Alright, the song is Iron & Wine's "The Trapeze Swinger" this time, and if you don't have it, I strongly suggest that you go out and get it. Also, you should try and read the poem at the end, because I know it's real fucking tedious and you don't have to, but Sam Beam is one of the most beautiful poets I've ever read, and he is just fucking spectacular. So check out Iron & Wine, because I have good taste in music, I've seen Coachella twice, it's nothing like Hilary Duff, blah, blah, blah, etc. Humor me. Or just skip this. I'm sure you do. Whatever. Random Updates Because I Am Feeling Talkative: my boyfriend Sean and I are semi-streaking with my brothers Jeff and Avery and my best friend Em. So, if I get suspended-again- I might be AWOL for a bit. Oh, I am going to be an aunt- apparently life imitates art, but my sister is officially pregnant (this would call for exclamation points, but as you might've been able to tell, I have some weird, OCD personal vendetta against them). It's a girl. She has been pregnant for a while, but she was still real skinny and I wasn't allowed to say. She wants to name it Layla Austin. We'll see. Love for all, especially you, Tyler Rose Rivera, if you are reading this, and Sean William Walker, and Jeffrey Boston Decker, and Avery Ryan Rivera, and Emily Logan Long. And Keegan, I guess. Because you guys say I never acknowledge you. There. Also, everyone who reads, reviews, etc. Now I will not-so-gracefully bow out and put you-and myself- out of the misery of this novella that I'm sure has made you hate me. Good night.

Tyler was the only one now who didn't know, and she set out to tell him over Mega Mutilation, alone at Pogue's. Knowing that she wouldn't be finishing the school year, Jordan barely went anymore, spending her days in hazy limbo with one of the boys, always going places, in transit- here to pick up some of Reid's shit from Donnie, with Caleb to pick up prescriptions for Evelyn, paying Cash for Reid's sizeable weed habit ("On the side, it's just on the side" he'd tell her again and again, bitter because she could no longer share it with him).

The youngest boy only nodded, not pausing to cease sobering her, and said "Yeah, I kinda figured." She nodded. Everyone around her seemed to be doing a lot of figuring these days. Except the administration, who hadn't blinked when she'd told them she was taking a semester of absence, joining Naomi and- of course- Isabel on a kibbutz in Israel. "Are you staying in school?" She shook her head.

"Taking the finals, then an indiscriminant 'leave of absence.' Told them I was meeting up with Naomi and Isabel." Tyler nodded, knowing that they were off somewhere or another. "Naomi's discovered Ashram yoga, and her Ashram yoga instructor Ravi. He lives in Israel. He's invited us to live with him! Can you imagine?" She mimicked Naomi's breathy and excited whisper. "I think I'm in the clear for now. I skipped a grade anyways. Guess I felt the call of my brethren."

"Hey, I thought I was your brethren." He whacked her on the knee with his controller.

"Son of a bitch," she muttered. "So Ty, seriously- seriously- you can't tell anyone. NO ONE can know, little bro."

"I'm older than you," he grumbled, but he was her little brother, just as Caleb was her older, and Reid her twin. Her best friend.

Finals were at the end of the week, and she walked gladly through the parking lot after the last one, knowing she'd pulled an A only in AP Computer Science.

She hadn't told Naomi about the whole I'm-three-and-a-half-months-pregnant thing yet, because she already knew how it would go. Doors would slam, words would turn cold. She often wondered how Naomi's tongue didn't freeze to the roof of her mouth, with how icy it was in there. She knew that if she stopped to think about it that it was because she was scared to tell her, so she didn't stop.

She'd already transferred most of her stuff to Pogue's apartment, the school hadn't even bothered to check the leave with Naomi- if they could find her in her Motherland, or whatever. They were used to rich parents' whims, even richer childrens'.

In the middle of all of this, Tyler fell in love. Her name is Lena, and she's beautiful, he told Joey, excited. A waitress at Chipotle, he began buying Jordan an obscene amount of burritos- not that she was complaining, since she seemed to be living off of burritos and Berry Lime Sublime smoothies.

Christmas was strange for all of them, the balance out of whack. They all laughed about the picture ornaments on the tree, all eighteen of them- Joey wasn't in the first one. Tyler brought Lena for dinner- she really was beautiful, hair black and skin pale, her blue eyes were luminous and behind her smile Jordan felt jealousy simmer, bubbling up in her (fat) stomach. She watched the other girls curved, rounded features with envy, watched her straight her float lightly around her while her own sun bleached hair curled, slightly wild. How could she know when Lena looked at her she saw the same thing… skin that didn't burn or freckle, eyes that were warm and features that grabbed stares and attention, hollow cheekbones and an impish grin? Lena realized with a pang that Jordan knew Tyler better than she ever would, and excused herself to go outside for some air. Minutes later, an extremely blonde something sat down beside her. She turned, and met Reid's eyes.

"Joe?"

"Excuse me?" He'd startled her.

"Joe bothering you? Jordan?"

"Oh, no, she was really nice, uh-"

"You're doing the Joe Face." He cocked an eyebrow at her, daring her to deny it.

"What's… the Joe Face?" She was resigned, she would find out whether she wanted to or not.

"The face most girlfriends make when they see their boyfriend turn into play-doh at the feet of a certain girl who just happens to be both hilarious and strangely beautiful, although apparently she realizes neither of these things, which only makes her more apparently perfect and intimidating?" Lena took a deep breath, but sighed, deflated.

"Well that was very eloquent, but actually… Yeah. That pretty much sums it up."

"Yeah, well, it happens. Don't worry about it, Joey's prob'ly in there right now getting acid reflux at the thought of you… That girl would cut off her own toes to be pale, to look like Naomi." He spat the name out, but she wisely ignored this. "Her mother." He answered what he knew she was thinking.

"And she looks like…?"

"You."

"Ah." They sat in silence for several minutes, the only sound the clinking of beer bottles as they returned to their sides on the stone bench they perched upon.

"Seriously, though, don't worry about Joe. Tyler's her little brother, pretty much. It'd be incest if it was anything else. We're all just a little protective, I guess. She hasn't exactly had the easiest time… of it." He finished awkwardly, as though he hadn't meant to say as much as he had.

"But isn't she… isn't she…" She searched for a delicate way to say this. "Dating Pogue?" She was pregnant. Reid smirked, was the goddamn guy psychic, or something?

"Yeah, but that's different. That boy fell in love with her the first time he ever saw her. You know, her eyes were born black, like that, never blue, and Naomi was so disappointed. Mud eyes, she used to call her. He loved them." Like that explained everything, he picked himself up with a sigh and turned back to the house, dropping a cigarette he'd lit only a minute before. He left the girl with more questions than before.

Reid gave Joey a dreidel, like he did every year, and she gave him a lump of coal, like always. She gave Pogue a DVD, Velvet Goldmine, a joke only he got. Curt Wilde. She winked at him. He gave her a Grow Your Own Mustache man, the kind with grass for hair, and the way he smiled when Joey laughed made Lena… sad, almost. Would she ever have that? She didn't know Tyler was smiling at her, much the same way. Jordan gave Tyler tube socks, with a fake ID in the left one.

"You were the only one left without one." Even Caleb kept his grumbling to a minimum. This was their last year with just the five- Sarah and Lena not included. Before they were six. Caleb gave the girl his favorite sweatshirt, the one she'd been trying- unsuccessfully- to steal for the past three years. She buried her nose in the fabric with delight. "It smells perfect." She handed him her present, a blank CD.

"Uh… thanks?"

"It's not blank. Listen to it in the dark. You'll feel infinite." She'd lowered her voice, and the conversation flowed around them. He nodded once, smiling at the reference to one of their shared favorite books. He hugged her, whispered "Love you," somewhat brotherly into her ear.

"I know," she winked, mischievous, and looped her finger through one of Pogue's belt loops. "Yo creo que tu y yo necesitar vaminos ahora." She whispered it, jokingly lascivious, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Si, Senorita." He raised his voice. "Alright, guys, I think we're gonna take off." They said their goodbyes, and the two left holding hands.

"Hang on, I'm gonna drive." She snatched the key's from the surprised boy's hand, rushing for the driver's seat before he could protest. "I haven't given you all of your present yet."

"I thought it was-"

"Not the movie, stupid."

"What is-"

"Just wait." That, and the drive, was beginning to look familiar, registering somewhere in the boy's brain. They stopped at that spot he would've recognized blindfolded, that spot that smelled like lilies, held in by branches and blanketed by stars. She turned the car off this time, before running around the front of the car, reaching his door just as he stood. "Take off your jacket." It was an order.

"Are you crazy?" Their breath was fogging.

"No. I am pregnant, therefore allowed my peculiarities." He rolled his eyes, but complied. "And your shoes." It was nearly freezing. "Now, hold still." She yanked a blindfold rather roughly over his eyes- he wasn't even sure he wanted to know, and kept his mouth shut. She frog-marched him over sharp sticks, ignoring his muttered curses. Up a hill, down a small one, to the left- was all he thought they went, when she stopped him. "Swear you'll keep your eyes closed?" She held his fingers so he couldn't cross them.

"Fine." She pulled the blindfold off of his eyes ("KEEP THEM CLOSED") and pulled his shirt quickly over his head, his pants and boxers to his ankles.

"Step out," she barked. Pregnant people got so fucking bossy. He heard cloth rustle next to him, her undressing, then hands, a quick shove, and freezing, freezing cold, a splash next to him.

"What the FUCK?" His breath came out in strangled gasps, he realized his eyes were still closed, and opened them. His anger dissolved, for Jordan was treading water beside him, cheeks flaming with cold. They were in the middle of a pond, a water lily rested on Jordan's collarbone. "So that's the lilies," he said, more to himself than to her. She nodded. God, the looked like magic, like a lady of the lake, a water sprite, something.

He's beautiful, she thought to herself, taking in the shadows under his cheekbones, his eyes luminous and light in the water.

"I was going to show you this place, the first time I brought you here, but we didn't exactly get around to it." Her grin was wolfish. "My dad took me here, once." Her eyes became darker, if possible, as their mischievous shine receded. He remembered Christopher, the light-haired man who's eyes had been dark as Joey's, a broad-shouldered specimen with long limbs- limbs that he'd passed to his daughter- so apt at breaking anything fragile. He had her laugh, Pogue remembered, her easy smile and amiable nature. He'd balanced the harsh Naomi, made even her laugh. Not anymore. Jordan hadn't believed it, really, when Caleb had had to be the one to tell her that he'd fallen, something went wrong when they were rewiring the power line. He fell. Christopher, the man with the musical Portuguese accent and the nimble fingers- as quick to win at pool as to pull a lollipop from your ear, and hand it to you- didn't come home from work. Pogue had found the picture of him, face down in a box, when he'd been helping Jordan to unpack. He moved on to another box, and left the man holding the smiling girl- himself, female and miniature- on his shoulders, his hands holding her knees. She was missing the crooked tooth, in the picture. She was so happy. My little wild child, he'd called her. My mermaid, he'd called Naomi. She'd always wanted to be his mermaid.

"Mermaid." She froze, left eyebrow twitching down, then back, nearly imperceptibly.

"I'm not your mermaid." She slid easily through the water, stepping into her underwear quicker than he had time to react. He stopped her, reaching her quickly and grasping her hands. She shook from cold, and he did too, but they stood motionless. Her wet skin glittered. The lily clung to her, still.

"You're right. You aren't my mermaid. You're Christopher's." He reached towards her collarbone, and she shrank from him, for a second, before stopping. He pulled the water lily from her shoulder, and held it up, in the moonlight.

"It's beautiful." She whispered, afraid to break the silence punctuated only by slapping of water on rocks.

"Yeah, you are." She giggled, a belly laugh bubbling up from deep in her diaphragm. She pulled him down down down to her, kissing him shimmerflybeautiful then and there.

"You are so cheesy."

"You love it."

"I do." She wiggled, then, out of his arms, jumping as she reached over her shoulder.

"What?"

Something hit my back, it's-" Another. "It's snow." Her voice was filled with wonder. "First snow." She spread her arms, tipping her head up, mouth open to catch the flaked. She spun, whirled like a top, dancing.

"Be right back. I have to give you your real present."

"Seriously?" But he was already gone, bare back receding through the trees towards the car. Out of sight, he ducked and picked a rock up, off of the ground. His eyes shimmered, more black than hers, for a moment, before he eyes the thing with satisfaction and turned back for the pond, carrying something else from the car. He approached her, hands hidden behind his back.

"Guess which hand." She rolled her eyes, pointing to the left. A CD player. He pressed play. "The Trapeze Swinger." The right. He held his hand out to her, palm up, something glittering from it's center. She reached for the thing, it was a glass ball, cradled in a rock base. There were two people inside of it, in a clearing. Beside a pond. Filled with.. water lilies? The girl- for it was a girl- stood in a dress- the same dress she'd worn, that first night?- head tipped to the sky and arms outstretched…. Mouth open. She smiled. The boy's eyes were trained on his companion, smiling. She shook the globe, and snow rained on that miniature silent world, also. Jordan's eyes glittered like glass. ("No! I am not crying!") Worlds fit within worlds, little Russian dolls where one fit inside the other. There, they were the smallest. The real doll. The only one not hollow. They were full.

please, remember me, happily,
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin, the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill, and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention

but please remember me, fondly,
i heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
have such eloquent graffiti
like: "we'll meet again" and "fuck the Man"
and "tell my mother not to worry"
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry

and please remember me, at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world and then returned
and now you're lit up by the city

so please remember me, mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by, but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate just like the gates
around the Holy Kingdom
with words like: "lost and found" and "don't look down"
and "someone save temptation"

and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior

and please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain, and chasin' trains
the colored birds above there runnin'
in circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter
so bright on cinder gray in spray paint:
"who the hell can see forever?"

and please remember me, seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees, you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last, the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear, but if i make the Pearly Gates
i'll do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissin' on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze-swinger