What I own: The first and last seasons of Flashpoint on DVD, a year's worth of Birchboxes and a fantastic recipe for vegan chocolate cake.
What I don't: Rookie Blue. Nope, not mine. I just like to play with them.
Author's Note: So yeah, it's been awhile. Between being sick and fighting with a RL that has it out for me, I've had no time to write, and when I did sit down to write, nothing happened. I'm so sorry it took me so long to update, the words would just NOT come out. I'm not entirely thrilled with this chapter, but it is what it is, to paraphrase Sam. I'm hoping to be back with weekly updates soon, as long as things cooperate. I'm supposed to be working but the idea popped into my head and just needed to happen. Y'all are the absolute greatest and I hope you enjoy. As usual, this is out of order because it is how I roll. Thank you all for the alerts and reviews and pep talks. Marys, I hope you enjoy. I don't usually reuse songs but this one is just… yeah, beyond perfect. Helena by My Chemical Romance. Listen and love. As always, reviews are rewarded with copious thanks and babble.
"What's the worst that I could say?" The words were casual but I knew that the fear that crept in behind them was evident, not only to Sam but to Grace who squirmed in my arms.
It was a beautiful evening, the sunset painting the sky with bright streaks of pink and orange that gradually faded into a dusty, dark purple. I pushed my bare foot off the floor of the porch, rocking the swing just slightly to soothe my little girl who quickly ceased her movement, her dark brown eyes, so much like her father's drifting closed.
It was quiet, almost unusually so, the sporadic chirp of the crickets and the soft creak of the swing the only noises in the warm night.
When I was younger I would dream about this moment, over and over, when I still held out hope, just after Claire had left. I wished on falling stars and birthday candles. When the clock struck 11:11 and pennies on the street. I prayed and pleaded, and bargained but it all went unanswered. That lasted about a year before I gave up hope. No calls, no letters, not a word, she had just vanished and taken a part of me with her. I struggled to push her, the bits and pieces of faded memories that remained, to the back of my mind and in time the wounds that she had caused long since pushed to the back of my mind, hidden deep inside where they couldn't do anymore harm.
The change had been subtle, creeping in when I least expected it. A thought here, a moment of wonder there, beginning just after I had found out I was pregnant. There was fear, at first, although Sam had assured me that it was unfounded, holding me tight and whispering sweet nonsense when I woke up crying in the middle of the night, terrified that I would end up like her, reassuring words and a strong safe embrace.
The moment I first held her in my arms, I knew that I could never do it; I could never leave my child no matter what the circumstances. I went over it in my head night after night, as I rocked in the mahogany chair in the nursery, trying and failing to figure out how Claire had just... left. I never had any answers, not even partial ones, just more questions.
The crunch of tires on gravel followed a few moments later but a car door closing had me tensing up, the breath catching in my chest.
The swing rocked as Sam sat beside me, dropping an arm over my shoulders and pressing a kiss against my head.
"You know you don't have to do this Andy." He was right, as always.
"I do have to; I have to at least try." The waver in my voice gave away my fear though I knew that he could see it anyway. His strong hand wrapped easily around mine and he looked down at the dozing infant in my arms, nothing but love in his eyes as the lo0w hum of the doorbell chimed through the house.
"I'll be here." He didn't say much, and the words were brief, but the promise that they held, the quiet comfort gave me strength. I stood slowly, taking a shaky breath as I handed Grace to her father and brushed my hands over my shirt, tugging nervously at the hem before I headed into the house. My footfalls were silent on the wood floors as I navigated through the dimly lit house.
My hand shook as I opened the door and my breath caught as I laid eyes on a woman I hadn't seen in almost fifteen years. She looked nothing like I remembered and yet, at the same time, exactly the same and I felt all the feelings, the betrayal, the hurt, the loss come rushing back in a flash and I fought to blink back the tears that formed before they could slide down my cheeks.
"Claire."
