You hardly sleep. You lie awake for hours, just watching Brittany sleep. Even after the drunkenness has long faded you have no regrets. You don't remember all details of what happened tonight, but you do vividly remember pressing her up against a window, laying her down on a table and having the best sex of your life. Why? Because it seems that with feelings it's better. With her it's better. You just hope she feels the same way.

Apparently you do fall asleep for a bit, because sunlight shining directly into your eyes wakes you up. Despite sore muscles, a slight pounding behind your eyes and a mouth drier than the Sahara, you feel better than you have been in ages. The arm wrapped around your waist adds to your content feeling. You feel her hand tracing figures on your back and you slowly open your eyes. Blue orbs are staring right into your soul, a soft smile is playing on her lips.

"Hi." She whispers.

"Hi." You smile back and you both fall silent again.

You kind of want to kiss her. Can you do that now? You don't know and you don't want to ruin this moment by doing something rash, so you just enjoy her company and the serenity of this moment in silence. Brittany's eyes are closed again, but the content smile is still there.

You take this time to study her face. The soft features, the freckle above her lips, the line of her eyebrows, her sunshine blonde hair. Everything about this morning feels peaceful, there's no desire to get up to drink some water, no desire to leave the bed to pee, you just want to stay under the covers and under the sheets. Protected against the world. Getting up means figuring everything out, it means having to face the real world, having to talk about last night and for now you just want to enjoy her presence.

The outside world doesn't grant you this for too long. After about fifteen minutes of just laying in bed without really moving, there's a knock on the door. Brittany's eyes fly open.

"Britt… Britt, you there?" Says a voice you know all to well. God, you hate that accent.

Brittany doesn't appear to get up and you're glad, you kind of forgot Wheels still existed, well, maybe you didn't, you just refused to acknowledge him.

He knocks again. "Britt, baby?"

She still doesn't move and she obviously avoids your eyes. When you hear Artie roll away, she sighs, gets up and walks into her shower.

You watch her glorious backside until she closes the door, then you wait until she turns the water on before you turn on your back and you start thinking.

When she walks out of the shower wrapped in a towel, fifteen minutes later she doesn't seem surprised to see that you are still there, sitting in her bed, not naked anymore, but still barely dressed. If she is, it doesn't show.

"I took some of your aspirin, I hope that's okay?" You start.

She nods but still doesn't look at you while she is putting on some underwear.

"You should go shower, I'll make some breakfast." She says. So you slowly get out of her bed, dressed in your lace panties and the tank top Brittany was wearing last night, the real tight one. When you reach the door you turn around to close it and you catch her diverting her eyes with a blush on her cheeks. Score! She was totally checking you out.

Twenty minutes, three glasses of water and a really hot shower later, you walk out of the bathroom in the same barely there clothes as you walked in. You see her eyes going over your legs, your lace panties, your stomach and your boobs. When she reaches your eyes, she doesn't divert hers instead she matches your cheeky grin while she puts two plates with scrambled eggs on them on the table.

You eat your eggs in silence, they're damn good for someone who doesn't like cooking, without looking at her. It's not until she's cleaned the table and you've shared several fleeting looks that she speaks.

"Go somewhere with me." She says.

"Okay." You answer, too quickly. You feel the shame creeping onto your cheeks, Brittany just smiles.

"Okay." She echoes with a nod of her head. "Get dressed then."


Going somewhere apparently means sitting on the back of Brittany's bike while she gives you the touristy tour of Amsterdam, with an added bonus of the places that mean something to her. You can't complain really. Brittany is telling you childhood memories with a fond smile while she bikes you through the Vondelpark, she shows you all the things every tourist apparently does in Amsterdam and you still haven't done after a few months of living here. You sit on the back of her bike passing the university's library laughing at all the students who are looking stressed in ways you can't imagine right now, while you smoke a cigarette.

She takes you to her cousin's house. Her brown haired cousin is cute in a dependent puppy kind of way but Brittany seems quite fond of her. Her cousin introduces herself with the Dutch accent that you've gotten so familiar with.

"I'm Marley, nice to meet you."

"Santana." You shake her hand. Brittany seems pleased that you didn't say anything mean and takes you upstairs, meaning you're currently walking on the steepest stairs you have ever seen in your life and you live in New York.

"Yeah, the stairs in the city centre are quite deadly." Marley says smiling after sensing your disbelief.

You smile and nod, noticing that apparently that whole 'too sweet for your own good' thing runs in the whole family.

Marley's apartment is on the second floor, it has a tiny kitchen/living room, two bedrooms, a small bathroom and a decent sized balcony. Marley gives you the tour while yapping on and on about how she found this apartment and how her roommate is moving out in a while to go traveling for a year or something.

"So that's why Britt is moving into her room." Marley enthusiastically says.

You shift your eyes to Brittany who is studying her feet with tense shoulders. "Right. When would that be?"

Marley looks at Brittany who is still doing her best to ignore the conversation. "Probably before the end of the year. It's gonna be so much fun!" She squeals.

"I bet." Is your not too happy response.

Brittany apparently senses it's time to go and after saying your goodbyes you're standing outside, waiting for Brittany to unlock her bike. Without mentioning anything about the conversation you just had with Marley, she says: "get on, we have one more stop."

You continue your journey through the city centre. She makes so many turns over so many tiny bridges and passes so many canals you think she's lost, but when she suddenly stops and says: "This is my favorite spot in this entire city." you realize that she knew exactly where she was headed.

While she locks up her bike, you observe your surroundings. Her favorite spot is on one of the tiny bridges with a tree hanging over it. There's more small one way streets and canals, even two more bridges. And as always the cute brick houses are surrounding you on every side, except behind you because a little further there's a small square with two benches and two trees. It's definitely a cute sight, but you don't know what makes it different than all the other bridges and all the other canals. Brittany speaks before you can ask.

"I know it's nothing special when you look at it, but when I come here I can still see myself running around as a kid with my cousins and our parents would warn us about traffic, although there's hardly any real traffic on these three streets. When I got older I still came here but then I took my little sister with me. I remember going on walks with Marley or Marley's sister and we'd just talk and talk because we only saw each other once or twice a year so we made the most of it."

She's just staring into space, totally into her memories and you love this side of her. She seems very at peace with herself and her surroundings. It's obvious that this little bridge is more than just a bridge to her. It represents childhood memories, growing up and missing people. She sends you a soft smile, then stares into the water again. You wrap your scarf tighter around you to protect you from the fall winds.

"You're allowed to drink when you're sixteen in the Netherlands, so we went to some bars as soon as we all turned sixteen. So one night we met some boys and one of them kissed me right there. Just before this bridge. That night was the first time I felt so happy and free, I never felt like that back home. Maybe because I started to realize I was different at that age. I remember coming here as a teenager and starting to realize I might like girls. I was walking here a few days after that I kissed that boy with Marley's sister and we were talking about him and how he wanted to see me again. She asked me why I was reluctant because I was leaving anyway so it could just be a fun summer fling and it just came out. I flat out told her that I didn't want to because I wanted to try dating girls. It was the first time I told someone and it was right here on this bridge. Later that summer I told Marley too and they took me to gay pride and it was so awesome seeing a whole city so supportive and just on the same wavelength. That day was such a blast. I danced with so many gay guys and some girls too and I just felt accepted and loved and when we ran into our drunk parents I told them too because I was on such a high and they said it was okay and they'd always love me just as much. I'd never felt so free."

She eyes you to see if you're still listening. Of course you are, you're enthralled by her story. You want to know more about her youth, her life, everything about her. So you nod, signaling for her to continue. The sigh that comes out of her mouth makes you thing that the story is getting serious as of now.

"The year after, I came here to this spot, I sat on that bench right there on the square and just watch as people walked by. Sometimes I'd talk to them, but I'd mostly just sit and think. I just had my heart broken for the first time. I was 17 and she was 18, she broke up with me before she left to go to college." She chuckles. "God, I thought I'd never be happy again. I shut everyone out"

You chuckle at that, not in a mocking way, but you just can't think of a truly unhappy Brittany. You've seen her hurt and angry, but she was still acting like her bubbly self when you saw her with others.

"I know, crazy right? It wasn't true obviously because it didn't bring me down for long or took away my ability to love. Sarah, that's Marley's sister by the way, sat with me a lot. Just sitting there, sometimes she'd talk to me or let me cry on her shoulder, but mostly she just sat with me. So the year after that was my last summer before college. I kind of wanted to stay home to say goodbye to all my friends, but I'm glad I didn't because that summer was the summer I truly fell in love with this city. Sarah, Marley and me went clubbing a lot, we hung out in the parks, I got to know some of their friends. We had a blast, I think that that was the best summer of my life. It was the last week of the holiday, I was standing right here when I got the phone call."

Brittany grabs the railing and swallows, kicking nonexistent pebbles in the water.

"It was my mom. Sarah had an accident. She… She was hit by a car while crossing the street. She died straightaway."

"Oh shit." You curse and you put your arm around her.

"That was, I don't know, it was the worst moment of my life. The whole city just lost it's glow. I-I… I still, to this day, miss her so much. She was the kindest person I knew and she just helped me through so much."

A shaky breath escapes Brittany's lips and you see a tear make it's way down, falling into the canal after it's lost contact with Brittany's face.

"Maybe that is why I want to live with Marley, to not lose that too, you know? I don't know. It's just, when Sarah died I realized how fragile everything is and you've got to make every moment and every relationship count. That is why I got so upset with you. You just refused to acknowledge that there was something going on between us. And fuck-" She tries to keep her voice under control but fails. The crack in it breaks your heart.

"Fuck." She curses again. "I didn't want to cry. But Jesus Santana, come out of your shell already. If you're not gonna open up, everything good in life is gonna pass you by and then it's over before you get a chance to do it right."

She turns her body towards you, your arm still around her waist.

"I don't want you to wake up one morning and regret not trying. Live a little. Of course you're gonna get hurt because that's just a part of life."

Her hand comes up to wipe her cheeks and when she looks up again her eyes are still filled with emotion.

You don't know what to say. All you know is she's right. She's so goddamn smart. She's trapped between you and the railing now, breathing heavily. And she's so, so close, if you just leaned in you could...

Before you could even move your head in her direction, her phone beeps, signaling a text. She unlocks her screen, curses under her breath and says: "It's Artie, I've gotta go, I'm supposed to meet him in a cafe for a date."

This can't be real.

Is she leaving you for Robocop again?

She's moving out of your strange embrace while saying, "you can take my bike and I'll just walk. It's only a few blocks."

You grab her arm before she can fully walk away.

"No."

"No? What no?" She seems confused.

"No, I'm not doing that. You tell me to live a little and to open up, so I will. I'm in love with you, Brittany. I think I told you last night as well, but I'll say it again. I'm in love with you. I mean it. I want to be with you and you want to be with me, I know it. Don't go to him. Please stay here." You hate how insecure that last part sounds. You can't help yourself when it comes to her. The silence and her confused look are too much, so you pull her towards you and you want to press your lips into hers to convey everything your feeling. You need this kiss to convince her to stay with you. She's about to lean in and kiss you but doesn't. Your lips almost touch, but it never gets anymore than just sharing the same breath. It never turns into the kiss because then she's pulling back, sniffling.

"I-I'm sorry. I need to go. I need time to figure this out."

With that she gives you her keys and walks away. Leaving you in the October wind on her favorite bridge in Amsterdam with a whirlwind of thoughts running through your brain.

Did she just break your heart?


You don't really remember how you got here, but out of nowhere you're knocking on Sam's door.

"Santana?" He gives you a questioning look. You must look ridiculous right now, staring blankly into space with your brow furrowed.

"Santana, what's wrong?" He asks while he closes the door behind you.

"I told her. Fuck, I told her." You sit down on his bed, Sam sits down in a chair on your right."

He's clearly not following. "You told who what?"

"I fucking told Brittany I love her and then she left to go meet Wheels somewhere for a date."

From the corner of your eyes you see his mouth drop.

"Holy shh… You did that?" You nod. His smile slowly turns into a grin. "I doubt she was with Artie because he just called me to ask me if I knew where Britt was."

You feel a little flutter of hope in your chest. The two of you sit there, softly smiling, when Rachel Berry comes marching in.

"Have you guys realized what day it is? You absolutely mustn't forget tonight's festivities, Blaine would be very distressed if you did."

If it wasn't for Berry, you would've totally forgotten about the Halloween party. Not that you feel like going. Barbra is yapping on and on about her Dorothy costume and how Kurt is the scarecrow and Blaine the tin man, Sebastian was supposed to be the fourth character but apparently he isn't coming anymore.

You. Don't. Care.

"And it's really not so-"

"Rachel! We were just going to the grocery store to buy some dinner, so we'll see you before we go to Blaine's, alright?" Sam interrupts.

"Oh, okay. Well, yes, that sounds like a grand idea." A slightly offended Rachel says and walks out.

"Thank fuck. That girl is crazy obsessed with herself." You complain. Sam just nods and lets out a relieved breath.

"So, what are you wearing tonight?" He asks you, then turns to his closet, that's really too big and too full for a guy. You don't know, with all the shit that has been going on with Brittany, you totally forgot about Halloween.

"I don't think I'm going, I don't have a costume and I need to process what just happened with Brittany."

Sam doesn't appear to be listening, he proudly presents you his Captain America costume.

"I thought you'd say that. So I ordered you a costume as well. I asked Rachel about what size you'd need." He looks even more proud now and pulls a Wonder Woman costume out of the closet.

"No, nope. Not wearing that. I'm not going to be a part of your geek squad."

He narrows his eyes. "We'll see about that. Now let's go to the grocery store and get food. You can tell me about Brittany on the way over."


You don't know how he did it, but Sam got you to wear the Wonder Woman outfit and you've got to say, you look fucking smoking. Sam almost drooling on himself was the conformation you needed.

Blaine's party is a weird mixture of American people who are all in random costumes and Dutch people who are all in scary looking costumes.

You pull Sam over. "What is up with this party?" You're not too sure if you're happy that you came, at the same time, you're awesome at hiding your feelings if there's enough alcohol and there's plenty of that here.

He shrugs, then lights up like a kid on Christmas and says, "did I tell you that Mercedes is coming over for Thanksgiving?"

He looks so happy it makes you chuckle, "no, you didn't, but I'm happy for you."

Sam looks as if his guppy lips are going to rip his face in half, that's how wide his grin is. You're glad he is so happy, that he has someone that makes him that happy. Even after a few years of being together.

"Hey, S. Isn't that the guy Rachel is dating?"

You look over and see that slick, curly guy standing in the middle of the room, showing off his too white teeth to some girls. The one you helped her get ready for a date for. Jesse?

"I don't know, I thought she was back with Finn."

Mike, who is dressed like Danny Zuko and has been listening to your conversation apparently, comes over and says, "no, I heard she met a guy named Brody at her school." The three of you share a confused look.

"Jesus Christ, that girl can't keep it in those awful skirts of her." You add. When Rachel comes walking into the living room and bee lines for Jesse, Sam is proven right because everyone in the living room gets to watch a nice portion of way too much PDA.

"Ew. I need some shots to burn this image away." The boys nod and make their way towards the kitchen to find the booze.

Sam is the first to succeed, a bottle of tequila is opened, salt is sprinkled and limes are bitten. Both guys pull disgusted faces, lightweights, you're Hispanic, your blood is practically tequila. While you poor some more shots, Mike is opening three beers and after three rounds of shots, you find yourself discussing the Kurt and Blaine situation.

"I'm pretty sure Blaine and his Dutch lover broke up." Sam says.

Mike agrees, "Rachel told me so." He earns two wary looks with that statement.

"Why were you talking to Berry if you didn't have to?" You ask him, disgusted.

He defends himself. "She's not that bad, I kind of like her." When neither you nor Sam respond, just stare at him, he decides to continue the earlier conversation by himself.

"So Blaine broke it off with Sebastian, but I'm pretty sure him and Kurt aren't together."

"Yet." The three of you say at the same time, laughing. After the giggles have subsided, you zone out of the conversation and study everyone at the party. There's a lot of Dutch people dressed as zombies and vampires, there's Rachel and Jesse macking in a corner, there's you, Mike and Sam standing in the kitchen studying everyone, Sugar is dancing around Jesse and Rachel like a fool, causing a lot of the Dutchies to laugh, Artie is nowhere to be found, thank God. He probably couldn't make it up the stairs. Okay, that was mean, even for you. Then there's the other American guy, you don't know him, you think his name is Dave? You want to make a comment on his huge hands, something catches your eyes before you can even get the first words out.

It's a blonde goddess dressed like Daenerys Targaryan walking in, followed by some of her dancer friends.

"Holy shit." You say at the same time as Sam and Mike.

"Damn S, you better go over there. She's gorgeous." Sam gives you a little push. It's as if you're feet are made of lead, as if your legs are made of brick, you can't move an inch. Artie isn't here, she told you so goddamn much this afternoon and you told her you're in love with her, making your way over to greet her shouldn't be so hard.

It is though.

So after she's greeted a few people you make your way over to the prettiest girl in the room and say, "you look way hotter than Emilia Clarke ever could."

You feel like a dork as soon as you say the words, Brittany seems to like the compliment though. The blush on her cheeks confirms it. You want to kiss her, to properly welcome her to the party but you doubt that she'd let you, so you settle for asking her if she wants a drink.

She does.

She follows you to the kitchen without saying anything.

Mike and Sam awkwardly hand you the tequila and one more shot glass.

This is your fourth shot and you've had three beers. You've been here for forty-five minutes and you and Sam had some beers during dinner as well, you're starting to feel pretty buzzed. You ask Brittany where she's spent her evening. She gives you a vague reply, something about walking to one of her dancer friends and having dinner there with beer, some people and more booze.

That explains her glassy eyes. Now you don't feel like the emotional cripple for drinking this afternoon away.

You down a shot and try to start a conversation until some song all the Dutch people seem to know comes on. It's some female singer with a really high pitched voice and electronic beats. God knows who this is. All the Dutch people including Brittany and Blaine are singing something about 'recover' or 'comfort'.

"Sam, what the fuck is going on?" You ask him wide-eyed, after he's come over to you.

He has no clue, the two of you are fascinated though. It's not that Dutch people never dance, but you've never seen them so collectively enjoying a song.

Deciding that you Americans can't stay behind and that the song is quite catchy you pull Sam into the dancing group of people. He surprises you by being a pretty good dancer. You know that you're an alright dancer, you've pulled so many girls just shaking your hips, and you're actually enjoying casually dancing with a guy other than Puck for once (only because Sam is really one of your best friends and he's actually a really good dancer).

That is until the song changes and Brittany asks Sam, "can I steal her away for a minute?"

He looks at you questioningly before nodding.

Daenerys Targaryan takes your hand and says, "We need to talk," before leading you out onto the nearly empty balcony.


A/N: So finally an update on time. The song Santana and Sam are witnessing is Recover by Chvrches. So listen to that. They're awesome and I wrote this after seeing them live.