio doors.
They moved quickly through the rows of trees calling her name, but heard only the innocent replies of birds. Their pace slowed with the realization that they were alone and they finally found themselves at the back fence.
"Hetty, she's not here," Callen reported dejectedly into his cell as he secured his weapon. "And there's no sign anyone else has been here either."
"I'm afraid there's more bad news, Mr. Callen," she said solemnly. "The black helicopter was spotted in the water off Santa Rosa Island. Divers are in the water now."
Callen leaned back heavily against the fence and stared at Kensi, stunned into silence.
"What happened?" Kensi quickly asked. "Is Deeks okay?"
"We'll be at the hospital, Hetty," Callen said. "I won't tell him until you call me with news."
"Both of you stay close to him," Hetty said and then hung up.
"Callen, tell me," Kensi demanded.
"The chopper the kidnappers used crashed in the ocean off the Channel Islands," he said as he stared out over the ridgeline.
"Oh God," Kensi walked away from him and tightly gripped a limb on one of the trees. "If Ruthie has been killed, it will devastate Deeks."
"I know," Callen whispered.
"Why isn't she here, Callen?" Kensi questioned, suddenly furious. "They would have dropped her here first before flying that far away, wouldn't they?"
"Unless it was a lie and they never intended to leave her here at all," Callen reasoned. "Maybe they wanted to make sure the research was viable before returning her."
"Do you think they discovered it was bastardized this fast?" Kensi asked. "How could they know that so soon?"
"The crash might have happened after they offloaded the passengers," Callen said hopefully. "Maybe they're holding Ruthie somewhere on Santa Rosa Island or on a boat."
"Who's going to tell Paul Walters?" she asked sadly.
"We're not telling anyone anything until we hear from Hetty," he said as he pushed away from the fence and started back toward the house.
The drive to the hospital allowed the two agents the time to discuss all the various possibilities and scenarios and by the time they arrived they were somewhat encouraged, even though nothing was concrete. Neither one left the car, unwilling to face Deeks or Paul Walters until they had more information. Kensi confirmed what Callen already knew, that Deeks would know something was wrong the minute he saw her face. Callen was convinced he could keep what he was feeling hidden, but Kensi just laughed when he said it and he scowled at her just as his cell phone rang, wiping the smiles from their faces.
"There was no sign of Ruthie in the downed helicopter," Hetty said soberly. "But Ross' body was found strapped into one of the seats. He'd been shot in the head."
"What do I tell Paul Walters, Hetty?" Callen asked, unsure of himself after the news.
"The body of one of the pilots was found washed up on shore of the island," she replied. "They are searching for others."
"So they think Ruthie might have been washed away from the scene of the crash," Callen said sadly.
"Yes."
"But there's no clear proof she's dead," he stated calmly.
"Not yet, Mr. Callen," she answered. "But if she wasn't at the farm, the last place she was seen was in that helicopter."
"You're assuming the worst," he said.
"Not yet. I have Eric and Nell searching for the men who took Paul Walters' research," she said. "They are our only link to her. If they still have her, we have to find them and get her back."
"What do I tell her father?" Callen asked. "What do I tell Deeks?"
"Tell them we're still looking, Mr. Callen," she answered before ending the call.
Both agents walked reluctantly into the hospital and up to Deeks' room, looking at each other with dread as they stood outside. Callen hated that he even had to be here, his decision to distance himself from Deeks now cast aside by the circumstances. Kensi had offered to go in alone when she saw how hesitant he had been after talking to Hetty, but he had shaken his head no. He could do this. It was his job as team leader and he was baffled once again by his unsteady emotions as he tried to mentally prepare himself for Deeks' reaction. When he pushed open the door he was surprised to see Joe Atwood sitting next to Deeks' bed, and the feeling of relief was immediate. Joe signaled for their silence, indicating that Deeks was sleeping and then rose to give Kensi a hug as she moved quickly to Deeks' side.
"What's wrong, Callen?" Joe asked softly. "And don't tell me nothing, cause I can see it in your eyes."
"Any news?" Deeks asked sleepily as he woke. "Did you find her?"
Callen felt his heart drop, but then steeled himself and calmly told him what they knew, watching as various emotions rippled across Deeks' face. He could see he was struggling to maintain his composure, but he was surrounded by friends and family and he finally just let go. Silent tears slipped down one cheek as his jaw tightened.
"But they haven't found her body," he said, his voice breaking on the last word.
"No."
"Then she's not dead," he said firmly and threw the blankets aside. "Where are my clothes?"
"Hey little brother, where the hell do you think you're going?" Joe said as he walked around the bed and put his hand on Deeks' chest.
"Well, I'm not staying here," he answered, his determination evident as he lowered the bedrail.
Kensi reach to grabbed his shoulder, but he shrugged her off and swung his legs over the side, only to be met by his equally determined brother.
"You just got shot, dumbass," Joe said, trying to push him back.
"Really? I hadn't noticed. Now get out of my way, Joe," he scoffed stubbornly as he stood up in front of him.
"Not a chance, Marty," Joe smiled as he blocked his way. "I'll knock you out if I have to."
"Deeks, please," Kensi pleaded. "You're going to hurt yourself."
"Kens, I promised her," he said. "Don't you understand? I promised her."
"Deeks, we're doing all we can to find her," Callen finally said angrily. "There's nothing you can do and I don't have time to babysit you right now, so stop acting like an idiot and get back in bed."
Deeks stared at him, shocked by the harsh words. Callen took a step towards him, but Deeks shoved him forcefully away, a sullen fierceness darkening his face.
"Is that what you've been doing? Babysitting the pathetic agent who can't do anything right?" he asked bitterly. "I should have known better than to think you really cared. You know how to bullshit the best of them and I fell for it. You're free, Callen. No strings holding you here."
Kensi glared at Callen before wrapping her arms around Deeks as his anger and energy faded. His head dropped onto her shoulder as she held him close, whispering promises in his ear until he nodded in agreement. Joe helped him back in bed and he turned away from them and closed his eyes. Each one of them spoke to him, but got no response and Callen was the first to turn away and slam out of the room, unable to watch him go silent again. Joe caught up with him as he stalked down the hall, oblivious to those around him.
"Callen?" Joe said sharply as he grabbed his arm. "What the hell is wrong with you? He didn't need that, you sonofabitch."
"He's wounded. He needs to rest and recover," Callen said coldly. "Or should I have just let you knock him out?"
Callen pulled away from him and walked off, his fists clenched and held close to his sides as he silently berated himself for the insensitive words that had just crushed a friendship. Why he had spoken so cruelly to Deeks confused him and he felt nothing but regret for what he had done. Deeks hadn't deserved that, especially after what had happened with Ruthie. He thought about turning around and going back to talk to him, but didn't, reasoning that it was better this way for both of them. All the emotions were complicating things and he didn't need that right now, not if he was going to find out what had happened. Deeks had Joe and Kensi. He would be fine.
Kensi caught up with him at the car as he talked on the phone with Eric. He could tell how angry she was, but he couldn't deal with that as he listened to the information about the recovered helicopter.
"We're going to Point Magu," he said coolly.
"Fine," she said.
"We good?" he asked as he pulled out of the parking lot.
"Don't talk to me right now. I'm still pissed at you," she answered, her attitude surly, so he let it go, unwilling to get into an argument with her too.
When they were half way to the naval base, Callen decided to try and explain.
"I didn't mean to be that harsh, Kens," he said softly. "He's not in any shape to leave the hospital."
"You knew he was going to beat himself up over losing her," Kensi said, staring out her window. "Did you really expect him to just lie there and not want to go find her? He's crazy about Ruthie."
"I know," Callen said.
"Is that how you really feel, Callen?" Kensi turned to look at him with a deep sadness in her eyes. "You basically told him he needed a babysitter and that you couldn't be bothered. Why would you say that?"
"I don't know," Callen said softly. "It's too hard being that close to someone. It throws me off balance. I'm not used to it."
"You and Sam are like brothers," she said. "What's so different with Deeks?"
"Sam doesn't really need me, Kens," Callen answered. "I don't worry as much about him as I do about Deeks. I think I care too much and I don't know how to deal with that."
"I used to feel the same way," she said, picking at her fingers as she talked. "When I first realized how much he meant to me, I pulled away and in some ways I still find myself doing that. What are we so afraid of Callen?"
"You're asking me?" Callen smirked. "I'm trying to be the aloof one, remember?"
"I'm glad Joe was there," she said. "He and George had no problem taking him into their family and loving him. He needs that. He deserves that kind of commitment. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet."
"But you love him too, Kens," Callen said.
"Yeah, I do," she said. "But I'm not sure I'm the marrying kind, Callen, and he is. He craves a family, the kind with kids and picket fences and puppy dogs, but I'm not sure that's what I want or who I am."
"I know what you mean," he replied. "We're all about the job."
"Yeah and I'm not sure where that leave Deeks," she said solemnly.
They didn't speak again until arriving at the entrance to Naval Base Ventura County, showing their IDs and being directed to the location of the recovered helicopter. Getting back to the job calmed them both down and their focus became intense as they examined the chopper.
"Not gonna be a lot of forensic evidence," Callen mused. "We're not even sure how long it was in the water."
"Maybe Eric and Nell can figure out a time line," Kensi said as she stared at the water soaked interior.
"Where were they going, and why didn't they drop Ruthie off at the house?" Callen asked as he stepped out of the chopper.
"Callen," Kensi's voice was strained and he turned to look at her as she reached down between the seats in the back of the helicopter.
"What'd you find?" he asked.
Kensi held up a bedraggled doll and Callen saw her blink back tears.
"It's Ruthie's Wonder Woman doll," she said shakily. "She must have taken it with her when Deeks took her out of her room. Callen, she wouldn't have left it here if they had dropped her off someplace else."
"She could have let go of it in a struggle," Callen reasoned.
"She was alone and frightened," Kensi said. "This doll was her only comfort. Deeks said she loved this doll. She wouldn't leave it, Callen."
"You know what you're saying Kens," he said sadly.
"She was in this helicopter when it crashed."
They went about the remainder of their investigation mechanically, their emotions tightly controlled. Callen caught Kensi staring off into space as they settled into the car for the drive back and he reached to squeeze her arm and then pulled his phone to call Hetty. The conversation was a short one and Callen silently nodded before ending the call.
"Hetty's at the hospital," he said. "She's going to tell Deeks and then the Walters."
"I need to be there as soon as possible," she said, her strength and resolve obvious and Callen relaxed a little, knowing Deeks wouldn't have to deal with the terrible news alone.
He was torn between the need to continue the investigation at Ops and his almost physical need to comfort Deeks. As adamant as he had been with himself about keeping his distance, he was finding it difficult. He remembered the look on Deeks' face as he'd comforted Ruthie in the arroyo after the first attempt to take her. He'd witnessed their connection and he had voiced his own feelings for Deeks because of it. He felt such a deep sadness over the loss of such a bright little girl and if he felt this bad, he couldn't even imagine the depth of Deeks' sorrow and especially that of her family.
...
...
He heard the words, but he couldn't process them. Hetty repeated them and then leaned over and softly gripped his forearm, but he continued to stare straight ahead, his mind almost electrically charged with a rage so deep he was struggling to keep from screaming. Hetty sat with him for a while and he thought he might have said something to her, but the words were all lost immediately in a fog of anger and when she left and he was alone, he gasped in shock at the loss. His right hand shook and he tightened it into a fist and stared at it as his knuckles went white and his palm screamed in pain as his nails dug into the tender flesh. He wanted to be violent, needing that release so the sorrow clawing at him had some way to escape. Escape is what he needed to do. He couldn't stay in this bed a moment longer. He had to get out of here, had to run from the softness around him, away from the comfort he didn't deserve.
He robotically took off everything attached to his body, sliding the IV needle out and then throwing the blankets aside. A nurse came in, but he didn't acknowledge her presence until she took his arm. He looked down at her hand and then at her face and he saw the fear in her eyes and realized he had taken her hand off his arm and was crushing it. He immediately let go and she stumbled away from him and left. As he dragged his clothes out of the plastic bag that had been thrown on one of the chairs he was met by a very angry doctor who began yelling at him about his treatment of the nurse, but nothing he said registered.
"I'm leaving," he managed to say.
The doctor argued against it, but he repeated himself and tore off the hospital gown and began to get dressed. He walked out of the room in a daze, signing some papers they put in front of him, before he made it to the elevator. His breathing became heavy as he rode down and an intern asked if he was okay and that actually made him laugh. He didn't think he would be okay ever again.
He didn't remember how he got to the bar, or how long he stayed or how much he drank, but he did remember the fight. He thought he had won and looked down once again at his bruised and bloody right hand. He'd been through a lot with his right hand and it had served him well in the fight. It felt like his once again, not foreign as it had after he'd gotten the cast off, but a part of him and a part of his need for vengeance. He was surprised it was dark when he dragged himself into the back of a cab and croaked out an address, sleeping until the man yelled loud enough to wake him. He threw money at the driver before he got out and stumbled up the walkway and collapsed against the door. He used his bruised right hand to pound on it until it opened, spilling him into the arms of his brother.
"Marty! Where the hell have you been? We've all been looking for you," Joe said breathlessly as he got an arm under his shoulder and half dragged him to the couch. "Did somebody beat you up? Your wound is bleeding, man."
"Ruthie's gone, Joe," he mumbled. "I let them take her and now she's gone. How do I live with that, Joe?"
"God, Marty, I'm so sorry," Joe said as he helped him lie down on the couch and yelled for Diane.
"She's still out there, Joe," he whispered as Diane began to clean the blood off his face. "I have to find her. I promised her. I told her I was the Lone Ranger and that I rescued little girls. That's what I have to do Joe. I have to rescue her."
Joe stood up and rubbed a hand down his face as he watched Deeks slowly succumb to exhaustion, still mumbling about the promises he'd made to a little girl everyone else thought was dead. But his brother couldn't allow himself to believe it and that broke his heart.
...
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