A/N: Sorry for taking so long to update, but just as I finished writing chapter 11 and was about to save, Word 'unexpectedly quit' on me. So I am officially pissed off at Word. Again. I'll try to make this version better than the original. Oh, and there's a bit of swearing in here. Don't be offended!

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, Monty Python, the line from page 212 of the seventh Harry Potter book, etc. etc. etc…..

The mornings at the house of Black were always hectic, between five people going to work, one occasionally having a support group meeting (the members lovingly referred to as 'I can't believe they aren't dark wizards' by the Marauders) and making sure that Teddy wasn't left home alone it easily turned into chaos. This morning was different however, the Marauders had slept uneasily and were up at six, they never left the house until a quarter to nine, rarely up before seven-thirty. Dora was the last one down stairs and was greeted by everyone as if they were still half asleep.

"I assume I wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping last night." Her statement was returned with nods.

"Yeah, and we all have this strange feeling something bad is going to happen today, you?" Sirius asked her.

"Yep, and no coincidence that it's Halloween." She sat down on the couch next to James, Lily was on his other side, Sirius sat in an armchair, Remus was leaning against a wall. An hour later Kreacher had breakfast ready, soon after Reggie and Teddy were downstairs.

Teddy could be described as excited, but it was an understatement. Regulus had promised to take him to a deserted field to teach him how to fly, Remus or Dora would have, but neither had much time to spare. When asked if he would Reggie gave them a smile, "Sure, who better to teach him than a seeker for Slytherin for five years." This began a huge debate between James and Regulus, ending with Lily saying the next one to talk didn't get dessert, it was a quiet evening.

At eight forty-five the five of them got up and left after saying good-bye and Dora threatening to do painful, and in some cases illegal, things to Regulus if Teddy got hurt. They walked briskly to a nearby alley where they apparated every morning to just outside the Aurors Office, but this morning something went wrong. A group of maybe five men were standing at the end of the alley, they tried to back out of the Alley, but more men were blocking their way. What was worse is that these men all had their wands out and pointed at respective targets.

The Marauders attempted to pull out their wands, but it was useless. Sirius was the fastest draw of the group, followed closely by James, they barely had their wands out when the five were simultaneously hit with stunners.

An hour later at the Aurors Office, Ron and Harry were having an argument.

"Harry, just because you have a bad feeling about this does not mean they're in danger." Ron said.

"They're almost an hour late, they're never late." He argued.

"They could have slept in or something, they'll be here soon."

"They would have sent us a message if they knew they were going to be late."

"You worry too much."

"Really, ever thought it might be because there's some loon trying to kill me?"

"That aside, there's no way to know for sure if anything's wrong, perhaps they're just sick."

"Two things, would have sent a message, and would they really all be sick at the same time? Why don't I just go over and make sure."

"If it'll make you stop worrying." Ron said allowing Harry to cross over to the fire and floo over to Grimauld Place. He hadn't wanted to think anything could have happened to the trainees, but the more he thought about the situation the more likely it seemed.

Harry emerged from the fireplace at Grimauld Place, and it was just as he remembered it, creepy, though not as much as it was when the place was filthy. It was definitely lived in though, books everywhere (probably because of Remus and Lily alone), a few toys he recognized as Teddy's and a few other personal touches. "What brings you here?" A voice said from the corner.

"Not much Reg, do you know the five of them went?" Harry asked.

He gave Harry a skeptical look, "They aren't at work? They left over half an hour ago."

He froze, if they weren't here and they weren't at work… the dark lord. Not THE dark lord, but the uprising one, the one who wanted to kill him. Dammit, he's using them as bait. He noticed Regulus was looking at him, "This isn't good, is it?"

"Not really, but I won't let them die…" Regulus glared, he quickly added, "Again."

"You might want to leave before your godson comes down, he isn't going to be happy I'm canceling his flying lesson." Harry waved goodbye and flooed back to the Auror's office. Ron was waiting.

"See, I told you they were just-"

"Gone." Harry finished glaring at him.

Ron's smile melted away, he hadn't wanted to think it was even a possibility. He remembered the conversation they had after spying on Bob Scharmy, they had planned to remember it, but had failed. He finally asked, "They know where your cousin lives too, are they safe?"

"I would have been alerted if any wizard entered a couple mile radius of the place, they're safe for now." He was angry to the point of calmness, which had always scared Ron, "I'm more concerned about where the Marauders are at the moment."

Ron nodded, "Like we have any way of knowing." There was a rapping on the far window that made all the Aurors look at the spotted owl that made the noise. Harry rolled his eyes, Aurors are way too paranoid. One of the older Aurors let the bird in, it soared immediately over to Ron and Harry who took the letter from the package, and the bird had left again.

Harry took a brief look at the writing and groaned, "He has Goyle, no wonder he hasn't been causing any trouble with the werewolves lately." He opened the letter and allowed Ron to read over his shoulder.

Harry,

I am sure you have noticed by now I have taken your parents, godfather, and friends Dora and Remus Lupin hostage. I want you to come to the graveyard you were sent to after the tri-wizard tournament at noon. Then I will start killing them one at a time every half hour. And come alone.

Harry read it three times before setting it on fire in his hand watching it burn into a pile of ash in his hand. Ron looked at him worriedly, "Harry, you have that gleam in your eye you always do when you're about to do something stupid, dangerous, deadly, or all three."

He looked down at his watch, ten thirty. Harry gave Ron an exasperated look, "I will not let them die, I'm going no matter how-"

"Stupid it is to do so." Ro finished for him.

"Yes." He said and began apparating.

"Harry you know you aren't supposed to…" Harry had already disappeared with a small pop, "Apparate… Oh well, he has more important things to worry about."

As soon as Harry was in the cemetery he hid behind a headstone that had a large chunk taken from it, probably from his fight with Voldemort. He began looking at his surroundings, he could hear voices on the other side of the stone, perhaps thirty feet away. It was a large group, quite a few were pacing, others talked, and there were a few voices he recognized. When he stopped listening he opened his eyes only to realize there was a skeleton in front of him, man this place is a dump. He shook of the familiar feeling of death and concentrated on the living.

He turned into his animagus form of a small black cat and began sneaking towards the group of dark wizards to get a better. He jumped on top of a headstone and sat curling his tail around him, and watched. The five Marauders were easy to pick out, the clearing that had been claimed had four headstones in the middle, all of them but James were facing the weakly defended side of the clearing that he would enter through. The problem was that there was twenty, no, nineteen wizards that would disagree with him just walking in, untying them, and walking out with them.

He stretched and jumped off the headstone and behind a nearby statue, looking for all the world like a regular cat and turned into a human. Harry reached into his pocket to grab his wand, but he found nothing. Of all the days to bloody well forget my wand, it has to be the one day it could be helpful! Rolling his eyes he told himself he could protect himself perfectly well without a wand- hopefully. With one last sigh he emerged from his hiding place and made his face emotionless and entered the camp.

As he walked in the camp he was surrounded by about half of the dark wizards, the one he knew to be the dark lord appearing right in front of him. They all looked on the verge of laughing, he took the moment to check on the Marauders, "Are you guys all right?"

"We're not dead yet." Sirius called over.

"I can't see!" James yelled.

"Shut up!" The other four said simultaneously.

"Doesn't matter anyway," The lord said walking closer rather menacingly, Harry couldn't help but wonder if he'd mastered the evil laugh as well, but knew it probably wasn't the best time for questions like that, "In an hour I will kill them if Potter doesn't arrive. I asked for him not some random person he felt could be killed instead of him."

Don't punch him yet, don't punch him yet, don't punch… He was trying really hard not to be insulted at this, "He sent me because he doesn't think it will take much to take down a mediocre bad guy." One of the Marauders, he didn't notice which, let out a low whistle as if to say 'burn'.

"So he sent some low life hippie to fight outnumbered twenty to one?"

"My hair is not that long."

"Whatever, anyway, perhaps I can get some use out of you… Do you know where Harry Potter lives?"

"Yes."

"Tell me and you'll be a hostage rather than dead."

"Is there another option? I don't like the sound of either of those."

"Goyle, will you do the honors?" The dark lord motioned for an all too familiar face to step forward with his wand drawn, the only difference was that he had more wolfish features. It's an improvement in my eyes. He cast the cruciatus curse on him with a thin smile on his face. He had learned to fight the spell years ago and soon had the burning pain reduced to a light tickle and allowed himself to chuckle.

"Goyle, of all people I would think you would want to cause pain enough to make it hurt. But I find it actually quite pleasant." Goyle's smile had officially been wiped off of his face, he was pushed away by the dark lord.

"How can the curse not affect you?" The lord was angry.

"I'm not sure, but I am curious as to why you didn't do the curse yourself Peter." He said back, there were several angry yells from the hostages.

"Peter is the new dark lord?" Harry answered in the positive as Peter's face turned red enough to match any of the Weasley's.

"That's enough!" He pulled something from his belt, presumably his wand since Harry had seen it there earlier, and held it against Harry's throat, "Any last words you annoying prat?"

"What's going on?" James asked.

"Peter just drew a knife and is holding it to Man's throat, now shut up!" Lily yelled back.

Harry looked at him as if confused, "Why with a knife?"

"Huh?" Peter replied.

"You have your wand, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Then why kill me with a knife?"

"Why not kill you with a knife?"

"It has muggle written all over it, just doesn't have that dark lord feel to it."

"But I want to kill you with a knife."

"Why?"

"I want you to have a slow and painful death."

"You could do that with a wand too."

"That's not the point!"

"It's the whole point actually-"

"Shut up! Do you have any real last words?" Peter was losing his patience, but he had stalled for enough time to come up with a somewhat plausible plan.

He moved his hand to a better location, "Just one." His voice was even, "Titiglio!" His hand ran into Peter, but the spell knocked him several feet away and knocked all of the dark wizards from their feet, he got in a few other spells, but all of them were running away anyways. In a few minutes Harry alone stood in the clearing with four sets of eyes on him, since James was still facing the other direction. With a heavy sigh he went over and began untying them.

They stood slowly, apparently sore from being in the same position for about two hours, James was still upset about not being able to see anything and was grumbling about it quietly. He was glad to find they all had their wands in their pockets and they had just been bound to tightly to get them. As much as Harry wanted to, he didn't have the time to catch the dark wizards to retrieve wands. They all seemed up for tracking them down, but he blatantly refused to let them.

"Don't you think you've had enough excitement for today?" He said pointedly.

"It wasn't exciting at all, I didn't get to see anything." James said, again.

"Oh, stop acting like a three year old." Lily retorted rolling her eyes playfully.

"I am not acting like a three year old." He argued.

"Sorry mate," Sirius said, "But you're proving her point." James stuck out his tongue.

"Mr. Prongs would like to submit he does not act like a three year old."

"Mr. Moony would like to claim otherwise due to the previous behavior of Mr. Prongs."

"Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that it's not our bloody fault you were faced the other way."

"Are you bleeding?" Lily shouted looking at Harry.

He froze, then slowly lifted his hand to his throat, when he drew it back there was a red fluid on it, "It appears so, Peter must have nicked me on accident while he was threatening me."

"Yeah," Dora said, "It wasn't like you weren't provoking him, if you don't mind me saying it, you were a smart-ass."

"Better than being called a dumbass." He said grinning as he wiped away the blood with the hem of his cloak, "Besides, 'tis but a flesh wound."

"Your throat is bleeding!" Dora reminded him, louder than necessary.

"I've had worse." He replied, thinking of the numerous quidditch matches he'd spent time in the hospital ward after.

"Liar." James said jokingly.

"This place give anyone else the creeps?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, two reasons for it." Harry told him, "First of all, it's a cemetery, there's even a skeleton over there. Secondly, right over there is where Voldemort was resurrected. If you know where to look you can find some blood on Tom Riddle the First's headstone from Harry's sacrifice." They had all heard about the ressurection in more detail on slow days at the Auror's Office.

"That would explain it, but Peter a dark lord?" James asked.

"He blames others for bad things happening to him, doesn't realize it's his own fault. Because he died after saving Harry he blames him, and he will continue until one or the other dies." It is easier to talk about things in third person, Harry thought as he said this.

"So now what?" Lily always had to ask great questions.

"You guys are going home, to what will be a very disappointed seven year old from what I hear." He said remembering how eager Teddy was to do everything.

"Two things, why are you sending us home, and why is Teddy upset?" Remus asked dryly.

"It's our policy to give the day off to those who have a death threats given to them. And Harry went to make sure you guys were all right, Reggie wasn't sure how safe leaving was going to be so he cancelled the flying lesson." He answered easily. Would he ever be able to talk to them in first person again?

"What about you?" Lily asked staring at him with eyes that used to be his, but that had been what seemed like ages ago…

"I have some personal business to attend to, enjoy yourself." With that he apparated away, the Marauders soon returned home to find Teddy grudgingly playing a game of chess with Reggie, who motioned he was letting him win. The last thing they needed was for Teddy to be any more upset, his hair was already a bright fuchsia color, when it turned red his magic usually came out, and not in a good way.

The Aurors office was now empty other than Ron who looked sincerely glad to see Harry. He watched as Harry walked over and he casually said, "So no one died?"

"I was close to killing several of them, did you know Goyle is in league with them?" Harry asked with his best attempt to stay calm.

"For a month or so. Is your throat bleeding?"

"Yes, but I'm fine."

"You've gotten really good at healing, why haven't you-"

"No wand. Forgot it."

"That explains why Ginny more or less freaked when I told her what was going on." He mused, "What's the plan now?"

"I need to go talk to my Aunt and Cousin, could you put a few extra charms on the Burrow and your place, it would make me feel safer." He was now scribbling on a piece of parchment. Ron nodded and apparated off.

Hedwig was unusually good at sensing when Harry needed her, after calling out the window she had arrived to deliver his letter. After she flew off he apparated to the park near Privet Drive, and walked briskly to the house that had served as his prison for sixteen years. He broke his stride slightly to wave at Ms. Figg before heading up the driveway, and then to the porch. He knocked on the door, his Aunt was always telling him to ring the doorbell, but he hated doorbells.

After a minute the door opened a bit, and a blonde woman appeared, he couldn't resist saying, "Trick or Treat!"

She just stared at him for a full minute without noise, then sighed saying, "Aren't you a bit old for trick or treating?"

He let a thin laugh, "After what I have to tell you you're probably going to wish I was just trick or treating."

She motioned for him to enter and sit on the couch while closing the door behind him, "I suppose Dudders should be here for this." Harry nodded.

It was no more than a minute later that Dudley was downstairs smiling, which soon changed when he saw the look on his cousin's face, as he sat down he commented, "It's never good news when a wizard comes to your house without warning and looks unhappy."

"And this time is no different." Harry replied as his Aunt came back into the room with lunch for them all. She seemed normal (for his Aunt), then took a double take.

"Are you bleeding?" Her voice had kept it's usual shrill pitch when she was saying something any louder than a normal talking voice for her. Their talk was subsided by five minutes while Petunia ran to the bathroom to get a couple band-aids for the cut on his throat.

When they were all settled Harry began explaining the situation, starting with when Peter had come back and ending with the morning's events. They were unusually calm during the discussion, asking a question or two here and there, but nothing unreasonable. When he finished Dudley said, "So we're doomed."

"No you aren't." Harry argued.

"That's what it sounds like." Petunia barged in.

"You are both extremely pessimistic, and this coming from the boy who spent his childhood locked in a cupboard. You should just have some extra spells on your house for protection."

"Let's go to the safe house." Dudley said remembering the rustic cottage they had stayed in during the second war.

"No, 'tis a silly place." Petunia said after an awkward moment of silence.

"I was going to suggest a Fidelius Charm." Harry said, followed by a ten minute explanation because Dudley wanted to know 'what the bloody hell is a Fidelius charm?'

"Are there any restrictions on those who can be secret keepers?" Petunia asked.

"Unfortunately yes, they have to have magical blood in them. Usually just wizards, but house elves and goblins work too." Harry replied.

"What about squibs?"

"It should work fine, but why do you need to know?"

Petunia and her son exchanged glances, Petunia finally answered, "I have become good friends with Arabella and would feel safe trusting her as secret keeper."

Harry's mind blanked, then he felt really stupid. How could he forget Ms. Figg? In ten minutes Arabella was over and they were discussing the spell, Ms. Figg eagerly agreed to be secret keeper with what little magic she had. The spell took nearly half an hour to set up, but it went fairly smoothly, and Harry left around two-thirty and apparated home.

However, things at the Marauders place had gone not nearly as smoothly. They had attempted to tell Teddy what was going on, and apparently he had been told a great deal about the second war. He wasn't exactly reasoning either because of his anger at missing flying, his hair had turned the color of a newly painted fire truck, that was when his magic was unleashed a bit violently. James glasses, a mirror, three vases and a glass of water exploded, leaving several people with cuts and Teddy extremely embarrassed.

"That's very similar to what inspired Titiglio." Teddy said quietly.

"What got you mad that time?" Remus said repairing the vases against the will of both of the Blacks who were saying they looked better that way.

They could barely tell his face had grown redder through his hair that he had mad into a longer version of a Beatles haircut that covered his face, "I was three, I didn't understand why I didn't have parents."

Remus froze, he remembered what Harry said about Teddy before he was born and he'd been trying to run off to escape it. Why aren't you sticking with your own kid… It had pissed him off at the time, but how would Tonks have answered that question if he had left her? Everyone was easily distracted by Hedwig rapping at the window, she held a slip of parchment in her beak with very little writing.

Dear Marauders,

I've heard you escaped from the dark lord with help from the Man, but I would like to take a precaution to stop this from happening again, you are now to floo to work, preferably Ron's office. Tell Reggie that he should floo to the meetings too.

Harry

"That's unlike him," Sirius said, "Short, sweet, to the point, no full names, no description whatsoever."

"Look how messy his writing is," Dora said calmly, "He must have been in a hurry."

"So, was he really here this morning?" James asked.

"Yep, he was really worried too." Regulus said smiling, glad Teddy had been eager to help keep the prank going, Harry had instilled that Marauder trait in him. Harry pranking the Marauders themselves, it was the prank of the century that they would all laugh about later…

Harry had soon arrived a short distance from his house, it was well hidden in the forest and had about every enchantment known to wizards, and some not very well known at all protecting it. He could have simply flooed there from his Aunt's house, but she never had warmed up to the idea of flooing, and he, for once, obeyed her wishes. It had a Fidelius Charm on it, and Harry was the secret keeper. To anyone he didn't wish to tell about it the house would seem like an overgrown stump that some teenagers had carved a door into. To someone he had told the door opened to their large, spacious house. After arguing a name for some months they had finally decided to name it the Stump.

The house was seemingly quiet for this early in the afternoon, but he was quick to find reasons for this. Jay was in one of his quiet moods where he just wanted to draw or stare at a magical picture for hours, and today it was drawing. Second was Ginny, who was watching protectively from an armchair with her arms crossed and was now glaring at him. She stood up and began walking over as he closed the door, "What kind of idiot are you?"

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Harry asked tentatively.

"What kind of moron do you have to be to walk into the hands of a man who wants to kill you on the slim chance you aren't recognized by him, his lackeys or your own family in order to save said family without even telling his wife who has been worried sick ever since told you were going on said trip!" Ginny yelled, she had always been loud, but had never hated the fact worse than now.

"A pretty stupid one." Harry admitted and heard a distinct snickering from the spot on the floor his son was at. After switching to parseltongue he asked him, "Just whose side are you on?"

They had discovered Jay talking to a boa constrictor in the forest several months before, ever since then they had realized parseltongue develops a lot faster than human talk. Jay giggled, "Whoever's side is winning."

"I resent that." He hissed at the boy, who returned to coloring as if nothing had even happened, he switched back to English, "Sorry Ginny, I was to caught up in what was going on to realize I'd forgotten to tell you about it."

"Thank you for admitting that." She said much less angry than before.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Admit you're stupid again."

"I, Harry Potter, hereby announces he is the world's number one stupid git."

"I forgive you, though I don't think you're quite the stupidest git in the-" She trailed off staring at him strangely, "Why the hell do you have Disney Princess band-aids on your throat?"

"What?" He tore off the band-aids his Aunt had put on him, sure enough there were Princesses on them, he groaned, "Oh that evil witch…er, muggle, whatever. Peter nicked me, my Aunt said it was bleeding and put band-aids on it I would have healed it, but-"

"You don't have your wand" She finished dryly holding it out to him.

"Thanks," Harry said using a quick healing charm to heal the cut, "So other than being worried sick, how was your day."

"Mildly interesting, I don't think we have to worry about Jay being a wizard."

He eyed her suspiciously, "Why?"

"He found your wand."

"Oh no, what did he do?"

"It's in his room, I would be very thankful if you got rid of it." She was saying it to plainly for Harry's like, which meant she was fighting to keep a straight face. He sighed and began walking to his son's room and soon realized Ginny had picked up Jay and was following him with a smirk. There is no way this can be good. He got to the right door and swung it open, and was instantly shocked.

It was about the size of a queen sized bed, black with a thin layer of fur covering it's body. It's legs were lazed around it in a way that suggested it was relaxing for the moment. From it's mouth were two large fangs. It was a-

"Big spider!" Jay yelled, it was probably the best description of it.

"No shit." Harry said staring at it, "Ron would have a stroke if he saw this." With a simple wave of his wand Harry returned the spider to normal size, he heard Jay groan.

"He's obsessed with spiders, he's been drawing them all day." Ginny said, "Ron's going to love it."

"Note to self, when Ron's around, Jay doesn't get a wand."

"When Ron isn't here, Jay doesn't get a wand."

"Jay doesn't touch a wand until he's eleven, agreed?"

"Agreed." They shook on it while Ginny held Jay in one arm.

(A/N: Another chapter that's been in my head since the beginning, and even better than the original. Tell me what you like, hate or would like to see, especially doing with Bob. Okay, it's all just a ploy to get you to review, at least I have the decency to admit it I warn you, the next chapter will be shorter and mainly letters. Lemonbomber out, yo!)