162 Candles
The next day started out with a police inquiry about Vicki. It seemed simple enough, and I was fairly sure all of us told the sheriff the same story. It was, strangely enough, thanks to Damon that we even had a story: he had had the presence of mind when compelling Jeremy to plant the idea of a phone call from Vicki in his head during which she said goodbye and that she was leaving town and all that.
I saw Stefan on the way out of the police station but didn't have much time to chat since I had come with Jenna and Jeremy. Instead, I stuck my tongue out at him as I passed and purposefully bumped his shoulder with a giggle.
"Sorry about that, stranger," I said, faking surprise and remorse at my own actions while Jenna rolled her eyes and Jeremy faked gagging. How rude.
"It's quite alright, miss," Stefan replied smoothly, a hint of a smile quirking his mouth.
I laughed.
"See you later today?" I questioned vaguely, and he nodded.
I wrapped him up in a brief hug and then left with my family.
THERE WAS ONE, UNDENIABLE UPSIDE TO WHAT HAD STARTED AS A TEDIOUS DAY. I WAS AT LAST ABLE TO HAVE MY TALK WITH BONNIE AND IT WAS WONDERFUL. Well, it was rather touch and go for a bit, but all in all it went excellently and I was chuffed!
I had just been lying back on my bed, notebook resting on my stomach, with a ton of ink sketches scattered about. More specifically, ink sketches of people I had seen in my dreams, which I had had an incredible amount of the night before.
I suppose I was just tired from everything that happened with Vicki, because I actually got a solid eight hours of sleep. But anyway…
I had drawn what I dreamt, and thus I had several new pictures, of Katherine, of Elijah, of Stefan and Damon, of Rose and Trevor, of Klaus, of Rebekah. I had even drawn Kol with his baseball bat as he readied it to bash in Damon's face.
I cringed at the thought. I didn't want Damon to get hurt, even if he was such a monstrous dick at times that he probably deserved it.
I was distracted by a knock at my door.
"You up?" Bonnie asked as she let herself in, and I sat up, my mood shooting from bored to suddenly cheery.
"Bonnie!" I cried out, delighted, and bolted upright. The notebook I'd been tearing drawing paper from flopped uselessly to the side and my pens (I had since bought more to my standards) scattered all over the place.
A confused look passed over my face when I saw her mouth pop open in surprise.
"What's wrong?" I queried, concerned.
It took her a moment to answer.
"Since when can you draw?"
I looked from her to the papers scattered on my bed and back to her.
"Oh, God," I blurted, and then grabbed up all the papers at once, shoving them into a pile and scrambling off the bed. "Um, since forever, kind of, I just don't like…"
She plucked the pile out of my hands deftly, thumbing through them was an expression of utter shock on her face. I whimpered.
"Elena, these are amazing!" She said sincerely, and I laughed nervously and all but snatched them out of her hands. She let me take them, but her gaze followed, curious. "Who was that guy? The hot one with the soul-searching stare and gorgeous body."
"What?"
She rolled her eyes.
"The shirtless one."
Had my picture of Derek from Teen Wolf gotten mixed in with the others? I supposed so, because I couldn't think of any other pictures I had drawn in my multiple hour long sketching frenzy that fit Bonnie's apparent criteria.
I must have taken too long to answer because Bonnie tried again to job my memory.
"The guy with the tattoo of the birds on his shoulder?"
I all but choked.
"Elena?" Bonnie asked worriedly as I thumped my chest in hopes of regaining the ability to draw breath. Bonnie thinks Klaus, Klaus, is hot. I mean, he is hot, but that's besides the point! It's Klaus! I was so sure I was having an aneurism, it wasn't even funny. When I finally managed to control myself (it wasn't easy), I cleared my throat.
"Oh, just a, um, character from my dream."
She smirked.
"Good dreams, huh? Let me guess, guy that looks at you like that, he's got to be the villain."
I flinched and then shook my head.
"He's a victim." I told her steadily, surprising myself with how much I believed it.
Her brow furrowed and she smiled a little skeptically.
"He looks like more of a Big Bad Wolf than a Little Red Riding Hood."
You know, I have to say it: Bonnie was on a roll when it came to making me cringe at her uncannily unnerving commentary. I was impressed. And horrified. In equal parts.
"Oh, he is the Big Bad Wolf, trust me, and a whole lot worse than that besides." I admitted, and then decided I was done with that decidedly strange topic. "Anyway, I owe you a bit of an explanation, don't I, Sabrina?"
I paired my mirth with a winning grin but Bonnie just looked at me a little confused (and possibly internally panicking) for a moment before it clicked.
"You know!" She exclaimed, eyes widening. I nodded.
"I would have told you a bit sooner but I couldn't precisely expect you to believe me, now could I? So I figured I'd let you know when you got the hang of putting out and lighting candles. Except…I wasn't sure when that was going to be, so I rather left it up to you."
Bonnie's face was one of pure delight.
"That's why you told me about that stuff! That's why you believed me and encouraged me when I told you about my Grams saying I was psychic!"
I nodded and she threw her arms around me in a hug.
"I didn't know how to tell you about it, but you already know!"
I couldn't help hugging her back.
"Hey," I said as I vaguely patted her shoulder gently, "you know that no matter what's going on, you can come to me, right? Even if it's the most ridiculous, unbelievable thing, like aliens or faeries. You can tell me about it, and I promise I will always consider what you tell me with an open mind. I swear it."
She pulled away a little, her own smile wide and full of fondness.
"You're my best friend, Elena," she told me, voice full of affection. Somehow, that made me so very, unaccountably (or perhaps not) sad.
"I owe you an explanation, Bonnie." I muttered, turning away from her. "And I just want you to know that I won't expect anything from you after you've heard it, okay? I just ask that you listen to what I have to say, everything, and then you can make whatever decision you choose."
She looked a little hurt and confused besides, but nodded. I opened my mouth to speak and found that I couldn't. I sighed and lay back, staring at the ceiling as if it would help. After a moment, Bonnie slipped under the covers and lay next to me, resting her head on her elbow.
"Elena, what's wrong?" She asked kindly, patiently.
I wanted to be honest with her, because she'd been a good friend since I'd arrived, and if I preferred Stefan, it was solely because he saw me as myself in Elena's body. Bonnie was wonderful, and she deserved to know as much of the truth as possible. I didn't want to lose her friendship, and not just because it was vital to the plot.
"I don't remember anything from before…" I could have been completely, utterly truthful, but I wanted a chance. Anyway, as I understood it, Elena had avoided all her friends over the summer, Bonnie included. It wasn't too much of a stretch. "I don't remember anything about Elena Gilbert's life before the accident."
Bonnie stared at me, her expression curiously neutral.
"What do you mean? You remembered me, all of us," She pointed out evenly.
"I mean that I have these weird dreams about things that have already happened, things that are happening, and things that might happen in the future and they started when I sort of woke up one morning with another person's memories rammed into me in place of mine."
"And these dreams…that's how you knew about me being able to use magic. That's how you knew about…the car. These memories, that's why you were so different suddenly?"
This was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake. I could feel my stomach turn even as Bonnie blankly stared me down. I fucked up.
"Yes," I confessed in a tiny voice, desperately trying to think of a way to minimize the damage. "I still feel the same about all of you, though! I still recognize you, I still know you. I just…don't remember, well, anything."
Still no change in her worryingly relaxed posture.
"So, the person I've been talking to is…not Elena?" She questioned guardedly.
I shook my head frantically and then stopped, biting my lip.
"I think," I said very carefully, "that that is up to you to decide. I am myself, or I think I'm managing to be myself. Just know that whether you choose to accept this, accept me as I am, or not, I will always be here for you, and I swear not to tell a soul about the fact that you're a witch. If you have any questions, I will answer them to the best of my ability, but I think it's time for you to think about it and decide what you need to do."
It wasn't a lie. It was just moderately skewed to present me as something other than a parasite that took over her best friend's body.
"I…I need to think about this," Bonnie drew out with not some difficulty. I was, quite frankly, more relieved by the fact that there was confusion and unease visible on her face than I was upset by what she was saying. At any rate, it was more than I had honestly expected.
I had been prepared for the worst and this was not it.
"I understand," I said with a half-smile, pretending I wasn't hurt although I knew it was utterly unreasonable to expect her to just accept me like I wished she would. "Take all the time you need. You're one of my best friends, Bonnie. I'll be here once you've made up your mind, and any time that you need me, whatever you decide."
She looked almost guilty and opened her mouth to say something but I shook my head.
"It's okay," I insisted. "Really. I kind of had this talk with myself when I realized there was something wrong. Don't worry about it, and even if you think you're sure, take some time to think about it, okay? I don't want you to rush into something and change your mind later because you feel you didn't think it through or were mistaken."
It was obvious to the both of us that I was referring more to the idea that she might accept me and regret it, which would hurt more than anything, I think, than I was to the idea that she might find rejecting me a mistake.
She left quietly at my behest, and I lay back and wondered if I had made a mistake. I wanted to say yes, to be angry with myself for being stupid, because it wasn't like it was with Stefan, who had only known me as myself and wouldn't miss Elena, but I knew that…as much as the idea of losing Bonnie upset me, it was wrong to keep pretending. Especially when I considered all the shit Bonnie goes through because of Elena.
Hardly thirty minutes had past when three quick knocks on my room door broke me from my sulking stupor and Bonnie rushed in, looking a little uncertain.
I sat up in surprise, eyes wide.
"Bonnie, what are you-"
"I'm sorry!" She blurted suddenly, and I stiffened. That was not what I had been expecting.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," I told her honestly.
"No," she said firmly, the corners of her mouth turned down in a frown. "I'm so sorry, Elena. You knew about the candles and the premonitions and the car and you didn't judge me. You tried to tell me that day, didn't you? When I accidentally set the car on fire. You kept calling me, and I didn't listen. You wanted to comfort me even though I did something wrong.
You accepted what I could do before I accepted it myself, and it was completely wrong of me to walk out on you earlier. You're my best friend, Elena, and maybe you're a little different now, but you're still my friend. You've been…you've been even better than I expected you to be about this. Sure, you're a little quirky. But…I think whatever happened to you made you better. I mean, I've always loved you, you know that, but just because you're changing doesn't mean that I won't. And…if there's any way I can help you adjust, I will."
It was as close to unconditional acceptance from her as I was ever going to get, barring if I eventually confessed I really was a completely different person in Elena's body. It wasn't perfect, and I hadn't been completely honest, but it was a start and I could not have been happier. Bonnie accepted me. I had begun to think she wouldn't, but she did.
"Lena," I said, clearing my throat. "You can call me Lena. If you want."
I don't think I've ever felt closer to someone than I did when she tilted her head to the side almost curiously and then didn't ask, instead nodding and giving me a firm "okay" as she tested the name on her lips. Lee-nah. Leeeee-nah. She didn't ask why, she just embraced it.
"Lena. I like it. It suits new, quirky you." She said, a small smile touching at her face. A thoughtful look briefly marred her features. "Wait, is this why Stefan and his brother both call you Lena all the time and never Elena?"
I nodded almost hesitantly. Surely she wouldn't be upset…?
"I…they were a fresh start, and I wasn't the same me when I met them. I…I didn't know how to tell you. You're not…mad?"
She shook her head emphatically.
"No, Lena. I'm just sorry that you felt that way. You know you can come to me with anything, right? You're my best friend and…you never once looked at me like you thought I was weird or a freak, even though you knew about my magic."
I grinned.
"I would never look at you that way. And besides, being a witch sounds amazing! I wish I was half as cool as you!"
We hugged it out and talked and laughed and my mood was soaring once she left. Bonnie was my friend! My friend! I didn't bother trying to delude myself to think that it meant she had accepted me as a random person wearing Elena's body, but the fact remained that she had taken in all the numerous differences between the real Elena and myself and seen that we weren't the same and she'd outright told me that I was her best friend.
I was so different from Elena, and yet Bonnie still accepted me as her best friend. There are no words for what a comfort that had been. I suppose I had just needed someone to talk to besides Stefan and Damon as myself, myself wholly and completely.
It was a beautiful feeling to realize that I could be myself with Bonnie from now on, without reservation.
I was in such a good mood, I decided to go see Stefan to share the good news.
(I say Stefan and not Stefan and Damon because Damon probably couldn't be less bothered and quite frankly I had no idea where he stood on what knowledge I had, because I didn't tell him and it was rather unlikely Stefan had. I'll probably have to correct that in the near future…)
I rang the doorbell when I got there (thus avoiding the knocker that had cut my poor finger, evil thing that it was) and was startled to hear a female voice from inside.
"It's open, come on in!"
I did so, closed the door politely behind me, and turned around to see some vaguely familiar blonde woman in a towel. Oddly enough, she seemed more startled by my presence than I was by hers.
"Oh my God!" She blurted suddenly upon seeing me, and I figures she must have seen a picture of or known Katherine, because I didn't look terrible enough to merit a response like that. (Elena never looks terrible. It's a gift). "How, uh…we-who?"
I blinked.
"Hullo there. I'm Elena. I go by Lena, mostly. I just thought I'd nip in and see Stefan and…" I frowned as that funny tingly feeling of recognition grew stronger. "Do I know you?"
"Lexi." She introduced shortly, and hastily added, "Friend of Stefan's."
Lexi, Lexi, I know that name, come on, where on earth do I know that name from…?
"He's in the shower." She added when I was silent, and I think I startled her by suddenly pointing at her with a hand slapped over my mouth.
"You're Lexi! That Lexi!" I accused, and then coughed. "I'm sorry, that was bloody rude. You're Stefan's best friend, right?"
She nodded wordlessly, still gaping. She cleared her throat.
"Um, you can wait if you want." She offered, clutching at her towel like it would protect her from the terrifying Katherine look-alike. I tried (not very hard) and failed not to roll my eyes.
"Nah," I said easily, letting a friendly smile creep up on my face. "It's alright. I didn't know he was having company or I would have been more tactful and not nipped over unannounced like this. Have you been here long?"
She smiled back, a little more tentatively than I would have hoped for, but I digress.
"No, I just got here this morning."
I nodded and then let out an embarrassing cross between a yelp and a squeak.
"You're here for his birthday!" I exclaimed, my mouth popping open in horror. "Oh my God, he didn't even mention it!"
I was so caught up in my surprise at the date (which I would have to note for future reference) that I didn't stop to process what else I remembered from the show and instead hurriedly said goodbye to Lexi and rushed home in a tizzy as I considered what on earth I would be getting him for his birthday.
I missed a confused Lexi watch me go with not a little suspicion in her eyes as she wondered aloud, "How did she know that?"
To be continued in 162 Candles II.
